King of the Pushups

Dang, I posted this one late. Time for me to DOZE OFF!

–Atlas Sleepski

It seems that my ol’ pal Joey Polanski is gonna be away fer a lot longr than any of us originly thought. And wif that in mind, I think its time we had us a friggin meeting about who should be th next Joey Polanski. DANG, Im excitd! Time to opm up th fuckn cannd peachs!

Do not put unauthrizd synonym on th goddam meetin table

I mean, it COUD be a systm kinda like th Pope gots, in which we, th loyl followrs, get a whole new leadr when th original kicks th bucket or sompm. Now, I aint sayin that His Holeness Jope Polanski I is deadski or nuthin, its just a fact that hes retirin soonski and someone oughta, like, fill his shoeskis. Heck, th sombitch has been missin fer well ovr a dangd munth at this point, so I figgr we gots only two choices: Send out a dangd search party or eleckt us a new Joey Polanski. An seein as how I dont wanna get off th dangd sofa and go lookin fer JP myselfski, I figgr its jus easyer to vote for a new one. Plus, as pracktickly evryone knows by nowski, Joey is much happyer goin lookin fer men than to have men come lookin fer him, fruitski that he is. Or sompm to that effeckt.

Now, th Pope is a lot like Joey Polanski when ya stop to think about it. Traditionaly, th Popes been a dangd Polack himselfski, which as we all no is also true of our humble host. Th Catlicks fuckd this up wif Pope Ratzingr – er, Pope Bentdick XVI – tho, cuz that sombitch aint a Polack but a formr Nazi Youf Krautski. So th way I sees it is we gots some leeway wif th ruleskis and our new Joey Polanski dont hafta be a full-fledgd Polack.

Anothr traitski that Joey Polanski is gonna hafta have is be a friggin pedofile. Th Pope gots this in common wif him tooski, cept th Catlicks got th Bible and Joey gots his own bookski:

Joeys Favrit Bookski

One o th biggest qualitys that our new JP hasta have is be a shitty poet. If yer gonna be Joey Polanski, yer gonna hafta write some limricks about dicks or fallin in love wif Atlas Cerise or sompm. That kinda shitski. Joey Polanski is a Nebraska Cornholer thru and thru, so flirtin wif Atlas Cerise is a big part o th shtick, even if all ya gots is a little shtick to be flirtin wif.

Well, fokes, thats pretty much all I gots on th mattr of eleckting us a new Joe. If you think theres sompm Im missin or sompm else that needs to be inckluded, sound off in th friggin comments. And if ya wanna throw yer hat into th ring cuz you think youd make th next best Joey Polanski, feel free to do that tooski. Only cannidates entring in propr Polanskiese will be acceptd.

–- New Joeke

For Joey, may he continue to find failure in all that he does.

My good failure friend Joey Polanski has announced his retirement this evening. Only four more months of The Joey Polanski Show! FUCK!

Oh, well, at least he lasted longer than Conan.

This beer is for U, Joey. I know how much you like to drink elephants from life. BOTTOMS UPski!

Been AWOL for family reasons. Been doing lots of drinking.

You know, instead of hanging out with Anaglyph, Joey, and Yuliya.

Joey Polanski likes Nested Egg Dolls.

Joey shoves these up his buttski

And he likes little girls.

Joey's Favorite Book

So I found him the perfect gift today:

The Perfect Giftski for Joey Polanski

Hamov vodker, ol’ palski!

Joey has passed along the most urgent of news. Seriously, folks, this is like front page material and should be on all the 24/7 news channels. Heck, I’d go so far as to say it’s THE single-most important story of the year.

Joey sends via The Huffington Post:

A letter from a US Marine captain criticizing Australian women’s clothing, or lack thereof, has prompted angry rebukes from Aussie men and women.

Can you believe this fucking guy? Captain John Campbell has got a lot of guts and a lot of nerve. Seriously, it takes BALLS to join the Marines if you’re a raging homosexual, which John Campbell may very well be. No straight man in his right mind would EVER tell scantily-clad Australian women to cover up! If you click the HP link and read the article, you’ll notice that John Campbell has no complaints about half-naked (or wholly-naked) Australian dudes, just hot Australian chicks.

Here’s what Captain John Campbell probably looks like:

Captain John Campbell, Possibly Gay

I’m embarrassed, folks. Truly. I think the best (and proper) thing for the United States to do is apologize. I’m willing to go that extra mile for my country and apologize to each and every beautiful Australian woman in the whole friggin’ Land of OZ. Yep, I’m all for getting friendly Down Under. If you’re an attractive Australian female and would like an apology, please leave your contact information in the comments below. You may also (and in fact, are encouraged) to attach a scantily-clad photo of yourself. Or two. Or a hundred.

Well, I’d best be off to Australia to clean up this friggin’ mess of Captain John Campbell. I mean, it’s not like this is the first time a NAVY man has to fix a Marine’s fuck up. And someone has to… um… stand up for Miranda and her rights, don’t they?

Miranda Kerr, Hot Australian

Oh, I’m saluting already!

Click to Embiggen

What are you waiting for? COME RHYME and BE LONG!

Jozafat and Majewski Polanski on the old shipski

On this day in the early 1900s, Jozafat and his homunculus, Majewski, are the first Polanski immigrants to settle and start a new life in America. Unfortunately, due to anti-Semitic locals and a failure to communicate, Jozafat struggles to find work due to constantly introducing his homunculus by stating, “This here’s Majewski.”