Afishionados,

Obama’s 2011 budget plans would scrap NASA’s Constellation space program that I am rather fond of. No doubt the plan is to use the money saved for a public healthcare option.

HAHAHAHAHA.

Yea, right. Sorry, what the hell was I thinking.

We’re just going to waste it on other shit like the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. After all, someone’s gotta continue to bless the camel jockeys with the gift of democracy. Clearly the wars are more important than things like public healthcare in this country or space exploration. I bet if the Moon had an earthquake we’d go there. Or weapons of mass destruction. Of course, even if we DID think the Moon had weapons of mass destruction, we wouldn’t be able to find them.

Therefore, because of my disappointment, I have no other choice but to do something like this:

Click to Play the Video

Afishionados,

The Ares I-X Launches! Photo © NASA

Today was a historical day, yet few people seem to realize it. NASA successfully launched the Ares I-X rocket this morning, which is set to replace the aging [read: old as FUCK] space shuttle, due to be retired in 2010. NASA hopes the Ares I, along with the Ares V, will take astronauts back to the moon and beyond sometime around 2015.

I was at Sterling & Cooper when the launch occurred, but thankfully NASA had a QuickTime stream of it that I could watch for free. Miss Holloway and I watched together. She sat on my lap the whole time. When asked what her favorite part about the whole thing was, Miss Holloway said, “I like all the thrust.”

NASA had attempted to launch the Ares I-X yesterday morning, but poor weather conditions forced a scrub. The launch was rescheduled for today at 8:00 A.M. ET, so of course it was launched today around 11:30 A.M. It was amazing, and I wish I could have been there to see it in person instead of a rather crappy QuickTime stream.

The Ares I-X in the Air Photo © NASA

The entire mission lasted only a few minutes, which is more than I can say for some people and their rockets who are more likely to explode before they even get up. To my knowledge, the Ares I-X was a huge success with no failures. Unfortunately, the video stream I watched did not show the parachutes and splashdown, though NASA claims that even the recovery went as expected. Hopefully more details are released as data from the mission is gathered and analyzed.

A View from Above. Photo © NASA. Video © CNN. Click to play.

For those of you who missed the launch, I have shamelessly pilfered the footage from CNN’s web site and reposted it here for your viewing pleasure. CNN’s video is much better quality than was NASA’s live stream. The colors and pixelation aren’t near as bad. NASA can land men on the moon and rovers on Mars, but they can’t stream an HD feed, apparently.

Now that Ares I-X has proven successful, I look forward to future launches and further developments with NASA’s Constellation program. I don’t know if today’s successful mission means Ares gets to lose its “X” designation or not, but hopefully we’re one step closer, if not a giant leap. I also hope that today’s mission persuades the Obama administration to keep funding the program so that it doesn’t suffer the same fate as Apollo. One of these days, Ares, BANG, ZOOM! To the moon!

"Norton, we have a problem."

Afishionados,

On November 7, 1962, the Grumman Corporation won the contract to build the lunar module for the United States’ Apollo space program. Grumman ended up building thirteen lunar modules for NASA, each one of them by hand. The estimated cost for all the lunar modules was $11 million dollars. Grumman went on to bid for the contract for the space shuttle, but ultimately lost to Rockwell International. While the Grumman group has won other government contracts and has built other flying contraptions for the government (the F-14 Tomcat, for example), the company has yet to build any space-related vehicles since the Apollo program.

Something that many folks may not realize, however, is that the Grumman folks are responsible for building for the government a vehicle that is arguably just as recognizable as the lunar module. And that vehicle is the Grumman LLV:

Grumman LLV

The Grumman LLV is what the postal service uses to deliver the mail to homes across the U.S. I know the mailman in my area loves his, because his ass rarely even steps outside of the damn thing. If you live in the U.S. and haven’t seen one of these before, then you’ve obviously never been outside your house. It’s one of the few government vehicles where you don’t need any special training to drive, too. Heck, you don’t even have to have a clearance or be trusted to drive one of these babies.

It’s been 37 years since the United States (or any country, for that matter) has landed humans on the moon. NASA has begun work on a new rocket to replace the [very] outdated space shuttle. As you may have noticed in my sidebar, the first test launch of the new Ares rocket is scheduled for October 27, 2009. The Ares rocket is part of the new Constellation space program, which NASA hopes will take us back to the moon sometime around 2020, as well as to Mars in the distant future.

No doubt questions abound with regard to the new Constellation program. Why are we going back to the moon? Why bother going to Mars? Is space exploration really that important? Each person must judge for themselves, I suppose, though I am of the opinion that space exploration is important. After all, this planet won’t last forever and who knows what me might learn from the experience?

But the number one question on my mind (and I don’t think I am alone here) is, “How long until we land a mailman on the moon?” Or, at the very least, fake it nine times?

Landing a Mailman on the Moon

Afishionados,

Loyal Afishionado Ly has informed me of the latest news in the world of superheroes. The 99 are here and make up the world’s first Muslim superheroes!

Looks like Bibleman will have some work cut out for him, as The 99 will no doubt serve as nemeses. Better dust off that armor, Bibleman.

The 99 is even being brought to British TV thanks to Endemol, which, coincidentally, is the plan of terrorists throughout the world with regard to us infidels. Anyway, the show is aimed to “instill Islamic values in children across all faiths” and is expected to do well. Let’s hope the show doesn’t bomb.

Afishionados,

Another year has gone by, and with it another summer has arrived. And what’s summer without a new iPhone, right? Unless you have been living under a rock, I’m sure you’ve heard that the new iPhone 3G S was released yesterday, June 19. I was not privy to the excitement this year, but I read that lines were much shorter than last year.

Either nobody wants the new iPhone 3G S, or (what I think is more likely) more folks simply pre-ordered and had it shipped to their house. Honestly, free overnight shipping form China or wait in line overnight to maybe get one. Which would you choose? Still, exact sales figures have yet to be released, but I bet Apple sells a shitload of them.

Of course, while it seems that Apple was well-prepared for this year’s mad rush of the iPhone, AT&T is still running the oldest servers in the world and are experiencing difficulties in activating the new iPhones for use on their network. Some recent iPhone buyers, when attempting to activate their new phone, have been greeted with this “Frequently Asked Questions” support page in iTunes:

(Click for full size)

Well, I sure hope that clears things up for you. Feel free to add… um… revisions to the FAQ in the comments below.

Afishionados,

Republicans everywhere are pissed at Obama’s spending and have thrown tea parties all over the country. You know, like we did back in Boston around the same time that John McCain was born. Apparently, Republicans don’t like the government spending that’s going on.

I wonder what made ‘em change their minds?

Well, folks, I’m nothing if not generous. And I’ve got a solution for all my pals and it’s simple: Just print more money. Here, this oughta get you started. Pretty soon, it’ll be worth the same as the U.S. dollar, too!

Afishionados,

I read CNN.com every morning to see what’s going on in the world (you know, to make sure the world still exists and all that). And while I don’t care one way or another about American Idol, this caught my attention whilst perusing CNN’s entertainment section:

**SPOILER ALERT: This entry may reveal the contestant leaving the show. Do not continue reading if you do not want to know the results.**

Well, shit! Good thing they posted that disclaimer, right? Otherwise I might figure out who got voted off last night by, oh, I don’t know… The BIG GODDAMN PHOTO instead?

Afishionados,

It seems that not a day goes by without more “news” on the New York Post’s “scandalous” political cartoon making the headlines again. If you’re an out-of-the-country reader who has no idea what I am talking about, or you’re an American living under a rock, here is the cartoon that is causing all the fuss:

Lotsa folks are pissed about this, claiming the chimp represents Obama and how dare he be portrayed as such, let alone getting shot. I didn’t think of this when I read it, but I guess many people did. *I* thought it just meant that even a monkey could write a stimulus package, and that perhaps the cartoonist got the idea from the recent chimpanzee attack, which happened around the same time the cartoon was printed. And come on, Obama is way taller than a chimpanzee.

It seems that not everyone agrees with me (or the New York Post’s official statement for that matter). No, unfortunately, the world is full of assholes. And one of the biggest ones is leading the charge against the cartoonist (Sean Delonas).

The Fish is pleased to present this exclusive, never-before-seen photo of Al Sharpton changing his underpants after first hearing about the editorial cartoon. A representative close to Al Sharpton claims he was so furious that he literally shit his pants. And then giggled about it afterward. Tee hee hee!

Now the NAACP is calling for the firing of Sean Delonas. It will be a sad day for the “freedom of the press” if the NAACP gets its way. With all the problems in the world, I can’t believe so many people are arguing about a fuckin’ chimp cartoon that isn’t even racist.

Mr. Delonas, if you are reading this, may I suggest next time you put Al Sharpton in your cartoon instead of the chimp?

Afishionados,

The Mac turns 25 today. And what better way to celebrate than to elect a Mac user to the White House?

Woo hoo!

Afishionados,

With a situation this fucked up, we need an experienced fuck up to lead us. Vote Polanski on November 4th.

UPDATE per the request of Mr. Presidenski himself: