Afishionados,

Obama’s 2011 budget plans would scrap NASA’s Constellation space program that I am rather fond of. No doubt the plan is to use the money saved for a public healthcare option.

HAHAHAHAHA.

Yea, right. Sorry, what the hell was I thinking.

We’re just going to waste it on other shit like the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. After all, someone’s gotta continue to bless the camel jockeys with the gift of democracy. Clearly the wars are more important than things like public healthcare in this country or space exploration. I bet if the Moon had an earthquake we’d go there. Or weapons of mass destruction. Of course, even if we DID think the Moon had weapons of mass destruction, we wouldn’t be able to find them.

Therefore, because of my disappointment, I have no other choice but to do something like this:

Click to Play the Video

Afishionados,

Behold! The new box art for Microsoft’s upcoming¹ Windows 7! At least, what the box art would look like if I were designing the packaging.

I have installed Windows XP on my otherwise-fully-functional Mac because I’ve grown quite fond of some of Telltale Games’ adventure games. While they are far from resource-intensive pigs, they do require Windows in order to run. Sadness, I know .

Anyway, after infecting installing Windows XP, I was all set to go (or so I thought) until I tried to join my wireless network, which failed every time I tried to connect. Windows could see the network and the computer connects just fine under Mac OS X (so it wasn’t a hardware issue). However, Windows XP continued to fail for unknown reasons.

After a quick Google Search™ for a solution via the iPhone, I found a Microsoft support document² with information and a download to resolve the issue. I restarted into Mac OS X in hopes of downloading and applying said patch but was greeted with a lovely “Windows Genuine Advantage” screen instead of a download link.

For those not in the know, Windows Genuine [Dis]Advantage is Microsoft’s way of ‘protecting’ the consumer from fraudulent copies of Windows. At least that’s what they want you to think. In reality, it’s Microsoft’s way of making sure you aren’t running a pirated copy of their shitty operating system. You can’t download updates for Windows if it doesn’t pass the test.

Well, you can see how this is quite the conundrum. Obviously Mac OS X wouldn’t pass the WGA test so I couldn’t use THAT to download the file. And Windows has to verify itself as legal, authentic, legit, etc. over the Internet in order to obtain this file, yet the whole PURPOSE of the patch is to fix my inability to connect in the first place! Boggles the mind.

I ended up running an ethernet cable (so 2008, I know) from the router directly to the the computer, booting into Windows, and authenticating my copy for the download. Happily³, all is well in the world of Windows XP Professional and connecting to my wireless network.

Oh, I nearly forgot what is arguably the best part: My copy of Windows XP Professional is not ‘authentic’ by any means. Nor is my copy of Windows Vista Ultimate [Piece of Shit]. But you can bet your ass BOTH of them pass the WGA test every time I install them, so you can see how effective THAT fuckin’ system is.

I will never in a million years understand how anybody can stand to use Windows, let alone try and defend it as superior to the competition.

And speaking of the competition, Google has announced their own operating system. Is it just me, or does their logo look like a goddamn Simon?

¹Well, Microsoft claims Windows 7 will be released on time. Skeptics, get out your calendars…
²An oxymoron if ever there was.
³As happy as one CAN be when using Windows

Afishionados,

I’ve been preparing for a psychology test tomorrow and to say that it’s been an excruciatingly dull couple of hours does not do proper justice to the the abysmal magnitude of boredom that I have experienced. I began with the history of psychology…. ZZZZZzzzzzz….. Oh, shit, sorry. I fell asleep again. From there, I moved on to a repeat of 8th grade anatomy of nerves and how senses work. Apparently nothing has changed since then, as my visual senses have demonstrated. The only redeeming portion (if such a thing exists) is the bit about Freud. The guy may well be full of shit, but at least his bizarre theories of sex and aggression are more interesting than reading about how the sense of smell is converted to a neural pulse. Unfortunately, the textbook leaves out all the good parts about Freud’s cocaine use.

The material is so uninteresting to me that I have created this chart to help you better understand:

The designer in me wants to make this into a shirt and wear it to class just to see what would happen.

Afishionados,

(Click for full size)

I was in Cleveland over the weekend to watch the Indians lose (no surprise, there, really) and I was almost killed by one of my many nemeses, the seagull. And this time, they attacked in, like, a whole damned flock. The photo above was taken after the game, so the other two Indians fans that were in attendance besides me had already left. But just LOOK at all them flying rats. I know that nearly every team the Indians plays shits all over ‘em, but dang! Do the BIRDS really hafta do it, TOO!?

Afishionados,

One of my last design classes is mind-numbingly excruciating because of the folks in it. A niche group of women who can’t design anything that isn’t pink has this quirk where they substitute cutesy, childish phrases for cuss words. I don’t participate in their insipid conversations, but because I [unfortunately] sit behind them, I frequently overhear them. They often discuss the trite and predictable Twilight saga that has replaced Harry Potter in the minds of teenage girls everywhere. At least Harry Potter has interesting characters and a good story. Anyway, a typical exchange usually consists of something like this:

“Oh, my GOD, don’t you think that Edward is, like, TOTALLY cute?

“He’s okay, but I picture him cuter in the book than in the movie.”

“Shut the front door! You did not just say that!”

I take a very pro-swearing stance and I am always baffled when people are offended by it, but not offended when ‘kid phrases’ are used instead. Obvously, the meaning is the same, so why not just fucking say the REAL phrase? I remember as a kid giving my mom the ‘4th finger’ once. And I got my ass handed to me because the intent was the same as giving her the middle finger. To me, substituting these lame phrases for swear words is the same thing.

I’ve read that swearing is a sign on unintelligence, but I wholeheartedly disagree. You sound much more retarded by saying “Shut the front door” or “Cheese and Rice” instead of the real deal. How can people like that be taken seriously?

What do you fuckers think?

Afishionados,

Went out to dinner with mom tonight and it turns out she didn’t get her mail this evening. And yesterday the postman wrote her a note on a piece of her mail stating “Please clear approach to your mailbox. Thanks!!”

For those of you not in the know, the midwest got its ass handed to it last week with the biggest snowstorm of the season. My particular region of Ohio got 4 inches one day, followed by another 14 the very next. Needless to say, much of it is still around, though the roads and streets are all clear.

That is, except mom’s I guess. She lives in a cul de sac in a township that doesn’t seem to want to thoroughly plow the street around the mailbox. So now, a week later, that snow has turned to a very small pile of ice.

As you can see, the sidewalk is completely clear, and you can see part of the actual street in the photo as well. It’s a very small patch of ice, not a friggin’ glacier by any means. In fact, the ice doesn’t even go much past the bottom of the photo. It’s not like the whole street is frozen or anything. Unfortunately, the post office has decided to stop delivering mom’s mail because of it.

The truth of the matter is that the postman simply doesn’t want to get out of his little wagon. It’s too difficult for the driver to get out of his “truck” and walk 3 steps to the mailbox. As you can see from the photo, someone has walked up to the mailbox a few times because there are footprints in the snow. So why can’t the driver do the same?

Mom is no stranger to dealing with the United States Post Office. Years ago, in a different city, the post office decided to stop mom’s mail once before. The mailbox was attached to the side of the house, not on a post at the edge of the driveway. The postman had no problems or issues with getting out of his truck and walking to the house to deliver the mail (again, a rather small driveway, not a trek to Mordor). But his boss didn’t like the idea, and so the mail was stopped. Mom tried to work with the postal officials, but they refused to budge on their decision. So, mom went above all their heads and called John Glenn (who was senator at the time) and explained the situation to him. The man made a few calls, and mom’s mail was delivered that very afternoon. Face it, you just don’t argue with one of the Friendship 7 about mail.

Fast forward to today, where mom learned her mail is being held because a new ice age is dawning in her cul de sac. I went with her down to the post office, where we waited in line for about 15 minutes. Then, we were advised to wait in a conference where a supervisor would be with us shortly.

“Shortly” is apparently a loose term when it comes to the post office, as it took well over 15 minutes (and three attempts at calling) to get a supervisor to try and resolve her issue. Finally, the supervisor showed up, and I took a photo of him.

Okay, so I lied. I didn’t photograph him. But I wanted to. And he really did look like this. Well, except for his head. That looked like Mikhail Gorbachev’s. The supervisor had the same type of birthmark on his head, except his was shaped in the exact same shape as an eagle, just like the post office’s mascot! Okay, I lied again. It was ovular, but still distracting.

Mom tried to plead her case to Supervisor Sam, but he wasn’t keen on listening. “How can you just stop my mail without giving me an official notice or warning? And you only give me 24 hours to chisel away the ‘chunk’ of ice after delivering my mail after dark?” (The mail is delivered around 5 or 6p.m., at which point it’s dark in the winter here.)

Supervisor Sam replied, “Do we get 24 hours notice when it’s going to snow?”

Now, I was completely silent during mom’s whole conversation. I was too transfixed on Supervisor Sam’s head. I couldn’t tell, but I think it was either a map of Atlantis or that I could see my future in it if I stared at his pinkish mark long enough. But his last statement snapped me out of my daze.

24 hours before we get snow? Was this guy serious? Of course we get 24 hours notice before it snows. It’s called the fucking Weather Channel, Sammy Boy! Hell, some news stations even give folks in these parts ten days notice!

More arguing continued, though to mom’s credit she did not cuss or lose her temper once. I was surprised, as I thought she was going to make a eunuch out of Supervisor Sam before the evening was over.

The situation ended with mom requesting Supervisor Sam’s supervisor’s number because he wouldn’t even give her mail to her after she had shown up for it. So, tomorrow at 8 A.M., Supervisor Sam’s supervisor is going to get a phone call. With everyone’s tempers flaring, I’m surprised the ice hasn’t melted yet.

To Be Continued…

Afishionados,

Afishionados,

As was pointed out to me by Chickie, Bluehost.com appears to have changed their terms of service and no longer allows nudity or profanity. What?!? Can you imagine OFAL without swearing or nakedness?! The insanity! While I have absolutely no qualms with Bluehost’s reliability or service, I simply can’t afford the risk of being shut down just because I want to post photos of boobies.

So, once again, OFAL has moved servers, which is why the site has been unavailable all week. Trying to find an affordable host that doesn’t have a problem with cussing and nudity is harder than you think. The site is up and running again, albeit some hiccups remain which I am actively working on.

We now return you to your abnormally scheduled broadcast.

Afishionados,

Holy shit! Ike has hit Ohio! I’m blogging via the WordPress app on my iPhone, so we’ll see if this works.

I’ve been without electricity for over 24 hours now. Over 100,000 people without power in my area. The power company says it could be over a week before everyone gets electricity again. All this is wind damage, too. Virtually no rain at all, yet it’s the worst weather I have ever seen in Ohio. Here are some photos of trees that were snapped in half. Other than being without power and Internet, I’ve escaped the storm unscathed. Hooray for propane stoves and flashlights!

UPDATE: 200,000 people without power now. Could be even longer than a week to get power back according to the latest news. School has been canceled for the second day in a row. I’ve been charging my phone and DVD Player in the car. Somehow, this hurricane weather is the fault of the Republicans, I just know it. At least Palin’s fundraiser on Wednesday was cancelled.

Also, if you guys stop by, make sure you knock or call ahead before you come in the house. People are getting crazy here without lights and electricity, so I’ve got a loaded 9mm handgun and I will shoot you. Oh, and bring COLD beer. I’m all outta ice.

Afishionados,

I’ve been trying to get my dear ol’ grandmother so sign up for some oil painting classes at the same college I attend. Not because I want her to be in my classes, though. No, fuck that, I hate painting, especially oil painting. Who has that kind of time and patience to wait for the shit to dry? No thanks. But I’m getting off topic. I’ll have to complain about oil painting some other time.

Anyway, the real reason I want my grandmother to do some oil painting classes is because the courses are completely free to her. Senior citizens can take any class they want at the college at no cost. All she would have to pay for is her painting supplies. Another reason is because all my grandmother does all day is sit and watch television and order complete shit from QVC. (She also has the habit of watching political pundits and taking everything they say personally. She also can’t keep political facts straight, so it’s impossible to carry on any kind of political conversation with her.)

Now, my grandmother is really good at coming up with bullshit excuses as to why she doesn’t want to paint or take art classes but they’re all poor excuses. First off, I know she likes to paint because she’s taken classes with her sister and has a bunch of her own paintings hanging up in her condo. She’s no Bob Ross or anything, but she’s not the worst painter I’ve ever seen. But that’s beside the point. Even if she painted completely abhorrent pictures, it would still be a million times better than sitting on her ass and buying stupid junk from QVC like “washballs”. Yes, that’s a real product and yes she ordered it.

The excuses I’ve heard the most are that she doesn’t have time, she doesn’t want to drive down to the campus, she can’t see that well, and she’s concerned about the cost involved. I’ve tackled each and every one of these on multiple occasions.

As for the drive down, I’ve offered to drive her the whopping 15 minutes it takes to get to campus and help her register for classes myself. I’ve also suggested she take classes that meet the same time as my courses so that we can carpool down there. So that bullshit excuse doesn’t fly.

So then she says she doesn’t have time or money and can’t see. That’s because all of it is spent on the couch ordering stuff from the television. My grandmother absolutely refuses to learn how to disable the alarm at the house, but she’s more than capable of reading those small-as-shit product numbers from her TV and speed dialing the QVC folks. How someone can phone in a long fucking product ID but not punch in a simple code to turn off an alarm boggles the mind. She could spot Gary Coleman crouching in the dark a hundred yards away on a foggy night if he was tagged with a QVC product number, I swear it.

My grandmother is getting crankier and crabbier the older she gets, and I hate to see her turn in to such a bitter old lady that never leaves her house. I wish she’d do something, even if she doesn’t want to paint or take classes for free. But I guess there’s just no changing some people.