Afishionados,

Been AWOL for family reasons. Been doing lots of drinking.

You know, instead of hanging out with Anaglyph, Joey, and Yuliya.

Afishionados,

Heart-Shaped but Shit Flavored

Because I love each and every one of U, I have decided to show you just how much by buying you your very own pizza. My favorite pizza shop in the whole wide world has a special right now featuring heart-shaped pizzas. You’re gonna love ‘em, I swear¹.

¹I’m lying. They taste like shit.

Afishionados,

Obama’s 2011 budget plans would scrap NASA’s Constellation space program that I am rather fond of. No doubt the plan is to use the money saved for a public healthcare option.

HAHAHAHAHA.

Yea, right. Sorry, what the hell was I thinking.

We’re just going to waste it on other shit like the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. After all, someone’s gotta continue to bless the camel jockeys with the gift of democracy. Clearly the wars are more important than things like public healthcare in this country or space exploration. I bet if the Moon had an earthquake we’d go there. Or weapons of mass destruction. Of course, even if we DID think the Moon had weapons of mass destruction, we wouldn’t be able to find them.

Therefore, because of my disappointment, I have no other choice but to do something like this:

Click to Play the Video

Afishionados,

Delicious Hunan Chicken

Went out for Chinese with mom tonight. I was enjoying my hunan chicken when I overhear a portion of an elderly couple’s conversation.

…Anus shaver, with her husband. I think they did it together.

I stopped eating immediately and looked at mom.

“What the hell are they talking about?”

“What do you mean?”

“She just said ‘anus shaver’, didn’t she?”

Mom snorts on a pepper from her hunan shrimp.

“Anice Shaffer. She said Anice Shaffer!”

“Oh. Oops.”

Afishionados,

Joey Polanski likes Nested Egg Dolls.

Joey shoves these up his buttski

And he likes little girls.

Joey's Favorite Book

So I found him the perfect gift today:

The Perfect Giftski for Joey Polanski

Hamov vodker, ol’ palski!

Afishionados,

Click to Embiggen

What are you waiting for? COME RHYME and BE LONG!

Afishionados,

He'll give you hogwarts

Albus Dumbledore is the Headmaster at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry from the Harry Potter books. He’s a wizard, Order of Merlin First Class. He’s also gay.

Gandalf the White doesn't care about Labor Day

This is Gandalf the White from The Lord of the Rings. He’s played by the actor Ian McKellan. Ian is, in fact, not a wizard at all. But he is a homosexual.

Ain't NASCAR just grand?

This is a redneck. He thinks the Grand Wizard is a swell guy. I wonder if he’s aware of the pattern I’ve discovered among wizards…

Afishionados,

Hey, whaddya know?

Christmas Eve

It’s Christmas Eve.

Afishionados,

Christmas time must be here, because the family has been arriving throughout the day (and night). The half of the family that is already here has been scurrying and cleaning for hours now. Doc has been hard at work, tackling the ongoing battle that is the cat litter box. A neat-freak whose pedantry rivals event the best, Doc not only scrubs the shitbox out, but filters and sifts for the tiniest of cat nuggets in much the same way as one might pan for gold. Like Jane Goodall among the apes, I observe from the sidelines and, as best as I can tell, the ultimate goal is to remove even the most miniscule of trinkets and reuse as much litter as possible.

Panning for Cat Shit

Seeing as how Doc is Chinese, I suppose the cat should be glad it gets such exceptional treatment. After all, it could be much worse.

The other white meat.

Afishionados,

On my way to Cincinnati this morning, I felt as though I had temporarily lost my way for a bit. It was almost as if I couldn’t remember who I was, what I was doing, or how I got there. The NPR program on the radio… Had I heard it before? Strange that so many things felt familiar, and yet brand new at the same time. Fortunately, everything came swirling back to me and I regained cognition after just a few miles on the highway. How odd…

Which Way Did I Go?