Look at her, staring into my eyes like that.

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m considering taking Joey Polanski’s advice. Alice in Wonderland opens Friday and Mia Wasapolishnameski or something stars as one of the main characters whose name also appears in the title of the film, but currently escapes me. Doesn’t matter, though, as the FACTS important to the matter at my right hand are simply this:

Mia is blonde (Check!)
Mia has short hair (Check!)
Mia is Australian. (Check! Check! CHECK!)

*SWOON*

I dunno about Wonderland, but I got a fantasy that she can help me play out.

Been AWOL for family reasons. Been doing lots of drinking.

You know, instead of hanging out with Anaglyph, Joey, and Yuliya.

Heart-Shaped but Shit Flavored

Because I love each and every one of U, I have decided to show you just how much by buying you your very own pizza. My favorite pizza shop in the whole wide world has a special right now featuring heart-shaped pizzas. You’re gonna love ‘em, I swear¹.

¹I’m lying. They taste like shit.

Obama’s 2011 budget plans would scrap NASA’s Constellation space program that I am rather fond of. No doubt the plan is to use the money saved for a public healthcare option.

HAHAHAHAHA.

Yea, right. Sorry, what the hell was I thinking.

We’re just going to waste it on other shit like the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. After all, someone’s gotta continue to bless the camel jockeys with the gift of democracy. Clearly the wars are more important than things like public healthcare in this country or space exploration. I bet if the Moon had an earthquake we’d go there. Or weapons of mass destruction. Of course, even if we DID think the Moon had weapons of mass destruction, we wouldn’t be able to find them.

Therefore, because of my disappointment, I have no other choice but to do something like this:

Click to Play the Video

Mike…ummm… caught and kept my attention tonight with his post about Massachusetts Senator, Scott Brown. Well, not Scott Brown so much as Scott Brown’s daughters.

Scott Brown's daughters are hot

Well, dang! I hope they’re into politics as much as their father, because I got an open seat for BOTH of them.

I didn’t watch the Golden Globes because there is simply too much porn out there, and that must take precedence. But today I found out I missed out on a couple of things by not watching. A couple of really great, big things.

Miss Holloway's Golden Globes

Turns out, Miss Holloway was at the Golden Globes. And while the Golden Globes are full of tits in hollywood, Miss Holloway’s are the only ones that mattered.

Delicious Hunan Chicken

Went out for Chinese with mom tonight. I was enjoying my hunan chicken when I overhear a portion of an elderly couple’s conversation.

…Anus shaver, with her husband. I think they did it together.

I stopped eating immediately and looked at mom.

“What the hell are they talking about?”

“What do you mean?”

“She just said ‘anus shaver’, didn’t she?”

Mom snorts on a pepper from her hunan shrimp.

“Anice Shaffer. She said Anice Shaffer!”

“Oh. Oops.”

Joey Polanski likes Nested Egg Dolls.

Joey shoves these up his buttski

And he likes little girls.

Joey's Favorite Book

So I found him the perfect gift today:

The Perfect Giftski for Joey Polanski

Hamov vodker, ol’ palski!

Joey has passed along the most urgent of news. Seriously, folks, this is like front page material and should be on all the 24/7 news channels. Heck, I’d go so far as to say it’s THE single-most important story of the year.

Joey sends via The Huffington Post:

A letter from a US Marine captain criticizing Australian women’s clothing, or lack thereof, has prompted angry rebukes from Aussie men and women.

Can you believe this fucking guy? Captain John Campbell has got a lot of guts and a lot of nerve. Seriously, it takes BALLS to join the Marines if you’re a raging homosexual, which John Campbell may very well be. No straight man in his right mind would EVER tell scantily-clad Australian women to cover up! If you click the HP link and read the article, you’ll notice that John Campbell has no complaints about half-naked (or wholly-naked) Australian dudes, just hot Australian chicks.

Here’s what Captain John Campbell probably looks like:

Captain John Campbell, Possibly Gay

I’m embarrassed, folks. Truly. I think the best (and proper) thing for the United States to do is apologize. I’m willing to go that extra mile for my country and apologize to each and every beautiful Australian woman in the whole friggin’ Land of OZ. Yep, I’m all for getting friendly Down Under. If you’re an attractive Australian female and would like an apology, please leave your contact information in the comments below. You may also (and in fact, are encouraged) to attach a scantily-clad photo of yourself. Or two. Or a hundred.

Well, I’d best be off to Australia to clean up this friggin’ mess of Captain John Campbell. I mean, it’s not like this is the first time a NAVY man has to fix a Marine’s fuck up. And someone has to… um… stand up for Miranda and her rights, don’t they?

Miranda Kerr, Hot Australian

Oh, I’m saluting already!

Some of us aren’t playing with a full deck. Some of us are. Me? I got a whole lot of elephant cards and I’m ready to play a game with you.

Elephant Cards

First, though, you’re gonna have to DRAW one of my elephant cards. And hurry up, will ya? Like, while we still got some life left.

Draw an Elephant. Card.