Afishionados,

Joey has passed along the most urgent of news. Seriously, folks, this is like front page material and should be on all the 24/7 news channels. Heck, I’d go so far as to say it’s THE single-most important story of the year.

Joey sends via The Huffington Post:

A letter from a US Marine captain criticizing Australian women’s clothing, or lack thereof, has prompted angry rebukes from Aussie men and women.

Can you believe this fucking guy? Captain John Campbell has got a lot of guts and a lot of nerve. Seriously, it takes BALLS to join the Marines if you’re a raging homosexual, which John Campbell may very well be. No straight man in his right mind would EVER tell scantily-clad Australian women to cover up! If you click the HP link and read the article, you’ll notice that John Campbell has no complaints about half-naked (or wholly-naked) Australian dudes, just hot Australian chicks.

Here’s what Captain John Campbell probably looks like:

Captain John Campbell, Possibly Gay

I’m embarrassed, folks. Truly. I think the best (and proper) thing for the United States to do is apologize. I’m willing to go that extra mile for my country and apologize to each and every beautiful Australian woman in the whole friggin’ Land of OZ. Yep, I’m all for getting friendly Down Under. If you’re an attractive Australian female and would like an apology, please leave your contact information in the comments below. You may also (and in fact, are encouraged) to attach a scantily-clad photo of yourself. Or two. Or a hundred.

Well, I’d best be off to Australia to clean up this friggin’ mess of Captain John Campbell. I mean, it’s not like this is the first time a NAVY man has to fix a Marine’s fuck up. And someone has to… um… stand up for Miranda and her rights, don’t they?

Miranda Kerr, Hot Australian

Oh, I’m saluting already!

Afishionados,

Shoo!TAG™ Frequently Asked Questions (F.A.Q.):

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Though it is highly improbable that any exist, you may report errors and omissions to this F.A.Q. by leaving a comment below. In the event that a mistake is discovered, a team of experts will review your claim(s) and make adjustments and post corrections as necessary. Thank you.

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Afishionados,

A magazine I subscribe to apparently knows when I am going to die. “Details inside”, yet I’m scared to open it and see exactly when and how. I mean, what if it says “Upon reading this, you’ll kick the bucket” ? I think I’d rather leave my death to chance. It’s been nice knowing [most of] you.

Afishionados,

Behold! The new box art for Microsoft’s upcoming¹ Windows 7! At least, what the box art would look like if I were designing the packaging.

I have installed Windows XP on my otherwise-fully-functional Mac because I’ve grown quite fond of some of Telltale Games’ adventure games. While they are far from resource-intensive pigs, they do require Windows in order to run. Sadness, I know .

Anyway, after infecting installing Windows XP, I was all set to go (or so I thought) until I tried to join my wireless network, which failed every time I tried to connect. Windows could see the network and the computer connects just fine under Mac OS X (so it wasn’t a hardware issue). However, Windows XP continued to fail for unknown reasons.

After a quick Google Search™ for a solution via the iPhone, I found a Microsoft support document² with information and a download to resolve the issue. I restarted into Mac OS X in hopes of downloading and applying said patch but was greeted with a lovely “Windows Genuine Advantage” screen instead of a download link.

For those not in the know, Windows Genuine [Dis]Advantage is Microsoft’s way of ‘protecting’ the consumer from fraudulent copies of Windows. At least that’s what they want you to think. In reality, it’s Microsoft’s way of making sure you aren’t running a pirated copy of their shitty operating system. You can’t download updates for Windows if it doesn’t pass the test.

Well, you can see how this is quite the conundrum. Obviously Mac OS X wouldn’t pass the WGA test so I couldn’t use THAT to download the file. And Windows has to verify itself as legal, authentic, legit, etc. over the Internet in order to obtain this file, yet the whole PURPOSE of the patch is to fix my inability to connect in the first place! Boggles the mind.

I ended up running an ethernet cable (so 2008, I know) from the router directly to the the computer, booting into Windows, and authenticating my copy for the download. Happily³, all is well in the world of Windows XP Professional and connecting to my wireless network.

Oh, I nearly forgot what is arguably the best part: My copy of Windows XP Professional is not ‘authentic’ by any means. Nor is my copy of Windows Vista Ultimate [Piece of Shit]. But you can bet your ass BOTH of them pass the WGA test every time I install them, so you can see how effective THAT fuckin’ system is.

I will never in a million years understand how anybody can stand to use Windows, let alone try and defend it as superior to the competition.

And speaking of the competition, Google has announced their own operating system. Is it just me, or does their logo look like a goddamn Simon?

¹Well, Microsoft claims Windows 7 will be released on time. Skeptics, get out your calendars…
²An oxymoron if ever there was.
³As happy as one CAN be when using Windows

Afishionados,

Richard Dawkins appeared in my toast this morning. It’s a sign!

Afishionados,

All this time I’ve been wondering where they originally came from, too…

Afishionados,

Republicans everywhere are pissed at Obama’s spending and have thrown tea parties all over the country. You know, like we did back in Boston around the same time that John McCain was born. Apparently, Republicans don’t like the government spending that’s going on.

I wonder what made ‘em change their minds?

Well, folks, I’m nothing if not generous. And I’ve got a solution for all my pals and it’s simple: Just print more money. Here, this oughta get you started. Pretty soon, it’ll be worth the same as the U.S. dollar, too!

Afishionados,

I read CNN.com every morning to see what’s going on in the world (you know, to make sure the world still exists and all that). And while I don’t care one way or another about American Idol, this caught my attention whilst perusing CNN’s entertainment section:

**SPOILER ALERT: This entry may reveal the contestant leaving the show. Do not continue reading if you do not want to know the results.**

Well, shit! Good thing they posted that disclaimer, right? Otherwise I might figure out who got voted off last night by, oh, I don’t know… The BIG GODDAMN PHOTO instead?

Afishionados,

Mike’s bitching about having to move from Michigan to Texas. He’s having a hard time adjusting to Texas’ Mandatory Homosexual Act of 1845 that states all male citizens of Texas must turn gay if they wish to reside there. Anyway, he’s asking his female blog readers (a.k.a. his mother) to submit photos of themselves to help him cope. I offered to send him a photo of Joey and me (not a naked one, I don’t want to get Mike too excited, after all…) and he shrugs it off as though such a thing weren’t possible!

Well, as it turns out, Joey and I go way back. In fact, we go back further than just bloggin’. I might be the only one who’s actually met Joey Polanski in person. I never told anyone about this before, but Joey and I used to serve in the Marines together. We fought in Vietnam together, and I happen to have a photo of the two of us together:

So, there you have it, nonbelievers. Photographic proof that Private Joey “Pinky” Polanski and I can, in fact, be photographed together. This is one of my favorite photos. We both agreed that I’d carry all the guns and that he’d carry the bag of porn.

I’ll leave it up to Joey to share all our war stories.

Afishionados,

It seems that not a day goes by without more “news” on the New York Post’s “scandalous” political cartoon making the headlines again. If you’re an out-of-the-country reader who has no idea what I am talking about, or you’re an American living under a rock, here is the cartoon that is causing all the fuss:

Lotsa folks are pissed about this, claiming the chimp represents Obama and how dare he be portrayed as such, let alone getting shot. I didn’t think of this when I read it, but I guess many people did. *I* thought it just meant that even a monkey could write a stimulus package, and that perhaps the cartoonist got the idea from the recent chimpanzee attack, which happened around the same time the cartoon was printed. And come on, Obama is way taller than a chimpanzee.

It seems that not everyone agrees with me (or the New York Post’s official statement for that matter). No, unfortunately, the world is full of assholes. And one of the biggest ones is leading the charge against the cartoonist (Sean Delonas).

The Fish is pleased to present this exclusive, never-before-seen photo of Al Sharpton changing his underpants after first hearing about the editorial cartoon. A representative close to Al Sharpton claims he was so furious that he literally shit his pants. And then giggled about it afterward. Tee hee hee!

Now the NAACP is calling for the firing of Sean Delonas. It will be a sad day for the “freedom of the press” if the NAACP gets its way. With all the problems in the world, I can’t believe so many people are arguing about a fuckin’ chimp cartoon that isn’t even racist.

Mr. Delonas, if you are reading this, may I suggest next time you put Al Sharpton in your cartoon instead of the chimp?