Hard to Swallow
Afishionados,
This is how dumb America really is:
There exists a chain of pizza joints in the United States (and some in Canada, but who gives a shit about Canada?) that just boggle the mind. I have to call them ‘joints’ and not ‘restaurants’ because although you will leave the premises with a pizza, they don’t cook a damn thing. Restaurants are ‘a place where people pay to sit and eat meals that are cooked and served on the premises’. Well, not only do they not cook anything, I’ve never been in one that had any damn chairs, either.
The chain that I am referring to is Papa Murphy’s and their “Take ‘N’ Bake” pizza. Yes, that’s right, people can call in an order of pizza and have the luxury of having to pick it up, bring it home, and then cook it. From their web site:
Papa Murphy’s empowers its patrons. Not only do they decide which fresh, high-quality ingredients top their pizza, but customers have the pleasure of baking it right in their own ovens for a piping hot, delicious meal whenever they want. The dough is prepared daily in Papa Murphy’s neighborhood stores using high protein wheat flour. Each pizza features fresh ingredients, including 100 percent all-natural, whole-milk mozzarella, cheddar and provolone cheeses. Real meat toppings, with no fillers, include savory Canadian bacon and premium salami, pepperoni, Italian sausage and ground beef. Other toppings, including fresh Roma tomatoes, whole mushrooms, green peppers and onions, are sliced and diced daily.
I believe the Papa Murphy corporate hogwash needs some filtering. Let’s begin with the first line.
Papa Murphy’s empowers its patrons.
How nice of them to empower me. Does this mean I get cool Force-like abilities such as lifting short green aliens over my head if I crash land in a swamp?
Not only do they decide which fresh, high-quality ingredients top their pizza, but customers have the pleasure of baking it right in their own ovens for a piping hot, delicious meal whenever they want.
No Force powers? Oh, how disappointing. But wait, I get to decide which ingredients top my pizza? Holy shit! That’s, like, WAY different than all those other pizza places that force me, at gun point, to accept whatever pizza it is they wish to bestow upon me. I need to catch my breath here, for a moment. I’m overly excited that I’ve been empowered to choose my own pizza toppings for once.
But wait, it gets even better! I have the ‘pleasure’ of baking it in my own oven to eat whenever I want? Jesus H. Christ that is empowerment. Not only do I get to cook for myself, but I get to choose the time that’s best for me to consume the pizza! WOW!
The fact that Papa Murphy’s brags about the customer getting to choose when to bake and eat the pizza is a bonus is beyond retarded. Show of hands: How many of you have ordered a pizza because you wanted to eat it at a later date? Exactly. People order pizza because they want to eat it now, not later. Dumbasses.
Husband: “Sweetheart, what do you want to do for dinner?”
Wife: “I don’t know. I don’t feel like cooking. How do you feel about pizza?”
Husband: “Okay. I know of a pizza place that will empower us. I’m sorry, honey, I know you don’t feel like cooking, but this place will give you the pleasure of baking the pizza for us.”
Wife: “Well, do they deliver?”
Husband: “No, they don’t, but don’t worry about that. Gas is only $4.00 a gallon now, and I’m sure that our SUV will make it there and back okay. I’ll pick it up.”
Wife: “Okay, dear. When do you want to eat?”
Husband: “Oh, honey, that’s the best part. Not only do we decide what goes on top of our pizza, but we get to choose when to eat it!”
Wife: “Wow, that is amazing! Want to fuck?”
That whole bit about fresh dough and ingredients is bullshit, too. I’m not saying that Papa Murphy’s doesn’t prepare their product with fresh stuff. I’m just saying it’s not unique to their company. Every major pizza place in my area makes their pizza from fresh ingredients. They also bake the damn thing and deliver it.
I would be willing to cut Papa Murphy’s some slack if their pizza were somehow better than the competition’s, but in truth, it’s hardly worth trying. It’s offers no unique flavor or advantage over any other pizza that I’ve ever tried, though I have noticed that their pepperoni version is quite empowered with exorbitant amounts of grease. I believe Papa Murphy’s pizza falls somewhere between that cardboard pizza from your school’s cafeteria and frozen pizza from Wal-Mart.
Do yourself a favor and get a real pizza. One that arrives baked and actually has flavor.
Yep. That’s such a stupid idea that I’m still not entirely sure that you aren’t just making it up.
Ummmm, why not just buy Tombstone?
Oh, thats nothing!
You realy want sompm to rant about, th last restarant I went to atchualy shovd th food inta my mouf, thus dprivin me o th right to dcide when to eat th dangd stuff.
On th othr hand, I did have th pleasure o washin th dishs aftr I was done.
Anaglyph: Nope, not making it up. Do a Search™ for it and you’ll see that, despite its ignorance, it is real. Just like our president.
AngryMan: Because La Rosa’s is awesome, and right down the street.
Joey Polanski: I warned you about having dinner over at Anaglyph’s house.
That’s why I make my own pizza.
Also why the fuck is a Murphy doing pizza? He should only brew & sell stouts & leave the pizza restaurants to all the Tonys & Marios.
And to make matters even worse, those pizzas taste like crap. It’s one thing to buy a pizza from a restaurant that tastes like crap, but it is quite another to buy a pizza, take it home and cook it in your own oven with your own cooking utensils and then have it come out tasting like crap.
Well, Mike, if I was gonna make pizzas that tase like crap, Id make my customrs complicit in th crime too.
Easyer to dfend yerself when ya gots plausible denyability. “Wunt MY fault. I dint cook th dangd thing.”
C.Rag: I wonder if Papa Murphy looks like Papa Smurf?
mike: Are you speaking from experience or just going off what I wrote? They really do taste like shit.
Joey: Goddammit, Polanski, learn to close your friggin HTML tags. correctly. Here, go educate yourself.
Yeah, jus SABOTAGE MY COMMENT BY INSERTIN FUCKD UP HTML TAGS, why dontcha?
Fuckr!
Like I dont know my italics from my boldface.
Joey: It’s when you don’t know your Hole from your Shtick that I’ll get worried.
That reminds me I have to watch SmurfPorn again. It’s been a while & there’s something about gangbang on Smurfette that turns me on.
MMM … SmurfPorn~! Wish I had a decent pizza to eat while watching.
Seriously, shut the fuck up! Get a supreme from Papa Murphy’s for $15 then go to Pizza Hut and get the same thing $25. Papa Murphy’s is alot bigger and is fresh, not pre packaged like most pizza chains. Yes, you have to bake it but big deal. You can cook it according to how well you like it done. But you know what? Save the people that work there the problem of coming in there. You people bitch about the dumbest shit. It’s Papa Murphy’s customers that are fucking retarted. Mostly poor white trash that spend $75 on a pizza order with their food stamp card and probably wonder why they run out of food stamps before the end of the month. So yeah, we don’t want your business. Fuck the customer!!! We will continue to empower you. Papa Murphy’s Take N Bake Souls!!!
FTC: Thank you for bringing up another point that I forgot to mention: Many of the employees at Papa Murphy’s are just as ignorant as the concept of ‘take and bake’ pizza.
Were ignorant huh? Sorry were not as “cool” as you to have a website overly bitching about a paticular food chain. If you don’t like it go to Pizza Hut or whatever pizza chain that is fortunate to have your business. Fuck you Atlas, just too bad I can’t see you in person. If you ever get out of your mom’s house and visit Neosho, Mo, come and see us!
FTC: “Were ignorant huh?”
You misspelled “We’re” and you forgot the comma before “huh?”. You also spelled “particular” wrong. And your forgot the comma after “Fuck you” before my name… The grammatical list goes on and on.
So, yes, you are clearly ignorant. Thank you for not only revisiting my site, but also for removing any doubts whatsoever as to your lack of intelligence. I hope your career at Papa Murphy’s is as successful as your English skills. If it doesn’t work out, I guess you could always pump gas.
At least ‘retarted’ was spellt correckly.
Golly, Atlas!
FTC, like, wannad t kick yer ass fer dissin Papa Murph! There aint NO restarant that I like SO much that Id want to clobbr anyone who dont.
Now if anyone evr dissd my favorit deceasd racehorse, thatd be a whole nothr story …
I bet FTC would also like Michelangelo’s
Joey: Barbaro is the glue that keeps this blog together.
anaglyph: FTC is probably the only one.
Atlas, evr seen Tallk Radio? If not, check it out. Its a little-known Olivr Stone flick which happms, in my opinion, to be his best.
Then youll know what I mean when I say “OOOOOO-EEEEEEEE! Jerichos Pizza!”
Fuck you atlas. Good for you that you have excellent grammar. Give yourself a hand. Who gives a fuck?! Is that all you got? It’s really funny that people like you talk a game of shit through the internet but never have the balls to do it in the real world. For your sake, just be glad that we will never meet face to face. Seriously because I would crack your fucking skulls. I hope your website is as successful, wait, who the fuck am I kidding? If it doesn’t work out you can always pump Joey Polanski’s ass.
Geez!
Wif Atlas pumpin my ass and FTC fuckin me in th ol skull-crack, Id hardly know which friggin way is UP!
And Joey, I don’t want to see comments on my grammar when almost every word you type is misspelled. Like I stated earlier, Atlas, get out of your mom’s house.
Shit, man, I dont evn know yer friggin gramma!
FTC: “Internet” starts with a capital “I”. Is that what FTC stands for? Fuck the Caps?
I nevr have, in all my years,
Done fuckd a CAP, you know.
Prhaps I shoud cnfess that I,
HAVE fuckd a ski-mask, tho.
HERES FUCKING CAPS FOR YA! DO YOU THINK YOUR BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE BECAUSE YOU SPELL AND PUNCTUATE EVERYTHING PROPERLY?! I DON’T GIVE A FUCK THE INTERNET STARTS WITH A CAPITAL “I”. I DON’T FUCKING CARE BITCH! YOU HAVN’T HAD ANY COMMENTS ABOUT LIVING WITH YOUR PARENTS, SO I’LL TAKE IT THAT IM RIGHT ON THAT POINT. YOUR A WORTHLESS SMARTASS BITCH THAT PROBABLY HAS NO LIFE, NO WOMAN, EXCEPT FOR YOUR MOM. I HOPE YOU DIE OF CANCER YOU FUCKING PUNK!! MAKE YOUR COMMENTS ON MY GRAMMAR BUT IM OBVIOUSLY BETTER THAN YOU. I ACTUALLY HAVE A LIFE, NOT BLOGGING ABOUT SHIT THAT DOESNT MATTER. I HAVE THINGS OF MY OWN. YES, GRANTED I WORK AT PAPA MURPHY’S BUT I WORK 2 JOBS TO SUPPORT MINE. IM NOT A WORTHLESS PUSSY WHO PROBABLY LIVES OFF FOOD STAMPS AND WITH HIS MAMA. FUCK YOU PUNK, IM DONE TALKING TO YOU, YOUR A JOKE!
FTC: I’ve never seen anyone without a shovel dig themselves into a hole as fast as you have. Was I right about your second job? Do you pump gas? Nah. Probably too difficult for you.
get out of your mama’s house
FTC: I thought you were done talking to me and sharing your piss poor grammatical
skillserrors with me? I wish I lived in Carl Junction, MO so I could be as cool as you.I bet you do. And no, I don’t live in Carl Junction smartass. Get out of your mom’s house. I wish I lived at my mom’s and be a joke like you.
What’s your mama having for dinner tonight?
FTC: No hablo tard.
You don’t? That’s too bad. So what did your mama have for dinner? Did she clean you up afterwards? Maybe she will give a present when tucking you in tonight. You just might get lucky
I cant imagine a more compellin argument fer th quality o Papa Murphs.
Its as if Bertrand Russell jus emergd from his graveski …
…
… a-jonesin fer shitty pizza.
This guy who won’t post his name
Gives a whole new meaning to lame.
Papa Murphy’s is shit
FTC just won’t quit
His ranting that puts him to shame.
Hey Joey, I could shit in your pizza if you like. Get Atlas’ mom involved too, she’s one freaky bitch!
Hey Atlas, where’s the comments I posted that you blocked? What’s wrong, did I strike a nerve? Did I say something dead on that pissed you off? I see you tried blocking me from your website as well. Didn’t work pal. You started this fiasco and Im going to annoy the fuck outta you. I envy you, your fucking awesome! Tell us your secret. Your mother must be proud that your still living at home.
FTC: Should be “you’re” and not “your” but you probably already knew that. Unless the fumes from pumping gas have affected your brain.
FTC has his head up his ass.
And his ignorance is unsurpassed.
It’s no wonder that he
works at Papa Murphy’s
Cuz he’s too dumb to even pump gas.
I was looking through your blogs and noticed you live in Ohio. That’s ironic considering I have many relatives that reside in that state, and I visit quite often. Next time we should meet up! What do ya say? Hell, I’ll just have some of my relatives meet up with you soon if you’d like. Post my name, post yours. And please don’t tell me your real name is “Atlas”. So come on. Name, address, lets do the damn thing. So be a man not a bitch. Own up to the shit your talking. Fuck the “I”nternet, lets talk in person! Any more grammar that needs correcting? Or are you done talking shit? Don’t act like you can’t be touched.
come on man,
wanna keep talking?
If you criticize th place where I werk,
My brillyant rsponse is, “Hey, youre a jerk!”
To stay on th topick woud be way too hard.
But, then, so are most things, fer this dangd retard.
For someone that hates his website you sure spend a hell of a lot of time here…
Kick his ass? Think your manager’s gonna give you the time off? I’d ask your Subway manager… He’s probably a hell of a lot less anal.
Name, address…..
You first.
speaking of anal. atlas’ mom loves it!
Wasnt talking to you simply. fuck off
Took you long enough to come back, eh? (I think he was trying to figure out where the apostrophe went.) With that I leave the thread. Good night, everyone.
hope you die in your sleep
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
This keeps gettin bettr & bettr.
We jus went from high sckool back to junior high!
No Joey, its elementary!
Maybe evn primitive.
Gimme yer add-dress!
Ill kick yer ass!
Ill kick it on asphalt!
Ill kick it on grass!
—
I aint hard to find,
If youll come to my town.
My knuckles leave drag-marks,
All ovr th ground.