Afishionados,

Heart-Shaped but Shit Flavored

Because I love each and every one of U, I have decided to show you just how much by buying you your very own pizza. My favorite pizza shop in the whole wide world has a special right now featuring heart-shaped pizzas. You’re gonna love ‘em, I swear¹.

¹I’m lying. They taste like shit.

Afishionados,

Delicious Hunan Chicken

Went out for Chinese with mom tonight. I was enjoying my hunan chicken when I overhear a portion of an elderly couple’s conversation.

…Anus shaver, with her husband. I think they did it together.

I stopped eating immediately and looked at mom.

“What the hell are they talking about?”

“What do you mean?”

“She just said ‘anus shaver’, didn’t she?”

Mom snorts on a pepper from her hunan shrimp.

“Anice Shaffer. She said Anice Shaffer!”

“Oh. Oops.”

Afishionados,

The holidays are approaching and stress levels seem to to increase as that happens. At least in my family. We don’t do a single holiday without a good fight over something really retarded. Anyhow, intrepid Afishionado Simply C. might just have the solution in getting the family to chill the fuck out:

Better than the Man Chowder

Afishionados,

I know most of you out there could use a little more Prune Tang in your life. Well, there’s plenty to go around so snatch some up, whydontcha? Lap it up, already!

Afishionados,

Stopped by a Chipotle restaurant yesterday with Grandma to pick up a tasty steak burrito. On the way home, the dumbest dog in America decided to run out in front of the car. The dog did not have a collar on and it looked a lot like the mangy dog from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. And though I could see the dog out of the corner of my eye and I instinctively knew that it was going to bolt out in front of the vehicle, I wasn’t able to bring the car to a complete stop from the 35 MPH that Grandma and I were traveling at.

Holy Fucking Shit That's a Car!

Well, that isn’t completely true. I definitely came to a complete stop once I actually hit the dog. Car definitely stopped then, I promise you. At this point, I wasn’t sure what was worse: knowing that I had hit the dog or hearing an 85-year-old lady trying to figure out what to do by yelling at me like I had done this on purpose.

Sure, I’ve hit animals before, and enjoyed it on at least one occasion. But I happen to like dogs, and I would never want to drive over one on purpose. I pulled over to the side of the road for a moment and saw that the dog had gotten up, was panting (and rightfully so) and then walked away as though nothing was wrong. So I continued to drive home.

And before you PETA Nazis start to chastise me for not stopping, the dog jumped out in front of the car without my permission, I had no idea whose dog it was or where it had been, and I didn’t want to chance something like getting bitten or dealing with rabies. I mean, I am pretty sure that if someone hit me with a car and then approached me after, I’d fucking bite them, no question.

Now, had the dog remained lying there, then yes, I would have scooped it up and taken it to the emergency pet hospital  about a mile away. But, the dog got up and walked away with a goddam smile on its face. And if it can get up and walk away, it means the dog is fully capable of biting. It was very reminiscent of that scene with Kevin Costner in Dances with Wolves when he makes the suicide run and lives. I think the dog did it on purpose. Perhaps the makers of Shoo!TAG™ can come up with a really powerful device that emits enough hokum energy to repel a moving vehicle.

And I know what the #1 question on your mind is and I am here to allay any concerns that you may have about it. Rest assured that, once I got home, my burrito was still hot.

My Chipotle Burrito

Afishionados,

I know that blogging about cats and gardening is pretty much a “blogging no-no” and a definite mood killer. It’s like posting photos of your kids. Nobody gives a shit, despite what you may think. But, folks, I am gonna have to break the rules for this post, because I am so damned excited!

I planted some cats a while back and dang if they didn’t start sprouting! Yep, almost time to pick ‘em and make a stew. And some cat sammiches. And cat casserole. Or cat bread pudding. Cats aren’t good for much besides eating. Or shooting. And then eating.

Afishionados,

Richard Dawkins appeared in my toast this morning. It’s a sign!

Afishionados,

All this time I’ve been wondering where they originally came from, too…

Afishionados,

I’ve been watching a lot of the Olympics lately, especially the “big sports” like swimming, gymnastics, and the track and field stuff. I watched Shawn Johnson kick ass and win another gold for the United States last night in women’s gymnastics, and I couldn’t help but notice that she looks ever so slightly like Little Debbie.

Which made me think of Little Debbie’s Strawberry Shortcake Rolls. I have always liked them, but I haven’t had them since I was a kid. I’m sure the red dye used in the “jelly” is full of poison or something, but dammit, they just taste so good. And so, this afternoon, I ventured off to the grocery store to acquire said delicious treats.

The last time I bought Little Debbie’s Strawberry Shortcake Rolls, they cost $0.79 for a carton of six. Today that same box costs $1.59. A 200% increase in price? Really, Debbie? It’s going to be like that, is it?

I bought the shortcake rolls anyway because I craved them so badly, but it wasn’t until I got home that I noticed Little Debbie’s photo on the new packaging had changed from the olden days. You might think that Little Debbie wouldn’t have such a scathing look and fiery red eyes, but it’s true. She’s not as innocent as you think. I also didn’t realize she was German.

Afishionados,

Someone sent me a sucker with a scorpion inside!