Once again, I aim to please. Someone found my web site by searching for the term “fiberglass testicles“. Why would you search for this? What’s wrong with the real thing? Well, lucky for you, I’m not one to pry, I’m just here to make sure you, the reader, get what you came1 for. I think I may have to add “Query Results” as a weekly feature here on the Fish.
1Get it? Testicles? What you came for? Oh forget it…
The Official Blog of Nuclear Power
Finally, after almost two years of training, I got to stand a watch as reactor operator. That shit was pretty cool, too. Being the person responsible for a multi-megawatt nuclear reactor was awesome.
I got to control the reactor for four hours and do a bunch of confidential stuff associated with it. I wish I could say more because it was exciting but I’m afraid the government would disagree with me. If nothing else it will give me something to talk about at my class reunion in a few years.
I hope the form that you fill out about what you’ve done with the past ten years of your life has a blank space for “job”. “Nuclear reactor operator and part-time blogger.”
To the “gifted students” from my high school that are anything but:
To the former athletes working shiftwork at the local papermill:
To the drug-using dropouts who were never worth a damn:
To every bully I’ve ever encountered through all my years of school:
Fuck all of you, I controlled a nuclear reactor.
I’ve been away for the past couple of days because I’ve been in heated negotiations with the Olympic Committee about being the official blog of the Olympics. And not just for Torino 2006, but from now to all eternity. Naturally, the committee was ecstatic (to say the least) and agreed with me.
Unfortunately, I had no say whatsoever in the choosing of the Olympic mascot. My artistic skills just can’t compete with Pedro Albuquerque. I mean, just look at these…things. There is no way I could draw something this technical and difficult looking.
Here is what the Official Torino 2006 site has to say about the mascots:
“Neve”: she is a gentle, kind and elegant snowball; “Gliz”: he is a lively, playful ice cube. They are the two symbolic characters of the XX Olympic Winter Games. They complement each other and personify the very essence of winter sports.
Damn, they aren’t kidding when it comes to the personification of winter sports. How did they know that these two characters were exactly what I picture in my mind when I hear the term “winter sports”? It’s like they crawled into my brain and stole this image from my mind’s eye. I swear.
Kind and elegant snowball? Can a snowball even get pissed off and bitchy? And Gliz isn’t even an original idea. I’ve beat the Smoking Gun to this story. Gliz is really a ripoff of the Stinky Cheeseman.
I propose the removal of Gliz and to replace him with this guy:
This is Wiz. And here is what the Official Blog of the Olympics has to say about Wiz:
“Wiz”: he is an outgoing, moist and yellow snowbeing; He is the symbolic character of the XX Olympic Winter Games. He personifies the very essence of waiting outside and watching winter sports with a full bladder.
Let the games begin!
UPDATE: It has also recently come to my attention that Neve is none other than the Cingular logo.
Yes, folks, it’s that special time of the year again! A time for ballet with large, sweaty, overpaid men hugging each other on a grassy field for the world to see! Time for Super Bowl XL!
And the Fish is proud to be the Official Blog of the Super Bowl for 2006. Thank you for all of your support. Advertisements on the Fish can be purchased for $2 Million dollars. That’s a savings of $500,000 from the television commercials! Think about it! Those only last for 30 seconds a piece. My ads will last for all eternity*. It’s the deal of a lifetime.
Operators are standing by.
*Or until Blogger crashes again, which will undoubtedly be at any time. Sorry, we cannot accept personal checks. But if you are a hot football cheerleader, inquire about our sexual -er, special discounts.
