Afishionados,

…And the the rocket’s red glare!

Afishionados,

Afishionados,

Republicans everywhere are pissed at Obama’s spending and have thrown tea parties all over the country. You know, like we did back in Boston around the same time that John McCain was born. Apparently, Republicans don’t like the government spending that’s going on.

I wonder what made ‘em change their minds?

Well, folks, I’m nothing if not generous. And I’ve got a solution for all my pals and it’s simple: Just print more money. Here, this oughta get you started. Pretty soon, it’ll be worth the same as the U.S. dollar, too!

Afishionados,

Work has been proceeding in order to bring perfection to the crudely conceived idea of a machine that would not only supply inverse reactive current for use in unilateral phase detractors, but would also be capable of automatically synchronizing cardinal grammeters. Such a machine is the ‘Turbo-Encabulator’.

The original machine had a base-plate of prefabulated amulite, surmounted by a malleable logarithmic casing in such a way that the two spurving bearings were in a direct line with the pentametric fan. … The main winding was of the normal lotus-o-delta type placed in panendermic semi-boloid slots in the stator, every seventh conductor being connected by a nonreversible trem’e pipe to the differential girdlespring on the ‘up’ end of the grammeters.

Forty-one manestically spaced grouting brushes were arranged to feed into the rotor slipstream a mixture of high S-value phenylhydrobenzamine and 5% reminative tetryliodohexamine. Both of these liquids have specific pericosities given by P = 2.5C.n^6-7 where n is the diathetical evolute of retrograde temperature phase disposition and C is Cholmondeley’s annular grillage coefficient. Initially, n was measured with the aid of a metapolar refractive pilfrometer … but up to the present date nothing has been found to equal the transcendental hopper dadoscope. … Undoubtedly, the turbo-encabulator has now reached a very high level of technical development. It has been successfully used for operating nofer trunnions. In addition, whenever a barescent skor motion is required, it may be employed in conjunction with a drawn reciprocating dingle arm to reduce sinusoidal depleneration.

The government still uses these things today (with some minor upgrades). Unbelievable. A wireless module has since been designed by Intel and manufactured by Qualcomm so that the turbo-encabulator can be used without the need for running cables to each remote decabulator workstation. The Lincoln’s turbo-encabulator had just gone wireless about a year and a half before I arrived onboard. Considering that the Lincoln has over 50 decabulators spread throughout the ship, it certainly made my job much easier in terms of maintenance and repair (For the record, just because you are a Chief or an officer does not mean you know how the hell to properly use your decabulator to receive the encoded transpondence signals from everyone else on the ship, let alone from the Q36-A compatible satellites). Ah, the memories…

Afishionados,

I read CNN.com every morning to see what’s going on in the world (you know, to make sure the world still exists and all that). And while I don’t care one way or another about American Idol, this caught my attention whilst perusing CNN’s entertainment section:

**SPOILER ALERT: This entry may reveal the contestant leaving the show. Do not continue reading if you do not want to know the results.**

Well, shit! Good thing they posted that disclaimer, right? Otherwise I might figure out who got voted off last night by, oh, I don’t know… The BIG GODDAMN PHOTO instead?

Afishionados,

I was watching a TV this week and a commercial made mention of hypnotizing a lizard. I wasn’t paying attention and that is all I heard, but suffice to say it was strange enough to pique my curiosity. And so I Searched™ for it and found this web site.

According to eHow, it’s is possible to hypnotize a lizard. Here is how you can do it:

Step 1:

Retrieve your lizard from his enclosure, according to your preferred method, avoiding the tail. Very small lizards like anoles need to be picked up under their shoulders. Some lizards, like bearded dragons, will automatically cling to your hand.

Well, my lizard doesn’t have a tail, but if yours does, then you’re covered. Or if you’re Polanski and your lizard is very small, then be glad the instructions cover that, too. Continuing on…

Step 2:

Wait a little while for the worst of the wriggling to subside. The time it takes is different for each lizard.

Ain’t it the truth, though?

Step 3:

Gently turn the lizard over so its belly is showing. If the lizard won’t cooperate, don’t push the issue.

If your lizard’s belly is showing, then he’s prolly really excited. Which is good, isn’t it?

Step 4:

Lightly stroke the lizard’s belly. Keep doing so until the lizard seems to be in a hypnotic trance.

Ooooooooooo, boy! Isn’t this just about the BEST part of hypnotizing your lizard? DANG!

Step 5:

Gently replace the lizard in its cage or enclosure. Check twice to see if the lid or door is firmly closed.

Sometimes, hypnotizing your lizard just doesn’t last as long as you’d like it to.

Step 6:

Clean your hands throughly with soap and hot water. Take care of any scratches.

If you scratched your lizard, then you stroked the belly too hard. And if your lizard scratched you, well, maybe it’s best to trim the beard around that dragon.

Personally, I don’t need a six step method for hypnotizing my lizard:

Yea, entrance is just the word I’m thinking of…