Afishionados,

A friend of mine mentioned that he’ll be visiting The Creation Museum. Not because he’s religious or believes any of it, but because there’s really nothing good playing in theaters and he needs a good laugh.

I didn’t even realize that there was a creationist museum. But apparently it’s true, and it’s in Kentucky, which, I guess, makes sense because Kentucky isn’t the brightest state in the Union. It’s only about an hour from my house, and I’m tempted to visit myself. I’m not sure I can justify handing over the $20 admission fee, though. It just feels… dirty. At least I know I’m being had before I go in, you know? But I guess there are people out there who believe this shit is for real. I think I’d rather visit Disney World. At least Disney World admits it’s just a fantasy.

Despite the fact that I know it’s all a farce, my curiosity led me to their web site. Imagine my surprise when I was greeted with this on the front page!

Well, shit! This changes EVERYTHING! You mean if I visit the Creation Museum I get to pet friggin’ dinosaurs?!?! Dang! I’m so there!

The museum even has an answer for the existence of dinosaurs. See? People used to ride them! Never mind the fact that no archaeologist has ever uncovered the existence of a dinosaur saddle because this proves that it’s true. This is an exact replica of the dinosaur that Mary rode to Bethlehem. And you thought she rode a donkey! By the way, Creationists, I think you owe royalties to the very talented Mr. James Gurney. You totally ripped him off, and his fantasy stories are WAY better.

The museum was designed by some former exhibit director for Universal Studios. And it shows, because all the dinosaurs on display look exactly like those from Jurassic Park (a Universal Studios movie), right down to their sculpting, paint jobs, and inaccuracies. The velociraptors, for example, are the same 6 foot size as they were in the JP film. In reality, velociraptors, while 6 feet long, were only about 1.5 to 2 feet in height. While I’m not surprised that the Creationists got this ‘minor’ detail wrong, it just goes to show you that they really did steal the models from Jurassic Park.

Rest assured, should I ever visit, I’ll definitely take my camera along to the Petting Zoo and take pictures of all the cool dinosaurs. My first stop, though, will be stopping by Jesus’ cage. For some reason, it just seems polite to pet him first.

Afishionados,

Lotsa folks out there are big supporters of Barack Obama. They’ve all got their reasons, but I’m here to ask you just one question:

Is another black man in Washington D.C. begging for change really what this country needs?

Do the right thing. Vote Polanski.

Afishionados,

Afishionados,

Wash your hands because the claptrap is spreading…

Afishionados,

Once upon a time there lived an evil bitch. She was short and had red hair and she was very annoying.

The evil bitch was married to an Awesome King, but filed to leave him when the King was out of the castle visiting a family member that had just come back from the Crusades.

The evil bitch lacked any self confidence, so she made friends with idiots more easily than most. The idiots and the evil bitch liked to hang out and talk about how pointless their existence really was.

As a means to deal with her incompetence, the evil bitch turned to alcohol. This caused her to throw up in the King’s castle and pass out on the floor.

The evil bitch’s mother was even worse. Her mother was a rare species known throughout the land as an Ubercunt: A vicious creature that is known to suffer from hypochondria, laziness, drug addiction, and the Lifetime television network.

The evil bitch was completely incapable of ever saying “NO” to the Ubercunt. Anything the Ubercunt asked of the evil bitch, the evil bitch did. No matter what. After deciding to leave the Awesome King, the evil bitch teamed up with the Ubercunt to try and displease the Awesome King. Much like their own lives, their attempts were futile and pointless.

One day, the Awesome King received a packet of bullshit paperwork from the Ubercunt and the evil bitch. It had been sent via another feared beast, known as a Loiyar. As it turned out, the Ubercunt and the evil bitch had been reading His Majesty’s Royal Blog! Unfortunately for the Ubercunt and the evil bitch, His Almighty Highness the Awesome King had expected this all along, and so he had been careful as to what he should post about.

The packet of bullshit paperwork contained reproductions of the Awesome King’s posts about his new cell phone and his new Adobe software for school, along with complaints as to the funding of such niceties. The Awesome King never admitted to paying for these niceties himself, and so the cries of the Ubercunt and evil bitch were silenced. If only they could be silenced forever.

As long as the Ubercunt and the evil bitch are reading the Awesome King’s blog, they may as well also know that the Awesome King has recently acquired the brand spankin’ new Apple operating system, Mac OS X 10.5 Leopard a full two days earlier than the general public. And there is absolutely no way in hell that the Awesome King will ever send the Ubercunt and the evil bitch a copy for their *outdated* iMac.

And the Awesome King continued to live on, happier than ever without the evil bitch around.

Afishionados,

I dunno if I am still gaspin fer my bloggin breff, but SOMEONE’s gotta keep campaigning around here.

Click for full size. Oh, and the inspiration comes from the famous Presidential Candidate himself.

Afishionados,

Apparently a decent percentage of our population believes that the human body can become possessed by a demon. What does this say about society? That people are inherently foolish?

I wonder what the world would be like if we didn’t have religion. (I, for one, would miss Ned Flanders and the Church Lady.) We couldn’t blame demons for taking control of us. Hmmmm… Who else could be condemn and hold accountable then? Republicans? Nah, pretty much the same thing as a demon.

If, by chance, you find yourself possessed by a demon, do me a favor. First, don’t waste your time by paying for an exorcist. Go join a fitness club and work out. This way, you’ll get more oxygen to your brain, which should greatly increase the probability that you’ll come to realize that you are not, in fact, possessed, but are instead just an idiot.

If you simpy must believe in exorcism and still feel that you are possessed, remember: You can always save a couple extra bucks by going to Home Depot, buying a two-by-four, and beating the demon out of your own head.

The fact that people buy into exorcism scares me more than the demons.

Afishionados,

These next few weeks may be quiet around here for a while. The powers that be onboard the Lincoln have decided that the Reactor Department needs to be in a Port and Starboard duty section. What this means is that I have duty (i.e. a watch or some other “job”) every other day. But wait, there’s more! The even higher powers that be have determined that the Reactor Department also needs to do a “fast cruise”.

“What’s a fast cruise?”, I hear you asking.

A fast cruise is where the ship goes absolutely nowhere but you pretend that you are at sea. So I am stuck onboard the the world’s most evil and most hated ship until Friday or Saturday. Joy. I may get a half day off this weekend, but then this process starts all over again. There is no end in sight as to when this schedule is projected to end.

I better go. My cell is dark and the candle I made from my earwax and dental floss is just about burnt out. Gotta save some more for later this week.

Effeeshiunedus,

I sev a cummerceeel oon telefeesiun tuneeght fur zee Svedeesh Medeecel Center. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! I vunder vhet zee ducturs zeere-a luuk leeke-a? I feegoore-a sumetheeng keend ooff leeke-a thees. Um gesh dee bork, bork! I hupe-a zee ducturs ere-a better et medeecine-a thun zeey ere-a et cuukeeng.

Afishionados,

The Oscars are this Sunday and my wardrobe has finally arrived in the mail. I can’t wait to meet Keira Knightley on the red carpet wearing this baby. Oooooo she’ll be so impressed.

Many, many, MANY thanks to the peculiar and perplexing Peter Miller. Please go buy his music and artwork so that he can afford to send me more stuff in the future.

READ THESE IN THIS ORDER TO FULLY APPRECIATE THE T-SHIRT JOKE:

1. If You Only See One Film This Summer…

2. Cattle Call

3. If You Only Buy One CD This Summer…

4. Pick a Bale o’ Cotton

5. The Answers [to Pick a Bale o' Cotton]

Wondering what the hell this is all about? It helps to understand that OFAL is really only a third of a much bigger blog. To fully (mis)understand the Fish, one must also regularly read Tetherd Cow Ahead and The Joey Polanski Show. It’s an unholy alliance to be sure but the rooms in the nut house are crowded, and so we have to share.