Rasputin International Poetry Exhibition.

Nice and R.I.P.E. this year, folks.

While I was out shopping for my niece and nephew for Christmas, I found some books that I think AngryMan would like.

I think Disney got the title wrong on at least one of ‘em, though. Some of those Disney Bunnies are really cute and look like they’d be fun to pet and cuddle with. But I guess if you twisted my arm, I’d take the book on rabbits, too.

I have always loved Ellen Page’s performance in anything I’ve ever seen her in (She’s GREAT in Hard Candy and Mouth to Mouth). If you’re scratching your head and asking yourself, “Who’s Ellen Page?”, then shame on you, because it means you haven’t yet seen Juno.

Juno is a indie movie from Fox Searchlight Pictures that was quietly released this holiday season but is really generating a buzz. And for good reason, as Juno could (and should) be the dark horse for the Best Actress Oscar at this year’s Academy Awards. It is, without a doubt, the best film that I have seen all year and, as far as I am concerned, should win the Oscar for Best Picture of the Year.

The film is about a sarcastic and cynical 16-year-old girl named Juno MacGuff (perfectly portrayed by the wonderful and adorable Ellen Page) who finds herself pregnant after her first sexual experience with her quirky best friend, Paulie Bleeker (who goes by “Bleeker” and is played by Michal Cera). After tossing around the idea of abortion, Juno instead decides to give the baby up for adoption to a loving and well-deserving couple, the Lorings (Jennifer Garner and Jason Bateman), whom she discovers in a local newspaper with the help of her girlfriend, Leah (Olivia Thirlby).

The film follows Juno’s trials and tribulations with her pregnancy, family, the Lorings, school, and everything in between. Juno’s father (J.K. Simmons) and stepmother (Allison Janney) aren’t exactly pleased with the news of Juno’s unexpected pregnancy, but agree to help her deal with her situation as best they can. Simmons is as wonderful as ever as Juno’s father, and Janney plays the part of stepmother beautifully. I can’t imagine a better choice in the casting of Juno’s parents.

It’s Ellen Page, though, that makes this film truly shine. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, could have been Juno MacGuff except her. She’s always tremendous in her roles, but this is by far the best of her career. She’s absolutely fabulous, and I wouldn’t be surprised if her career really “took off” from here. (Ellen already has a successful career, but I mean “take off” in the sense that more people will recognize her and cast in in more mainstream films, as the majority of her work is independent films.)

Another high point is Juno’s dialogue, which is actually written as though a real 16-year-old would be saying the words that come out of Juno’s mouth. It’s rare for Hollywood to accurately portray teenagers from the real world, and even more rare for those teens to have true-to-life dialogue. Thankfully, Juno doesn’t suffer from either of these Hollywood plights. And not only is the dialogue well written, much of it is both positively hysterical (or touching, when the scene requires it).

Juno is the most fun,
most humorous, and certainly the most touching movie that I’ve seen in a long, long, LONG time. It will make you laugh, and it will surely tug at your heart. I can’t even remember the last time that I saw a film that literally made me feel good after watching it, nor a film that has made me so quickly want to watch it over again. Juno is a welcome breath of fresh air in a world of ongoing special effects blockbuster disappointments, and a painful reminder that I live in an area of the world without a really good indie theater.

There’s simply no other way to put it: Juno is outstanding and definitely a movie that shouldn’t be missed.

Four Bundles of Joy out of Four.

I first saw this story in the CNN news ticker at the very bottom of the screen:

Baby Jesus Statue Gets GPS for Christmas

Sunday December 23, 2007 2:16 PM

BAL HARBOUR, Fla. (AP) – A baby Jesus statue here is getting a Global Positioning System for Christmas.

The statue, part of a nativity scene, will be equipped with the device after the previous statue went missing, even though it had been bolted down.

“I don’t anticipate this will ever happen again,” said Dina Cellini, who oversees the display, “but we may need to rely on technology to save our savior.”

The Mary and Joseph statues will also be fitted with GPS devices, she said.

The devices are being bought using residents’ contributions and Cellini’s own money.

Cellini has also installed a Plexiglas screen in front of the display.

“Save our Savior?” STFU already. I hate to break it to anyone, but this is the ONLY way you will ever find Jesus.

Another Christmas has come and quietly gone. I can’t say that it was bad, but the holiday seems to have lost the majority of its charm and magic since my childhood, and continues to lose what little is left with the passing of each year.

Family and friends were more scattered this year than in the past, and not seeing everyone makes the festivities that much more melancholy. Christmas provides no religious merit for me whatsoever, but I do like seeing and spending time with loved ones. The food at Christmas is always good, and this year was no exception. And having a day off from the world… well, it’s difficult to complain about that, too.

I am terrible when it comes to giving presents and it’s rare that I can think of the “perfect gift” for anyone. I made an effort to put a little more thought into most people’s presents this year, though there are just some really cheap bastards in my family who aren’t deserving of much (if anything) at all because they’re not even grateful for what they already have.

As for myself, I didn’t really ask for anything but the gifts that I did receive were welcome ones, and nobody could buy me what I truly want anyway. Some things just can’t be placed in a pretty little package and sealed with a bow, and so that which I want most continues to elude my grasp.

2007 was a terrible year (with the utmost exception in regards to the weekend of October 7th, of course) and I will be very happy when it is over. I look to 2008 with great intention. The spring, especially, is rumored to be well worth the wait and I am always up for another road trip.

I hope that all of you got whatever it is you sought most throughout this holiday season, and I hope that the new year brings you that much more.

Happy Holidays!

I hope everyone enjoys the new header image at the top of the page. Yes, it’s very similar to the “old” one but I can assure you this one is brand new. “Why?” do you ask? What an excellent question!

Last night I thought I would change my screensaver for the first time in five or six years. I found one that I liked and tried to install it. Words cannot express how truly poor that decision was on my part. A part of me died last night at approximately 9:30 P.M. EST. There’s a good chance that you might have heard me screaming, too.

The screensaver devoured ALL the files on my desktop, including the Photoshop files and templates for this web site. All gone in the blink of an eye. To make matters worse, I didn’t have backups of everything and the REAL salt in the wound is that the screensaver didn’t work anyway!

This is why there is no God. God would not punish a Mac user like this, especially by trying to install a simple screensaver. Windows users on PCs? Absolutely. God would hate them. If he were real.

I have backups of all of my personal files, but I didn’t have backups of all the Photoshop files for the Ministry. Fortunately, there is a software program out there called Data Rescue II which I will vouch does just that. I was able to recover the majority of my files, with the exception of the header image and the Ministry logo file.

When I work on my projects, I save my files as I go. If I make a drastic change, I save it as a new file. This way, if I later decide that what I changed was bad, I can go back to where I started from. I consider most of my stuff (especially the images on my blog) to be works in progress. While I lost the “final” version of the Ministry logo, I was able to “finish” one of the work-in-progress versions that I had backed up. ::Whew::. And Data Rescue II recovered the parchment and cloth backgrounds of the Ministry.

So although God doesn’t exist, Santa had better because I need him to bring me an external hard drive so that I can back up my stuff with Apple’s new Time Machine feature.

And if Santa should fail in his quest to bring the Ministry a hard drive for Christmas?

It’s no secret than any woman you end up dating, marrying, or hanging out with is bound to nag and complain to you someday. It’s just a fact of life. Just ask mike.

I agree with my brother that the best answer to reply with is “I don’t know.” It’s simple, easy to remember, and works every time. For example, here are some scenarios when this reply may just come in handy:

Nag: Where were you last night?
Man: I don’t know.

Nag: Why do you love me?
Man: I don’t know?

Nag: Who’s that underneath you?
Man: I don’t know.

For this reason, I have determined that, from now on, any women involved in any major part of my life must have an accent. Foreign accents are sexy. A woman can be teetering on the line that separates the “just okay” or uglies from the beauties and a sexy accent can often make or break it for her¹.

Because foreign accents are so attractive, it makes the nagging and complaining *much* more bearable. In fact, you can tone out the griping itself and just listen to the words.

That’s why it doesn’t work with people from the United States. American accents are boring and bland. Not sexy at all. And the U.S. loses a lot of points just for having that southern hillbilly accent. That actually makes the nagging worse.

The sexiest accent in the world is, of course, the Australian accent. You can disagree with me², but you’d be wrong. I could listen to an Australian talk for hours. English accents are a close second.

Not everyone is lucky enough to find someone with a sexy accent, though. Sometimes you’ll have to improvise, such as muzzle her or gas her or both. And, unfortunately, there will be times when you will just have to listen to the moaning and groaning even though you don’t want to.

¹Some restrictions apply. Excludes excessively fat chicks. The Ministry retains the right to refuse the title of “attractive” to anyone.

²But unless you’re a woman with a sexy accent, I’m not going to listen to you.

I do not get too much SPAM mail and I certainly have no intentions of competing with the wonderful Spam Observations of the Cow. However, I did receive one of the most delightful (as delightful as SPAM mail can be, I suppose) messages this morning, which has me tossing around the idea of giving the Ministry a motto. To say that I feel compelled to share is an understatement. Here is the letter in its entirety, thoughtlessly written by Fohl Hardmon:

Ahn nyeong,

Downlloadable Softtware [link removed]

This rotten foolery. You didn’t send it? Said produce a loud
rattle. And he made the earth to stirring note of hail,
columbia, happy land. Mrs. Left the one white layman at
nulato seething with in number, and diverse kinds of gems
and diverse serpent. It doth not deserve death at thy hands.
placed on satyaki’s car. Then, people caused his aimlessly
across his path. Senior, half his senses those of a lion,
and so exceedingly beautiful? Had not heard him open the
door or close it. She.

I hope that you feel as moved as I do. Although the ending is rather abrupt, I did find it overwhelmingly beautiful and powerful. I find myself in anticipation for the sequel, as I desperately want to know what becomes of the enigmatic “She”.

My favorite part, however, is the bit with “this rotten foolery.” A most excellent motto and arguably great advice to live by. Thank you, Mr. (?) Hardmon, for instilling me with your wisdom and congratulations for being the current frontrunner in terms of Ministry mottos.

Afishionados,

Whilst perusing my local bookstore for Christmas presents, I happened upon a magazine that I found to be rather odd.

At first, I thought it was kinda like Oprah’s magazine, only Paula Abdul owned it. Oprah always puts herself on the cover in case that one person out there who doesn’t know who she is will then be able to put a name to a face.

Turns out I was wrong. This magazine isn’t just about Paula Abdul. It just happens to feature her on the cover. I’m not sure why exactly, but I like to think that Paula has earned the title of “Modern Dog of the Year”. After all, with so many pointless episodes of American Idol behind her, I’d say she’s earned it.

And thank you so much to all the writers out there who’ve been on strike for about a month now. The world can always use more reality television, right¹? I need Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert to come back.

¹No.