May the Farce Be With You

Happy World Homeopathic Awareness Week. In honor of such a landmark occasion, I am very pleased to share with you exclusive video interviews with Melissa Rogers and Katherine Heiney of Shoo!TAG™.

First up, C.E.O. Melissa Rogers answers the age-old question, “Does Shoo!TAG™ Really Work?”

Does ShooTag really work? Click to Watch.

Well, there you have it, folks. No way the C.E.O. would give anything but an honest answer, right?

And speaking of answers, here’s another one from Melissa in response to the question “Is Shoo!TAG™ based on real science?”

Is ShooTag based on real science? Click to Watch.

Special thanks to Melissa Rogers for her candid replies and extreme honesty.

And there you have, it folks. As Mulder would say, the truth is out there.

I got a bag of “Robin Eggs” candy in my Easter basket this year. They’re really just egg-shaped Whoppers® with Easter pastels, but they do taste really good.

Yum

And kudos to Whoppers® for reaching out to their Jewish market:

Kosher Easter Candy!

It’s so nice being able to enjoy kosher Easter candy.

Heart-Shaped but Shit Flavored

Because I love each and every one of U, I have decided to show you just how much by buying you your very own pizza. My favorite pizza shop in the whole wide world has a special right now featuring heart-shaped pizzas. You’re gonna love ‘em, I swear¹.

¹I’m lying. They taste like shit.

Obama’s 2011 budget plans would scrap NASA’s Constellation space program that I am rather fond of. No doubt the plan is to use the money saved for a public healthcare option.

HAHAHAHAHA.

Yea, right. Sorry, what the hell was I thinking.

We’re just going to waste it on other shit like the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. After all, someone’s gotta continue to bless the camel jockeys with the gift of democracy. Clearly the wars are more important than things like public healthcare in this country or space exploration. I bet if the Moon had an earthquake we’d go there. Or weapons of mass destruction. Of course, even if we DID think the Moon had weapons of mass destruction, we wouldn’t be able to find them.

Therefore, because of my disappointment, I have no other choice but to do something like this:

Click to Play the Video

Joey has passed along the most urgent of news. Seriously, folks, this is like front page material and should be on all the 24/7 news channels. Heck, I’d go so far as to say it’s THE single-most important story of the year.

Joey sends via The Huffington Post:

A letter from a US Marine captain criticizing Australian women’s clothing, or lack thereof, has prompted angry rebukes from Aussie men and women.

Can you believe this fucking guy? Captain John Campbell has got a lot of guts and a lot of nerve. Seriously, it takes BALLS to join the Marines if you’re a raging homosexual, which John Campbell may very well be. No straight man in his right mind would EVER tell scantily-clad Australian women to cover up! If you click the HP link and read the article, you’ll notice that John Campbell has no complaints about half-naked (or wholly-naked) Australian dudes, just hot Australian chicks.

Here’s what Captain John Campbell probably looks like:

Captain John Campbell, Possibly Gay

I’m embarrassed, folks. Truly. I think the best (and proper) thing for the United States to do is apologize. I’m willing to go that extra mile for my country and apologize to each and every beautiful Australian woman in the whole friggin’ Land of OZ. Yep, I’m all for getting friendly Down Under. If you’re an attractive Australian female and would like an apology, please leave your contact information in the comments below. You may also (and in fact, are encouraged) to attach a scantily-clad photo of yourself. Or two. Or a hundred.

Well, I’d best be off to Australia to clean up this friggin’ mess of Captain John Campbell. I mean, it’s not like this is the first time a NAVY man has to fix a Marine’s fuck up. And someone has to… um… stand up for Miranda and her rights, don’t they?

Miranda Kerr, Hot Australian

Oh, I’m saluting already!

The holidays are approaching and stress levels seem to to increase as that happens. At least in my family. We don’t do a single holiday without a good fight over something really retarded. Anyhow, intrepid Afishionado Simply C. might just have the solution in getting the family to chill the fuck out:

Better than the Man Chowder

I hope you paid attention when I educated all of you about the shittiness of Windows. If not, go back and read it. I’ll wait here.

As I am sure you all know, Microsoft has released Windows 7 unto the world and I, like a glossy-eyed retard, bought the student version for $30 because I can only play PC games through Windows, XP is getting long in the tooth, and Vista fucking blows. Thankfully, Microsoft was kind enough to let me upgrade my pirated copy of Windows Vista to Windows 7 Pro. Once I was up and running, I tried to easily view an FTP folder and was greeted with this delightful window in Internet Explorer. I followed the instructions given and received an even more confusing popup:

Click for Full Size Stupidity

I also got my first Blue Screen of Death in years. Vista, as much as it sucks, never gave me the BSOD once. Good ol’ Windows 7, however, didn’t waste any time in reminding me of Microsoft’s inferiority. At least it was only $30.

However, lest some other glossy-eyed Windows retard stop by and chastise me for being too Mac-biased [Note: I am], I observed something nearly as stupid tonight for Apple’s Safari browser. I used to have a wonderful ad blocking plugin for Mac that was rendered inoperable with the latest 64 bit release of Mac OS X. Tonight, while searching for an alternative, I came across this site:

Click for Full Size Stupidity

Ad Blocker FAIL. My search for the cure to eliminate Hulu and YouTube Flash ads continues…

Stopped by a Chipotle restaurant yesterday with Grandma to pick up a tasty steak burrito. On the way home, the dumbest dog in America decided to run out in front of the car. The dog did not have a collar on and it looked a lot like the mangy dog from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. And though I could see the dog out of the corner of my eye and I instinctively knew that it was going to bolt out in front of the vehicle, I wasn’t able to bring the car to a complete stop from the 35 MPH that Grandma and I were traveling at.

Holy Fucking Shit That's a Car!

Well, that isn’t completely true. I definitely came to a complete stop once I actually hit the dog. Car definitely stopped then, I promise you. At this point, I wasn’t sure what was worse: knowing that I had hit the dog or hearing an 85-year-old lady trying to figure out what to do by yelling at me like I had done this on purpose.

Sure, I’ve hit animals before, and enjoyed it on at least one occasion. But I happen to like dogs, and I would never want to drive over one on purpose. I pulled over to the side of the road for a moment and saw that the dog had gotten up, was panting (and rightfully so) and then walked away as though nothing was wrong. So I continued to drive home.

And before you PETA Nazis start to chastise me for not stopping, the dog jumped out in front of the car without my permission, I had no idea whose dog it was or where it had been, and I didn’t want to chance something like getting bitten or dealing with rabies. I mean, I am pretty sure that if someone hit me with a car and then approached me after, I’d fucking bite them, no question.

Now, had the dog remained lying there, then yes, I would have scooped it up and taken it to the emergency pet hospital  about a mile away. But, the dog got up and walked away with a goddam smile on its face. And if it can get up and walk away, it means the dog is fully capable of biting. It was very reminiscent of that scene with Kevin Costner in Dances with Wolves when he makes the suicide run and lives. I think the dog did it on purpose. Perhaps the makers of Shoo!TAG™ can come up with a really powerful device that emits enough hokum energy to repel a moving vehicle.

And I know what the #1 question on your mind is and I am here to allay any concerns that you may have about it. Rest assured that, once I got home, my burrito was still hot.

My Chipotle Burrito

Shoo!TAG™ Frequently Asked Questions (F.A.Q.):

Q: Does Shoo!TAG™ really work?
A: No.

Though it is highly improbable that any exist, you may report errors and omissions to this F.A.Q. by leaving a comment below. In the event that a mistake is discovered, a team of experts will review your claim(s) and make adjustments and post corrections as necessary. Thank you.

The Credibility of Melissa Rogers and Shoo!TAG™ (Click to Play Video)