Afishionados,

Afishionados,

This review is spoiler free.

I spent the Memorial Day morning at the theater with my brother-in-law. We saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I’ll save you the trouble of spending your precious gas money on the movie: it’s shit.

Lucas and Spielberg set a precedent in terms of bad Indiana Jones movies with Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom but if ever there was a contender, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is it. Shamelessly steal Take a “plot” (in the *absolute* loosest sense of the word) straight out of The X-Files, add a whip, a fedora, and Harrison Ford, and you pretty much have Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Granted, I had extremely low expectations for this film. Let’s face it, Harrison Ford isn’t getting any younger and it’s been 19 years since Indy’s last adventure (pun intended). To make matters worse, the beloved actor Denholm Elliot (Marcus Brody) died in 1992 and Sean Connery retired, so needless to say neither make a physical appearance in the film. The fatherly squabbles between Indy and Henry Jones Sr. from The Last Crusade really added to that film’s achievement in terms of it being a successful sequel. They added a new dimension to the Indiana Jones character that audiences had never seen before.

Unfortunately for Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, there are no such scenes anywhere to be found. Sure, there are homages to the Henry Jones Sr. character, but it’s a far cray from the character himself. And while Marcus Brody provided some excellent comic relief (especially in the third film), Kingdom comes up stale once again. Most of the characters from Kingdom are far too one-dimensional, so the audience never connects nor cares about what ultimately happens to them.

The “plot” also lacks any Nazis whatsoever. Yes, I understand that with all the time that has passed, Indy can’t fight Nazis. But come on! That’s an iconic part of the Indiana Jones character. He even says it himself. “Nazis! I hate these guys!” Fighting the “Ruskies” just isn’t the same.

Shia Labeouf’s character is one of Indy’s better sidekicks, and Labeouf plays the part rather well. I liked Labeouf in Transformers, and while he’s not as funny in Indy 4, his performance was really good. He’s the only new character in the Indy universe that I liked.

It’s also all-too-apparent that George Lucas had *way* too much input in this latest installment. I think Kingdom has more CG than the Star Wars prequels. And for what? It certainly doesn’t help the throwaway “plot” at all.

Last but not least, the music of Kingdom. Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Last Crusade had excellent, original scores. (I can’t vouch for Temple of Doom because I hated that movie, have only seen it a few times, and don’t remember the soundtrack at all.) The Raiders March is featured in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, but there is absolutely no originality here. When Peter Jackson hired Howard Shore to compose music for The Lord of the Rings, he made it clear that each film should have a memorable theme to it. If you can’t hum it and remember it, it’s no good. I’m inclined to agree with Jackson. Aside from the revisit to the Raiders March, the music of Kingdon is largely forgettable.

There are so many things that are just wrong, bad, missing, or unnecessary with Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Think of it like Tomb Raider without all the boobage. Unfortunately, I can’t say much else without revealing the “plot.” Suffice to say that if you like The X-Files and made-for-TV movies, then Kingdom of the Crystal Skull will not disappoint. Well, it will, but it’s your own fault if you set out to see this putrid turd of a movie.

One Festering Fedora out of Five.
?

Afishionados,

Tonight during Hell’s Kitchen, Fox Noise sported one of their little news blips at the bottom of the screen and, despite my best efforts in trying to ignore it, I couldn’t help myself.

It’s hard to think of a bigger bullshit claim than this one by Faux News. Oh, wait. There is this one that I know of.

Afishionados,

I’ve been trying to get my dear ol’ grandmother so sign up for some oil painting classes at the same college I attend. Not because I want her to be in my classes, though. No, fuck that, I hate painting, especially oil painting. Who has that kind of time and patience to wait for the shit to dry? No thanks. But I’m getting off topic. I’ll have to complain about oil painting some other time.

Anyway, the real reason I want my grandmother to do some oil painting classes is because the courses are completely free to her. Senior citizens can take any class they want at the college at no cost. All she would have to pay for is her painting supplies. Another reason is because all my grandmother does all day is sit and watch television and order complete shit from QVC. (She also has the habit of watching political pundits and taking everything they say personally. She also can’t keep political facts straight, so it’s impossible to carry on any kind of political conversation with her.)

Now, my grandmother is really good at coming up with bullshit excuses as to why she doesn’t want to paint or take art classes but they’re all poor excuses. First off, I know she likes to paint because she’s taken classes with her sister and has a bunch of her own paintings hanging up in her condo. She’s no Bob Ross or anything, but she’s not the worst painter I’ve ever seen. But that’s beside the point. Even if she painted completely abhorrent pictures, it would still be a million times better than sitting on her ass and buying stupid junk from QVC like “washballs”. Yes, that’s a real product and yes she ordered it.

The excuses I’ve heard the most are that she doesn’t have time, she doesn’t want to drive down to the campus, she can’t see that well, and she’s concerned about the cost involved. I’ve tackled each and every one of these on multiple occasions.

As for the drive down, I’ve offered to drive her the whopping 15 minutes it takes to get to campus and help her register for classes myself. I’ve also suggested she take classes that meet the same time as my courses so that we can carpool down there. So that bullshit excuse doesn’t fly.

So then she says she doesn’t have time or money and can’t see. That’s because all of it is spent on the couch ordering stuff from the television. My grandmother absolutely refuses to learn how to disable the alarm at the house, but she’s more than capable of reading those small-as-shit product numbers from her TV and speed dialing the QVC folks. How someone can phone in a long fucking product ID but not punch in a simple code to turn off an alarm boggles the mind. She could spot Gary Coleman crouching in the dark a hundred yards away on a foggy night if he was tagged with a QVC product number, I swear it.

My grandmother is getting crankier and crabbier the older she gets, and I hate to see her turn in to such a bitter old lady that never leaves her house. I wish she’d do something, even if she doesn’t want to paint or take classes for free. But I guess there’s just no changing some people.

Afishionados,

Grand Theft Auto IV has been out for almost two weeks now, has brought in over $500 million, and is still buzzing in the media as to how violent it is and how’s it’s ruining America. I recently saw a video on YouTube featuring Glenn Beck talking about GTA IV. In case you don’t know, Glenn Beck is an asshole and a conservative. I know this is redundant, but I want to make this very clear.

Now, believe it or not, there is an even BIGGER asshole than Glenn Beck in the same video. And no, it’s not Bill O’Reilly, but good guess, though. No, it’s Jack Thompson, an asshole lawyer and a bible-beating Christian. I know this is redundant, too, but I wanted to make this very clear. It’s obvious to me that neither Beck nor Thompson have ever played any of the GTA games, which pretty much makes all their criticism null and void. (It’s like saying, “I hate the taste of this food” if you’ve never tried it before.)

Beck rants about how the game lets you have sex with prostitutes and then kill them and steal their money. This must really bother him, and I’m inclined to agree with him. I don’t know about you, but I only have sex with really good prostitutes and there is no way I would kill them when I was done. I mean, come on! If I did that, I’d have to find a whole new prostitute to sleep with and the might not be as talented as the one I beat to death with my baseball bat. Moral of the story: Treat your hookers with the respect they deserve.

If you’d never heard of Jack Thompson before today then consider yourself lucky. He’s an attorney who seems to specialize in placing the blame of school shootings, the pitfalls of society, and violent acts by youths on the gaming and media industry. The truth of the matter, however, is that he’s really just a self-righteous asshole who’s pissed off the state of Florida to the point where he might be disbarred soon. There really aren’t enough bad things I can say about this fucking moron.

Further evidence of Thompson’s downright stupidity can be found right here. Essentially, Thompson was upset that a commercial for the game BioShock (a phenomenally great game, by the way) ran during the WWE’s Smackdown show. I know it’s shocking that something like a violent video game commercial would be shown during a television program as wholesome and moral-filled as wrestling, but apparently it got Jack’s panties in a wad. And what did Thompson do? He wrote a letter to Take Two Interactive and Rockstar Games (the makers of the GTA series). The only problem? Take Two and Rockstar had absolutely nothing to do with BioShock. (BioShock was made my 2K Games.) A good rule of thumb: If you’re going to write and send pointless letters about violent video games, at least make sure you send them to the people actually making the games. Dumbass.

Ultimately, what I believe it comes down to is parental responsibility. Games like GTA and BioShock are rated “M for Mature”, meaning you have to be 17 years or older to buy them. (Well, except for Australia. GTA IV had to be watered down for them because they’re softcore pansies.) This has been brought up many times before by people advocating the ESRB and gaming companies. Are there places that still sell to minors? Sure. But I think there is an even bigger point that people are overlooking, and one I’ve not seen brought up on any show or in any of the debates:

The cost involved in playing the games in the first place.

• The cheapest Xbox 360 is $279.00. And it doesn’t have a hard drive, so you have to spend about $20 more dollars on a memory card. The Xbox that most people own is around $349, which includes the 20 gigabyte hard drive (The memory cards and hard drives are necessary to save and play the games).
• The PlayStation 3 costs $399
• New games for each system (such as GTA IV) cost $60 each.
• You need a television or computer monitor to plug the console into in order to play the game. Prices of TVs are relatively cheap, but flat screen HD televisions are still expensive, especially for kids and teens on a limited budget.

The money to buy those things has to come from somewhere, and I’m willing to bet that it’s from the parents. Or the parents are buying the consoles and games in the first place. Don’t want your kids playing “bad” games? Don’t buy them the systems to play them on. “But what if my kid is exposed to games like GTA at their friend’s house?” I hear you ask. Well, I guess you have a point. In that case, lock your children in the basement and read the Bible together. Or better yet, don’t worry about it. Because chances are (unless they’re really dumb), your kid knows GTA is just a game and will probably turn out fine. And if not, it’s probably something else you screwed up at as a parent and is still not GTA’s fault. It’s probably best that you go and watch Oprah, try to sort out where you went wrong and failed your child, and:

Afishionados,

I’m well on my way to creating another category here on OFAL. Another photo I spotted while on way to dinner tonight. Something’s amiss, here…

Afishionados,

Well, just another exciting day for me today. You know, the usual stuff: wake up early, drive to school, attend class, drive to Indiana, hang out with Missy Higgins again… Yep, just the usual for me.

I don’t think I look half as retarded in this photo as I do in my first photo with Missy. Of course, I didn’t have to drive five hours this time to see her, either, so I wasn’t nearly as tired as before. Still, I think I rarely take a good (or even decent) photo, but I think this one came out pretty well. Plus, Missy is the attractive one in the picture, and everyone’s eyes will be focused on her and not me, anyway. Besides, her expression in this photo is positively adorable.

Missy’s traveling with two other bands right now and her spring tour debuted in Indianapolis, Indiana tonight. Thankfully, Missy got to play first in the queue. Unfortunately, the other two bands had to play as well, so her show was much shorter than the last five times I’ve seen her. I expected this going in, but her performance, as always, was top notch.

Immediately upon finishing her act, Missy headed straight to her huge, black tour bus. A small group of us had to pry her (nicely, of course) from the bus and beg her to sign autographs and take photos. I think there were only 6 or 7 of us altogether. Obviously I don’t know Missy personally (despite my best efforts and six concerts later ) but she still comes across as very sweet, innocent, caring, well-rounded, and extremely down-to-earth person. She is also one of the most shy people that I have ever met. Missy wasn’t upset or mad or anything about the guy knocking on the bus’ glass and asking her to come out (and no, it wasn’t me that did that).

Unlike the concert in October, I worked up enough courage to actually say more than two words to her. I told Missy that she was my favorite musician ever and that I loved her music. I also thanked her for touring the USA and confessed that I’ve driven to see her in concert each and every time that she visits. Missy simply smiled, waved to me, and said, “Well, see you the next time, then!” And with that, she climbed back aboard her bus and was gone.