Dog Day Afternoon
Afishionados,
Stopped by a Chipotle restaurant yesterday with Grandma to pick up a tasty steak burrito. On the way home, the dumbest dog in America decided to run out in front of the car. The dog did not have a collar on and it looked a lot like the mangy dog from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. And though I could see the dog out of the corner of my eye and I instinctively knew that it was going to bolt out in front of the vehicle, I wasn’t able to bring the car to a complete stop from the 35 MPH that Grandma and I were traveling at.
Holy Fucking Shit That's a Car!
Well, that isn’t completely true. I definitely came to a complete stop once I actually hit the dog. Car definitely stopped then, I promise you. At this point, I wasn’t sure what was worse: knowing that I had hit the dog or hearing an 85-year-old lady trying to figure out what to do by yelling at me like I had done this on purpose.
Sure, I’ve hit animals before, and enjoyed it on at least one occasion. But I happen to like dogs, and I would never want to drive over one on purpose. I pulled over to the side of the road for a moment and saw that the dog had gotten up, was panting (and rightfully so) and then walked away as though nothing was wrong. So I continued to drive home.
And before you PETA Nazis start to chastise me for not stopping, the dog jumped out in front of the car without my permission, I had no idea whose dog it was or where it had been, and I didn’t want to chance something like getting bitten or dealing with rabies. I mean, I am pretty sure that if someone hit me with a car and then approached me after, I’d fucking bite them, no question.
Now, had the dog remained lying there, then yes, I would have scooped it up and taken it to the emergency pet hospital about a mile away. But, the dog got up and walked away with a goddam smile on its face. And if it can get up and walk away, it means the dog is fully capable of biting. It was very reminiscent of that scene with Kevin Costner in Dances with Wolves when he makes the suicide run and lives. I think the dog did it on purpose. Perhaps the makers of Shoo!TAG™ can come up with a really powerful device that emits enough hokum energy to repel a moving vehicle.
And I know what the #1 question on your mind is and I am here to allay any concerns that you may have about it. Rest assured that, once I got home, my burrito was still hot.
My Chipotle Burrito
Coulda been worse. Coulda been a cow.
anaglyph: I would have totally stopped for a cow. Not sure how fast they can run, though.
Glad your package was still hot. At least you had your priorities right.
nursemyra: Heck, are you kidding? I wouldn’t even THINK of coming near you without a hot package.
If youd a-been leavin a Chink restarant, you couda took th dog back, had it cookd & dressd, and then took it home in … (*wait fer it*) … a doggy-bag.
Your grandma’s fault, deffo. Without her the car would have had less kinetic energy at 35 mph and you’d've braked short of the dog. Even a skinny grandma makes all the difference.
Joey: I don’t think the Chinese dress them. I think they only eat them.
inkspot: Grandma is not a large woman, actually. An interesting theory, but my calculations of E=M3/4 have shown me that it wasn’t her fault after all.
E = M3/4! Now thats cool sience!
None o that square shit …
Beware. I hear Fido (the “victim”) has retained a low down dog of a loiyer.
The loiyer is a real ambulance chaser. So, if you see 101 Dalmations hounding after you they may be serving poopers, err papers.
Nice try Atlas, but I’ve got background here. My friend (in some sense of that word) Carlos, from coastal poker, is in trouble for some species of assault, and it’s my job to prove that the other guy’s crushed face comes from piling into a wall at 13 mph rather than Carlos’ fist. Easy peasy for someone of my caliber.
Grandma is still in a pile of poo.
Damn dog just wanted your burrito. I was once hit by a car and did the same friggin thing, pretended it didn’t hurt a bit! Only a flesh wound!
Joey: Might be cool science now, but ol’ Gilbert was hot in his day.
Inq. Mind: S’ok. I have a full tank of gas. I can hit em all if I have to.
inkspot: Grandma’s fetish has nothing to do with the story.
Friggin Loon: What, did you get hit by a black knight or something?
I wish Atlas, I wish
. Hey, you can stop whinging, I have whacked you on my Loon regulars…happy now 