Afishionados,

A delightful reader submission from a friend, Afishionado, and former shipmate onboard CVN-72 USS Abraham Lincoln. ET3 (the fake kind, not the real kind*) (SW) Jones snapped this whilst on liberty in Singapore. Thanks for sharing, and for clearly thinking about me while you were on liberty. Don’t worry, your husband doesn’t need to know about our tantalizing lust for one another.

*Nukes are the only real electronics technicians.

Afishionados,

I’ll be leaving for yet another fabulous fast cruise tomorrow morning, so the Fish will most likely be quiet once again. Expect regular updates to recommence sometime around May 1st.

In all sincerity, thanks for hanging in there and still visiting despite the lack of regular content. I suggest you write your congressman and hire me for a better job than the one I am currently doing.

Afishionados,

Happy Friday the 13th. I’m stuck on the ship until next weekend (still fast cruising), so I apologize for the lack of updates around the Fish. Hopefully some good news and some big news to post about within the next couple weeks. Stay tuned…

Afishionados,

Life on the Lincoln marches on, hence the lack of much updating for the past month here on OFAL. Apologies. But thank you to everyone who continues to visit, including all the new folks upset about my Barbaro post. The fact that you have proven my power to truly upset complete strangers on the Internet cheers me up.

And now for something completely different.

On my way out the door of my apartment building last week, I discovered a pile of very old toys at the bottom of the stairwell. At first I didn’t think much of them, and I just assumed that perhaps a new tennant had temporarily left the toys there as they moved in. Then I remembered that it was 4:30 in the morning and nobody moves in that early.

Only a few toys existed: an old Mighty Mouse doll, a Smokey the Bear doll and a tin rocket ship. The stuffed animals were in pretty ragged shape, but the rocket is in excellent condition. Aside from the astronaut’s head, “television”, and various small parts of the rocket, the toy is all metal. It has a battery compartment which looks to hold “C” or “D” cell batteries, but I have not yet tried it out.

I’ve Googled various phrases and searched on eBay, but I haven’t been able to uncover any further information about the toy. I’m curious about it, especially since it’s in really good shape. It makes me wonder why anyone would just abandon it in an apartment stairwell.

Afishionados,

Remember the Navy Cash Card program? Well, it’s up and running onboard the Lincoln, now. The card slots on the vending machines have LCD screens that scroll and flash little messages across them.

One of the vending machines sells cigarettes. I had to look twice at the machine’s scrolling LCD panel, because I wasn’t sure that I was reading it correctly. Upon closer examination, it turns out I had.

The LCD message was simple: “Hungry?”

Afishionados,

These next few weeks may be quiet around here for a while. The powers that be onboard the Lincoln have decided that the Reactor Department needs to be in a Port and Starboard duty section. What this means is that I have duty (i.e. a watch or some other “job”) every other day. But wait, there’s more! The even higher powers that be have determined that the Reactor Department also needs to do a “fast cruise”.

“What’s a fast cruise?”, I hear you asking.

A fast cruise is where the ship goes absolutely nowhere but you pretend that you are at sea. So I am stuck onboard the the world’s most evil and most hated ship until Friday or Saturday. Joy. I may get a half day off this weekend, but then this process starts all over again. There is no end in sight as to when this schedule is projected to end.

I better go. My cell is dark and the candle I made from my earwax and dental floss is just about burnt out. Gotta save some more for later this week.

The sticker in question.

Afishionados,

While driving home from a bookstore today, a red Pontiac Grand Prix raced up beside me and wanted me to roll down the window.

After doing so, a man with a shaved head asks:

“Are you in the military?”

“Yea, what of it?”

“Do you realize that you’re breaking the law?”, he says.

“Ummm… no?” I wasn’t speeding. All my tail lights worked. My registration on my plates was current. What was this guy talking about?

Baldy replies, “That sticker on your car. You can’t have it on your car. Are you in the military?”

I thought we had gone over this? Did you not hear me the first time? And then I saw it. An Army sticker. Clearly I was dealing with a moron.

“Well if he wasn’t such an asshole maybe I wouldn’t have to put stickers like that on my car.”

“You better pray that your commander doesn’t ever see it,” he threatens.

Laughing at him, I reply, “Yea, thanks, I’ll pray. Fuck you.”

My only regret is that he couldn’t drive behind me longer, so that he could read my other sticker, too.

Afishionados,

Today I had training on the Navy’s latest great idea: Making a cashless ship.

Instead of cash, the USS Abraham Lincoln will partake in the new Navy Cash Card program.

It works just like a credit card and has pretty much all the same features. Soon, it will be the only way to purchase items from the ship’s store and vending machines. I have my own apprehensions about the system, but we’ll see.

Anyhoo, the training was given by a young, skinny, personnelman who obviously didn’t prepare or rehearse his spiel whatsoever. Listening to him literally repeat himself drove me to the point of wanting to bitch slap him across the Puget Sound.

The biggest problem with the training was the fact that the new Navy Cash card consists of a “chip account” and a “strip account”. Essentially, the card has two sub-accounts independent of one another for purchases. The strip account can be used anyplace that takes Visa/Mastercard, whereas the chip account is what’s used in all the vending machines and the ship’s store.

I say this is a problem because “strip” and “chip” rhyme. Throw into the mix that I work on a “ship” and the personnelman repeated himself all too frequently and you get something kinda like this:

“Soon, we’re going to equip the ship with the new Navy Cash Card. The card is equipped with a chip account and a strip account. When we take our next trip on the ship, keep your card near your hip. To prevent losing it I recommend a clip. You can transfer funds from the chip to the strip for use off the ship. Or you can transfer funds from the strip to the chip, but only while onboard the ship.

If you get thirsty on the ship, just skip to the vending machines. If you insert your card into the machine and it doesn’t work, look for the chip. It’s likely you just inserted the card backwards and you need to give it a flip to slide in the chip. Once completed, grab your soda with a grip, hold it up to your lip, and take a sip.”

I swear the whole session sounded like it was given by Dr. Seuss.

Afishionados,

While performing the ritual of “field daying¹” onboard USS Abraham Lincoln, I happened upon a brochure discussing how awesome² Naval Station Everett (NSE) is. I glanced through it and scanned, for your entertainment, the best parts and finest offerings that the base has to provide.

First, the MWR director (seen here after sharting his pants) was kind enough to welcome me at the front of the brochure with an expression of joy that would put even the most skilled Wal-Mart Greeter to shame. Based on his expression alone, I wonder if he served any prison time or really ingested all those fetuses in the first place.

The galley on base is really a small restaurant known as the “All American Restaurant”. The food and dining experiences are much, much better than those on the ship³. Whether you favor Mountain Dew or Wine with your regurgitated noodles matters not, as both are readily available at the All American. It’s always nice to sit down and experience a relatively quiet meal with - AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT IN THE WINDOW??!! THE ALIENS HAVE LANDED AND ARE AFTER US!!! RRRRUUUUUUNNNNN!!!!

Child care services are available to all sailors in the extremely likely event that they will be working long hours in a completely different city than that of CVN-72’s home port. The only stipulation? You must be British.

No base is complete without recreational events. What does NSE have to offer? I have no idea. But this photo sure got my attention and I am all for participating in this event. Shooting gigantic man-eating birds with slingshots? What the hell does this photo really represent? Who cares! Death to Birds!

¹Translation: cleaning for 15 minutes and tryin to look busy for the remaining 2:45.

²And by “awesome”, I mean Not.

³Sitting in a wet diaper and eating grass is probably more favorable than eating onboard the ship, so this isn’t saying a whole helluva lot.

Afishionados,

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of you! Thanks for your comments, jabs, jokes, and support over the past year. The Fish wouldn’t be the same without you and I hope you stick around for 2007.

The phrase “I’ve been busy at work” does not even begin to explain how crazy it is right now onboard CVN-72, which is why the Fish has been quiet these many days. I am currently on three section duty, which means every three nights I have to stay the night on the ship and stand watch. Needless to say, I haven’t been home much and when I am home, I’ve been too tired to say much.

Fortunately, strings have been pulled and deals have been made where I am off until December 26th. So, without further delay, onto new business!

I’ve been promoted to Petty Officer Second Class (E-5). After many weeks of rescheduling, the Lincoln’s advancement ceremony finally took place this afternoon. Hopefully I’ll be getting paid for it soon as well, though that’s not the best part about getting promoted. Perhaps the most beneficial element is the fact that I no longer have to ride the theoretical bus from Everett to Bremerton. E-5 and above are authorized to ride the theoretical private ferry that theoretically leaves directly from base and is a straight shot to Bremerton. Whereas traffic through Seattle is bumper to bumper every day, the ferry is on open water and can save anywhere from 20-40+ minutes off my daily commute.

But that’s not my favorite part of making ET2. The absolute best part about the promotion is that I once again outrank my brother in the Marines! (He was all too excited to point out at his wedding in July that he made E-4.)

Unfortunately, for what I believe is the third time, the USMC has decided to keep my brother in Iraq for yet another Christmas, so I won’t be able to share my good fortune with him this holiday season. I doubt very much that I could have made it this far without his support, advice, and “rivalry” ;-).

Drew, I will once again miss you very much this Christmas but I want you to know that I am thinking about you more than you will ever know. Be careful, stay safe, and come home soon you damn jarhead. I love you, buddy.

Click Here to Watch Drew’s Video (Link opens in a new window)

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