Afishionados,

Obama’s 2011 budget plans would scrap NASA’s Constellation space program that I am rather fond of. No doubt the plan is to use the money saved for a public healthcare option.

HAHAHAHAHA.

Yea, right. Sorry, what the hell was I thinking.

We’re just going to waste it on other shit like the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. After all, someone’s gotta continue to bless the camel jockeys with the gift of democracy. Clearly the wars are more important than things like public healthcare in this country or space exploration. I bet if the Moon had an earthquake we’d go there. Or weapons of mass destruction. Of course, even if we DID think the Moon had weapons of mass destruction, we wouldn’t be able to find them.

Therefore, because of my disappointment, I have no other choice but to do something like this:

Click to Play the Video

Afishionados,

Joey has passed along the most urgent of news. Seriously, folks, this is like front page material and should be on all the 24/7 news channels. Heck, I’d go so far as to say it’s THE single-most important story of the year.

Joey sends via The Huffington Post:

A letter from a US Marine captain criticizing Australian women’s clothing, or lack thereof, has prompted angry rebukes from Aussie men and women.

Can you believe this fucking guy? Captain John Campbell has got a lot of guts and a lot of nerve. Seriously, it takes BALLS to join the Marines if you’re a raging homosexual, which John Campbell may very well be. No straight man in his right mind would EVER tell scantily-clad Australian women to cover up! If you click the HP link and read the article, you’ll notice that John Campbell has no complaints about half-naked (or wholly-naked) Australian dudes, just hot Australian chicks.

Here’s what Captain John Campbell probably looks like:

Captain John Campbell, Possibly Gay

I’m embarrassed, folks. Truly. I think the best (and proper) thing for the United States to do is apologize. I’m willing to go that extra mile for my country and apologize to each and every beautiful Australian woman in the whole friggin’ Land of OZ. Yep, I’m all for getting friendly Down Under. If you’re an attractive Australian female and would like an apology, please leave your contact information in the comments below. You may also (and in fact, are encouraged) to attach a scantily-clad photo of yourself. Or two. Or a hundred.

Well, I’d best be off to Australia to clean up this friggin’ mess of Captain John Campbell. I mean, it’s not like this is the first time a NAVY man has to fix a Marine’s fuck up. And someone has to… um… stand up for Miranda and her rights, don’t they?

Miranda Kerr, Hot Australian

Oh, I’m saluting already!

Afishionados,

I’ve left Sterling Cooper for another job because Sterling Cooper wasn’t as advertised. I’ve been away from the office for about a week now, but one of my former colleagues sent along an image her latest project:

This would make me want to cut my wrists

According to Peggy, she has to cut 22 triangles out of 800 cards. That’s 17,600 triangles, or 52,800 cuts. This is perhaps the biggest reason I left Sterling Cooper in the first place: All I was ever asked to do was stand and cut shit out. And boy am I glad I left before THIS shit started. I don’t know what happened to the “participate in critiques” and the “work on design projects” spiel that was posted on the Sterling Cooper web site because “bitch work” is all I was ever asked to do.

The new gig is off to a good start, but I already miss Miss Holloway. All the time we spent together coming and going, in and out and in and out and in and out at the office…

*Sniff*.

Goodbye, Miss Holloway, you will be missed.

Afishionados,

One of my last design classes is mind-numbingly excruciating because of the folks in it. A niche group of women who can’t design anything that isn’t pink has this quirk where they substitute cutesy, childish phrases for cuss words. I don’t participate in their insipid conversations, but because I [unfortunately] sit behind them, I frequently overhear them. They often discuss the trite and predictable Twilight saga that has replaced Harry Potter in the minds of teenage girls everywhere. At least Harry Potter has interesting characters and a good story. Anyway, a typical exchange usually consists of something like this:

“Oh, my GOD, don’t you think that Edward is, like, TOTALLY cute?

“He’s okay, but I picture him cuter in the book than in the movie.”

“Shut the front door! You did not just say that!”

I take a very pro-swearing stance and I am always baffled when people are offended by it, but not offended when ‘kid phrases’ are used instead. Obvously, the meaning is the same, so why not just fucking say the REAL phrase? I remember as a kid giving my mom the ‘4th finger’ once. And I got my ass handed to me because the intent was the same as giving her the middle finger. To me, substituting these lame phrases for swear words is the same thing.

I’ve read that swearing is a sign on unintelligence, but I wholeheartedly disagree. You sound much more retarded by saying “Shut the front door” or “Cheese and Rice” instead of the real deal. How can people like that be taken seriously?

What do you fuckers think?

Afishionados,

It seems that not a day goes by without more “news” on the New York Post’s “scandalous” political cartoon making the headlines again. If you’re an out-of-the-country reader who has no idea what I am talking about, or you’re an American living under a rock, here is the cartoon that is causing all the fuss:

Lotsa folks are pissed about this, claiming the chimp represents Obama and how dare he be portrayed as such, let alone getting shot. I didn’t think of this when I read it, but I guess many people did. *I* thought it just meant that even a monkey could write a stimulus package, and that perhaps the cartoonist got the idea from the recent chimpanzee attack, which happened around the same time the cartoon was printed. And come on, Obama is way taller than a chimpanzee.

It seems that not everyone agrees with me (or the New York Post’s official statement for that matter). No, unfortunately, the world is full of assholes. And one of the biggest ones is leading the charge against the cartoonist (Sean Delonas).

The Fish is pleased to present this exclusive, never-before-seen photo of Al Sharpton changing his underpants after first hearing about the editorial cartoon. A representative close to Al Sharpton claims he was so furious that he literally shit his pants. And then giggled about it afterward. Tee hee hee!

Now the NAACP is calling for the firing of Sean Delonas. It will be a sad day for the “freedom of the press” if the NAACP gets its way. With all the problems in the world, I can’t believe so many people are arguing about a fuckin’ chimp cartoon that isn’t even racist.

Mr. Delonas, if you are reading this, may I suggest next time you put Al Sharpton in your cartoon instead of the chimp?

Afishionados,

It’s never surprising when a religious whack job (get it? ha!) goes out of their way to take a stand against something that doesn’t deserve taking a stand against, but I think this is beyond ridiculous. The only thing more ridiculous than this shirt is the fact that these people are actually proud to wear it.

Seriously. There is just no way I would ever print a big “EX” on one of my favorite shirts.

Afishionados,

Went out to dinner with mom tonight and it turns out she didn’t get her mail this evening. And yesterday the postman wrote her a note on a piece of her mail stating “Please clear approach to your mailbox. Thanks!!”

For those of you not in the know, the midwest got its ass handed to it last week with the biggest snowstorm of the season. My particular region of Ohio got 4 inches one day, followed by another 14 the very next. Needless to say, much of it is still around, though the roads and streets are all clear.

That is, except mom’s I guess. She lives in a cul de sac in a township that doesn’t seem to want to thoroughly plow the street around the mailbox. So now, a week later, that snow has turned to a very small pile of ice.

As you can see, the sidewalk is completely clear, and you can see part of the actual street in the photo as well. It’s a very small patch of ice, not a friggin’ glacier by any means. In fact, the ice doesn’t even go much past the bottom of the photo. It’s not like the whole street is frozen or anything. Unfortunately, the post office has decided to stop delivering mom’s mail because of it.

The truth of the matter is that the postman simply doesn’t want to get out of his little wagon. It’s too difficult for the driver to get out of his “truck” and walk 3 steps to the mailbox. As you can see from the photo, someone has walked up to the mailbox a few times because there are footprints in the snow. So why can’t the driver do the same?

Mom is no stranger to dealing with the United States Post Office. Years ago, in a different city, the post office decided to stop mom’s mail once before. The mailbox was attached to the side of the house, not on a post at the edge of the driveway. The postman had no problems or issues with getting out of his truck and walking to the house to deliver the mail (again, a rather small driveway, not a trek to Mordor). But his boss didn’t like the idea, and so the mail was stopped. Mom tried to work with the postal officials, but they refused to budge on their decision. So, mom went above all their heads and called John Glenn (who was senator at the time) and explained the situation to him. The man made a few calls, and mom’s mail was delivered that very afternoon. Face it, you just don’t argue with one of the Friendship 7 about mail.

Fast forward to today, where mom learned her mail is being held because a new ice age is dawning in her cul de sac. I went with her down to the post office, where we waited in line for about 15 minutes. Then, we were advised to wait in a conference where a supervisor would be with us shortly.

“Shortly” is apparently a loose term when it comes to the post office, as it took well over 15 minutes (and three attempts at calling) to get a supervisor to try and resolve her issue. Finally, the supervisor showed up, and I took a photo of him.

Okay, so I lied. I didn’t photograph him. But I wanted to. And he really did look like this. Well, except for his head. That looked like Mikhail Gorbachev’s. The supervisor had the same type of birthmark on his head, except his was shaped in the exact same shape as an eagle, just like the post office’s mascot! Okay, I lied again. It was ovular, but still distracting.

Mom tried to plead her case to Supervisor Sam, but he wasn’t keen on listening. “How can you just stop my mail without giving me an official notice or warning? And you only give me 24 hours to chisel away the ‘chunk’ of ice after delivering my mail after dark?” (The mail is delivered around 5 or 6p.m., at which point it’s dark in the winter here.)

Supervisor Sam replied, “Do we get 24 hours notice when it’s going to snow?”

Now, I was completely silent during mom’s whole conversation. I was too transfixed on Supervisor Sam’s head. I couldn’t tell, but I think it was either a map of Atlantis or that I could see my future in it if I stared at his pinkish mark long enough. But his last statement snapped me out of my daze.

24 hours before we get snow? Was this guy serious? Of course we get 24 hours notice before it snows. It’s called the fucking Weather Channel, Sammy Boy! Hell, some news stations even give folks in these parts ten days notice!

More arguing continued, though to mom’s credit she did not cuss or lose her temper once. I was surprised, as I thought she was going to make a eunuch out of Supervisor Sam before the evening was over.

The situation ended with mom requesting Supervisor Sam’s supervisor’s number because he wouldn’t even give her mail to her after she had shown up for it. So, tomorrow at 8 A.M., Supervisor Sam’s supervisor is going to get a phone call. With everyone’s tempers flaring, I’m surprised the ice hasn’t melted yet.

To Be Continued…

Afishionados,

It’s been making the news for a couple of days now (and why it continues to be featured is beyond me) but it seems a New Zealander bought himself a used MP3 player and discovered that it contained secret military files and personal information of some soldiers.

First, this is exactly why the moon landing occurred for real and why 911 was not some secret ploy by the government (i.e., the government did not hire some camel jockeys to crash into the WTC). Folks, the government just isn’t intelligent enough to pull off that kind of a lie. And anyone who has ever been in the military (or worked for the government in some other fashion) knows how much paperwork is involved for even the simplest of tasks, let alone a ‘conspiracy’ such as the moon landing.

Although I can’t fix what has already happened (sadly, the enemy now knows what color drapes Obama has chosen for his super secret fallout bunker), I do have a solution for the government so that something like this never happens again.

If you’re going to hide your super secret files on an MP3 player, hide them on a Microsoft Zune. Nobody wants a Zune.

Afishionados,

I’ve been known to attend a Missy Higgins concert from time to time. What can I say? It’s an addiction. This time, I’m off to the House of Blues in Cleveland in March for the concert that will put me in double digits.

Fortunately for me (though perhaps not so fortunate for her), Missy is not so popular in the United States that you have to pay out the ass for tickets. The benefit of this is twofold, in that I can actually afford to go see her shows and usually at least say hello afterwards.

No thanks to Ticketmaster, that is. Ticket prices this time around are $19.50. But Ticketmaster charges a convenience charge of $7.05 per ticket. On top of that, there is a $2.90 processing fee. Thanks for essentially charging me for a third ticket, you greedy fucks.

I did some very thorough research¹ on Ticketmaster as a company, but I couldn’t come up with much. Their headquarters is a cave, in an unknown region of the Middle East. I’ve confirmed² that Ticketmaster gives at least 50% of its income to funding illegal terrorist factions. Here is a photo of Ticketmaster’s founder and C.E.O. at a shareholders meeting:

No wonder they’re such assholes.

¹All my research was done in Photoshop
²I made this up, too.

Afishionados,

Breaking news! Old Fish and Lemonade is pleased to present this exclusive photo of John McCain’s new car for his motorcade should he be elected president. (Click the photo for a bigger view.)