Afishionados,

Another Christmas has come and quietly gone. I can’t say that it was bad, but the holiday seems to have lost the majority of its charm and magic since my childhood, and continues to lose what little is left with the passing of each year.

Family and friends were more scattered this year than in the past, and not seeing everyone makes the festivities that much more melancholy. Christmas provides no religious merit for me whatsoever, but I do like seeing and spending time with loved ones. The food at Christmas is always good, and this year was no exception. And having a day off from the world… well, it’s difficult to complain about that, too.

I am terrible when it comes to giving presents and it’s rare that I can think of the “perfect gift” for anyone. I made an effort to put a little more thought into most people’s presents this year, though there are just some really cheap bastards in my family who aren’t deserving of much (if anything) at all because they’re not even grateful for what they already have.

As for myself, I didn’t really ask for anything but the gifts that I did receive were welcome ones, and nobody could buy me what I truly want anyway. Some things just can’t be placed in a pretty little package and sealed with a bow, and so that which I want most continues to elude my grasp.

2007 was a terrible year (with the utmost exception in regards to the weekend of October 7th, of course) and I will be very happy when it is over. I look to 2008 with great intention. The spring, especially, is rumored to be well worth the wait and I am always up for another road trip.

I hope that all of you got whatever it is you sought most throughout this holiday season, and I hope that the new year brings you that much more.

Happy Holidays!

I hope everyone enjoys the new header image at the top of the page. Yes, it’s very similar to the “old” one but I can assure you this one is brand new. “Why?” do you ask? What an excellent question!

Last night I thought I would change my screensaver for the first time in five or six years. I found one that I liked and tried to install it. Words cannot express how truly poor that decision was on my part. A part of me died last night at approximately 9:30 P.M. EST. There’s a good chance that you might have heard me screaming, too.

The screensaver devoured ALL the files on my desktop, including the Photoshop files and templates for this web site. All gone in the blink of an eye. To make matters worse, I didn’t have backups of everything and the REAL salt in the wound is that the screensaver didn’t work anyway!

This is why there is no God. God would not punish a Mac user like this, especially by trying to install a simple screensaver. Windows users on PCs? Absolutely. God would hate them. If he were real.

I have backups of all of my personal files, but I didn’t have backups of all the Photoshop files for the Ministry. Fortunately, there is a software program out there called Data Rescue II which I will vouch does just that. I was able to recover the majority of my files, with the exception of the header image and the Ministry logo file.

When I work on my projects, I save my files as I go. If I make a drastic change, I save it as a new file. This way, if I later decide that what I changed was bad, I can go back to where I started from. I consider most of my stuff (especially the images on my blog) to be works in progress. While I lost the “final” version of the Ministry logo, I was able to “finish” one of the work-in-progress versions that I had backed up. ::Whew::. And Data Rescue II recovered the parchment and cloth backgrounds of the Ministry.

So although God doesn’t exist, Santa had better because I need him to bring me an external hard drive so that I can back up my stuff with Apple’s new Time Machine feature.

And if Santa should fail in his quest to bring the Ministry a hard drive for Christmas?

Afishionados,

My sister, her husband, and their children are in town for the Thanksgiving holiday weekend. My nephew is 4 and my niece is 1-and-a-half. I love them and usually it’s good to see all of them, but there are moments when I wish that the kids were still in Cleveland where they belong. For example:

My nephew, Austin, is mostly potty trained. I say mostly because he can do everything except wipe his own ass. A skill that, in my opinion, is essential to human survival and one that everyone should possess. Unfortunately, Austin hasn’t quite reached this milestone yet.

A few days ago, I found myself alone in the house with just Austin and Kevin, my other sister’s fiance’. Kevin and I were sitting at the kitchen table surfing the Internet when Austin decided to run like hell to the bathroom (which is just outside the kitchen) and shut the door. Aside from the speed at which the child had moved, I didn’t think much of it. And then the door slowly creaked open, and the a small, squeaky voice announced, “Uncle Atlas, I pooped!”

At first I thought that perhaps Satan was just a soprano and was playing an evil trick on me. And then the voice spoke again. “Uncle Atlas, I said I poooooooooooooped!” I looked at Kevin and he looked at me. His ashen face was like that of a deer’s just mere moments before a van drives into it at 100 MPH.

“Not it,” he said to me as Austin continued to stand in the doorway, pants around his ankles and continuing with the updated status reports of what he had just accomplished.

Kevin is a doctor and a future pediatrician. Apparently, the noxious fumes from Austin’s festering floaters had permeated his brain, causing cell damage and creating a momentary lapse in memory and judgment. Clearly, Kevin was misinformed. And so I took it upon myself to correct his misguided outlook.

“I’m a graphic designer. You’re the pediatrician. If Austin needs crayons or coloring books, I’m there for him. But if there’s chunks in his cheeks, that’s your line of work. Start wiping.”

In the end (no pun intended), Austin wiped his own ass and Kevin gave a thorough inspection. Austin had done just fine by himself, washed his hands, and stepped out from the bathroom. As he approached the table, I congratulated him on his success. “Good job, Austin. Today, you became a man!”

I had a similar experience with Austin this past summer, when I really was the only one (besides him) in the house. My sister and my mother had gone out shopping, and Austin told me that he had to poop. So I did what any paranoid man would do: I sent a text message to both their cell phones.

“Austin has to poop. Come home soon.”

Thankfully, my ingenious plan worked and they arrived within minutes. Of course, I was prepared and had a backup plan in place. If mom and sis had not returned in time, Austin would have been stripped naked and placed safely and securely in a bathtub full of water until someone (anyone) came home.

Afishionados,

You would think that someone considered to be quite the whore would not wear a costume that correlates with the old adage “Loose lips sink ships.” But, that would involved thinking, so I guess Paris is excused.

Happy Halloween!

Afishionados,

Another photo from Andrew heads my way, just in time for the 4th of July. Thanks, Andrew, I can always use more horse meat. I think I’ll use this chunk for my 4th of July Barbaro-B-Q.

I slept through the parade (again) but did manage to make my way downtown for the festivities. The old part of downtown was blocked off and was full of delicious, fried, and unhealthy food. Awesome. Since I live so close, I walked there, and on my way I couldn’t help but notice this crazy shit in the front of someone’s yard.

I snapped this with my camera phone at a good distance, but I think the photo came out really well, considering. In case you can’t read it, the yellow sign says “I think I can” and the red one says “I made a present”.

I hope you noticed the photo of Isaac. In his cowboy duds. In a toilet. In the front lawn. This is fucked up on so many levels that I don’t even know where to begin. Why would you dress your child up like a country western circus clown and take photos? Do you want him to be a virgin for the rest of his life? And yes, that really is a toilet, it just looks odd from the angle in the photo.

What am I saying? It would look odd at ANY angle. It’s a goddamn toilet in the front yard!

I’m really hope that Isaac is getting potty trained. Otherwise, the existence of the toilet completely baffles me. As for the “present” that Isaac made, well… Isaac, my friend, if you consider those things presents, have I got a treat for you. Come out with me after I’ve had some Chipotle and I promise to deliver you one HELLUVA gift. And since you’re claiming them as “presents”, Isaac, you just found yourself a spot in my ongoing feature, Christmas Gifts You Shouldn’t Buy. Congratulations. (For the record, I didn’t get close enough to the toilet to see if it was just dirt, or one of Isaac’s presents.)

On a more serious note, have yourselves a great 4th of July. Go buy some fireworks and celebrate our nation’s independence by blowing up a small part of it. And thanks to our troops, especially those overseas, who are over there so that we can celebrate. And to my good friends on the USS Abraham Lincoln, the USS Enterprise, and in the United States Marine Corps. Come home safe, you guys! Happy 4th of July and Congratulations to Isaac!

Afishionados,

I know it’s a little late, especially for you east coast folks (and Australians), but I wanted to say it anyway: Happy VD.

Image courtesy of this site.

Afishionados,

Happy Gnu Year! I’m still working 3-section duty and I get to work on Gnu Year’s Day! AWESOME!¹ Hope to see all of you much more often sometime around January 8ish. Until then, please drink as much as you can for me.

¹Not.

Afishionados,

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of you! Thanks for your comments, jabs, jokes, and support over the past year. The Fish wouldn’t be the same without you and I hope you stick around for 2007.

The phrase “I’ve been busy at work” does not even begin to explain how crazy it is right now onboard CVN-72, which is why the Fish has been quiet these many days. I am currently on three section duty, which means every three nights I have to stay the night on the ship and stand watch. Needless to say, I haven’t been home much and when I am home, I’ve been too tired to say much.

Fortunately, strings have been pulled and deals have been made where I am off until December 26th. So, without further delay, onto new business!

I’ve been promoted to Petty Officer Second Class (E-5). After many weeks of rescheduling, the Lincoln’s advancement ceremony finally took place this afternoon. Hopefully I’ll be getting paid for it soon as well, though that’s not the best part about getting promoted. Perhaps the most beneficial element is the fact that I no longer have to ride the theoretical bus from Everett to Bremerton. E-5 and above are authorized to ride the theoretical private ferry that theoretically leaves directly from base and is a straight shot to Bremerton. Whereas traffic through Seattle is bumper to bumper every day, the ferry is on open water and can save anywhere from 20-40+ minutes off my daily commute.

But that’s not my favorite part of making ET2. The absolute best part about the promotion is that I once again outrank my brother in the Marines! (He was all too excited to point out at his wedding in July that he made E-4.)

Unfortunately, for what I believe is the third time, the USMC has decided to keep my brother in Iraq for yet another Christmas, so I won’t be able to share my good fortune with him this holiday season. I doubt very much that I could have made it this far without his support, advice, and “rivalry” ;-).

Drew, I will once again miss you very much this Christmas but I want you to know that I am thinking about you more than you will ever know. Be careful, stay safe, and come home soon you damn jarhead. I love you, buddy.

Click Here to Watch Drew’s Video (Link opens in a new window)

Apple QuickTime required to play video. Free download here.

Afishionados,

Christmas is closing in fast and so I bring you part two of O.F.A.L.’s ongoing series: Christmas Gifts You Shouldn’t Buy.

Chia Pets have always been stupid. Cuddly Chia Pets take stupidity to an all new level. Please, please, please don’t buy this stupid shit. Ever.