Afishionados,
I’m well on my way to creating another category here on OFAL. Another photo I spotted while on way to dinner tonight. Something’s amiss, here…
Afishionados,
So I’m watching HOUSE last night and Faux News was kind enough to intrude upon the lower portion of my screen with BREAKING NEWS! I know that Fox Noise is “fair and balanced” and would never1 lie to me or have a bias on one of their stories, but I just can’t figure out how men’s nipples tie in with the Republican agenda that Fox is constantly trying to shove down my throat. Thoughts?
In other news, large traces of dihydrogen monoxide were found in a local woman’s body, doctor’s say.
1Yes, yes they would.
Afishionados,
Whilst in search of bamboo for a 3D project, I happened upon this at a floral outlet store:
Afishionados,
Target gift cards specify “Ages 1½+” in the lower right-hand corner. And, honestly, what child wouldn’t want a nice plastic gift card in place of a toy? Remember, your kids are never too young to start being a part of corporate greed!
Afishionados,
Two faces (you think she can nod?)
But why all the fuss?
She’s a homunculus!
And not reincarnated god.
Afishionados,
Posting about your pets is typically a blogging “no-no”, but I’ve been trying for months to capture my cat Jinx’s “retard look” and share it. Jinx gets this look quite often, but whenever I go to take a photo with my iPhone he runs away because sexy looking gadgets scare him. And because he’s retarded.
I managed to sneak up on him after he was done licking himself and sort of captured it as best I could. Typically, his jaw hangs down a lot more, like Carl from Slingblade, but he bolted moments after I snapped this shot. And now that I think about it, his look isn’t too far off from President Bush’s “thinking face”. Except I think Jinx actually gets a thought in his brain once in a while. And probably licks himself a lot less than Dubya, too.
Afishionados,
If Diane Keaton was a duck, she would look like this. Now, moving on. Australia is awesome, but I’ve just read about the dumbest thing to come out of it since Speedos.
SYDNEY (Reuters Life!) - Walks like a duck, talks like a duck, dresses like a duck — it must be Australia’s duck fashion show.
Behatted ducks in pink, green and yellow outfits waddled down the catwalk in the Pied Piper Duck Show at one of Australia’s most famous annual country festivals.
Brian Harrington, who runs the show, believes his feathered models are just as talented as their human counterparts, and completely under-appreciated.
The 60-year-old has run the show for some 25 years and dresses his ducks according to the latest fashion trends for each event.
“I love that little duck. If she was a human, she’d be on top money,” said Harrington.
I have an Australian agent in the field that has done extensive research on ducks, but giving them their own fashion show? Dammit, people, birds are evil. They’re trying to take over, don’t you see? First it’s the little things, like shitting on your car or stupidly flying into your windows and doors because they supposedly don’t see the glass. Bullshit. All birds are liars. They see it. They’re just testing your house for weaknesses and determining the best time to strike. They mostly come at night. Mostly…
Soon, the madness continues and the next thing you know birds have their own fashion shows. Harmless, right? Just cute ducks in little costumes? WRONG. They’ve already scrutinized the integrity of your windows and plotted to peck your eyes out when you sleep, and this is just evidence that birds are trying to infiltrate society. They want to be destroy the system by being a part of it. Clever, but I’m on to them.
Afishionados,
Don’t get confused. This ain’t your run-of-the-mill cheap plastic shit. It’s elegant.
Afishionados,
At first, I thought it was kinda like Oprah’s magazine, only Paula Abdul owned it. Oprah always puts herself on the cover in case that one person out there who doesn’t know who she is will then be able to put a name to a face.
Turns out I was wrong. This magazine isn’t just about Paula Abdul. It just happens to feature her on the cover. I’m not sure why exactly, but I like to think that Paula has earned the title of “Modern Dog of the Year”. After all, with so many pointless episodes of American Idol behind her, I’d say she’s earned it.
And thank you so much to all the writers out there who’ve been on strike for about a month now. The world can always use more reality television, right1? I need Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert to come back.
1No.
Afishionados,
This post comes with fine print. You must agree to the following terms and conditions before reading this post. If you do not agree, click here to go to a happy place.
By reading this post you agree with everything written, said, and/or posted on this blog. By reading this post you acknowledge that you might be one of (though certainly not limited to) the following:
Article I.
1. An Ubercunt.
2. An alcoholic.
3. An Evil Bitch.
4. A drug addict.
5. An absolute waste of human life.
6. A vindictive asshole.
7. A hypochondriac.
8. A liar.By printing this post or any part of Old Fish and Lemonade and mailing it to ANY attorney you agree to ALL of the following:
Article II.
1. You agree to pay me $15,000 in cash.
2. You’re not worthy of the air you breathe.
3. Everything that I say is always right.
4. You’re completely incapable of doing anything for yourself because you can’t stand up to your parents.
5. I am absolutely fucking awesome.If you do not agree with ALL of the above you are in violation of the terms and conditions hereby in effect immediately by order of the Awesome King as of this moment on Friday, November 30th in the year of our Lord 2007.
These terms and conditions do not apply to “Fellow Inmates” with the exception of Article II: Section 5.
::Whew:: Sorry about that. It seems that my Fairy Tale post has ruffled some feathers so I had to add a disclaimer for this one. Now, on with the post. And remember, NO PRINTING AND MAILING to attorneys without agreeing to the terms and conditions of this blog. Any similarities to persons or things in real life, no matter how guilty those persons or things’ consciences may be, is pure coincidence.
Once upon a time in Magical Happy Land there lived an Evil Bitch. She was annoying, had short hair, and hunched a lot.
The Evil Bitch could never do anything without the permission of the mentally unstable Ubercunt. No matter how much she thought she was independent, the Evil Bitch was not capable of thinking for herself or making decisions on her own, for fear of upsetting the Ubercunt. Upsetting the Ubercunt would only lead to panic attacks, severe dramatic upchucking, and a fast, albeit pointless, trip to the Room of Emergency.
One day, the Ubercunt got it in her head to continually pester the Awesome King by making shit up and sending him copies of his fairy tales by means of a Loiyar. Though the Ubercunt considered herself a super hero, the reality is that she was nothing more than a fat Ubercunt in really bad tights.
One of the claims of the Ubercunt and the Evil Bitch was that the Awesome King had been “text messaging derogatory messages” to the Ubercunt’s phone. This was not at all true, however, and the Awesome King would be MORE THAN HAPPY AND WILLING to submit the last few records of his cell phone statements as proof. After all, the Awesome King only gets 200 text messages a month with His Majesty’s Service Plan, and why would he waste them on the Ubercunt when he’s since met so many beautiful women at college and work?
The Ubercunt and the Evil Bitch also feared that a specific line from the Awesome King’s Fairy Tale was a threat to their life. “If only they could be silenced forever”. The Awesome King was confused by their reaction to a fictitious tale, and certainly never planned to take the lives of anyone. Especially not with gas at $3.15 a gallon. Sadly, the Ubercunt and Evil Bitch were gravely mistaken if they thought that the Awesome King cared enough to travel so far to do such things. No, children, the Awesome King would never do that. The Awesome King never meant it as a death threat. But no one ever said that the Ubercunt or the Evil Bitch were intelligent and that the Awesome King’s schedule certainly did not revolve around them and their guilty consciences.
In the end, the Awesome King also reminded the Ubercunt and the Evil Bitch that there existed, even in Magical Happy Land, the Bill of Rights. The Bill of Rights happened to include the First Amendment, which states:
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.
This gave the Awesome King the ability to continue to write his fictitious stories and share them with his followers and admirers throughout all of Magical Happy Land.
And so, the Awesome King continued to live a happier life with his newfound friends from school and work and the memories of much, MUCH happier times.
