Afishionados,

Traitor

Job hunting?

Afishiondaos,

The Other OTHER Lil' Bastard

The homunculus, atop his chair

Stared out of his win-dow

He pulled the curtain back and said,

“HEY! Where the fuck is Joe?”

Afishionados,

Fuck Ye

I got injured on the job! Jammed my finger in the damned printer after a paper feed problem and earned myself a gen-u-ine blood blister, right on the tip of my most-oftenly-used digit. Who knew it would be so dangerous working for Stirling & Cooper? Good thing it was my right hand, too. If it had been my left hand, I wouldn’t be able to type and…ummm… surf the Internet at the same time. And Coco, wherever you are out there, fuck you, too.

Mad Man

Afishionados,

My first day at Stirling and Cooper went very well. I spent all day cutting stuff out with an X-Acto knife. Only managed to cut myself once, and no blood ever touched the product. Imagine the irony if I had been cutting fliers for Tampax or something. Blood would’ve been absorbed instantly.

Oh, shit. I better skedaddle. Miss Holloway’s been watching me write my blog instead of doing actual WORK. Or maybe it’s just time for a drink, a smoke, and a fuck.

Miss Holloway is smokin'. And she likes to drink. And I'd fuck her.

Photo by the Reverend Anaglyph

Afishionados,

Tomorrow is my first day as an intern of a design firm. I’m nervous and excited at the same time. In this wonderful U.S. economy, finding a job has not been easy. Thankfully, I’ve found a paying (though I use the term loosely) internship that should last a few months or so. Hopefully I don’t get fired or else I’ll be drawing elephants from life again.

Which, I think, is better than weighing how much shit an elephant produces in a 24 hour period. 540 pounds of elephant shit is a lot of shit. No wonder the G.O.P. is the way that it is.

And thanks to the Reverend for the photo. Apparently WordPress does not allow hyperlinks within image captions. So here’s your shameless plug, asshole.

Only pirates and homosexuals (and homosexual pirates) can pull off outfits like this.

Arrrrrrrfishionados,

Happy International Talk Like a Pirate Day. This might just be the best ITLAPD ever, because the folks over at Telltale Games are giving away the first episode of the brand new Tales of Monkey Island game for free! But hurry, shipmates, because the deal only lasts for 24 hours. It’s chock full of pirates, sword fighting, grog, and monkeys! FREE MONKEYS! You can’t pass that up!

Another good thing about ITLAPD is that it gives me a chance to show off my new crescent wench:

Crescent Wench

Prayer #2

The mantis stood still as I spied.

And he clung to the fence on his side.

He seemed quite content

With his focused intent

Of watching as that bird shit dried.

Afishionados,

Mom’s taking some women’s art class and apparently needs to do a report on a female artist of some sort. My immediate suggestion for her was Carolee Schneemann. Sadly, the professor (like so many professors in this day and age) has a pre-determined list of artists that the students are to choose from. And the list contains artists that people are already familiar with (O’Keefe, anyone?). Why not stir things up a bit and let the student research an artist of their choosing? Why must there always be a list? And speaking of lists, it looks as though Ms. Schneemann has found hers:

Excuse me, but your rollers are showing

For those not in the know, Carolee Schneemann’s [arguably] best-known work was her Interior Scroll performance piece (photo above). Interior Scroll was performed in East Hampton, New York and at the Telluride Film Festival in Colorado. For the exhibition, Schneemann “ritualistically stood naked on a table, painted her body with mud until she slowly exracted a paper scroll from her vagina while reading from it.” From her web site:

“I thought of the vagina in many ways– physically, conceptually: as a sculptural form, an architectural referent, the sources of sacred knowledge, ecstasy, birth passage, transformation. I saw the vagina as a translucent chamber of which the serpent was an outward model: enlivened by it’s passage from the visible to the invisible, a spiraled coil ringed with the shape of desire and generative mysteries, attributes of both female and male sexual power. This source of interior knowledge would be symbolized as the primary index unifying spirit and flesh in Goddess worship.”

She’ll end up at the Gimcrack Hospital as a patient someday, mark my words.

Afishionados,

Click to Embiggen'

Part of my trip to Mayberry was spent visiting Grandpa. He’s in his late 80s now and is unfortunately slipping, both mentally and physically. He didn’t recognize me at first, and asked me how I knew my dad. He tends to repeat himself a lot and forgets things quickly. On good days, his sense of humor shines through, be it a witty remark or “dirty old man” comment. I think he flirts with the visiting nurse that helps him out from time to time (Grandpa still lives at his own place).

Click to Embiggen'

Grandpa’s shop was once the busiest room in his house. He’d spend hours upon hours in there making all sorts of things. It’s been quite a few years since anyone has really used it to its full potential (as one can plainly see by the layers of sawdust). Whenever I smell pipe tobacco (especially that containing latakia), I think of Grandpa working in his old wood shop.

A few years back, Grandpa had some surgery on his nose and needed a skin graft. He told the doctors to “take it off his penis because he doesn’t use it anymore.” Sadly, the same is now true for the ol’ shop.

Afishionados,

I grew up in a small town
But I’ve since moved away
I’m headed up this weekend
To watch the Indians play.

Some have said my hometown’s quaint
And some might find it charming
I find it fucking boring as
There’s nothing much but farming.

While driving through the country roads
I passed a bunch of locals
In NASCAR shirts with Mullet cuts
They’re hillbillies and yokels.

I’m only up this weekend
For the game and family
On Sunday I am heading home
And that’s just fine by me.