Afshionados,

I like to drive faster than the speed limit. I don’t drive NASCAR-crazy-fast, but I do go 5-10 MPH above the speed limit because I am an American, I’m impatient, and I’m pretty sure there’s something in the Manifest Destiny about being an American and it being my duty to drive fast. Or maybe that just applies if I am driving west.

So it really bothers me when I get behind school buses. They’re like big yellow road blocks designed to annoy. Not only are these monstrous, twinkies on wheels slow, but they stop at every block. No, this is not an exaggeration. The buses really stop every 20 yards or so and let off only a handful of kids. Why can’t the bus stop at one block, let ALL the kids off at once, and then let them walk to their houses? Maybe then the kids wouldn’t look like miniature versions of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Instead, It’s like a private limousine service. And why does it take so damn long for the bus to stop, turn on its flashy red lights and stop signs, and let the chublings off?

I’d complain more, but it’s time for me to get on my Segway and ride to McDonald’s for a double quarter pounder with cheese, some large fries, and a Coke. I wish they’d let me order over the phone and deliver, though. And I wish I could find someone to dial for me.

Afishionados,

So, my favorite baseball team isn’t doing so well this year, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like to watch them play. I’ve got an MLB.TV account to watch the games over the Internet, and up until now it’s ‘worked’ more often than not. It even has a standalone program that lets you watch multiple games at once, AND it even works with a Mac. Unbelievable, I know.

The problem is, the video technology used by MLB.TV is run through Microsoft Windows Media Player and Microsoft Silverlight (Microsoft’s ‘answer’ to Adobe Flash). Microsoft is like goddam Skynet and has to have it’s fingers into every type of technology known to man. If you invent something, even if it sucks as bad as Flash, Microsoft will copy it and rebrand it.

The video quality of MLB.TV has been so unreliable and shitty lately that I would never recommend the lack of service to anyone else. In the past, whenever the video has frozen or stuttered, I simply closed and relaunched the MLB.TV Mosaic application and everything worked again (at least for a while). Tonight, while watching the Cleveland Indians obliterate the Detroit Kittens, the video froze, so I did what I always do. This time, however, I was greeted with this pleasant message:

I was the only person logged in at the time, and I only own one computer. Is there really such a black market for folks watching MLB games over the Internet that this is necessary? PC users are permitted to download past games and watch them on their computers. Not Mac users, however, as the videos are protected with Microsoft’s Windows Media DRM scheme, which is not compatible with anything but Windoze. Lame. Who in the hell pirates old MLB games anyway? And of course, there is absolutely no way to reset or see how many ‘other’ computers are logged in. Great design.

I’ve already had dealings with ignorant DRM schemes before. This is why piracy exists in the first place, people. You make it inoperable with everyone’s hardware, and then you wonder why everyone steals it.

Dumbasses.

Afishionados,

I’ve been watching a lot of the Olympics lately, especially the “big sports” like swimming, gymnastics, and the track and field stuff. I watched Shawn Johnson kick ass and win another gold for the United States last night in women’s gymnastics, and I couldn’t help but notice that she looks ever so slightly like Little Debbie.

Which made me think of Little Debbie’s Strawberry Shortcake Rolls. I have always liked them, but I haven’t had them since I was a kid. I’m sure the red dye used in the “jelly” is full of poison or something, but dammit, they just taste so good. And so, this afternoon, I ventured off to the grocery store to acquire said delicious treats.

The last time I bought Little Debbie’s Strawberry Shortcake Rolls, they cost $0.79 for a carton of six. Today that same box costs $1.59. A 200% increase in price? Really, Debbie? It’s going to be like that, is it?

I bought the shortcake rolls anyway because I craved them so badly, but it wasn’t until I got home that I noticed Little Debbie’s photo on the new packaging had changed from the olden days. You might think that Little Debbie wouldn’t have such a scathing look and fiery red eyes, but it’s true. She’s not as innocent as you think. I also didn’t realize she was German.

Afishionados,

I read on CNN today that gays are allowed to join the British Secret Intelligence Service. Or, in their own words, Britissssssshhhh Sssssssecret Intelligenccccccce Ssssssserviccccccce. I wonder if they’ll make movies about this. Does anyone really want to see Octopecker? Guy Another Day? Goldenguy? The Guy Who Loved Me? For Your Guys Only? And I’m not sure I want to know what kind of moon will feature in Moonraker. Or whose finger we’re talking about in Goldfinger…

Afishionados,

What would The Official Blog of the Olympics be without an Olympics related post?

The Iraqi Olympic team has arrived in Beijing and will be competing in a brand new Olympic event:

The Iraqi team is expected to take gold in the Camel Fucking event this Wednesday.

A special thanks to ET3(SW) Jones from CVN-72 for sending me this photo.