It seems that my ol’ pal Joey Polanski is gonna be away fer a lot longr than any of us originly thought. And wif that in mind, I think its time we had us a friggin meeting about who should be th next Joey Polanski. DANG, Im excitd! Time to opm up th fuckn cannd peachs!

Do not put unauthrizd synonym on th goddam meetin table

I mean, it COUD be a systm kinda like th Pope gots, in which we, th loyl followrs, get a whole new leadr when th original kicks th bucket or sompm. Now, I aint sayin that His Holeness Jope Polanski I is deadski or nuthin, its just a fact that hes retirin soonski and someone oughta, like, fill his shoeskis. Heck, th sombitch has been missin fer well ovr a dangd munth at this point, so I figgr we gots only two choices: Send out a dangd search party or eleckt us a new Joey Polanski. An seein as how I dont wanna get off th dangd sofa and go lookin fer JP myselfski, I figgr its jus easyer to vote for a new one. Plus, as pracktickly evryone knows by nowski, Joey is much happyer goin lookin fer men than to have men come lookin fer him, fruitski that he is. Or sompm to that effeckt.

Now, th Pope is a lot like Joey Polanski when ya stop to think about it. Traditionaly, th Popes been a dangd Polack himselfski, which as we all no is also true of our humble host. Th Catlicks fuckd this up wif Pope Ratzingr – er, Pope Bentdick XVI – tho, cuz that sombitch aint a Polack but a formr Nazi Youf Krautski. So th way I sees it is we gots some leeway wif th ruleskis and our new Joey Polanski dont hafta be a full-fledgd Polack.

Anothr traitski that Joey Polanski is gonna hafta have is be a friggin pedofile. Th Pope gots this in common wif him tooski, cept th Catlicks got th Bible and Joey gots his own bookski:

Joeys Favrit Bookski

One o th biggest qualitys that our new JP hasta have is be a shitty poet. If yer gonna be Joey Polanski, yer gonna hafta write some limricks about dicks or fallin in love wif Atlas Cerise or sompm. That kinda shitski. Joey Polanski is a Nebraska Cornholer thru and thru, so flirtin wif Atlas Cerise is a big part o th shtick, even if all ya gots is a little shtick to be flirtin wif.

Well, fokes, thats pretty much all I gots on th mattr of eleckting us a new Joe. If you think theres sompm Im missin or sompm else that needs to be inckluded, sound off in th friggin comments. And if ya wanna throw yer hat into th ring cuz you think youd make th next best Joey Polanski, feel free to do that tooski. Only cannidates entring in propr Polanskiese will be acceptd.

–- New Joeke

Click to Embiggen

What are you waiting for? COME RHYME and BE LONG!

Nun the Miser

Happy Halloweenie! And what better time than Halloween to reveal the Rasputin International Poetry Exhibition’s new poster and official trailer! Honestly, is there anything scarier?

Click to View the RIPE Trailer in HD (SFW)

Click to view Rasputin in… um.. all his glory. You may also view the new trailer on YouTube and embed it on your own site if you so choose. The festivities begin January 1st and if you’re feeling pedantic, you can read up on all the rules right here. And remember, Rasputin’s the kind of joke you don’t want anywhere near your insides, so make sure you put on some kind of protection or something. Also, for the very first time, “official” Rasputin swag is available at the Rasputin International Poetry Exhibition Swag Headquarters, complete with detailed descriptions! Yes, Cowmrades, you can even obtain your very own RIPE T-shirt in addition to other precious things of the shop!

Adorn yourself in His glory!

One of the biggest goals of RIPE this year (aside from ol’ Rasputin himself) is to try and get more poets and players. So, if you’d like to help spread the word, you can do so by placing a smaller and slightly modified version of the poster in your sidebar. Here is the code:

<a href="http://www.tetherdcow.com/?page_id=1294" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.oldfishandlemonade.com/pix/ripeminiposter.png" alt="Rasputin International Poetry Exhibition" title="Rasputin International Poetry Exhibition" border="0"></a>

That’s it! The link should appear in your sidebar as it does here on The Fish.

The logo is all my doing, but once again I must send out a huge, Rasputin-sized thanks to my good pal Joey Polanski for his help with the RIPE slogan, the post title, and for his assistance with the trailer music. Lots of time (literally hours), effort, and design went into this year’s campaign, folks, so I hope you at least get a laugh out of it. Enjoy, and fuckin’ participate this year, would ya?

Plugged up

Some of U are so uptight

That I can’t even get an invite!

So go grab a spoon

A bowl and some prunes

And slurp ’til you’re loosened, alright?

Click to Watch the RIPE Teaser Trailer

The annual Tetherd Cow Ahead Rasputin International Poetry Exhibition (RIPE) is approaching! Grab your notebooks and pencils, folks, because Year V will be here before you know it. In the meantime, refresh yourself with the rules and enjoy the teaser trailer. The video is in 720p HD Flash format. You may also embed and view it via YouTube.

And be sure to snag yourself a high-res copy of the RIPE teaser poster (12″ x 18″). Depending on the size of your screen, the poster may display smaller. Right-click to save it to your computer.

I assure you, there is plenty more where this came from. Stay tuned…

Many thanks to Joey Polanski for the new RIPE slogan.

The Other OTHER Lil' Bastard

The homunculus, atop his chair

Stared out of his win-dow

He pulled the curtain back and said,

“HEY! Where the fuck is Joe?”