King of the Pushups

Dang, I posted this one late. Time for me to DOZE OFF!

–Atlas Sleepski

Cokesucker!

Only fuckin’ hoopleheads drink Pepsi. Cokesucker!

I love my nuts, and you would too. They’re of the exclusive “black label”, which pretty much means my nuts are larger and more prestigious than most. My nuts are full of flavor, and believe me when I tell you that you’d love to have them in your mouth to slowly suck on. My nuts aren’t overly salty, and have a unique taste that can be enjoyed by almost anyone. I simply cannot recommend my nuts highly enough.

So…

What do you say?

You want to try my lovely nuts?

My Nuts

Irwin

Irwin always thought he’d go far in life until the cops busted him on that racketeering charge.

It seems that my ol’ pal Joey Polanski is gonna be away fer a lot longr than any of us originly thought. And wif that in mind, I think its time we had us a friggin meeting about who should be th next Joey Polanski. DANG, Im excitd! Time to opm up th fuckn cannd peachs!

Do not put unauthrizd synonym on th goddam meetin table

I mean, it COUD be a systm kinda like th Pope gots, in which we, th loyl followrs, get a whole new leadr when th original kicks th bucket or sompm. Now, I aint sayin that His Holeness Jope Polanski I is deadski or nuthin, its just a fact that hes retirin soonski and someone oughta, like, fill his shoeskis. Heck, th sombitch has been missin fer well ovr a dangd munth at this point, so I figgr we gots only two choices: Send out a dangd search party or eleckt us a new Joey Polanski. An seein as how I dont wanna get off th dangd sofa and go lookin fer JP myselfski, I figgr its jus easyer to vote for a new one. Plus, as pracktickly evryone knows by nowski, Joey is much happyer goin lookin fer men than to have men come lookin fer him, fruitski that he is. Or sompm to that effeckt.

Now, th Pope is a lot like Joey Polanski when ya stop to think about it. Traditionaly, th Popes been a dangd Polack himselfski, which as we all no is also true of our humble host. Th Catlicks fuckd this up wif Pope Ratzingr – er, Pope Bentdick XVI – tho, cuz that sombitch aint a Polack but a formr Nazi Youf Krautski. So th way I sees it is we gots some leeway wif th ruleskis and our new Joey Polanski dont hafta be a full-fledgd Polack.

Anothr traitski that Joey Polanski is gonna hafta have is be a friggin pedofile. Th Pope gots this in common wif him tooski, cept th Catlicks got th Bible and Joey gots his own bookski:

Joeys Favrit Bookski

One o th biggest qualitys that our new JP hasta have is be a shitty poet. If yer gonna be Joey Polanski, yer gonna hafta write some limricks about dicks or fallin in love wif Atlas Cerise or sompm. That kinda shitski. Joey Polanski is a Nebraska Cornholer thru and thru, so flirtin wif Atlas Cerise is a big part o th shtick, even if all ya gots is a little shtick to be flirtin wif.

Well, fokes, thats pretty much all I gots on th mattr of eleckting us a new Joe. If you think theres sompm Im missin or sompm else that needs to be inckluded, sound off in th friggin comments. And if ya wanna throw yer hat into th ring cuz you think youd make th next best Joey Polanski, feel free to do that tooski. Only cannidates entring in propr Polanskiese will be acceptd.

–- New Joeke

May the Farce Be With You

Happy World Homeopathic Awareness Week. In honor of such a landmark occasion, I am very pleased to share with you exclusive video interviews with Melissa Rogers and Katherine Heiney of Shoo!TAG™.

First up, C.E.O. Melissa Rogers answers the age-old question, “Does Shoo!TAG™ Really Work?”

Does ShooTag really work? Click to Watch.

Well, there you have it, folks. No way the C.E.O. would give anything but an honest answer, right?

And speaking of answers, here’s another one from Melissa in response to the question “Is Shoo!TAG™ based on real science?”

Is ShooTag based on real science? Click to Watch.

Special thanks to Melissa Rogers for her candid replies and extreme honesty.

And there you have, it folks. As Mulder would say, the truth is out there.

Better pizza that Papa Murphy's

If you can walk to your car, you can’t park here. I didn’t even know you could order guests. All I wanted was a pizza!

I got a bag of “Robin Eggs” candy in my Easter basket this year. They’re really just egg-shaped Whoppers® with Easter pastels, but they do taste really good.

Yum

And kudos to Whoppers® for reaching out to their Jewish market:

Kosher Easter Candy!

It’s so nice being able to enjoy kosher Easter candy.