The Navy is full of weirdos. I was selected for random urinalysis today (a practice the Navy likes to do all the time to make sure you aren’t taking any drugs to help you cope with your decision to join the Navy). Naturally, I was informed after I had just gone. So, two cans of soda and 400 gallons of water later, I finally peed for my countryBut that’s not where the fun stops! See, since the Navy is so desperate for you to finish your whiz quiz quickly, they force you to drink more water in one sitting than you would normally drink in an entire week. Therefore, even after you have patriotically filled your small bottle, your bladder continues to fill and you keep going. All day. For all eternity, even.

I pissed 16 times in 9 hours today. My kidneys are the cleanest they have been in 24 years. Towards the end, it wasn’t even urine, just warm water. Around 4 o’clock this afternoon, I was doing my thing when I hear this voice from the handicap stall at the end of the restroom.

“You ought not killed my litlle brother, mmmmm hmmmm.”

I didn’t think much of it at first because it was a handicap stall (maybe it really was Carl, I thought) and it was the Navy. So I kept working on Project Niagra when the voice sounded off again.

“A’ight ‘den, mmmm hmmm.”

Despite the odd situation and my strong desire to do so, I couldn’t just leave the restroom because my bladder was filled all the way up to Ohio. And if you stop going once you’ve already started it stings and burns and I was not about to go through anymore pain for the Navy. So I stood there transfixed like a racoon in a car’s headlights. The voice spoke out again.

“I sure like ‘em fried potaters” followed by one of the loudest, wettest, squeakiest farts I’ve ever heard.

It was at this point that my bladder had finally decided that it was finished for the time being and, at long last, I could leave. Before zipping up and washing my hands, I managed to get the last word in with “Carl”.

“Yes, but it sounds as though they don’t agree with you.”

Yet another glorious day in our Nation’s finest Navy.