Afishionados,

Does the taste of fish bother you?

Afishionados,

Summertime is here, and I feel obligated to go over some very important safety tips. So, if you wouldn’t mind, please give me your undivided attention. No, really, this is serious. FOCUS, DAMMIT!

I appreciate you looking me right in the eyes with that look on your face. This way I know you’re paying attention. It also lets me know that you’re taking this seriously. Good

Now, some of the things that many people enjoy over the summer are sunbathing and swimming. Without proper precautions, however, you could end up looking like this:

Jesus Christ what the fuck was that? It’s one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen. Someone fetch me my gun. I’m gonna see if I can scare it back into the woods before it drinks my blood.

Hats are an excellent way to help keep the sun off you. Make sure you get a big one that even Carmen Sandiego would be proud of. Now, excuse me as I pause for a moment to admire Leighton Meester’s cleavage big hat.

Always use two hands when getting into the pool. When it’s this hot, things can get pretty slippery and wet, and you’ll want to be careful. Use both hands, get a firm grip, and gently ease yourself inside. If you’re fat and/or ugly, make sure only go swimming at night so that I don’t have to see you in a bathing suit.

Rafts can be fun, but difficult to inflate. The bigger they are, the harder you will have to blow. Always use caution. Be mindful of your surroundings and others in the pool, and try to stay abreast of the situation at all times.

By following these simple safety steps, you’ll help keep yourself out of harm’s way and your skin looking young and beautiful. You do will look better than Keira Knightley ever before! Healthy skin is important, unless you are fat and/or ugly. Should you fall into that category, you shouldn’t be in my pool in the first place.

On a completely unrelated note, I love you, Leighton Meester.

Afishionados,

You all know the famous hack photographer Anne Geddes, right? She punishes takes pictures of kids dressed as flowers, plants, and bugs and stuff because she’s a cruel advocate of child abuse. Anyway, I wondered what happened to those kids once they grew up and sprouted into adults. Are they still in the business?

Well, it turns out, some of ‘em are, apparently. Who knew?

Afishionados,

I saw some footage of John McCain tonight, and I finally realized where I’ve seen him before. Remember Poltergeist II: The Other Side? Remember that evil bastard from the movie who keeps coming after the Freeling family? I did some research on his character* and it turns out the filmmakers based his character off the real-life John McCain. You know, back when McCain was around 6,000 years old so.

Here’s a picture of Kane. See, he even looks exactly like John McCain. Of course, Hollywood had to change the spelling of the character’s name so John wouldn’t sue, but sure as shit it’s him, innit?

Oh, Tangina, where are you when we need you? Lead this fool into the light, already.

*I lied. I made it up on the spot.

Afishionados,

Target gift cards specify “Ages 1½+” in the lower right-hand corner. And, honestly, what child wouldn’t want a nice plastic gift card in place of a toy? Remember, your kids are never too young to start being a part of corporate greed!

Afishionados,

I received in the mail today one of the coolest toys in existence: the Master Chief from Halo 3. Featured by McFarlane toys, the detail on such a small figurine is rather stunning.

Not only is the Master Chief meticulously detailed down to the finest scratches and dents, he’s also very posable.

The Master Chief does have a small cursing problem, though, and enjoys quoting lines from famous movies. I think he has a Napoleon complex because he is only 6 inches tall.

You can’t make fun of me for playing with dolls action figures either, because all the cool kids are doing it.

Afishionados,

Tonight was my last night with the Photocopy Queen. A BIG HOORAY to this, as I will never take another one of her classes ever again. What an uppity bitch she is. She works in Cincinnati at some design firm but lives and commutes to Dayton to teach. So she is always¹ in a FABULOUS mood when she arrives for class at 5:30 P.M. Tonight was no different. I’m pretty sure that my class is the worst she’s ever had, which isn’t really fair because most people do their work and turn it in on time. There are a couple of people that seem to have ruined it for the rest of us. I think the real problem is that most of the students in my class have personalities and the Photocopy Queen (PQ) doesn’t.

My final project was to create an brochure or pamphlet for my musician (Mozart). The way that the PQ wanted us to design the project was just as retarded as all her other “ideas”. Create a really nice comprehensive mockup and then (any guesses?) photocopy it for the final piece. If you have to, you may glue additional elements to your final piece as necessary.

I love this post

No, I didn’t make a typo. You read that correctly. I said “glue”. Who the hell glues things into a FINAL brochure project? I can understand gluing two prints together to form a brochure, but I would never in a million years glue something inside a finished piece.

There is also a serious problem with students using images they found online inside their brochures. Copyright issues aside, the biggest problem with this is that the images are typically at resolutions of 72 dpi (dots per inch). This looks great on your monitor, but looks like total shit when you print it out. But nobody seems to be able to grasp this concept and of course the PQ never explained it to anyone. To better understand how poor 72 dpi is for printing, consider that a newspaper is about 150 dpi and most printed material you see (magazines, photos, books…etc.) is 300 dpi or better.

My classmates can be thankful that I am not their professor, because I would fail you instantly for using pixelated images in any final work that you turn into me. Instant F, no questions asked. I am a resolution Nazi.

I created my whole project by cheating with Photoshop at 300 dpi so it looked perfect when printed. I created a cover and back from scratch using an old leather texture. The cover should look familiar, because it’s what I was working on when I decided to redo Old Fish and Lemonade’s appearance. It even uses the same font.

All the burns, stains, and “spine crease” were added by me. There is also a gradient and burnt effect added to the text, in addition to separate stains for the W and the A (Wolfgang Amadeus, in case you were wondering). I “carved” the corner pieces out of a brass texture and added stains and cracks to them to make them look older as well.

There were 16 panel pieces in total, but these are the parts of the brochure that I like the best so I’m not showing you the other 6. The brochure unfolds to this “mini poster” made up of the interior 8 panels.

Notice the return of my flowery violin pattern! I wanted to use it somewhere in my final project and I’m glad I did. Also notice that the treble clef is stained inside and slightly blurred to look like an antique drawing or print. The text over Mozart’s head is a snippet from a biography paper we had to write about our musician and is typed in one of my favorite fonts. I added a slight golden glow to the text to make it look older, stained, and easier to read. The quote is from Mozart and is meant as a jab to the PQ and her ignorant beliefs about photocopying everything. I think my approach is better than hers.

The final brochure is 8.5 inches high and 17 inches wide. I printed the two parts on a plotter and used a spray adhesive (Barbaro in a can) to stick them together. I trimmed the edges so that they lined up then folded it together so it ultimately became a 4.25 inch brochure that unfolds into a poster. No glue or photocopying required!

Perhaps I am too conceited, but my brochure was one of the VERY few brochures that didn’t suck horribly. It really did look better than everyone else’s and I’m glad that I used the computer and Photoshop, despite the bitching of the PQ.

¹Never

Afishionados,

Longtime readers may have noticed that I have, on occasion, mentioned Keira Knightley at least once or twice here on OFAL. But I think it might actually be time to retire her as my celebrity crush of choice.

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Instead, I think I’ve fallen in love with Leighton Meester. I first saw Leighton when she was a guest star on a couple episodes of HOUSE, M.D. I can’t remember all the specifics, but some disease or something caused her to have a crush on Greg House, the main character of the show. The reason I can’t remember the plot is because Leighton is incredibly hot and she had on a thong. You’d have to be gay to pay more attention to the story than to Leighton. She was blond on HOUSE, but she looks good with any color hair. Mmmmmm, gorgeous.

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Leighton currently stars on the CW’s new Gossip Girl show alongside another hot actress, Blake Lively.

Blake got her “big” start by playing Bridget in the movie The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants with another hot (former CW) actress, Alexis Bledel. But the first time I saw Blake was in the movie Accepted with that guy who plays the Mac on all the Apple ads.

Blake is good looking, it’s true, but I still prefer Leighton. Of course, I wouldn’t say no to bringing the meat to this love sandwich. This isn’t really the greatest photo of Blake Lively (well, except for her legs), but this post isn’t all about her, now, is it? No, it’s about Leighton.

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I seem to fall for people with very symmetrical faces. That are beautiful. And skinny. Like Leighton.

Now, I know some of you out there are only into huge fat chicks and are going to bitch and complain that Leighton, like Keira, is too skinny. And to that I say fuck you, you’re wrong. And probably gay and/or blind as well.

Yea, she’s not Australian, but she’s still incredible looking. But maybe I can convince her to move there with me. And I like her character on the show. She plays a conniving bitch, but she plays it really well. Yea, that’s right, I said it, I watch Gossip Girl. Say what you want, but it’s full of hot chicks so it’s not gay. Don’t worry, though. For those of you who are gay, there are guys on the show, too.

Leighton, I love you.

On the other hand, Keira did look really damn good in Pride and Prejudice. And Bend it Like Beckham. And every other movie she’s ever been in. Damn, this is such a difficult choice.

Keira, I love you, too.

Afishionados,

What this world needs (and by world I mean Australia and the United States) is a plan that allows citizens of one country (and by citizens I mean me and only me) to exchange citizenship with citizens of another. A one-for-one kinda deal.

There’s gotta be someone dumb crazy enough to want to leave Australia and move here, right? Plus, I can really help out some of Australia’s citizens.

Look at this woman, for example. She’s posted to the Singles ads because there aren’t enough nice guys in Australia for her to date. Since the US and A seems all about being the world police, I feel it’s my duty to help out this damsel in distress.

She needs a boyfriend and who am I to say no? I am now accepting donations to help the fundraising necessary to complete my plan. I accept all major credit cards, PayPal, Checks, Money Order, and anything I can sell for cash, including but not limited to: your first born child, addictive drugs and medication, and novelty Star Wars toys from the 70s.

Maybe I should get Angela Lansbury to do my commercials, too. You know, have her look all mopey and depressed, walk around crowds of Australian women, and have her say lines like, “For just 10 cents a day, you can make these hot Australian women’s dreams come true.” I think it could work.

Remember, it’s not about helping me, it’s about helping others. So please help by donating today!

Afishionados,

I spent yesterday afternoon with some family members and one weird Wisconsin fan watching the Ohio State game. I am not a football fan and never really have been. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t know most of the rules. I will also be the first to admit that I also don’t care what the rules are. I am pretty sure that football would still suck, even if I did learn everything.

I’ve watched a lot of football games, but they have never entertained me. Usually it’s a Super Bowl party and I am just there for the free food. I just don’t understand how so many people can be so infatuated with something that is nothing more than homoerotic male bonding + ballet.

First, the uniforms. Must they be so tight? I’m not saying you have to run around in robes and shit, but come on. Nobody likes when a fat woman wears spandex. But it’s okay for a herd of 300 pound men to wear tighter-than-tight pants? And what’s with all the ass tapping? I don’t want to pat a man on the ass, but it seems like a requirement for football. Blatantly placing one’s hand (or any part thereof) upon another man’s butt cheek is a homosexual act. And that’s fine if you’re into that sort of thing.

The game primarily focuses on these huge guys running around, sweating, and hugging each other. That’s pretty much it. And nothing exciting ever happens. Sure, one of the players will grab the “ball” (which it isn’t) and run hundreds of yards to score a touchdown.

He might be a fast runner, yes, but he’s just gotta outrun those huge gargantuan guys who are trying to fondle tackle him. What is so special about that? Even a New Beetle can outrun a Semi. Plus, a lot of those football cheerleaders are really hot. Why not run after them instead? Why chase the fat dude in the tight pants?

The game also takes hundreds of hours to play. Here’s how this is broken down: The whole ballet team huddles to talk about their next move and how awesome everyone is doing with their toe point and dance routine. Then they form a line, which they hope to touch, grab, and hug other members of the opposing ballet squad. A magical clock is started, runs for 30 seconds or so, and then stops. So even though football has four quarters around 15 minutes long, the clock only runs in 30 second increments.

In between these increments, former ballet players talk about their own glory days, what the new dancers are doing wrong, how great the new ballerinas are doing, and who they think is going to win and why based on their dance routines. A great deal of time is also spent nitpicking video replays of everyone, just in case you missed anything that happened within that 30 second window.

And then there is the mystical flag. At the start of the play, someone always fucks up. It doesn’t matter who or what, but it’s inevitable. You will know when someone fucks up because the Hamburglar comes out of nowhere and throws down his all-powerful flag. He then stops the clock, walks onto the field, and does the dumbest mime impersonation that you’ve ever seen. A lot of people can’t pat their head and rub their stomach at the same time, but the Hamburglar does this on a regular basis. And then, of course, because the clock is stopped, the television has to flash over to the middle-aged commentators arguing about who did or did not fuck up and was the Hamburglar’s call valid.

Eventually, one of the dance teams will win and the crowd will go apeshit. Some TV reporter will then find a dancer who made a great play during the game and ask them the same, retarded questions that are always asked:

“Ballet Man, you guys looked tough out there today! Why do you think your team won?”

The correct answer, of course, is this: “Because our team scored more points than the other team.” But the ballet squad is not allowed or is otherwise incapable of simply stating the truth, so they must reply with bullshit.

“Well, TV guy, our opponents really brought it today and they played a great game. Our team has been working hard and we’ve been really focused, and I think we just came together today and really pulled through. We’ve got some great players on our side who have a lot of talent and we have a lot of great coaching, and I think it could be a good year for us.”

At least the Super Bowl has entertaining commercials.