Afishionados,

Obama’s 2011 budget plans would scrap NASA’s Constellation space program that I am rather fond of. No doubt the plan is to use the money saved for a public healthcare option.

HAHAHAHAHA.

Yea, right. Sorry, what the hell was I thinking.

We’re just going to waste it on other shit like the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. After all, someone’s gotta continue to bless the camel jockeys with the gift of democracy. Clearly the wars are more important than things like public healthcare in this country or space exploration. I bet if the Moon had an earthquake we’d go there. Or weapons of mass destruction. Of course, even if we DID think the Moon had weapons of mass destruction, we wouldn’t be able to find them.

Therefore, because of my disappointment, I have no other choice but to do something like this:

Click to Play the Video

Afishionados,

The Ares I-X Launches! Photo © NASA

Today was a historical day, yet few people seem to realize it. NASA successfully launched the Ares I-X rocket this morning, which is set to replace the aging [read: old as FUCK] space shuttle, due to be retired in 2010. NASA hopes the Ares I, along with the Ares V, will take astronauts back to the moon and beyond sometime around 2015.

I was at Sterling & Cooper when the launch occurred, but thankfully NASA had a QuickTime stream of it that I could watch for free. Miss Holloway and I watched together. She sat on my lap the whole time. When asked what her favorite part about the whole thing was, Miss Holloway said, “I like all the thrust.”

NASA had attempted to launch the Ares I-X yesterday morning, but poor weather conditions forced a scrub. The launch was rescheduled for today at 8:00 A.M. ET, so of course it was launched today around 11:30 A.M. It was amazing, and I wish I could have been there to see it in person instead of a rather crappy QuickTime stream.

The Ares I-X in the Air Photo © NASA

The entire mission lasted only a few minutes, which is more than I can say for some people and their rockets who are more likely to explode before they even get up. To my knowledge, the Ares I-X was a huge success with no failures. Unfortunately, the video stream I watched did not show the parachutes and splashdown, though NASA claims that even the recovery went as expected. Hopefully more details are released as data from the mission is gathered and analyzed.

A View from Above. Photo © NASA. Video © CNN. Click to play.

For those of you who missed the launch, I have shamelessly pilfered the footage from CNN’s web site and reposted it here for your viewing pleasure. CNN’s video is much better quality than was NASA’s live stream. The colors and pixelation aren’t near as bad. NASA can land men on the moon and rovers on Mars, but they can’t stream an HD feed, apparently.

Now that Ares I-X has proven successful, I look forward to future launches and further developments with NASA’s Constellation program. I don’t know if today’s successful mission means Ares gets to lose its “X” designation or not, but hopefully we’re one step closer, if not a giant leap. I also hope that today’s mission persuades the Obama administration to keep funding the program so that it doesn’t suffer the same fate as Apollo. One of these days, Ares, BANG, ZOOM! To the moon!

"Norton, we have a problem."

Afishionados,

Another year has gone by, and with it another summer has arrived. And what’s summer without a new iPhone, right? Unless you have been living under a rock, I’m sure you’ve heard that the new iPhone 3G S was released yesterday, June 19. I was not privy to the excitement this year, but I read that lines were much shorter than last year.

Either nobody wants the new iPhone 3G S, or (what I think is more likely) more folks simply pre-ordered and had it shipped to their house. Honestly, free overnight shipping form China or wait in line overnight to maybe get one. Which would you choose? Still, exact sales figures have yet to be released, but I bet Apple sells a shitload of them.

Of course, while it seems that Apple was well-prepared for this year’s mad rush of the iPhone, AT&T is still running the oldest servers in the world and are experiencing difficulties in activating the new iPhones for use on their network. Some recent iPhone buyers, when attempting to activate their new phone, have been greeted with this “Frequently Asked Questions” support page in iTunes:

(Click for full size)

Well, I sure hope that clears things up for you. Feel free to add… um… revisions to the FAQ in the comments below.

Afishionados,

It seems that not a day goes by without more “news” on the New York Post’s “scandalous” political cartoon making the headlines again. If you’re an out-of-the-country reader who has no idea what I am talking about, or you’re an American living under a rock, here is the cartoon that is causing all the fuss:

Lotsa folks are pissed about this, claiming the chimp represents Obama and how dare he be portrayed as such, let alone getting shot. I didn’t think of this when I read it, but I guess many people did. *I* thought it just meant that even a monkey could write a stimulus package, and that perhaps the cartoonist got the idea from the recent chimpanzee attack, which happened around the same time the cartoon was printed. And come on, Obama is way taller than a chimpanzee.

It seems that not everyone agrees with me (or the New York Post’s official statement for that matter). No, unfortunately, the world is full of assholes. And one of the biggest ones is leading the charge against the cartoonist (Sean Delonas).

The Fish is pleased to present this exclusive, never-before-seen photo of Al Sharpton changing his underpants after first hearing about the editorial cartoon. A representative close to Al Sharpton claims he was so furious that he literally shit his pants. And then giggled about it afterward. Tee hee hee!

Now the NAACP is calling for the firing of Sean Delonas. It will be a sad day for the “freedom of the press” if the NAACP gets its way. With all the problems in the world, I can’t believe so many people are arguing about a fuckin’ chimp cartoon that isn’t even racist.

Mr. Delonas, if you are reading this, may I suggest next time you put Al Sharpton in your cartoon instead of the chimp?

Afishionados,

Rest in peace, Mr. Whitmore. You will be missed.

Afishionados,

It’s been making the news for a couple of days now (and why it continues to be featured is beyond me) but it seems a New Zealander bought himself a used MP3 player and discovered that it contained secret military files and personal information of some soldiers.

First, this is exactly why the moon landing occurred for real and why 911 was not some secret ploy by the government (i.e., the government did not hire some camel jockeys to crash into the WTC). Folks, the government just isn’t intelligent enough to pull off that kind of a lie. And anyone who has ever been in the military (or worked for the government in some other fashion) knows how much paperwork is involved for even the simplest of tasks, let alone a ‘conspiracy’ such as the moon landing.

Although I can’t fix what has already happened (sadly, the enemy now knows what color drapes Obama has chosen for his super secret fallout bunker), I do have a solution for the government so that something like this never happens again.

If you’re going to hide your super secret files on an MP3 player, hide them on a Microsoft Zune. Nobody wants a Zune.

Afishionados,

The Mac turns 25 today. And what better way to celebrate than to elect a Mac user to the White House?

Woo hoo!

Afishionados,

Uncle Sam has decided that certain items are forbidden at President (Yes, PRESIDENT, not President-Elect. Fuck Bush) Obama’s inauguration. Some things on the list make sense, like… Well, none of the stuff on the list makes sense, actually. But it’s the government we’re talking about here, so it’s not supposed to make sense. If it did, then the world as we know it would probably explode. Only in a world where I am married to Leighton Meester can the United States government do something right.

One of the items on the list is an umbrella. Clearly this is to keep away British spies. We can’t allow just anyone to drop in, sing songs, and try and get us to feed the birds.

Backpacks are not permitted either. And for good reason. The last thing we need is some nutcase to come in with a backpack hoping to shoot a spook. No, we definitely can’t have that.

Strollers are also on the list, which you might think is dumb. And it is (I said it was the government, didn’t I?). But allowing strollers means someone could sneak in secret weapons far worse than guns or explosives.

But at least we’re safe from the terrorists, right?

Afishionados,

I read on CNN today that gays are allowed to join the British Secret Intelligence Service. Or, in their own words, Britissssssshhhh Sssssssecret Intelligenccccccce Ssssssserviccccccce. I wonder if they’ll make movies about this. Does anyone really want to see Octopecker? Guy Another Day? Goldenguy? The Guy Who Loved Me? For Your Guys Only? And I’m not sure I want to know what kind of moon will feature in Moonraker. Or whose finger we’re talking about in Goldfinger…

Afishionados,

Tonight during Hell’s Kitchen, Fox Noise sported one of their little news blips at the bottom of the screen and, despite my best efforts in trying to ignore it, I couldn’t help myself.

It’s hard to think of a bigger bullshit claim than this one by Faux News. Oh, wait. There is this one that I know of.