I’m Gonna Write My Own
Afishionados,
Notice ol’ Bartlett doesn’t say for just any occasion.
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Tags: Poetry, Rasputin
From page 27:
Ockasion 104:
My Dearest, I say unto thee,
And put th point poetickly:
Remembr that night,
When yer condom seemd tight?
Well, it broke; so keep Fathrs Day free.
Occasion 19:
Dear Fred, well you’re dead and that sucks
And though most of your life was in flux
You’re now resting in peace
You’ve escaped the police
But you still owe me that fifty bucks.
Occasion 66:
Hey John Wayne, it’s just me, your ex-wife
I’m sorry for causing such strife
When I chopped off your penis
And wrecked things between us
Cutting more than just ties with my knife
Ockasion 2:
Dear Daddy, Im callin to say,
I jus caugt th bridal bouquet!
Youll love my new mate,
Cuz now, since ‘08,
He coud be th presdent one day!
Ockasion 98:
Hey, Grandad, its me, yer grandson.
I jus got some information:
Such symptoms as these,
Mean Alzheimers Disease.
Hey … Grandad! Its ME! Yer GRANDSON!
Occasion 13:
Hey ma, check out all of my splendor!
And look! My waist is so slender!
With my manhood at rest
And my new supple breasts
I hope that you’re proud I’m transgender!
Occasion 365:
O, sweetheart, your love I embrace
And last night when I came on your face
Was such an orgasm
That my leg had a spasm
So I’m sorry for breaking your vase
Ockasion 72:
Th odor you smell coud be smog.
Plus, I live downwind from a bog.
What rat-a-tat-tat?
DONT LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT!
Awright, then! Hey, Rover! BAAAAAAD DOG!
Occasion 53:
On the night that we all played strip twister
And I ended up humping your sister
You should have warned me
About her S.T.D.
Because now my weener has blisters
Ockasion 18:
Please, docktr, prescribe me some powdrs.
I need some pain-signal re-routers.
I jus pulld too fast,
Th stick from my ass,
And turnd my dangd innards to outtards.
Occasion 33:
I’m sorry I feel such a fool
But I just took a leak in your pool
And I tried best to clinch it
But couldn’t quite pinch it
So watch out if you swim past some stool
Ockasion 38:
Im callin fer Joey, dear friends.
Th meal you prepard he commends.
Why, jus now hes gone,
Straight into th john,
Th praise comin outta bofe ends.
That one got a guffaw out of me, Polanski.
Occasion 212:
Darling, I hear that you’re ill
And the doc has prescribed you a pill
Well I have to agree -
Here, have some more tea
Just remember I cared, in your Will.
Occasion 128:
While driving I heard a loud “splat!”
So I looked and my tire was flat
I confess to you, sir
That the culprit had fur
So it seems I drove over your cat.
Yeah. Its calld many things …
… but “praise”?
Ockasion 1975:
Im sorry that Juan missd anothr
Exam, but he gots a sick brothr.
And tday heell be late,
Cuz he did operate
On his injurd dad. Signd, Epstein’s Mother.
I believe the use of the word ‘praise’ was meant in a sarcastic sense…
Hahahaha.
Occasion 233:
I’m sure that it’s you I will marry
Since inside you my baby you carry
But don’t drop the bomb
And go tell your mom
Because I think that that bitch is scary
Occasion 139
Dear Mother, you’re sweating again
Been shrieking since I don’t know when.
As your life does unfold
It’s not that you’re old,
It is just a pause in your men.
Occasion 92
Today is your birthday, good grief!
That a year has gone by strains belief,
It seems quite uncanny -
You’re the age of my granny
But you still have a twelve-year-old’s teef.
That was dedicated to Joey Polanski.
(*beamin*)
Ockasion 9:
Im wonderin: Why such a tizzy?
Yer outrage is makin me dizzy,
When all that I done,
Was say, “Youre #1″;
But my 1st, 3rd, & 4th fingrs’re busy.
Occasion 1138:
Your mom and I made a decision
And hired a doc with precision
But a slip near the dick
Turned you into a chick
On the day you had your circumcision
Ockasion 1138 (Koshr Altrnative):
Th Lord gave you to us, my sweet –
A masculine child quite complete –
But a botch at yer bris,
Left you takin a piss,
Sittin down rathr than on yer feet.
Ockasion 30:
Yer consistencys greatly admired;
And — my goodness! — but dont you look tired?
For you spent all day long,
Doin evrything wrong.
Take a break. Get some rest. And youre fired.
Ockasion 82:
When drawin a elephant from life,
Wif problems th projeckt is rife.
You cant, I affirm,
Find a dangd pachyderm;
So instead jus try sketchin yer wife.
Ockasion 11:
These veggies are like Astroturf.
And th cheese couda passd fer some scurf.
A pizza, to me,
Shoudnt be so deadly.
Who made this dangd shit — Papa Murph?
Occasion 36DD:
My breasts used to be nice and round
As I’ve aged I’ve discovered and found
That my once perky tits
Have just called it quits
Now I’m old, and they drag on the ground.
Ockasion 100:
You figgerd Im hot, I suppose;
And so you brougt ovr yer hose.
But please comprehend,
That I got a boyfriend.
So go home … and PUT ON SOME CLOTHES!
Occasion 101:
It may not be my place to suggest
But I think your idea ain’t the best
Could you please choose another
Instead of your brother
And give up on your urge for incest?
Occasion 613:
I know it has been quite a while
Since I plowed into you doggy style
But give me a chance
And take off your pants
And I’ll put on your face a big smile.
Ockasion 75:
Sure! NOW you exhibit alarm!
But bfore you askd, “Where is th harm?”
See th sign ovr there?
It says: “DONT FEED THE BEAR!” –
No cookies … no crackrs … no ARM!
Nothing about cuddles in there?
Occasion 4815162342:
I flew aboard Flight 815
And it crashed, but at least I’m alive
This island seems nice
Like I’m in paradise
I’ll relax until rescue arrives
Put cookies & cuddles togethr and all our poemskis might disappear.
Occasion 29:
Dear friends, what we fevently want
On this day, is to raise this enfant
To be baptized, to whit,
That God’s will be done… Shit!
I just dropped the damn kid in the font!
I looked down not belivin’ it was
all hurtin’ and covered in gauze
it was Christmas I said
no need to behead
I’m so sorry I fucked Mrs Claus!
You forgot your occasion number! Tsk. Let’s just go with Occasion 1225, shall we?
Occasion 6:
I’ve no reason to live, my life’s done
I’m depressed, so I bought me this gun
I don’t give a damn
I’m pulling the – BLAM!
HAHAHAHAHAA!
Yep!
Ockasion 111:
M’dame, sit wif me, I do bid.
By th dress you wear little is hid.
And I know I shoud stand,
Wif a lady at hand;
And I woud, except part o me did.
Occasion 67:
Have you noticed that Grandma is chipper
Since she landed that job as a stripper?
She’s on quite a roll
With her legs and that pole
I wonder how much we should tip her?
Occasion 1948:
Jobu once get into brawl
When umpire make a bad call
He call Jobu out
On pitch Jobu doubt
Was a strike (Jobu hate the curveball)
Ockasion 35:
Th fokes in th Personnel Room,
Have found you a post to assume.
Theyre duly impressd,
Wif yer aptitude test,
And put you in charge o th broom.
Ockasion 203:
A fiddle de fiddle de FITE!
A biddle de biddle de BITE!
A woo woo la WEE!
A poo poo la PEE!
Goo goo g’joob straightjacket TITE!
Occasion 14:
There’s no need to yell and be bitter.
Just because I pinched out a fritter
Don’t make a big deal
I ate a big meal
And I promise that I’ll plunge your shitter
Ockasion 68:
Yer wife jus had twins? Oh, how swell!
But you mus be stressd all to hell –
What, wit th need,
Of now havin to feed,
This new pair o monkeys as well!
Ockasion 2001:
Im smartr than you have supposd,
And wont do what you have proposd.
Regrettabl-ly,
Until it suits ME,
Them pod-bay doors, Dave, will stay CLOSD.
Occasion 3:
Is that burning smell coming from me?
Why’s there smoke coming up through my knees?
I’m up on this table
But don’t think I’m able
To finish this vasectomy
Occasion 519:
I’m sitting here quietly eating
This salsa that’s quickly depleting
I’ve eaten a lot
Even though it’s so hot
Which is why my rectum is bleeding
Ockasion 40:
Let Joey now read th Haggadah.
Its sompm he knows not a lotta.
Not bein a Jew,
He cant read Hebrew,
So weell soon be releasing errata.
Occasion 63:
Infidels! Islam is best!
So I strapped this bomb to my chest.
You’ll all meet your doom
Once I light this fu – BOOM!
Occasion 7:
I’m having a helluva day
And nothing is going my way
I’m now at a loss
Since I’m up on this cross
Go fuck yourself, Judas, okay?
Hoooooooo-weeeeeeee!!!!
Ockasion 125:
Th dentist, to deadn th pain,
Has injecktd some novocaine,
Caus he pwaa to dwoo,
Da tee he woo foo,
Uh wuh wuh uh huh muh cuh pwuh.
Occasion 463
I guess that I don’t understand
Why my character’s role just got canned.
I thought I did fine
But they made me resign
From the show, now I’m in Mandyland.
Ockasion 120:
Youre dead now, and you know th score:
To be judgd is what youre here for.
So stand ovr there,
Just inside th square –
Th one that is labeld “TRAP DOOR.”
Ockasion 121:
We rejecktd yer manuscript based,
On its bein in rathr poor taste.
Now do take it on,
To th office markd “John,”
So th papr might not go to waste.
Ockasion 122:
Please know just how sorry I am,
To have to detain you, M’dame;
But I cant let you,
Walk outta this zoo,
Wif one of its chimps in yer pram.
Hey, SMART GUY … I dont want you makin no more coments about th pizza place!
Occasion 77:
I managed to keep my aplomb
When I had a bad night at the prom.
I tried to get laid
But my date wasn’t swayed
Next year I won’t take my mom.
Ockasion 32:
As graduation draws near,
Lets all raise a glass in good cheer.
To all you but one,
We say, “Job well-done!”
And to Joey, “Weell see YOU next year!”
Occasion: 210
To my dear brother in law
I wish a gift that you’ll awe
But all birds I can’t kill
So here’s your one thrill
A pic of Missy in the raw
Ockasion 103:
Yer first operation is done,
But youll need a follow-up one;
Cuz since you been sewn,
Yer X-rays have shown,
A Rolex watch . Son of a gun!
Occasion 12 [years old]
She’s how old?!? I wasn’t aware!
And now I’ve been caught and am scared.
Cuz some guy from TV
Has just said to me
“Why don’t you have a seat over there?”
Occasion 2347:
I’m finding it hard to relax
My threshold for pain’s reached its max
I used to have hair
But now nothing is there
On my balls, since I just had them waxed.
Ockasion 78:
We came to this intrview hopin,
That you will not mind thorough scopin.
And now, happily,
We all here can see,
That you wont. Sir, yer barn door is opn.
Occasion 742:
On the edge of the pew I was perched
When my stomach growled loudly and lurched.
And then bellowed aloud
As the heads of the crowd
Scowled at me for farting in church.
Occasion 237:
In the city the hookers ain’t cheap.
I found all their prices too steep.
For about the same price
I bought a farm, nice
And instead bought a whole herd of sheep.
Ockasion 60:
I know, my dear, that you cant bake.
But, fer sure, this is yer WORST mistake!
You tell me yer shovin,
A bun in yer oven,
And out comes a dangd choclate cake!
Occasion 132
I climbed up and hid in the trees
To watch a young lady’s striptease
Until I got caught
When her mom found my spot
And had my binoculars seized.
Ockasion 73:
Since youre past yer sexual prime,
Ill give you advice — and in rhyme:
To liven yer phallus,
Just go to see Alice.
That bitch gets it up evrytime!
Ockasion 102
Id like to dispute common lore,
Tho I cant say what th fuck for:
Th fackt that Im dead,
Aint due to th red,
In my shirt; but th captains piss-poor.
Occasion 50:
The last 50 years went by fast.
And Mom said the time’s come at last.
I just took a dump
That dropped with a ‘THUMP’
And learned how to wipe my own ass.
Ockasion 220:
Bolt-upright Im suddnly sittin,
“GODDAMN!”-in, and “FUCK!”-in, and “SHIT!”-in.
Jus two hours back,
Did I hit th sack;
So now th SNOOZE-buttn Im hittin.
Ockasion 45:
Im tryin to battle th itch,
To call you a sonofabitch.
Wif cussin, my goal,
Is cmplete self-control.
So have a nice day, donkey-ditch.
Occasion 704
The 4th of July has just passed.
The fireworks launched were a blast!
But for one little flare
That has singed off the hair
Of my brows, which I hope grows back fast.
Ockasion 51:
My bloggins bcome rathr slack;
But in a bit I will be back.
Fer now, unlike you,
Ive much shit to do.
So please welcome my guest-host, Jack.
Occasion 1876:
This fuckin’ TV show is good.
And if you ain’t seen it you should.
Hoopleheads, fuckers,
And whores, and cocksuckers!
I’m drinking and watching Deadwood.
Occasion 8491:
I’ve been on the edge of my seat
And hoping that they don’t get beat.
I sit and and stare
And I cuss and I swear
As I watch the Tribe suffer defeat.
Occasion 300:
It’s been a long time since I’ve seen
Any fleas on my pets, guess they’re clean.
But there’s one side effect
That I didn’t expect
The tag I used turned my hair green!
Ockasion 105:
Youre leavin me, darling? But WHY?
Im such a fantastickle guy!
You jus cant endure,
Somone so immature?
Well, I know you are, but what am I?
Occasion 911
Certain things can change semantics.
But I don’t approve of your antics.
How dare you accuse
That I would misuse
An apostrophe! You’re so pedantic!
Ockasion 1859:
I dont accept this sience shit.
Im more convincd by Holy Writ.
So all yous can say,
Youve evolvd in some way;
But I aint evolvd — not one bit.
Occasion 321
It had been my whole life’s pursuit
To put on and zip up that suit.
I jumped from the plane
But I landed in pain
I wish I’d remembered the chute.
Ockasion 52:
Dear Fathr, confessin in rhyme,
I say Ive committd no crime;
And all that I done,
Is shout “Son of a GUN!”
Ill try to do bettr nex time.
Occ@sion long cheap super offer:
Make penis bigger by lots!
Viagra for cheap we have gots!
You should need know
That prices ours low!
Make cash payment send to “Chinkbots”.
Ockasion 15:
Dear wife, I have filed for divorce,
And it aint simply “buyers remorse.”
Some things that Ive found,
Serve as quite ample grounds –
Your dick, for example, of course.
Occasion 83:
The baby born moments ago
Has both of my parents aglow.
But my confusion starts
Since its sexual parts
Make the baby my sister AND bro.
Ockasion: 64
Th subway is packd, youre aware;
So I must stand as close as I dare.
But fear not, young lass;
For th poke in yer ass,
Is a pen in my pocket — I SWEAR!
Ockasion 133:
Our marriage is done. Dont ask why.
There aint nothin more we can try.
But I gave you my heart,
Till death do us part.
So will you take yer life, or shall I?
Occasion 44:
The sperm bank is right down the road.
I went, I beat off, blew my load.
But the staff did not figure
That their cups should be bigger
‘Til I spilled when the cup overflowed.
Ockasion 44.5
On behalf o th whole Sperm Bank staff,
I say youve committd a gaffe.
When you pull a stick-up,
We just hand you a cup,
And try not to let loose a laugh.
Ockasion 1226:
Th shirt that you gave me dont fit,
And th pants that came wif it I split.
So aftr today,
I am makin my way,
To th store, to return all this shit.
Occasion 312:
My love, you’ve been burdened and harried.
And I can’t wait ’til we can get married.
You’ll soon be my wife
For the rest of my life
Just as soon as the current one’s buried.
Occasion 446:
I sang as I opened my yap.
In the mic I recorded some rap.
I feared that my song
Had been recorded wrong
But it worked, cuz it sounded like crap.
Ockasion 70:
My darlling, once you hear this rhyme,
Youll no longr think Im a slime:
For, tho I got some,
From yer sistr and mum,
I was thinkin o YOU all th time.
Ockasion 113:
Some antibiotic protecktions,
Will help me to fight off infecktions.
I thought that Id nevr,
See my dangd leg severd.
This chainsaw shoud come wif direcktions.
Occasion 252:
I thought you were my love one true
But I’m sure glad to be rid of you.
If only the same
Could be said for your name
On my ass, now forever tattooed.
Occasion 1283:
I can’t let my friendth think I’m thquare.
Pluth they threatened a triple dog dare.
But the bell hath thinth rung
And I can’t get my tongue
Off thith pole! Fuckin’ help me, I’m thcared!
Ockasion 228:
Th calendar confirms my fears,
And brings me to th verge of tears:
This munth, so it says,
Has jus 28 days,
So I cant take a leap fer two years.