Put this one into a crate and bury it in a huge warehouse. Please!

Afishionados,

This review is spoiler free.

I spent the Memorial Day morning at the theater with my brother-in-law. We saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I’ll save you the trouble of spending your precious gas money on the movie: it’s shit.

Lucas and Spielberg set a precedent in terms of bad Indiana Jones movies with Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom but if ever there was a contender, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is it. Shamelessly steal Take a “plot” (in the *absolute* loosest sense of the word) straight out of The X-Files, add a whip, a fedora, and Harrison Ford, and you pretty much have Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Granted, I had extremely low expectations for this film. Let’s face it, Harrison Ford isn’t getting any younger and it’s been 19 years since Indy’s last adventure (pun intended). To make matters worse, the beloved actor Denholm Elliot (Marcus Brody) died in 1992 and Sean Connery retired, so needless to say neither make a physical appearance in the film. The fatherly squabbles between Indy and Henry Jones Sr. from The Last Crusade really added to that film’s achievement in terms of it being a successful sequel. They added a new dimension to the Indiana Jones character that audiences had never seen before.

Unfortunately for Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, there are no such scenes anywhere to be found. Sure, there are homages to the Henry Jones Sr. character, but it’s a far cray from the character himself. And while Marcus Brody provided some excellent comic relief (especially in the third film), Kingdom comes up stale once again. Most of the characters from Kingdom are far too one-dimensional, so the audience never connects nor cares about what ultimately happens to them.

The “plot” also lacks any Nazis whatsoever. Yes, I understand that with all the time that has passed, Indy can’t fight Nazis. But come on! That’s an iconic part of the Indiana Jones character. He even says it himself. “Nazis! I hate these guys!” Fighting the “Ruskies” just isn’t the same.

Shia Labeouf’s character is one of Indy’s better sidekicks, and Labeouf plays the part rather well. I liked Labeouf in Transformers, and while he’s not as funny in Indy 4, his performance was really good. He’s the only new character in the Indy universe that I liked.

It’s also all-too-apparent that George Lucas had *way* too much input in this latest installment. I think Kingdom has more CG than the Star Wars prequels. And for what? It certainly doesn’t help the throwaway “plot” at all.

Last but not least, the music of Kingdom. Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Last Crusade had excellent, original scores. (I can’t vouch for Temple of Doom because I hated that movie, have only seen it a few times, and don’t remember the soundtrack at all.) The Raiders March is featured in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, but there is absolutely no originality here. When Peter Jackson hired Howard Shore to compose music for The Lord of the Rings, he made it clear that each film should have a memorable theme to it. If you can’t hum it and remember it, it’s no good. I’m inclined to agree with Jackson. Aside from the revisit to the Raiders March, the music of Kingdon is largely forgettable.

There are so many things that are just wrong, bad, missing, or unnecessary with Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Think of it like Tomb Raider without all the boobage. Unfortunately, I can’t say much else without revealing the “plot.” Suffice to say that if you like The X-Files and made-for-TV movies, then Kingdom of the Crystal Skull will not disappoint. Well, it will, but it’s your own fault if you set out to see this putrid turd of a movie.

One Festering Fedora out of Five.
☆

I found this gem at my local bookstore and simply had to take a photo to share. I wish I had $23.00 so I could watch this. You just know it’s gotta be so cheesy and bad that it’s worth watching. I hope it gets released in IMAX 3D at some point.

So, if you and your loved one are looking to spice things up, look no further. They even give you two pairs of 3D glasses. All you’ll need is a nice box of wine. And someone as desperate as you to watch this stupid movie with.

The bookstore also carries Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter. I would LOVE to watch this one, too. But it saddens me to say that I don’t think it comes in a 3D version.

I have always loved Ellen Page’s performance in anything I’ve ever seen her in (She’s GREAT in Hard Candy and Mouth to Mouth). If you’re scratching your head and asking yourself, “Who’s Ellen Page?”, then shame on you, because it means you haven’t yet seen Juno.

Juno is a indie movie from Fox Searchlight Pictures that was quietly released this holiday season but is really generating a buzz. And for good reason, as Juno could (and should) be the dark horse for the Best Actress Oscar at this year’s Academy Awards. It is, without a doubt, the best film that I have seen all year and, as far as I am concerned, should win the Oscar for Best Picture of the Year.

The film is about a sarcastic and cynical 16-year-old girl named Juno MacGuff (perfectly portrayed by the wonderful and adorable Ellen Page) who finds herself pregnant after her first sexual experience with her quirky best friend, Paulie Bleeker (who goes by “Bleeker” and is played by Michal Cera). After tossing around the idea of abortion, Juno instead decides to give the baby up for adoption to a loving and well-deserving couple, the Lorings (Jennifer Garner and Jason Bateman), whom she discovers in a local newspaper with the help of her girlfriend, Leah (Olivia Thirlby).

The film follows Juno’s trials and tribulations with her pregnancy, family, the Lorings, school, and everything in between. Juno’s father (J.K. Simmons) and stepmother (Allison Janney) aren’t exactly pleased with the news of Juno’s unexpected pregnancy, but agree to help her deal with her situation as best they can. Simmons is as wonderful as ever as Juno’s father, and Janney plays the part of stepmother beautifully. I can’t imagine a better choice in the casting of Juno’s parents.

It’s Ellen Page, though, that makes this film truly shine. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, could have been Juno MacGuff except her. She’s always tremendous in her roles, but this is by far the best of her career. She’s absolutely fabulous, and I wouldn’t be surprised if her career really “took off” from here. (Ellen already has a successful career, but I mean “take off” in the sense that more people will recognize her and cast in in more mainstream films, as the majority of her work is independent films.)

Another high point is Juno’s dialogue, which is actually written as though a real 16-year-old would be saying the words that come out of Juno’s mouth. It’s rare for Hollywood to accurately portray teenagers from the real world, and even more rare for those teens to have true-to-life dialogue. Thankfully, Juno doesn’t suffer from either of these Hollywood plights. And not only is the dialogue well written, much of it is both positively hysterical (or touching, when the scene requires it).

Juno is the most fun,
most humorous, and certainly the most touching movie that I’ve seen in a long, long, LONG time. It will make you laugh, and it will surely tug at your heart. I can’t even remember the last time that I saw a film that literally made me feel good after watching it, nor a film that has made me so quickly want to watch it over again. Juno is a welcome breath of fresh air in a world of ongoing special effects blockbuster disappointments, and a painful reminder that I live in an area of the world without a really good indie theater.

There’s simply no other way to put it: Juno is outstanding and definitely a movie that shouldn’t be missed.

Four Bundles of Joy out of Four.

Afishionados,

There is a remake in the works of the 1963 Alfred Hitchcock classic film The Birds. Typically, I am not a fan of remakes (or re-imaginings), especially of classic films that were just fine the first time around. I did like Ocean’s 11 (though I have never seen the original) and I like the new version of The Parent Trap better than the old one. But I don’t think that anyone needs to remake The Birds. I think it will go the way of the Tim Burton flop The Planet of the Apes or the abysmal Tim Allen’s version of The Shaggy Dog. This unfortunate trend may only be tiered to movies involving people named “Tim”, however, as I now see a pattern…

I’m no fan of birds, but the original version of The Birds helps my cause in showing the world just how evil these creatures are. If you aren’t scared of birds, you should be. They’ll peck your fucking eyes out, I promise you. Right after they’re done shitting on your car. Or head.

There’s no information as to what the new Birds movie plot is, but it won’t be as good as Hitchcock’s. And one reason for that is because Tippi Hedren can’t star in it.

Tippi Hedren’s first starring role was in The Birds. She was only 33 years old and she looked smoking HOT. That’s reason enough to watch the movie right there. I suppose she could make a cameo in the new version, but it just wouldn’t be the same. For some reason, remakes love to feature the original cast members in new roles for the remade version.

Naomi Watts is rumored to be in the new Birds. She’s a hot British born and Australian raised actress and I thought she looked stunning in the new King Kong. She was also a MILF in the overrated and terribly-sound-designed horror flick, The Ring. but she’s no 33-year-old Tippi Hedren. And I don’t think there is anyone out there among today’s actresses who looks even remotely like her. Surely not her own daughter, who will never ever ever ever EVER be a GILF.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Jeezus that fucking photo is hideous and terrifying. My eyes are burning and have melted into my lap. The apple didn’t just fall far from the tree, it landed in a pile of fresh dog shit hundreds of yards away and cross-pollenated with a fugly tree. I can’t even believe they share some of the same genes.

There, now that’s MUCH better. Absolutely stunning. I may have to go back and watch more of her movies, because I think I have only ever seen The Birds.

I have to stop posting these photos before I wet myself.

Afishionados,

Don’t be fooled by the photo above. It’s not really AngryMan’s offspring, so don’t worry.

Have you ever seen the movie Critters? I think it’s the reason that I am so fucked up today.

Critters is like Gremlins, except that it’s less comedy and way less cool. The lack of plot involves evil space alien “hedgehogs” called Krites that come to Earth and eat people on a hillbilly family’s farm. Two bounty hunters (also from space) come to Earth to help save the planet. It’s got to be one of the worst movies ever made.

My parents let me watch Critters when I was 5 or 6 years old. There are really only two scenes that stick out in my mind but they’ve forever fucked me up psychologically.

The hillbilly family’s son (He’s like 12 years old or something) rides his bike through the field at night to try and get help from a neighbor or something because his dad is hurt by the Krites. The Krites, of course, are also in the field and bite his pant legs and bike tires. As a kid, I always thought of this when I rode my bike at night, and to this day I still refuse to drive my car through cornfields.

Another scene has the Krites inside the hillbilly house and they’re chewing E.T.’s head off. A pleather doll of E.T., anyway. And they tear that fucker to pieces. Perhaps it would have been better if they had instead chewed off Drew Barrymore’s head, sparing us countless films with her terrible acting.

Critters spawned three sequels, but Critters 5 was unfortunately canceled. The sequels, while naturally worse than even the horrid first film in the series, were not a complete loss.

Critters 2, for example, did have two excellent points.

Afishionados,

Today was a good day. I spent the afternoon and evening with my grandma. I love her, she’s incredible. She’s in her mid eighties now but still gets around quite well and likes to go to the movies. Tonight we saw the Transformers movie together then went out for dinner. Next up this week, we’ll be seeing Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

I thought that the Transformers movie was good. I expected no plot, lots of CG special effects, and lots of action. I was not disappointed, and there was even a fair bit of humor in the film as well. I loved the Transformers toys and TV show as a kid, and I wanted to see how well the film compared to what I remember of the “old school” Transformers as a child.

My favorite Transformers growing up were Optimus Prime and Bumblebee. The movie features the original voice of Optimus Prime (the great Peter Cullen) from the cartoons, which is great because Prime’s gruff voice is one of the features that helps define him as a character. Optimus Prime without Peter Cullen would be like Darth Vader without James Earl Jones. Prime’s voice has always been great, but it simply sounds the best in surround sound.

I always liked Bumblebee because he used to be a Volkswagen Beetle and I have always liked that car. In the new film, however, he’s a Camaro because Volkswagen wouldn’t allow their beloved car to be seen transforming and blowing up other, more evil space alien robots, and therefore would not give the studio its blessing to keep Bumblebee a bug. For fans of the old Transformers, though, Bumblebee’s introduction in the film features a great inside joke with regard to this “Volkswagen change of character” situation. I thought it was funny.

Acting is what you would expect it to be: all but nonexistent. Sam (played by Shia LaBeouf) is believable as a high school nerd, and is actually funny in some scenes. Mikaela Banes (Megan Fox) plays the girlfriend/heroine and is good screen candy and little else. Jon Voight (Defense Secretary John Keller) is the worst of everyone and Josh Duhamel (Air Force Captain Lennox) shows that Captains in the Air Force are not required to have their hair cut to military standards. Oh, and his character is pointless, too.

☆☆☆☆

Four Autobots out of Five.

Speaking of movies, The Simpsons Movie has a feature on their web site where you can make yourself a character in the Simpsons universe. Here is what I would look like if I were a character in the Simpsons.

Now, go make your own Simpsons avatar. It’ free, you don’t have to register, and I want to see what you guys look like.

Afishionados,

Life at work gets worse and worse as time goes on, so when I finally do get to come home I want to relax and enjoy myself.

I tried to watch Batman Begins around 3:00 P.M. today, but I wasn’t even ten minutes into it when I get this knock on my door. It was my pissy neighbor with a cane and he wanted to bitch about his pictures on his wall shaking because my bass was “too much”.

I wouldn’t have minded the bitching if it weren’t for two simple facts:

1.) The movie was not that loud to begin with and
2.) Limpy plays his country music all the time, and it’s so loud that Hank Williams Sr. can hear it.

I think the next time I go shopping I’ll buy a Gregorian Chant CD and put it on continuous playback. I’ll turn it up just loud enough, and then spend the whole weekend in Seattle so I won’t be around even if he knocks. We’ll see how much he likes that instead of Batman.

Afishionados,

The Oscars are this Sunday and my wardrobe has finally arrived in the mail. I can’t wait to meet Keira Knightley on the red carpet wearing this baby. Oooooo she’ll be so impressed.

Many, many, MANY thanks to the peculiar and perplexing Peter Miller. Please go buy his music and artwork so that he can afford to send me more stuff in the future.

READ THESE IN THIS ORDER TO FULLY APPRECIATE THE T-SHIRT JOKE:

1. If You Only See One Film This Summer…

2. Cattle Call

3. If You Only Buy One CD This Summer…

4. Pick a Bale o’ Cotton

5. The Answers [to Pick a Bale o' Cotton]

Wondering what the hell this is all about? It helps to understand that OFAL is really only a third of a much bigger blog. To fully (mis)understand the Fish, one must also regularly read Tetherd Cow Ahead and The Joey Polanski Show. It’s an unholy alliance to be sure but the rooms in the nut house are crowded, and so we have to share.

Afishionados,

I love movie soundtracks. Quite often, the music is better than the actual film itself. I’ve selected, for your audible pleasure, a collection of 8 songs that I like from various movies. The majority of these movies aren’t all that great, but something about their soundtracks is superb.

Simply click on the WFSH image above to launch the Radio player and hear the complete versions of all the songs listed below. The player will launch in a new window, and may not work if you have pop-up blockers installed. If that is the case, here is the direct link in case you have to manually open the player in a separate window.

Please note that the player has a scroll button on the right side. You’ll have to scroll down in order to see all the songs listed.

http://www.oldfishandlemonade.com/flash_mp3_player/wfsh.html

I believe that James Horner is the greatest composer when it comes to modern day cinema. His use of choir is the best in the world. My personal favorite soundtrack by him is the Titanic soundtrack, closely followed by Braveheart. Say what you will about the Titanic movie, but Sissel’s vocals are undeniably powerful and it’s in this soundtrack where Horner truly shines. He’s also one of the few composers who can make bagpipes sound good. Because I like him the best, I’ve put Horner first on the list.

1. James Horner - Casper - Casper’s Lullaby

One of Horner’s lesser known soundtracks is Casper. I think this soundtrack is also Horner’s most underrated. His use of piano and choir in this song, the movie’s main theme, is pure magic.

2. Steve Jablonsky - The Island - My Name is Lincoln

I’ve never seen The Island, but I’m willing to bet it’s a flop. Fortunately, this song’s not. I like how the song builds up to the theme and really takes off at the end.

3. Rachel Portman - The Cider House Rules - Main Titles

I enjoyed the The Cider House Rules movie more than the book, and this soundtrack is probably the one I listen to most often. The piano is never intrusive or distracting, and I’ve done some of my best Photoshopping to Portman’s music. If you like her work, I also highly recommend the soundtrack to Chocolat.

4. David Newman - The Mighty Ducks Theme

The Mighty Ducks is not one of Disney’s timeless classics and will most likely be forgotten as time goes on. I feel like this soundtrack, especially the main theme, was wasted on this film and should have been used on something bigger, better, and more powerful. My favorite part is when the “victory theme” takes off around 2:35, followed by the horn solo of the same music.

5. Bruce Broughton - Homeward Bound - End Credits

Another decent children’s movie with a first-rate soundtrack that’s far better than the film. I saw this movie for the first time when I was around 12 years old and I’ve been able to hum the theme ever since. This soundtrack, more than any other, has been stuck in my head more times than I can count and I don’t know why. Unfortunately, the CD has long been out of print and finding a copy for an affordable price is proving difficult (All I have is an MP3 format).

6. Craig Armstrong - Love Actually - Prime Minister’s Love Theme

Any movie with Keira Knightley is worth my time, and Love Actually is no exception. Arguably my favorite “chick flick” and one I watch every Christmas. Only two songs of Craig Armstrong’s are on the soundtrack, and this one is my favorite of the two.

7. Alan Silvestri - The Parent Trap - The Parent Trap Suite

Alan Silvestri’s best music is Back to the Future, but his work on The Parent Trap is top notch. Like Horner, I believe this is Silvestri’s most underrated work (and Lindsay Lohan’s best). The suite features all the various themes used throughout the film.

8. Klaus Badelt - The Time Machine - Godspeed

The Time Machine is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. It’s also one of the best soundtracks I’ve ever heard. I’m pretty sure the Eloi at the end of the song are saying “We’re glad this movie is over and we apologize we charged you money to see it. In fact, we apologize for making it.”

Hollywood, you can keep chugging out crappy movies one after another. Just make sure that a couple of them have really good soundtracks.

Afishionados,

This news just in courtesy of ContactMusic.com:

KEVIN COSTNER has waded into the debate about controversial new movie DEATH OF A PRESIDENT, insisting British director GABRIEL RANGE failed to consider how GEORGE W BUSH’s family would react to scenes of the US President being assassinated. The DANCES WITH WOLVES star was caught up in the controversy at the Toronto Film Festival in Canada at the weekend (09-10SEP06), where he premiered his new film, THE GUARDIAN, alongside the screening of Death of A President. Movie fans reportedly sat in stunned silence at the end of Range’s screening, which featured doctored images of Bush getting shot, and Costner, who wasn’t in the audience, isn’t happy with what he’s heard about the film. He says, “It’s awfully hard if you’re his children, his wife, his mother, his dad; there’s a certain thing we can’t lose as human beings, which is empathy for maybe the hardest job in the world. “Whether we think it’s being performed right or not we can’t, like, wish… or think that’s even cute.”

Kevin Costner (posing above with high hopes that President Bush will harbor his weapon of mass destruction within his clenched butt cheeks) isn’t happy and you know what that means. Exactly, no one cares.

Where does John Dunbar Costner come off bitching about movies? Does anyone else out there remember Waterworld? Or worse yet, The Postman? If anyone should be shot in a movie, it should definitely be Ray Kinsella Kevin Costner.

“It’s awfully hard if you’re his children, his wife, his mother, his dad; there’s a certain thing we can’t lose as human beings, which is empathy for maybe the hardest job in the world.”

And, Robin Hood Mr. Costner, the same thing could be said for all the troops who’ve died for this pointless war. STFU already.