Afishionados,

Obama’s 2011 budget plans would scrap NASA’s Constellation space program that I am rather fond of. No doubt the plan is to use the money saved for a public healthcare option.

HAHAHAHAHA.

Yea, right. Sorry, what the hell was I thinking.

We’re just going to waste it on other shit like the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. After all, someone’s gotta continue to bless the camel jockeys with the gift of democracy. Clearly the wars are more important than things like public healthcare in this country or space exploration. I bet if the Moon had an earthquake we’d go there. Or weapons of mass destruction. Of course, even if we DID think the Moon had weapons of mass destruction, we wouldn’t be able to find them.

Therefore, because of my disappointment, I have no other choice but to do something like this:

Click to Play the Video

Afishionados,

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Afishionados,

Michael Jackson’s death has really stolen the spotlight away from Farrah Fawcett’s death. I can’t say that my friends and I were big Michael Jackson fans, but we were DEFINITELY fans of Charlie’s Angels. Damn. It’s really gonna be hard for us at the convention this year. While we may not be able to get all the autographs we’d hoped for, there’s some consolation in knowing that we still have our costumes.

As you can see, I’m just torn up over the news of Farrah’s death. Joey, well… Since when the fuck is Joey sure of what’n the hell is going on? And Anaglyph’s just happy that his hair isn’t all fucked up yet.

Special thanks to Cissy Strutt for taking such a fantastic photo of us and for dropping us off at the mall on Saturdays.

EDIT: I would also like to take this opportunity to give a shout out to the Australian nurse of my [wet] dreams and Fourth Angel, Nurse Myra who, up until this very moment, has eluded my blogroll. Well, no more, my love.

Afishionados,

The sequel to the 2006 Summer Blockbuster! And an Grammy-winning soundtrack by Morgovudka!

And seriously, Joey: Where art thou?

Afishionados,

I’ve been watching a lot of the Olympics lately, especially the “big sports” like swimming, gymnastics, and the track and field stuff. I watched Shawn Johnson kick ass and win another gold for the United States last night in women’s gymnastics, and I couldn’t help but notice that she looks ever so slightly like Little Debbie.

Which made me think of Little Debbie’s Strawberry Shortcake Rolls. I have always liked them, but I haven’t had them since I was a kid. I’m sure the red dye used in the “jelly” is full of poison or something, but dammit, they just taste so good. And so, this afternoon, I ventured off to the grocery store to acquire said delicious treats.

The last time I bought Little Debbie’s Strawberry Shortcake Rolls, they cost $0.79 for a carton of six. Today that same box costs $1.59. A 200% increase in price? Really, Debbie? It’s going to be like that, is it?

I bought the shortcake rolls anyway because I craved them so badly, but it wasn’t until I got home that I noticed Little Debbie’s photo on the new packaging had changed from the olden days. You might think that Little Debbie wouldn’t have such a scathing look and fiery red eyes, but it’s true. She’s not as innocent as you think. I also didn’t realize she was German.

Afishionados,

A friend of mine mentioned that he’ll be visiting The Creation Museum. Not because he’s religious or believes any of it, but because there’s really nothing good playing in theaters and he needs a good laugh.

I didn’t even realize that there was a creationist museum. But apparently it’s true, and it’s in Kentucky, which, I guess, makes sense because Kentucky isn’t the brightest state in the Union. It’s only about an hour from my house, and I’m tempted to visit myself. I’m not sure I can justify handing over the $20 admission fee, though. It just feels… dirty. At least I know I’m being had before I go in, you know? But I guess there are people out there who believe this shit is for real. I think I’d rather visit Disney World. At least Disney World admits it’s just a fantasy.

Despite the fact that I know it’s all a farce, my curiosity led me to their web site. Imagine my surprise when I was greeted with this on the front page!

Well, shit! This changes EVERYTHING! You mean if I visit the Creation Museum I get to pet friggin’ dinosaurs?!?! Dang! I’m so there!

The museum even has an answer for the existence of dinosaurs. See? People used to ride them! Never mind the fact that no archaeologist has ever uncovered the existence of a dinosaur saddle because this proves that it’s true. This is an exact replica of the dinosaur that Mary rode to Bethlehem. And you thought she rode a donkey! By the way, Creationists, I think you owe royalties to the very talented Mr. James Gurney. You totally ripped him off, and his fantasy stories are WAY better.

The museum was designed by some former exhibit director for Universal Studios. And it shows, because all the dinosaurs on display look exactly like those from Jurassic Park (a Universal Studios movie), right down to their sculpting, paint jobs, and inaccuracies. The velociraptors, for example, are the same 6 foot size as they were in the JP film. In reality, velociraptors, while 6 feet long, were only about 1.5 to 2 feet in height. While I’m not surprised that the Creationists got this ‘minor’ detail wrong, it just goes to show you that they really did steal the models from Jurassic Park.

Rest assured, should I ever visit, I’ll definitely take my camera along to the Petting Zoo and take pictures of all the cool dinosaurs. My first stop, though, will be stopping by Jesus’ cage. For some reason, it just seems polite to pet him first.

Afishionados,

Lotsa folks out there are big supporters of Barack Obama. They’ve all got their reasons, but I’m here to ask you just one question:

Is another black man in Washington D.C. begging for change really what this country needs?

Do the right thing. Vote Polanski.

Afishionados,

Afishionados,

Wash your hands because the claptrap is spreading…

Afishionados,

Once upon a time there lived an evil bitch. She was short and had red hair and she was very annoying.

The evil bitch was married to an Awesome King, but filed to leave him when the King was out of the castle visiting a family member that had just come back from the Crusades.

The evil bitch lacked any self confidence, so she made friends with idiots more easily than most. The idiots and the evil bitch liked to hang out and talk about how pointless their existence really was.

As a means to deal with her incompetence, the evil bitch turned to alcohol. This caused her to throw up in the King’s castle and pass out on the floor.

The evil bitch’s mother was even worse. Her mother was a rare species known throughout the land as an Ubercunt: A vicious creature that is known to suffer from hypochondria, laziness, drug addiction, and the Lifetime television network.

The evil bitch was completely incapable of ever saying “NO” to the Ubercunt. Anything the Ubercunt asked of the evil bitch, the evil bitch did. No matter what. After deciding to leave the Awesome King, the evil bitch teamed up with the Ubercunt to try and displease the Awesome King. Much like their own lives, their attempts were futile and pointless.

One day, the Awesome King received a packet of bullshit paperwork from the Ubercunt and the evil bitch. It had been sent via another feared beast, known as a Loiyar. As it turned out, the Ubercunt and the evil bitch had been reading His Majesty’s Royal Blog! Unfortunately for the Ubercunt and the evil bitch, His Almighty Highness the Awesome King had expected this all along, and so he had been careful as to what he should post about.

The packet of bullshit paperwork contained reproductions of the Awesome King’s posts about his new cell phone and his new Adobe software for school, along with complaints as to the funding of such niceties. The Awesome King never admitted to paying for these niceties himself, and so the cries of the Ubercunt and evil bitch were silenced. If only they could be silenced forever.

As long as the Ubercunt and the evil bitch are reading the Awesome King’s blog, they may as well also know that the Awesome King has recently acquired the brand spankin’ new Apple operating system, Mac OS X 10.5 Leopard a full two days earlier than the general public. And there is absolutely no way in hell that the Awesome King will ever send the Ubercunt and the evil bitch a copy for their *outdated* iMac.

And the Awesome King continued to live on, happier than ever without the evil bitch around.