Afishionados,

Well, just another exciting day for me today. You know, the usual stuff: wake up early, drive to school, attend class, drive to Indiana, hang out with Missy Higgins again… Yep, just the usual for me.

I don’t think I look half as retarded in this photo as I do in my first photo with Missy. Of course, I didn’t have to drive five hours this time to see her, either, so I wasn’t nearly as tired as before. Still, I think I rarely take a good (or even decent) photo, but I think this one came out pretty well. Plus, Missy is the attractive one in the picture, and everyone’s eyes will be focused on her and not me, anyway. Besides, her expression in this photo is positively adorable.

Missy’s traveling with two other bands right now and her spring tour debuted in Indianapolis, Indiana tonight. Thankfully, Missy got to play first in the queue. Unfortunately, the other two bands had to play as well, so her show was much shorter than the last five times I’ve seen her. I expected this going in, but her performance, as always, was top notch.

Immediately upon finishing her act, Missy headed straight to her huge, black tour bus. A small group of us had to pry her (nicely, of course) from the bus and beg her to sign autographs and take photos. I think there were only 6 or 7 of us altogether. Obviously I don’t know Missy personally (despite my best efforts and six concerts later ;-)) but she still comes across as very sweet, innocent, caring, well-rounded, and extremely down-to-earth person. She is also one of the most shy people that I have ever met. Missy wasn’t upset or mad or anything about the guy knocking on the bus’ glass and asking her to come out (and no, it wasn’t me that did that).

Unlike the concert in October, I worked up enough courage to actually say more than two words to her. I told Missy that she was my favorite musician ever and that I loved her music. I also thanked her for touring the USA and confessed that I’ve driven to see her in concert each and every time that she visits. Missy simply smiled, waved to me, and said, “Well, see you the next time, then!” And with that, she climbed back aboard her bus and was gone.

Afishionados,

Longtime readers may have noticed that I have, on occasion, mentioned Keira Knightley at least once or twice here on OFAL. But I think it might actually be time to retire her as my celebrity crush of choice.

Instead, I think I’ve fallen in love with Leighton Meester. I first saw Leighton when she was a guest star on a couple episodes of HOUSE, M.D. I can’t remember all the specifics, but some disease or something caused her to have a crush on Greg House, the main character of the show. The reason I can’t remember the plot is because Leighton is incredibly hot and she had on a thong. You’d have to be gay to pay more attention to the story than to Leighton. She was blond on HOUSE, but she looks good with any color hair. Mmmmmm, gorgeous.

Leighton currently stars on the CW’s new Gossip Girl show alongside another hot actress, Blake Lively.

Blake got her “big” start by playing Bridget in the movie The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants with another hot (former CW) actress, Alexis Bledel. But the first time I saw Blake was in the movie Accepted with that guy who plays the Mac on all the Apple ads.

Blake is good looking, it’s true, but I still prefer Leighton. Of course, I wouldn’t say no to bringing the meat to this love sandwich. This isn’t really the greatest photo of Blake Lively (well, except for her legs), but this post isn’t all about her, now, is it? No, it’s about Leighton.

I seem to fall for people with very symmetrical faces. That are beautiful. And skinny. Like Leighton.

Now, I know some of you out there are only into huge fat chicks and are going to bitch and complain that Leighton, like Keira, is too skinny. And to that I say fuck you, you’re wrong. And probably gay and/or blind as well.

Yea, she’s not Australian, but she’s still incredible looking. But maybe I can convince her to move there with me. And I like her character on the show. She plays a conniving bitch, but she plays it really well. Yea, that’s right, I said it, I watch Gossip Girl. Say what you want, but it’s full of hot chicks so it’s not gay. Don’t worry, though. For those of you who are gay, there are guys on the show, too.

Leighton, I love you.

On the other hand, Keira did look really damn good in Pride and Prejudice. And Bend it Like Beckham. And every other movie she’s ever been in. Damn, this is such a difficult choice.

Keira, I love you, too.

Afishionados,

There is a remake in the works of the 1963 Alfred Hitchcock classic film The Birds. Typically, I am not a fan of remakes (or re-imaginings), especially of classic films that were just fine the first time around. I did like Ocean’s 11 (though I have never seen the original) and I like the new version of The Parent Trap better than the old one. But I don’t think that anyone needs to remake The Birds. I think it will go the way of the Tim Burton flop The Planet of the Apes or the abysmal Tim Allen’s version of The Shaggy Dog. This unfortunate trend may only be tiered to movies involving people named “Tim”, however, as I now see a pattern…

I’m no fan of birds, but the original version of The Birds helps my cause in showing the world just how evil these creatures are. If you aren’t scared of birds, you should be. They’ll peck your fucking eyes out, I promise you. Right after they’re done shitting on your car. Or head.

There’s no information as to what the new Birds movie plot is, but it won’t be as good as Hitchcock’s. And one reason for that is because Tippi Hedren can’t star in it.

Tippi Hedren’s first starring role was in The Birds. She was only 33 years old and she looked smoking HOT. That’s reason enough to watch the movie right there. I suppose she could make a cameo in the new version, but it just wouldn’t be the same. For some reason, remakes love to feature the original cast members in new roles for the remade version.

Naomi Watts is rumored to be in the new Birds. She’s a hot British born and Australian raised actress and I thought she looked stunning in the new King Kong. She was also a MILF in the overrated and terribly-sound-designed horror flick, The Ring. but she’s no 33-year-old Tippi Hedren. And I don’t think there is anyone out there among today’s actresses who looks even remotely like her. Surely not her own daughter, who will never ever ever ever EVER be a GILF.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Jeezus that fucking photo is hideous and terrifying. My eyes are burning and have melted into my lap. The apple didn’t just fall far from the tree, it landed in a pile of fresh dog shit hundreds of yards away and cross-pollenated with a fugly tree. I can’t even believe they share some of the same genes.

There, now that’s MUCH better. Absolutely stunning. I may have to go back and watch more of her movies, because I think I have only ever seen The Birds.

I have to stop posting these photos before I wet myself.

Afishionados,

What this world needs (and by world I mean Australia and the United States) is a plan that allows citizens of one country (and by citizens I mean me and only me) to exchange citizenship with citizens of another. A one-for-one kinda deal.

There’s gotta be someone dumb crazy enough to want to leave Australia and move here, right? Plus, I can really help out some of Australia’s citizens.

Look at this woman, for example. She’s posted to the Singles ads because there aren’t enough nice guys in Australia for her to date. Since the US and A seems all about being the world police, I feel it’s my duty to help out this damsel in distress.

She needs a boyfriend and who am I to say no? I am now accepting donations to help the fundraising necessary to complete my plan. I accept all major credit cards, PayPal, Checks, Money Order, and anything I can sell for cash, including but not limited to: your first born child, addictive drugs and medication, and novelty Star Wars toys from the 70s.

Maybe I should get Angela Lansbury to do my commercials, too. You know, have her look all mopey and depressed, walk around crowds of Australian women, and have her say lines like, “For just 10 cents a day, you can make these hot Australian women’s dreams come true.” I think it could work.

Remember, it’s not about helping me, it’s about helping others. So please help by donating today!

Afishionados,

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For every action…

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There is an equal and opposite reaction.

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Or so he says.

Afishionados,

I thought it was time I shared some of my personal interests with you guys. You know, to build up our blogging relationship even further. Somethin’ to make us feel more like friends and less like strangers. Here are some things that I really like:

I like to start my day off with a good breakfast. I like a good hot meal in the morning. Yum yum. Sometimes, I will even read the newspaper while I eat.

I like animals (except birds), especially small dogs. And I like to take long walks outdoors. Hell, I’d even take the dog with me if I had to.

Oh, and I also like corn.

Another fun thing I like to do outside is blow bubbles. I love bubbles. Who doesn’t? Sometimes all that blowin’ is a real tough job, but in the end I always feel happy.

It seems that a lot of my interests take me outdoors. A really fun sport is archery. Sometimes, though it’s a challenge. I’m always on the lookout to split something with my arrow, but I can’t always find the perfect target to shoot at. And usually, like the bow, there’s some kinda strings attached. Oh, well, bows and arrows are still fun.

STRAWBERRIES!!! I LOVE STRAWBERRIES!!! And the size of the berries isn’t everything. Even if the berries are small, they still taste really good in your mouth. Mmmmmm…..

Lately, the campaign trail has been a rough road to travel for the 2008 presidential hopeful, Joey Polanski. Recent accusations, including a sex scandal with the legendary porn star/ballerina Anne Arkham and trading of nuclear secrets to the Australian and Vietnamese governments via secret Internet colleagues, have hindered Mr. Polanski’s progress in the polls.

Mr. Polanski’s campaign manager was able to discuss these and other matters more in depth.

“Polish women are the biggest supporters of Mr. Polanski’s campaign, yet his popularity among them continues to dwindle. Mr. Polanski’s been campaigning hard to change that.”

Over the Fourth of July weekend, Mr. Polanski was able to attend the 69th Annual “Miss Clueless” Beauty Pageant and Gun Show. Why would a man in the news for a sex scandal want to visit something like this? I asked his campaign manager for more details on the subject.

“Mr. Polanski attended this event for the same reason every other man that was there did, ” his campaign manager said. “Because he’s sensitive to the needs of women and he wants to show that. Sure, they have great breasts and beautiful asses, but that’s not why Mr. Polanski was there. Even if you can’t win a beauty pageant, you’re still a winner to Joey. Unless you’re ugly. ”

Doubts remain among women polled, though the campaign manager continued further by stating, “Mr. Polanski is also aware of the issues involving the second amendment. He wanted to show his support.”

When asked what Mr. Polanski’s stance was on the second amendment, Mr. Polanski’s campaign manager was only able to scratch his head. “Well, to tell you the truth, I don’t think Mr. Polanski’s really made up his mind yet. But I’m here today to assure you that he will, at some point in the future, decide something.”

Perhaps Mr. Polanski’s first priority should be to announce which party he’s actually running for. “Which party?” his campaign manager asked. “Heck, that doesn’t matter! It’s always a party with Joey around!”

Well, folks, another movie sequel is headed our way this week and-

Ummm…. the…uhhh… name of the, ah…. film is…uuuhhhh….

Well, I…uh…forget the name at the moment but, well, I know I’ll be seeing it.

Computers are getting faster and more powerful every day. Because of this, it’s getting easier for game designers to create more realistic looking human characters in their games. Since the characters in today’s games are becoming increasingly complex, they’re looking less like models and more like…models.

But the world wasn’t always full of these cyber-hotties. Back in the old days, people used to lust for puppets. Of course, it didn’t take long for folks to realize that sex with puppets would only leave you in a knotted entangled mess, so they switched to cartoon characters instead.

Enter the 21st century and Alyx Vance. Alyx is a twenties-something heroine in the famous Half Life game series. And she’s hot, too! Just look at her! She’s got it all: a great body, great hair, beautiful face, and a gun! She’s a great reason to turn up the ol’ anti-aliasing on the monitor (help round out those curves). Best of all, since she’s just a digital character she’ll never grow old and fat!

It just so happens that Alyx Vance also has a very lovely, highly textured ass. Here, see for yourself.

I don’t want to single anybody out, but I used to think that people who lusted over fictional characters were a little weird. But it’s hard to argue when Alyx adorns a 21″ screen. If only the holodeck were invented by now. Picard and his crew were able to touch their holo-buddies, right?