From Russia with love.

Afishionados,

Grand Theft Auto IV has been out for almost two weeks now, has brought in over $500 million, and is still buzzing in the media as to how violent it is and how’s it’s ruining America. I recently saw a video on YouTube featuring Glenn Beck talking about GTA IV. In case you don’t know, Glenn Beck is an asshole and a conservative. I know this is redundant, but I want to make this very clear.

Now, believe it or not, there is an even BIGGER asshole than Glenn Beck in the same video. And no, it’s not Bill O’Reilly, but good guess, though. No, it’s Jack Thompson, an asshole lawyer and a bible-beating Christian. I know this is redundant, too, but I wanted to make this very clear. It’s obvious to me that neither Beck nor Thompson have ever played any of the GTA games, which pretty much makes all their criticism null and void. (It’s like saying, “I hate the taste of this food” if you’ve never tried it before.)

Does your mother know you’re here?

Beck rants about how the game lets you have sex with prostitutes and then kill them and steal their money. This must really bother him, and I’m inclined to agree with him. I don’t know about you, but I only have sex with really good prostitutes and there is no way I would kill them when I was done. I mean, come on! If I did that, I’d have to find a whole new prostitute to sleep with and the might not be as talented as the one I beat to death with my baseball bat. Moral of the story: Treat your hookers with the respect they deserve.

If you’d never heard of Jack Thompson before today then consider yourself lucky. He’s an attorney who seems to specialize in placing the blame of school shootings, the pitfalls of society, and violent acts by youths on the gaming and media industry. The truth of the matter, however, is that he’s really just a self-righteous asshole who’s pissed off the state of Florida to the point where he might be disbarred soon. There really aren’t enough bad things I can say about this fucking moron.

BioShock: Arguably the best game of 2007

Further evidence of Thompson’s downright stupidity can be found right here. Essentially, Thompson was upset that a commercial for the game BioShock (a phenomenally great game, by the way) ran during the WWE’s Smackdown show. I know it’s shocking that something like a violent video game commercial would be shown during a television program as wholesome and moral-filled as wrestling, but apparently it got Jack’s panties in a wad. And what did Thompson do? He wrote a letter to Take Two Interactive and Rockstar Games (the makers of the GTA series). The only problem? Take Two and Rockstar had absolutely nothing to do with BioShock. (BioShock was made my 2K Games.) A good rule of thumb: If you’re going to write and send pointless letters about violent video games, at least make sure you send them to the people actually making the games. Dumbass.

Ultimately, what I believe it comes down to is parental responsibility. Games like GTA and BioShock are rated “M for Mature”, meaning you have to be 17 years or older to buy them. (Well, except for Australia. GTA IV had to be watered down for them because they’re softcore pansies.) This has been brought up many times before by people advocating the ESRB and gaming companies. Are there places that still sell to minors? Sure. But I think there is an even bigger point that people are overlooking, and one I’ve not seen brought up on any show or in any of the debates:

The cost involved in playing the games in the first place.

• The cheapest Xbox 360 is $279.00. And it doesn’t have a hard drive, so you have to spend about $20 more dollars on a memory card. The Xbox that most people own is around $349, which includes the 20 gigabyte hard drive (The memory cards and hard drives are necessary to save and play the games).
• The PlayStation 3 costs $399
• New games for each system (such as GTA IV) cost $60 each.
• You need a television or computer monitor to plug the console into in order to play the game. Prices of TVs are relatively cheap, but flat screen HD televisions are still expensive, especially for kids and teens on a limited budget.

The money to buy those things has to come from somewhere, and I’m willing to bet that it’s from the parents. Or the parents are buying the consoles and games in the first place. Don’t want your kids playing “bad” games? Don’t buy them the systems to play them on. “But what if my kid is exposed to games like GTA at their friend’s house?” I hear you ask. Well, I guess you have a point. In that case, lock your children in the basement and read the Bible together. Or better yet, don’t worry about it. Because chances are (unless they’re really dumb), your kid knows GTA is just a game and will probably turn out fine. And if not, it’s probably something else you screwed up at as a parent and is still not GTA’s fault. It’s probably best that you go and watch Oprah, try to sort out where you went wrong and failed your child, and:

Afishionados,

I received in the mail today one of the coolest toys in existence: the Master Chief from Halo 3. Featured by McFarlane toys, the detail on such a small figurine is rather stunning.

Not only is the Master Chief meticulously detailed down to the finest scratches and dents, he’s also very posable.

The Master Chief does have a small cursing problem, though, and enjoys quoting lines from famous movies. I think he has a Napoleon complex because he is only 6 inches tall.

You can’t make fun of me for playing with dolls action figures either, because all the cool kids are doing it.

Afishionados,

I had to write an article for one of my classes about some element of design. I chose a really interesting article from WIRED magazine that discusses a psychological study on beta testers that played Halo 3 prior to its public release. Bungie Studios hired a psychologist to monitor where people were dying, how they liked the levels, monitored their ammo, etc. to work out bugs and kinks prior to the final release of the game (It’s an interesting article, so you should go read it).

We had to explain to the class the topic of our article and why we chose it. The WIRED article does not mention anything about video game violence and its impact on people, it just discusses the psychological method behind Halo 3’s BETA testing. I made this quite clear during my presentation, but, as with any class, a moron raised their hand.

“Uh, yes, does the article go into any detail about how video game violence affects children?”

It was some annoying, middle-aged woman and apparently a mother of two teenagers. I think she said her kids were 15 and 17 or something but who the hell cares. And I let her in on a little secret: Games come with content labels! If you don’t like the content, then don’t buy the damn game.

Does video game violence cause real life violence? I don’t believe so. I think it’s got more to do with shitty parenting. I mean, I played DOOM, Quake, Half Life, BioShock, etc. and I’ve not killed anyone yet. Does asking a stupid question in class after making my point abundantly clear cause violence? Someone hand me my BFG 9000…

Afishionados,

Halo 3 launched today, so if you have an Xbox 360 you should go buy it and play it. And if you don’t have a 360 yet, well, now you have an excuse to go buy one. Halo 3 is the final chapter in the series (at least until they decide to make another sequel because the game sells like loincloths to AngryMan).

The story is about some fucking weird illegal aliens that hate Earth and who are on some fucked up religious “journey”. Their gods have “spoken to them” and the only way to make sure they get to a better and happier place is by wiping out the human race. The alien forces are divided into sects, clans, tribes, cliques… whatever you want to call them. Oh, and did I mention that there’s an internal power struggle amongst the aliens as to which sect should be in charge and who should be in control? Rest assured, however, that even though the aliens quibble amongst themselves, ALL of them still hate us.

Damn, I better stop typing because I am really starting to scare myself. Good thing it’s just a game and nothing similar to this happens in real life.

Afishionados,

A couple weeks ago I upgraded my cell phone to the Samsung Blackjack. It’s a “smartphone” running Windows Mobile 5 and has a lot of cool features. It has great Internet and Email capabilities, and I can even use it as a wireless modem with my MacBook to surf the Internet at DSL speeds. Awesome.

Today I found the best use for the phone yet. Anyone who’s a fan of adventure games will remember the classic Lucas Arts games of old (the late 80’s and early 90’s) that ran via the SCUMM^TM gaming engine.

The games were (and remain) some of the most fun and entertaining games that I’ve ever played. They were simple, funny, and actually rather challenging at times. All the games were played in the same fashion, in that you had options at the bottom of your screen to “Look At”, “Use”, “Pick Up”, “Talk To” and so forth all the interactive elements of the game’s environment. As computers grew more powerful, so did the games. Originally offering only subtitles for dialogue and MIDI soundtracks, the games eventually shipped with better graphics and actual sound files of spoken dialogue.

Unfortunately, Lucas Arts hasn’t released a SCUMM game for many years, and it’s extremely unlikely that they will anytime soon. The public masses demand super high-res 3D action killing games, so the “adventure game” genre is all but extinct.

The good news is that the SCUMM engine is available as an open source (i.e. completely free with no strings attached) download from www.scummvm.org. So if you have any of the old Lucas Arts games lying around, you can once again play them using today’s technology.

Having said that, I was very excited to learn that SCUMM has been ported to Windows Mobile for use on PocketPCs and Smartphones! Since the Lucas Arts games were always designed as “point and click” titles, they work great on cell phones! MUCH more entertainment value than the lame, bundled version of Solitaire. Bleh.

Let the gaming commence!

Afishionados,

Due to popular demand, I have decided to post a photo of myself playing my new Nintendo Wii in my underwear. As you can clearly see, the included Wii Sports game has only further enhanced my already masculine features. Enjoy.

Special thanks to Radioactive Jam for his comment on the previous post, which served as the inspiration for the title of this one.

Afishionados,

I got a Nintendo Wii as an early birthday present. And the Nintendo Wii is the most fun I think I’ve ever experienced with any console that I have ever played. Wow, is this sucker addicting.

For those of you who have been living under a rock since November, the Wii is arguably the hottest console on the market right now. The PlayStation 3 had a huge launch, but I’ve seen them in stock everywhere now. The Wii had a great launch as well, but good luck finding a Nintendo Wii on store shelves.

The graphics of the Wii can’t compare to the Xbox 360 or the PlayStation 3, but the way that you play the game more than makes up for it. Gone is the traditional controller with two thumbsticks. The replacement? A remote control (dubbed “Wiimote”) and a Nunchuck controller. An infrared sensor bar (strategically placed in front of you television) interacts with the wireless Wiimote and works much like a mouse, in that you move your controller and point and click to play the games. A sports game is included with the Wii, and great fun to play. Want to golf? Just swing your Wiimote like a club and hope your ball lands on the green. Baseball? Swing the Wiimote like a bat. Tennis? Well, you get the idea.

There’s just something about flailing your arms about together in front of the television that just makes you feel special. I can’t wait to try it in my underwear.

Nintendo Wii: Four and a Half Italian Plumbers out of Five.

Afishionados,

I would like to steal incorporate the idea of a “Diversions” section from the Headless Hollow blog here on the Fish, but in the meantime enjoy this completely random post.

The PlayStation launches in the USA this week. People everywhere go nuts for it. SmashMyPS3.com raises money to do what their domain name states. A brand new PlayStation 3 is completely destroyed while a crowd of nerds wait outside of Best Buy (click here to launch video in a new window). Virgins everywhere cry themselves to sleep.

I bought Myst V last fall when it was released and never really got into it. I installed it again last night for shits and giggles and ended up beating the game. Completing it has left me with a mixed bag of emotions.

I received the original Myst as a birthday present in 1993. It had made all the headlines and magazines and my dad thought I’d like it. He was right. Not only did I like it, I couldn’t get enough of it. Before Myst, I owned only two games: Wolfenstein 3D and Doom II. Although the graphics for those games were good back in ‘93, Myst’s were so believable that they were unbelievable. Plus, this game required some skill in puzzle solving, a nice break from the mindless shooting action of Doom and Wolfenstein.

When Riven, the sequel to Myst, was released in 1997, I was ecstatic. The graphics were even better and the story was much improved over the original. A novel, Myst: the Book of Atrus, was released between games and was more or less a prequel to the events of Riven. Since I had read the book, I enjoyed the sequel to Myst even more. Myst and Riven had depth and characters that I cared about. It wasn’t enough for me to know what was happening, I wanted to know why it was happening. I found myself caring for these fictitious game characters as much as I would for actors in a really good movie.

Sadly, I think the pinnacle of the Myst franchise was Riven. Myst III: Exile was released around 2001 and had little to do with the original series. While the technical improvements of the game were welcomed, the graphics were not better than its predecessor and the story was lame. It felt like a stale spin-off rather than a true sequel.

Enter Myst IV: Revelation. Myst IV attempted to revisit the roots of the original Myst series, and expanded upon the story of Sirrus and Achenar, the two “villains” from the original Myst game. Myst IV: Revelation was only a revelation in that it made me realize I no longer cared about the Myst games. All the Myst games were like slideshows, in that they featured pre-rendered graphics at the expense of being able to play the game in real time (like Quake or Unreal). This wasn’t so bad in the mid 90’s, when computers could hardly run the “graphic intense” games like Doom or Duke Nukem 3D, but Myst IV was released in 2004. Technology had caught up with Myst, but still Myst IV was a slideshow-like game. It also had the most annoying puzzles and the most shameful acting of the series. So annoying were the puzzles, in fact, that I never finished the game.

Myst V was finally released last fall and was, for the first time, a true Myst sequel that utilized a 3D engine and ran in real time. (Myst purists would argue that Real Myst and URU: Ages Beyond Myst were the first real Myst games to run in 3D, but Real Myst was nothing more than a remake of the 1993 original and URU was a failed, online gaming spin-off and had little, if anything, to do with the original characters.) While the graphics for Myst V were good, the story was, once again, abysmal. The central “plot” of the story isn’t really explained in detail, and I didn’t really care one way or another about the two central characters.

There are four possible endings for Myst V, two of which allow the player to return to the original Myst island. I saved my game and went, just to see what it was like. Besides, I hadn’t “seen” it since 1993. Myst island was my favorite part of the original game, and I did want to see how it looked in real time.

I arrived on Myst island in the location as I had back in 1993. But the experience wasn’t the same for me as it was then. In ‘93, Myst had a bright sky, birds chirping, and looked and sounded like a happy place to visit. This was the same island alright, but it had lost its innocence. Here, before my eyes, was Myst island with heavy rain, lightning, and dark black skies. The grass was overgrown and the trees all looked dead. All the magnificent machines and enigmatic landmarks stood desolate and destroyed.

I understand that, for the plot of Myst V to work, none of the original items on Myst island could function as they once had. It would give the player a means to escape the ending of Myst V altogether, and you just can’t do that in a game. But the Myst island I saw before me looked more like a rape victim that had been used and left to die. The sinister weather and melancholy appearance of Myst felt like a metaphor for the series. Once the bestselling game series of all time, Myst had now been reduced to this. Like the series itself, Myst island was abandoned and forgotten.

I suppose I’m getting too emotional over a simple game, but Myst really had an impact on my life. I own all the Myst novels, I have an autographed copy of From Myst to Riven (signed by all the creators of Myst and Riven), and I was, once upon a time, a very active participant in the fan community.

But that was a past life and a long time ago…