Afishionados,

I’ve got a bad cold, and so I decided to make myself some chicken noodle soup. Microwaved from a Campbell’s can, just like mom used to reheat. This part went rather well, actually. I also filled a glass with ice cubes, as a means to chill my delicious Coca-Cola (I’m am addict). This part went okay, too. The problem came when I went for the pour. Because my eyes, with tears flowing like water from Niagara Falls, and my runny nose, with snot running like water from Niagara Falls, I felt my way to the open can of Coke like Ray Charles in a maze (not at Niagara Falls) and went to pour it into my frosty glass. But I missed the glass and poured it directly into my bowl of chicken noodle soup instead. But, I’m so sick, I didn’t even fucking care. I ate the soup anyway. It’s not like I could taste anything anyway.

Afishionados,

I’m not a big fan of Hershey’s Kisses. You have to remove a whole roll of tin foil only to uncover a miniature piece of waxy chocolate. They’re more effort than they’re worth. And what’s with the stupid little flag?

I Googled for a photo of Hershey’s Kisses to coincide with my rant, and I discovered that you can buy your child a Hershey’s Kiss costume. Why would anyone do that? This costume is guaranteed to make your kid gay if it’s a boy. The Kiss hat will make him look like a princess. And those saddle shoes? No straight guy wears those. And if you should happen to buy this costume for a girl? It might not make her gay, but it will make her look too dumb to be seen in public. I guess the plus side is that if your child is ugly, you can wrap the dumb flag around their face so no one else is forced to look at them. There’s also good chance that the costume could also make your child a sociopathic killer. Don’t believe me? I offer up this photographic evidence:

Afishionados,

In case you were thirsty, I’ve taken the liberty to fill up my fridge with something I figured you’d all enjoy. Well, except AngryMan. (Sorry, but they don’t make a penis flavored beverage for you.)

Photo (C) Samantha Murphy.

Afishionados,

I ordered a pizza yesterday from PizzaHut.com. And I saw something profoundly retarded on their web site, which I feel compelled to share with you.

Here is a clip from a screenshot of their online ordering web site. I’ve sized it down so it fits on the Fish, but you get the idea.

Pizza Hut gives you the option to choose which side of the pizza you want your toppings on. They don’t do thirds or fourths, only halves. And it’s all up to you which side you want the pepperoni on, and which side you want everything else that sucks on. BUT, you ask yourself, what happens if you accidentally put the pepperoni (that you intended to have on the left side) on the right side of the pizza and the anchovies, pineapple, peppers, and mushrooms on the left side? Heavens to Betsy! The world is collapsing!

I’ve created a short video, using the new Apple iMovie ‘08 (which, by the way, aside from the new titles feature, sucks horribly) that explains what to do should you ever make this horrifying oversight yourself. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a real pizza and all I have is a very old all-in-one fax, copier, espresso machine, and printer that prints only black and white. But you can, in the name of science, pretend that it is, indeed, a delicious (and colorful) pizza pie. And now, without further adieu:

The world is full of idiots that I’m convinced would never be able to figure this out on their own.

Afishionados,

Another photo from Andrew heads my way, just in time for the 4th of July. Thanks, Andrew, I can always use more horse meat. I think I’ll use this chunk for my 4th of July Barbaro-B-Q.

I slept through the parade (again) but did manage to make my way downtown for the festivities. The old part of downtown was blocked off and was full of delicious, fried, and unhealthy food. Awesome. Since I live so close, I walked there, and on my way I couldn’t help but notice this crazy shit in the front of someone’s yard.

I snapped this with my camera phone at a good distance, but I think the photo came out really well, considering. In case you can’t read it, the yellow sign says “I think I can” and the red one says “I made a present”.

I hope you noticed the photo of Isaac. In his cowboy duds. In a toilet. In the front lawn. This is fucked up on so many levels that I don’t even know where to begin. Why would you dress your child up like a country western circus clown and take photos? Do you want him to be a virgin for the rest of his life? And yes, that really is a toilet, it just looks odd from the angle in the photo.

What am I saying? It would look odd at ANY angle. It’s a goddamn toilet in the front yard!

I’m really hope that Isaac is getting potty trained. Otherwise, the existence of the toilet completely baffles me. As for the “present” that Isaac made, well… Isaac, my friend, if you consider those things presents, have I got a treat for you. Come out with me after I’ve had some Chipotle and I promise to deliver you one HELLUVA gift. And since you’re claiming them as “presents”, Isaac, you just found yourself a spot in my ongoing feature, Christmas Gifts You Shouldn’t Buy. Congratulations. (For the record, I didn’t get close enough to the toilet to see if it was just dirt, or one of Isaac’s presents.)

On a more serious note, have yourselves a great 4th of July. Go buy some fireworks and celebrate our nation’s independence by blowing up a small part of it. And thanks to our troops, especially those overseas, who are over there so that we can celebrate. And to my good friends on the USS Abraham Lincoln, the USS Enterprise, and in the United States Marine Corps. Come home safe, you guys! Happy 4th of July and Congratulations to Isaac!

Afishionados,

Breaking news in the world of Barbaro! Brother-in-law Andrew sends in these shocking photos, revealing what little remains of our favorite horse.

Afishionados,

If Satan drove a truck, it would definitely be an ice cream truck. Summer, it seems, has arrived in Seattle because I hear this damn thing multiple times a day every day all the time and OH MY GOD MAKE IT STOP!

[audio:http://www.oldfishandlemonade.com/sounds/icecreamtruck.mp3]

Afishionados,

A friend of mine has this hanging on the wall in his kitchen. I think it’s supposed to be garlic, but I think it looks more like something else. I never noticed real garlic to look so… um… sexual, but… uh… Well, all I’m saying is that there’s something fishy about the way these look.

Afishionados,

Dining out all the time can really add up quickly. Fortunately, Hostess has realized this important fact and decided to help. Why should I have to shell out an entire dollar for my box of Twinkies when I can save money by making my own? When I think of all the money I’ll save by squirting my own creamy whiteness into the center instead of just eating out… well, I get excited.

Afishionados,

IHOP is having a special in their restaurants¹: All you can eat pancakes. Honestly, who thinks to themself, “Damn. I’m sitting here all alone and all I want are some pancakes. But not just any pancakes. All you can eat pancakes are what I need.”

I’m not sure that I have ever finished even a single order of pancakes when I’ve gone out to eat, let alone ponder the possibilities of an endless supply. For me, it’s like eating a lot of bread. It just fills me up quickly. Besides, there’s only so much maple syrup the body can take.

¹“Restaurant” in the loosest sense of the word in this case.