Afishionados,

Heart-Shaped but Shit Flavored

Because I love each and every one of U, I have decided to show you just how much by buying you your very own pizza. My favorite pizza shop in the whole wide world has a special right now featuring heart-shaped pizzas. You’re gonna love ‘em, I swear¹.

¹I’m lying. They taste like shit.

Afishionados,

Obama’s 2011 budget plans would scrap NASA’s Constellation space program that I am rather fond of. No doubt the plan is to use the money saved for a public healthcare option.

HAHAHAHAHA.

Yea, right. Sorry, what the hell was I thinking.

We’re just going to waste it on other shit like the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. After all, someone’s gotta continue to bless the camel jockeys with the gift of democracy. Clearly the wars are more important than things like public healthcare in this country or space exploration. I bet if the Moon had an earthquake we’d go there. Or weapons of mass destruction. Of course, even if we DID think the Moon had weapons of mass destruction, we wouldn’t be able to find them.

Therefore, because of my disappointment, I have no other choice but to do something like this:

Click to Play the Video

Afishionados,

Joey has passed along the most urgent of news. Seriously, folks, this is like front page material and should be on all the 24/7 news channels. Heck, I’d go so far as to say it’s THE single-most important story of the year.

Joey sends via The Huffington Post:

A letter from a US Marine captain criticizing Australian women’s clothing, or lack thereof, has prompted angry rebukes from Aussie men and women.

Can you believe this fucking guy? Captain John Campbell has got a lot of guts and a lot of nerve. Seriously, it takes BALLS to join the Marines if you’re a raging homosexual, which John Campbell may very well be. No straight man in his right mind would EVER tell scantily-clad Australian women to cover up! If you click the HP link and read the article, you’ll notice that John Campbell has no complaints about half-naked (or wholly-naked) Australian dudes, just hot Australian chicks.

Here’s what Captain John Campbell probably looks like:

Captain John Campbell, Possibly Gay

I’m embarrassed, folks. Truly. I think the best (and proper) thing for the United States to do is apologize. I’m willing to go that extra mile for my country and apologize to each and every beautiful Australian woman in the whole friggin’ Land of OZ. Yep, I’m all for getting friendly Down Under. If you’re an attractive Australian female and would like an apology, please leave your contact information in the comments below. You may also (and in fact, are encouraged) to attach a scantily-clad photo of yourself. Or two. Or a hundred.

Well, I’d best be off to Australia to clean up this friggin’ mess of Captain John Campbell. I mean, it’s not like this is the first time a NAVY man has to fix a Marine’s fuck up. And someone has to… um… stand up for Miranda and her rights, don’t they?

Miranda Kerr, Hot Australian

Oh, I’m saluting already!

Afishionados,

The holidays are approaching and stress levels seem to to increase as that happens. At least in my family. We don’t do a single holiday without a good fight over something really retarded. Anyhow, intrepid Afishionado Simply C. might just have the solution in getting the family to chill the fuck out:

Better than the Man Chowder

Afishionados,

I hope you paid attention when I educated all of you about the shittiness of Windows. If not, go back and read it. I’ll wait here.

As I am sure you all know, Microsoft has released Windows 7 unto the world and I, like a glossy-eyed retard, bought the student version for $30 because I can only play PC games through Windows, XP is getting long in the tooth, and Vista fucking blows. Thankfully, Microsoft was kind enough to let me upgrade my pirated copy of Windows Vista to Windows 7 Pro. Once I was up and running, I tried to easily view an FTP folder and was greeted with this delightful window in Internet Explorer. I followed the instructions given and received an even more confusing popup:

Click for Full Size Stupidity

I also got my first Blue Screen of Death in years. Vista, as much as it sucks, never gave me the BSOD once. Good ol’ Windows 7, however, didn’t waste any time in reminding me of Microsoft’s inferiority. At least it was only $30.

However, lest some other glossy-eyed Windows retard stop by and chastise me for being too Mac-biased [Note: I am], I observed something nearly as stupid tonight for Apple’s Safari browser. I used to have a wonderful ad blocking plugin for Mac that was rendered inoperable with the latest 64 bit release of Mac OS X. Tonight, while searching for an alternative, I came across this site:

Click for Full Size Stupidity

Ad Blocker FAIL. My search for the cure to eliminate Hulu and YouTube Flash ads continues…

Afishionados,

Stopped by a Chipotle restaurant yesterday with Grandma to pick up a tasty steak burrito. On the way home, the dumbest dog in America decided to run out in front of the car. The dog did not have a collar on and it looked a lot like the mangy dog from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. And though I could see the dog out of the corner of my eye and I instinctively knew that it was going to bolt out in front of the vehicle, I wasn’t able to bring the car to a complete stop from the 35 MPH that Grandma and I were traveling at.

Holy Fucking Shit That's a Car!

Well, that isn’t completely true. I definitely came to a complete stop once I actually hit the dog. Car definitely stopped then, I promise you. At this point, I wasn’t sure what was worse: knowing that I had hit the dog or hearing an 85-year-old lady trying to figure out what to do by yelling at me like I had done this on purpose.

Sure, I’ve hit animals before, and enjoyed it on at least one occasion. But I happen to like dogs, and I would never want to drive over one on purpose. I pulled over to the side of the road for a moment and saw that the dog had gotten up, was panting (and rightfully so) and then walked away as though nothing was wrong. So I continued to drive home.

And before you PETA Nazis start to chastise me for not stopping, the dog jumped out in front of the car without my permission, I had no idea whose dog it was or where it had been, and I didn’t want to chance something like getting bitten or dealing with rabies. I mean, I am pretty sure that if someone hit me with a car and then approached me after, I’d fucking bite them, no question.

Now, had the dog remained lying there, then yes, I would have scooped it up and taken it to the emergency pet hospital  about a mile away. But, the dog got up and walked away with a goddam smile on its face. And if it can get up and walk away, it means the dog is fully capable of biting. It was very reminiscent of that scene with Kevin Costner in Dances with Wolves when he makes the suicide run and lives. I think the dog did it on purpose. Perhaps the makers of Shoo!TAG™ can come up with a really powerful device that emits enough hokum energy to repel a moving vehicle.

And I know what the #1 question on your mind is and I am here to allay any concerns that you may have about it. Rest assured that, once I got home, my burrito was still hot.

My Chipotle Burrito

Afishionados,

Shoo!TAG™ Frequently Asked Questions (F.A.Q.):

Q: Does Shoo!TAG™ really work?
A: No.

Though it is highly improbable that any exist, you may report errors and omissions to this F.A.Q. by leaving a comment below. In the event that a mistake is discovered, a team of experts will review your claim(s) and make adjustments and post corrections as necessary. Thank you.

The Credibility of Melissa Rogers and Shoo!TAG™

Afishionados,

Mom’s into needlework and quilting, and one of the things she likes to do is redwork. Sometimes she gets free patterns, and sometimes they’re free for a reason. Like this ‘winner’:

Why is there a space at the bottom of his last button? It looks to me that the snowman still has his nose, so I wonder what part of him the rabbit is eating. Suspicious…

Afishionados,

Behold! The new box art for Microsoft’s upcoming¹ Windows 7! At least, what the box art would look like if I were designing the packaging.

I have installed Windows XP on my otherwise-fully-functional Mac because I’ve grown quite fond of some of Telltale Games’ adventure games. While they are far from resource-intensive pigs, they do require Windows in order to run. Sadness, I know .

Anyway, after infecting installing Windows XP, I was all set to go (or so I thought) until I tried to join my wireless network, which failed every time I tried to connect. Windows could see the network and the computer connects just fine under Mac OS X (so it wasn’t a hardware issue). However, Windows XP continued to fail for unknown reasons.

After a quick Google Search™ for a solution via the iPhone, I found a Microsoft support document² with information and a download to resolve the issue. I restarted into Mac OS X in hopes of downloading and applying said patch but was greeted with a lovely “Windows Genuine Advantage” screen instead of a download link.

For those not in the know, Windows Genuine [Dis]Advantage is Microsoft’s way of ‘protecting’ the consumer from fraudulent copies of Windows. At least that’s what they want you to think. In reality, it’s Microsoft’s way of making sure you aren’t running a pirated copy of their shitty operating system. You can’t download updates for Windows if it doesn’t pass the test.

Well, you can see how this is quite the conundrum. Obviously Mac OS X wouldn’t pass the WGA test so I couldn’t use THAT to download the file. And Windows has to verify itself as legal, authentic, legit, etc. over the Internet in order to obtain this file, yet the whole PURPOSE of the patch is to fix my inability to connect in the first place! Boggles the mind.

I ended up running an ethernet cable (so 2008, I know) from the router directly to the the computer, booting into Windows, and authenticating my copy for the download. Happily³, all is well in the world of Windows XP Professional and connecting to my wireless network.

Oh, I nearly forgot what is arguably the best part: My copy of Windows XP Professional is not ‘authentic’ by any means. Nor is my copy of Windows Vista Ultimate [Piece of Shit]. But you can bet your ass BOTH of them pass the WGA test every time I install them, so you can see how effective THAT fuckin’ system is.

I will never in a million years understand how anybody can stand to use Windows, let alone try and defend it as superior to the competition.

And speaking of the competition, Google has announced their own operating system. Is it just me, or does their logo look like a goddamn Simon?

¹Well, Microsoft claims Windows 7 will be released on time. Skeptics, get out your calendars…
²An oxymoron if ever there was.
³As happy as one CAN be when using Windows

Afishionados,

All this time I’ve been wondering where they originally came from, too…