Afishionados,

You would think that someone considered to be quite the whore would not wear a costume that correlates with the old adage “Loose lips sink ships.” But, that would involved thinking, so I guess Paris is excused.

Happy Halloween!

Afishionados,

Wash your hands because the claptrap is spreading…

Afishionados,

There are many of you out there bitching about the Cleveland Indians mascot being racist. I’ve even gotten comments about it here on my own blog, but I’ve deleted them and decided to do this post because:

1. The Cleveland Indians are awesome, even if they did lose to the Boston Red Sox. I don’t give a shit what you say.

2. For some of you, your fucking team is goddamn laundry.

3. You are retarded.

Therefore, I’ve made my own goddamn team. Since several of you have bitched, moaned, whined, and cried that there’s an abundance of professional sports teams that are “racist”, I’ve decided to pick on Whitey. That’s right, the crackers are gettin’ their own racist team. Suck it up.

The new team is the Honkies. And we bring our own bats. Don’t come crying to us about racist sports teams, because we’ll just smack you upside your ignorant head. We haven’t settled on a city yet, but are open to suggestions.

There are much bigger and much more important problems in the world than “racist” sports teams, so please do the world a favor and just shut the fuck up.

UPDATE: Due to a request from a faithful Honkies fan, I’ve made a small button you can proudly display on your own blog or website to show your team spirit. It’s a transparent .PNG file, so it should look okay on your web site no matter what color your background is. Enjoy, and Go Honkies!

Afishionados,

Once upon a time there lived an evil bitch. She was short and had red hair and she was very annoying.

The evil bitch was married to an Awesome King, but filed to leave him when the King was out of the castle visiting a family member that had just come back from the Crusades.

The evil bitch lacked any self confidence, so she made friends with idiots more easily than most. The idiots and the evil bitch liked to hang out and talk about how pointless their existence really was.

As a means to deal with her incompetence, the evil bitch turned to alcohol. This caused her to throw up in the King’s castle and pass out on the floor.

The evil bitch’s mother was even worse. Her mother was a rare species known throughout the land as an Ubercunt: A vicious creature that is known to suffer from hypochondria, laziness, drug addiction, and the Lifetime television network.

The evil bitch was completely incapable of ever saying “NO” to the Ubercunt. Anything the Ubercunt asked of the evil bitch, the evil bitch did. No matter what. After deciding to leave the Awesome King, the evil bitch teamed up with the Ubercunt to try and displease the Awesome King. Much like their own lives, their attempts were futile and pointless.

One day, the Awesome King received a packet of bullshit paperwork from the Ubercunt and the evil bitch. It had been sent via another feared beast, known as a Loiyar. As it turned out, the Ubercunt and the evil bitch had been reading His Majesty’s Royal Blog! Unfortunately for the Ubercunt and the evil bitch, His Almighty Highness the Awesome King had expected this all along, and so he had been careful as to what he should post about.

The packet of bullshit paperwork contained reproductions of the Awesome King’s posts about his new cell phone and his new Adobe software for school, along with complaints as to the funding of such niceties. The Awesome King never admitted to paying for these niceties himself, and so the cries of the Ubercunt and evil bitch were silenced. If only they could be silenced forever.

As long as the Ubercunt and the evil bitch are reading the Awesome King’s blog, they may as well also know that the Awesome King has recently acquired the brand spankin’ new Apple operating system, Mac OS X 10.5 Leopard a full two days earlier than the general public. And there is absolutely no way in hell that the Awesome King will ever send the Ubercunt and the evil bitch a copy for their *outdated* iMac.

And the Awesome King continued to live on, happier than ever without the evil bitch around.

Afishionados,

Had to swing by the mall today and while I was there I spotted this:

This is what’s wrong with society today. I can’t believe someone would actually dress like this in public. Don’t they realize how embarrassing it would be? I mean, honestly, who wears two necklaces at once?

Afishionados,

In case you were thirsty, I’ve taken the liberty to fill up my fridge with something I figured you’d all enjoy. Well, except AngryMan. (Sorry, but they don’t make a penis flavored beverage for you.)

Photo (C) Samantha Murphy.

Afishionados,

Chicago was short but awesome! I got into town around 1 P.M. Chicago time, had lunch, took a nap, then hitched a free ride downtown in plenty of time to see Missy Higgins perform at Martyrs’. Last year, I found out by simple luck that Missy Higgins was performing in Seattle. That concert was excellent and I had a great time. I spent the entire evening standing about 5 feet away from Missy as she sang for about an hour and a half.

The concert in Chicago blew that one way out of the water. The concert was sold out even before the show started. The venue was still a hole in the wall, but the Chicago crowd was a lot more lively than Seattle’s. I think Missy liked the Chicago crowd, too, because she spent a lot of time giving background info on her songs and joking with her fans. She even extended her stay and played a handful of extra songs because people were enjoying the concert so much. The show felt much more intimate than last year’s. Missy doesn’t have a single song that I don’t like, but she does have some that I enjoy more than others. And as far as my favorites, Missy played ‘em all .

I borrowed my mom’s camera for the trip, but I didn’t take it to Martyrs’, which worked out just fine because it was far too dark inside to take any good photos and flash photography was prohibited. Thanks to MySpace, I got a bulletin from Missy that said she’d also be playing a free gig at the Borders bookstore in the heart of downtown Chicago. Since I didn’t know this when I planned my trip, I hadn’t planned on going. But since I drove myself, I quickly readjusted my schedule.

Martyrs’ probably had two or three hundred people there. It was packed pretty full and it was hot as hell. Borders, on the other hand, was a completely different animal. Only 30 or 40 people showed up for it. And guess who had the frontmost seat directly in front of Missy ?

The Borders gig started at 12:30 P.M. I showed up at 11:00 to grab a good seat and some coffee. My chair was literally two feet away from Missy’s piano. I was even closer this time than I had been in Seattle. This may not sound so amazing to people not familiar with Missy Higgins, but consider her audiences in Australia: Typically 4,000-12,000 people at $65+ a pop. Here’s a photo of the Live Earth concert that was held in Australia. Missy performed here, so you get the idea.

I killed the time by chatting with the guy who set up her equipment. Unfortunately, I never got his name, but he was very friendly and I know he was from Perth. We prattled on about Australia and Australian musicians, and he reinforced the idea how insanely lucky I was to be so close to Missy at a free “concert”. Since I don’t live in Australia, I don’t think I can fully comprehend how popular she is over there, but I like to think that I can, at the very least, appreciate it.

Me, looking very tired from getting up at 7 A.M., driving to Chicago for an 8:00 P.M. concert, not going to sleep until 2:00 A.M., and getting up at 8:00 A.M. to see Missy at Borders. Holy crap.

Around 11:40, Missy came out to finish setting up her keyboard and guitar. By this time, there were probably 10 people (most of whom were at the concert the night before) waiting for the event to start and Missy was kind enough take some photos with us. So, it seems that crossing my fingers paid off after all.

The Borders event was, of course, a much shorter show than the Martyrs’ concert. But it really felt like a private party and Missy was there just to entertain us, and only us. She didn’t even have a playlist, she just took requests for songs off her new album from her fans (I managed to sneak in a request and Missy played it. Woo!)

After about 30 minutes, the show switched to an autograph signing. Convenient that I brought my CDs with me. I jumped in line fast enough to be third.

I was nervous when I talked to Missy, but she’s a very cool and down-to-earth person and seems like a really easy person to get along with. I can only imagine how much money she’s made since she started singing, and I’m glad that she hasn’t gone the way of the “American music star” and let all her fame and fortune go to her head.

As she signed my CD covers, I told her she was my favorite singer and more than worth the 5+ hour drive to see her. And then she looked at me like I was crazy and asked, “You drove 5 hours to see me? Where are you from?” I thanked her for her awesome performance at Martyrs’ and told her I’d drive back to Chicago in a heartbeat if she ever came back to sing, which resulted in a very Australian, “No worries”¹ and a “Thanks so much!”.

I’m sorry if this seems like too much rambling, but it’s been a very fast 48 hours and I’m completely burned out from driving for 10 of those 48 hours. I’ve probably bored most of you, but I think I really wrote this post for me. I’ve seen Missy Higgins live three times now, and each time keeps getting better and better. I’ll never forget my (too short of a) trip to Chicago, and I’ll never forget the concerts or the opportunity I’ve had in just getting to sit down and talk to Missy Higgins. It’s been one of the greatest experiences of my life, and means the world to me.

I took 51 photos at Borders, but I kept the flash off as to not annoy or distract Missy while she sang. Here are just a few that I thought turned out especially well. I also want to say that the guitarist in the green shirt (Ben Edgar, also quite good) is also very cool. He, too, thought I was crazy for driving 5 hours to see Missy.

¹ This phrase translates to “No problem” for any Yanks not familiar

Afishionados,

I haven’t had a “real” vacation for a long time, and so I’ve decided to take a few days and head to Chicago. It’s going to be a fast trip, but it’s going to be better than the last time I was there because there will be no Navy boot camp involved this time. And this time there are Australians involved!

My favorite musician in the world is Missy Higgins. She’s from Australia and something about her songs and her voice just gets to me. She’s not well known in the USA and I prefer it stay that way, because her tickets are so much cheaper as an “indie”. I saw her last year in Seattle and she was great. Thanks to a MySpace bulletin, I saw that she was coming to Chicago. After I bought a ticket and booked a hotel, I saw that Missy’s actually playing two venues. Awesome! Hopefully I’ll get to see her twice, because she doesn’t come to the USA as often as she tours Australia. That’s that plan, anyway. I’ll even keep my fingers crossed for an autograph or (gasp) a photo.

I won’t have a computer with me, but I will have access to email, so anyone in the Chicago area who wants to buy me lunch, I’ll be waiting to hear from you.

In a completely unrelated note, I got new glasses. They’re completely round, and I like ‘em. Harry Potter, John Lennon, and Steve Jobs: Eat your heart out.

Afishionados,

In the spirit of Mike’s excellent Myth vs. Reality blog, I offer my own submission.

Afishionados,

Afishionado Andrew has, a great personal risk, kindly sent this along. Was this how Barbaro really died? Is it all just one big conspiracy? It looks like a black, government sedan… What do you think?