Afishionados,

Whilst on a mission to find a bubble maker for my 2 year old niece, my quest took me to Toys ‘R’ Us, where I happened upon this sign. What has the world come to? Back in my day, one could pack as much heat as they wanted when they went shopping for toys. If a kid tried to grab the last of the cool action figures that you wanted, you didn’t use strong words or try to talk reasonably with him. Hell no, you blasted the sonovabitch with your sawed-off shotgun! Well, at least until you were old enough to carry a fully automatic weapon. Still, you made your point.

Oh, and unlike the last time, the door actually did open automatically.

Afishionados,

I received in the mail today one of the coolest toys in existence: the Master Chief from Halo 3. Featured by McFarlane toys, the detail on such a small figurine is rather stunning.

Not only is the Master Chief meticulously detailed down to the finest scratches and dents, he’s also very posable.

The Master Chief does have a small cursing problem, though, and enjoys quoting lines from famous movies. I think he has a Napoleon complex because he is only 6 inches tall.

You can’t make fun of me for playing with dolls action figures either, because all the cool kids are doing it.

Afishionados,

Life on the Lincoln marches on, hence the lack of much updating for the past month here on OFAL. Apologies. But thank you to everyone who continues to visit, including all the new folks upset about my Barbaro post. The fact that you have proven my power to truly upset complete strangers on the Internet cheers me up.

And now for something completely different.

On my way out the door of my apartment building last week, I discovered a pile of very old toys at the bottom of the stairwell. At first I didn’t think much of them, and I just assumed that perhaps a new tennant had temporarily left the toys there as they moved in. Then I remembered that it was 4:30 in the morning and nobody moves in that early.

Only a few toys existed: an old Mighty Mouse doll, a Smokey the Bear doll and a tin rocket ship. The stuffed animals were in pretty ragged shape, but the rocket is in excellent condition. Aside from the astronaut’s head, “television”, and various small parts of the rocket, the toy is all metal. It has a battery compartment which looks to hold “C” or “D” cell batteries, but I have not yet tried it out.

I’ve Googled various phrases and searched on eBay, but I haven’t been able to uncover any further information about the toy. I’m curious about it, especially since it’s in really good shape. It makes me wonder why anyone would just abandon it in an apartment stairwell.

Afishionados,

For reasons that I cannot explain, the memory of a toy from my childhood popped into my brain tonight. Specificially, my brother’s (Drew) Teddy Ruxpin from the late 1980s.

Teddy Ruxpin was a toy bear that featured a moving mouth, blinking eyes, and the ability to tell stories. I can’t recall specifically what Teddy’s overall quest was, only that he encountered various creatures and made many new friends along the way.

Two of his best friends were Newton Gimmick and Grubby, a crazy old human inventor and a large yellow caterpiller-like creature respectively. They cruised around in a bad-ass airship in search of new adventure. I wish my life could be that cool.

The original Teddy Ruxpin toy had a cassette player built into his back. His stories came with a color picture book and a cassette tape. Simply insert the tape into Teddy’s back, sit back, then watch and listen as he shared his tale. Teddy was also in cahoots with the battery industry, as he sucked down four C batteries like Homer Simpson chugs beer.

As young kids, my brothers and I did not have our own cassette player. We did, however, manage to own one music cassette tape between the three of us: an illegal copy of the Top Gun soundtrack, transferred via my dad’s record player no less. Ah, how I miss the sweet, sweet sounds of the popping and crackling of vinyl transferred to the cheapest cassette tapes that K-Mart sold. Those were the good ol’ days…

So, what do kids with one tape and no tape player do? Slap that sucker into their Teddy Ruxpin, of course!

When it came to Teddy’s own tapes, his mouth only moved when he spoke on the cassette. But when Kenny Loggins started playing “Highway to the Danger Zone”, Teddy flipped the fuck out. His eyes twitched, his mouth jittered, and he sang his little heart out in joyous, epileptic fashion.

Sadly, thereafter Teddy was never the same again. His eyes and mouth continued to twitch horribly (ironically, I now share Teddy’s reaction when I hear Kenny Loggins music) and he no longer only spoke when his character talked on the tape. Kenny Loggins killed our Teddy Ruxpin.

Teddy has since been through four various companies but has been resurrected once again. He now uses digital cartridges instead of cassette tapes and uses four AA batteries vice the original four C, but he still looks like the lovable bear from my childhood.