Afishionados,

Heart-Shaped but Shit Flavored

Because I love each and every one of U, I have decided to show you just how much by buying you your very own pizza. My favorite pizza shop in the whole wide world has a special right now featuring heart-shaped pizzas. You’re gonna love ‘em, I swear¹.

¹I’m lying. They taste like shit.

Afishionados,

Obama’s 2011 budget plans would scrap NASA’s Constellation space program that I am rather fond of. No doubt the plan is to use the money saved for a public healthcare option.

HAHAHAHAHA.

Yea, right. Sorry, what the hell was I thinking.

We’re just going to waste it on other shit like the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. After all, someone’s gotta continue to bless the camel jockeys with the gift of democracy. Clearly the wars are more important than things like public healthcare in this country or space exploration. I bet if the Moon had an earthquake we’d go there. Or weapons of mass destruction. Of course, even if we DID think the Moon had weapons of mass destruction, we wouldn’t be able to find them.

Therefore, because of my disappointment, I have no other choice but to do something like this:

Click to Play the Video

Afishionados,

Delicious Hunan Chicken

Went out for Chinese with mom tonight. I was enjoying my hunan chicken when I overhear a portion of an elderly couple’s conversation.

…Anus shaver, with her husband. I think they did it together.

I stopped eating immediately and looked at mom.

“What the hell are they talking about?”

“What do you mean?”

“She just said ‘anus shaver’, didn’t she?”

Mom snorts on a pepper from her hunan shrimp.

“Anice Shaffer. She said Anice Shaffer!”

“Oh. Oops.”

Afishionados,

Joey has passed along the most urgent of news. Seriously, folks, this is like front page material and should be on all the 24/7 news channels. Heck, I’d go so far as to say it’s THE single-most important story of the year.

Joey sends via The Huffington Post:

A letter from a US Marine captain criticizing Australian women’s clothing, or lack thereof, has prompted angry rebukes from Aussie men and women.

Can you believe this fucking guy? Captain John Campbell has got a lot of guts and a lot of nerve. Seriously, it takes BALLS to join the Marines if you’re a raging homosexual, which John Campbell may very well be. No straight man in his right mind would EVER tell scantily-clad Australian women to cover up! If you click the HP link and read the article, you’ll notice that John Campbell has no complaints about half-naked (or wholly-naked) Australian dudes, just hot Australian chicks.

Here’s what Captain John Campbell probably looks like:

Captain John Campbell, Possibly Gay

I’m embarrassed, folks. Truly. I think the best (and proper) thing for the United States to do is apologize. I’m willing to go that extra mile for my country and apologize to each and every beautiful Australian woman in the whole friggin’ Land of OZ. Yep, I’m all for getting friendly Down Under. If you’re an attractive Australian female and would like an apology, please leave your contact information in the comments below. You may also (and in fact, are encouraged) to attach a scantily-clad photo of yourself. Or two. Or a hundred.

Well, I’d best be off to Australia to clean up this friggin’ mess of Captain John Campbell. I mean, it’s not like this is the first time a NAVY man has to fix a Marine’s fuck up. And someone has to… um… stand up for Miranda and her rights, don’t they?

Miranda Kerr, Hot Australian

Oh, I’m saluting already!

Afishionados,

Some of us aren’t playing with a full deck. Some of us are. Me? I got a whole lot of elephant cards and I’m ready to play a game with you.

Elephant Cards

First, though, you’re gonna have to DRAW one of my elephant cards. And hurry up, will ya? Like, while we still got some life left.

Draw an Elephant. Card.

Afishionados,

He'll give you hogwarts

Albus Dumbledore is the Headmaster at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry from the Harry Potter books. He’s a wizard, Order of Merlin First Class. He’s also gay.

Gandalf the White doesn't care about Labor Day

This is Gandalf the White from The Lord of the Rings. He’s played by the actor Ian McKellan. Ian is, in fact, not a wizard at all. But he is a homosexual.

Ain't NASCAR just grand?

This is a redneck. He thinks the Grand Wizard is a swell guy. I wonder if he’s aware of the pattern I’ve discovered among wizards…

Afishionados,

Christmas time must be here, because the family has been arriving throughout the day (and night). The half of the family that is already here has been scurrying and cleaning for hours now. Doc has been hard at work, tackling the ongoing battle that is the cat litter box. A neat-freak whose pedantry rivals event the best, Doc not only scrubs the shitbox out, but filters and sifts for the tiniest of cat nuggets in much the same way as one might pan for gold. Like Jane Goodall among the apes, I observe from the sidelines and, as best as I can tell, the ultimate goal is to remove even the most miniscule of trinkets and reuse as much litter as possible.

Panning for Cat Shit

Seeing as how Doc is Chinese, I suppose the cat should be glad it gets such exceptional treatment. After all, it could be much worse.

The other white meat.

Afishionados,

On my way to Cincinnati this morning, I felt as though I had temporarily lost my way for a bit. It was almost as if I couldn’t remember who I was, what I was doing, or how I got there. The NPR program on the radio… Had I heard it before? Strange that so many things felt familiar, and yet brand new at the same time. Fortunately, everything came swirling back to me and I regained cognition after just a few miles on the highway. How odd…

Which Way Did I Go?

Afishionados,

Come one, come all! Come as many times as you can!

Afishionados,

I’ve left Sterling Cooper for another job because Sterling Cooper wasn’t as advertised. I’ve been away from the office for about a week now, but one of my former colleagues sent along an image her latest project:

This would make me want to cut my wrists

According to Peggy, she has to cut 22 triangles out of 800 cards. That’s 17,600 triangles, or 52,800 cuts. This is perhaps the biggest reason I left Sterling Cooper in the first place: All I was ever asked to do was stand and cut shit out. And boy am I glad I left before THIS shit started. I don’t know what happened to the “participate in critiques” and the “work on design projects” spiel that was posted on the Sterling Cooper web site because “bitch work” is all I was ever asked to do.

The new gig is off to a good start, but I already miss Miss Holloway. All the time we spent together coming and going, in and out and in and out and in and out at the office…

*Sniff*.

Goodbye, Miss Holloway, you will be missed.