Afishionados,

Does the taste of fish bother you?

Afishionados,

Someone sent me a sucker with a scorpion inside!

Afishionados,

A friend of mine mentioned that he’ll be visiting The Creation Museum. Not because he’s religious or believes any of it, but because there’s really nothing good playing in theaters and he needs a good laugh.

I didn’t even realize that there was a creationist museum. But apparently it’s true, and it’s in Kentucky, which, I guess, makes sense because Kentucky isn’t the brightest state in the Union. It’s only about an hour from my house, and I’m tempted to visit myself. I’m not sure I can justify handing over the $20 admission fee, though. It just feels… dirty. At least I know I’m being had before I go in, you know? But I guess there are people out there who believe this shit is for real. I think I’d rather visit Disney World. At least Disney World admits it’s just a fantasy.

Despite the fact that I know it’s all a farce, my curiosity led me to their web site. Imagine my surprise when I was greeted with this on the front page!

Well, shit! This changes EVERYTHING! You mean if I visit the Creation Museum I get to pet friggin’ dinosaurs?!?! Dang! I’m so there!

The museum even has an answer for the existence of dinosaurs. See? People used to ride them! Never mind the fact that no archaeologist has ever uncovered the existence of a dinosaur saddle because this proves that it’s true. This is an exact replica of the dinosaur that Mary rode to Bethlehem. And you thought she rode a donkey! By the way, Creationists, I think you owe royalties to the very talented Mr. James Gurney. You totally ripped him off, and his fantasy stories are WAY better.

The museum was designed by some former exhibit director for Universal Studios. And it shows, because all the dinosaurs on display look exactly like those from Jurassic Park (a Universal Studios movie), right down to their sculpting, paint jobs, and inaccuracies. The velociraptors, for example, are the same 6 foot size as they were in the JP film. In reality, velociraptors, while 6 feet long, were only about 1.5 to 2 feet in height. While I’m not surprised that the Creationists got this ‘minor’ detail wrong, it just goes to show you that they really did steal the models from Jurassic Park.

Rest assured, should I ever visit, I’ll definitely take my camera along to the Petting Zoo and take pictures of all the cool dinosaurs. My first stop, though, will be stopping by Jesus’ cage. For some reason, it just seems polite to pet him first.

Afishionados,

Summertime is here, and I feel obligated to go over some very important safety tips. So, if you wouldn’t mind, please give me your undivided attention. No, really, this is serious. FOCUS, DAMMIT!

I appreciate you looking me right in the eyes with that look on your face. This way I know you’re paying attention. It also lets me know that you’re taking this seriously. Good

Now, some of the things that many people enjoy over the summer are sunbathing and swimming. Without proper precautions, however, you could end up looking like this:

Jesus Christ what the fuck was that? It’s one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen. Someone fetch me my gun. I’m gonna see if I can scare it back into the woods before it drinks my blood.

Hats are an excellent way to help keep the sun off you. Make sure you get a big one that even Carmen Sandiego would be proud of. Now, excuse me as I pause for a moment to admire Leighton Meester’s cleavage big hat.

Always use two hands when getting into the pool. When it’s this hot, things can get pretty slippery and wet, and you’ll want to be careful. Use both hands, get a firm grip, and gently ease yourself inside. If you’re fat and/or ugly, make sure only go swimming at night so that I don’t have to see you in a bathing suit.

Rafts can be fun, but difficult to inflate. The bigger they are, the harder you will have to blow. Always use caution. Be mindful of your surroundings and others in the pool, and try to stay abreast of the situation at all times.

By following these simple safety steps, you’ll help keep yourself out of harm’s way and your skin looking young and beautiful. You do will look better than Keira Knightley ever before! Healthy skin is important, unless you are fat and/or ugly. Should you fall into that category, you shouldn’t be in my pool in the first place.

On a completely unrelated note, I love you, Leighton Meester.

Afishionados,

This is how dumb America really is:

There exists a chain of pizza joints in the United States (and some in Canada, but who gives a shit about Canada?) that just boggle the mind. I have to call them ‘joints’ and not ‘restaurants’ because although you will leave the premises with a pizza, they don’t cook a damn thing. Restaurants are ‘a place where people pay to sit and eat meals that are cooked and served on the premises’. Well, not only do they not cook anything, I’ve never been in one that had any damn chairs, either.

The chain that I am referring to is Papa Murphy’s and their “Take ‘N’ Bake” pizza. Yes, that’s right, people can call in an order of pizza and have the luxury of having to pick it up, bring it home, and then cook it. From their web site:

Papa Murphy’s empowers its patrons. Not only do they decide which fresh, high-quality ingredients top their pizza, but customers have the pleasure of baking it right in their own ovens for a piping hot, delicious meal whenever they want. The dough is prepared daily in Papa Murphy’s neighborhood stores using high protein wheat flour. Each pizza features fresh ingredients, including 100 percent all-natural, whole-milk mozzarella, cheddar and provolone cheeses. Real meat toppings, with no fillers, include savory Canadian bacon and premium salami, pepperoni, Italian sausage and ground beef. Other toppings, including fresh Roma tomatoes, whole mushrooms, green peppers and onions, are sliced and diced daily.

I believe the Papa Murphy corporate hogwash needs some filtering. Let’s begin with the first line.

Papa Murphy’s empowers its patrons.

How nice of them to empower me. Does this mean I get cool Force-like abilities such as lifting short green aliens over my head if I crash land in a swamp?

Not only do they decide which fresh, high-quality ingredients top their pizza, but customers have the pleasure of baking it right in their own ovens for a piping hot, delicious meal whenever they want.

No Force powers? Oh, how disappointing. But wait, I get to decide which ingredients top my pizza? Holy shit! That’s, like, WAY different than all those other pizza places that force me, at gun point, to accept whatever pizza it is they wish to bestow upon me. I need to catch my breath here, for a moment. I’m overly excited that I’ve been empowered to choose my own pizza toppings for once.

But wait, it gets even better! I have the ‘pleasure’ of baking it in my own oven to eat whenever I want? Jesus H. Christ that is empowerment. Not only do I get to cook for myself, but I get to choose the time that’s best for me to consume the pizza! WOW!

The fact that Papa Murphy’s brags about the customer getting to choose when to bake and eat the pizza is a bonus is beyond retarded. Show of hands: How many of you have ordered a pizza because you wanted to eat it at a later date? Exactly. People order pizza because they want to eat it now, not later. Dumbasses.

Husband: “Sweetheart, what do you want to do for dinner?”

Wife: “I don’t know. I don’t feel like cooking. How do you feel about pizza?”

Husband: “Okay. I know of a pizza place that will empower us. I’m sorry, honey, I know you don’t feel like cooking, but this place will give you the pleasure of baking the pizza for us.”

Wife: “Well, do they deliver?”

Husband: “No, they don’t, but don’t worry about that. Gas is only $4.00 a gallon now, and I’m sure that our SUV will make it there and back okay. I’ll pick it up.”

Wife: “Okay, dear. When do you want to eat?”

Husband: “Oh, honey, that’s the best part. Not only do we decide what goes on top of our pizza, but we get to choose when to eat it!”

Wife: “Wow, that is amazing! Want to fuck?”

That whole bit about fresh dough and ingredients is bullshit, too. I’m not saying that Papa Murphy’s doesn’t prepare their product with fresh stuff. I’m just saying it’s not unique to their company. Every major pizza place in my area makes their pizza from fresh ingredients. They also bake the damn thing and deliver it.

I would be willing to cut Papa Murphy’s some slack if their pizza were somehow better than the competition’s, but in truth, it’s hardly worth trying. It’s offers no unique flavor or advantage over any other pizza that I’ve ever tried, though I have noticed that their pepperoni version is quite empowered with exorbitant amounts of grease. I believe Papa Murphy’s pizza falls somewhere between that cardboard pizza from your school’s cafeteria and frozen pizza from Wal-Mart.

Do yourself a favor and get a real pizza. One that arrives baked and actually has flavor.

Afishionados,

You all know the famous hack photographer Anne Geddes, right? She punishes takes pictures of kids dressed as flowers, plants, and bugs and stuff because she’s a cruel advocate of child abuse. Anyway, I wondered what happened to those kids once they grew up and sprouted into adults. Are they still in the business?

Well, it turns out, some of ‘em are, apparently. Who knew?

Afishionados,

Whilst on a mission to find a bubble maker for my 2 year old niece, my quest took me to Toys ‘R’ Us, where I happened upon this sign. What has the world come to? Back in my day, one could pack as much heat as they wanted when they went shopping for toys. If a kid tried to grab the last of the cool action figures that you wanted, you didn’t use strong words or try to talk reasonably with him. Hell no, you blasted the sonovabitch with your sawed-off shotgun! Well, at least until you were old enough to carry a fully automatic weapon. Still, you made your point.

Oh, and unlike the last time, the door actually did open automatically.

Afishionados,

Typically I reserve posting any design work until after I turn in the assignment. However, I feel pretty confident that I am done with this one, aside from some very minor tweaking here and there. It’s due Thursday, but you get to see it today because I care about each and everyone of of you dearly¹ and I am in a sharing mood².

This assignment has been one of my more entertaining ones (in terms of creating it). Each student in the class was given the option to choose one of the human rights from the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. I wanted Article 5, which states:

No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.

A lot of my school work up to this point has been very crisp and clean, and I wanted to get my hands dirty, so to speak. I was instructed to choose up to three human rights in the event that I could not get my first choice, but thankfully I ended up getting it.

The stipulations for the assignment were very general and open-ended. The finished product has to be at least 18″ x 24″ and must contain the right in its entirety. Because this is for my advanced typography class, it must also incorporate type in some fashion. Here is what I came up with:

The most difficult part of this whole composition was getting people to read the human right in the correct order. I presented this in it early state to various people all over campus and asked them to read it. Everyone could make it to “torture” but then got confused as to the correct order after that. Originally, the human right read from left to right and spanned across the blood spilled beneath the wrist. Instead, the gap created by the blood divides the right into two separate columns (like a newspaper article). Once I rearranged the human right text to follow the column-like setup, people were able to read it correctly (and hopefully you were able to as well).

The arm in the photo is my own. I’m right-handed, so I had to take a photo of my left arm in order to get a usable shot. I laid out some scrap paper on my desk and snapped it under a fluorescent light. After some quick Photoshopping, I removed the “seams” from the stacks of overlapped paper. My arm is the only subject matter in the initial photo. Everything else was digitally added after the fact. The very first thing I did was remove most of the color from my arm to give it a more corpse-like appearance. Doing so also tended to highlight the veins near my palm and throughout my arm.

Here is a close-up view of the arm carving. I “carved” this out using my Wacom tablet and gave it that nice gory effect in Photoshop. I can’t say as though I have ever cut myself, but after looking at people online who have, I think the illusion is pretty convincing.

All the bruises and stitches in the photo are real, by the way. They just aren’t really on my arm. My favorites are the wrist bruise and the stitches. In the early stages, I only had the blood in the photo and I wasn’t getting enough of an uneasy, disturbed reaction from people. After I added the stitches, bruises and “weapons”, people were really grossed out, as well as engrossed enough to read what the poster was about. Overly gory is ineffective if people are immediately turned off and don’t read it. I think I found a happy middle-ground.

Finally, I looked at a lot of horror movie posters for inspiration. Most, if not all, added some grain over the whole image to give it an even grittier, darker tone. It’s very subtle, but you can make some of it out in the carving photo above. This was the very last effect I did, and it’s amazing how different the poster prints with the grain than without.

I really like the medical tools and the razor blade. The stainless steel saw is fierce-looking, and really disturbs people I’ve shown this poster to. I’m also very proud of the rust effect I added to the razor blade (the image I used was that of a new, clean blade). Rusty razors are much more intimidating. Another “effect” that I am very pleased with is the shadows I added to the saw, the syringe, and the razor (sounds like a C.S. Lewis books from hell, doesn’t it?). It’s one of the effects that I hope people don’t even notice I added because that means it looks realistic, and therefore successful.

Want to see the original photo for comparison? I figured you might. Aside from removing the aforementioned “paper seams” and some very basic color correction, the photo is untouched. Here it is:

While I’m very happy with how the poster turned out, it remains to be seen what the professor thinks. I suppose if she hates it, I’ll try and sell it to Lionsgate for use as the SAW V movie poster.

¹Lies, all lies.

²Actually, I lied about that, too. I’m really in the mood for chocolate ice cream.

Afishionados,

I saw some footage of John McCain tonight, and I finally realized where I’ve seen him before. Remember Poltergeist II: The Other Side? Remember that evil bastard from the movie who keeps coming after the Freeling family? I did some research on his character* and it turns out the filmmakers based his character off the real-life John McCain. You know, back when McCain was around 6,000 years old so.

Here’s a picture of Kane. See, he even looks exactly like John McCain. Of course, Hollywood had to change the spelling of the character’s name so John wouldn’t sue, but sure as shit it’s him, innit?

Oh, Tangina, where are you when we need you? Lead this fool into the light, already.

*I lied. I made it up on the spot.

Afishionados,

A delightful reader submission from a friend, Afishionado, and former shipmate onboard CVN-72 USS Abraham Lincoln. ET3 (the fake kind, not the real kind*) (SW) Jones snapped this whilst on liberty in Singapore. Thanks for sharing, and for clearly thinking about me while you were on liberty. Don’t worry, your husband doesn’t need to know about our tantalizing lust for one another.

*Nukes are the only real electronics technicians.