Afishionados,

No, I am not talking about God’s Ass here. Sorry. Instead, I refer to the latest debacle to come from Australia. No, not Nicole Kidman (or her crack, for that matter). Sorry. As I am sure you have heard, Qantas Airlines has had two incidents this week with two of its jets.

It started with an explosion and a hole (as does anything remotely fun, right?) in one of Qantas’ 747s. One of the passengers exclaimed that “There was an almighty crack” in a written statement to the Australian Transport Safety Bureau. The plan made an emergency landing, and everyone was given a lollipop for being so good.

Then, today another Qantas jet had a problem with one of its landing gear doors not closing properly. This jet was forced to turn back 10 minutes after taking off. No lollis for those folks, though.

I want to (and someday will) go to Australia. Qantas is the airline that I will probably fly because they seem to have the cheapest flights from the USA to Australia. And now I know why they’re so cheap. Undoubtedly, it’s time for Qantas to stop spending horrendous amounts of its cash on its silly First Class lounges with its ambient soundscapes and focus more on the safety of its planes and passengers. And free pretzels.

Afishionados,

I saw some footage of John McCain tonight, and I finally realized where I’ve seen him before. Remember Poltergeist II: The Other Side? Remember that evil bastard from the movie who keeps coming after the Freeling family? I did some research on his character* and it turns out the filmmakers based his character off the real-life John McCain. You know, back when McCain was around 6,000 years old so.

Here’s a picture of Kane. See, he even looks exactly like John McCain. Of course, Hollywood had to change the spelling of the character’s name so John wouldn’t sue, but sure as shit it’s him, innit?

Oh, Tangina, where are you when we need you? Lead this fool into the light, already.

*I lied. I made it up on the spot.

Afishionados,

Seems being a kid these days has a lot more risk involved than when I was growing up. I watched MSNBC news this morning, and everyone is all upset over this Chinese toys with lead paint problem.

Believe it or not, I too, used to have toys. Some of them even featured lead paint. One of my favorite cartoons and toys as a kid was Voltron. I couldn’t tell you in a million years what the hell the plot of Voltron is, but as a kid (when such things are trivial matters), I loved it.

I do remember that the toy was a whole bunch of lions that snapped together to form a badass robot dude with a sword. I think they even flew through outer space or something. About the only way to make Voltron any cooler would be to give him a lightsaber and have Keira Knightley involved somehow.

Two of the lions were Voltron’s legs. Voltron accomplished this amazing feat by sticking the stumpy part of his leg into the blue and yellow lions’ assholes. (Really, this is how it was done.) Once his stump locked into the lion’s ass, BOOM, he had a leg. I don’t remember Voltron doing much running, and for the sake of the yellow and blue lions, I hope this was true.

It just so happens that the blue lion was painted with lead paint. My parents didn’t give a damn whether or not I ate blue lead paint, but they were always happy to see me miserable. So they took my blue lion and mailed it in for a free replacement, which did not have blue lead paint.

This didn’t bother me so much, because the blue lion was the GIRL’s lion. I never played with it by itself. Unfortunately, she WAS a pivotal portion of the super badass robot version of Voltron. Without her, Voltron had a difficult time walking. Why oh why did the blue lion girl have to paint her fuckin’ lion with blue lead paint? Thanks for screwing up Voltron, bitch.

It probably wasn’t more than a week or two until the new blue lion replacement showed up, but by my recollection, it took more like 2 or 3 years to get there. And when it did show up, it didn’t match the rest of the lions because her shiny, silver paint on her plastic lion limbs was still intact and none of her paint was chipped off. But at least Voltron could walk again.

Another danger facing children these days is spontaneous combustion on playgrounds. WHHAAAA…? A playground in Arlington, Texas caught on fire, and spontaneous combustion was to blame. No kids were hurt, apparently, but it did cause quite a bit of damage. I’m not so sure that it was spontaneous combustion so much as the Wrath of God. After all, if anyone needs to be punished, it’s gotta be Texas.

There you have it folks, I survived lead based paints and wood chips as a kid, and so can you’re children. Just make sure you don’t let them play with any toys or let them near playgrounds.

Afishionados,

I saw this image, along with its headline, over at MSNBC.com.

I’m not sure what kind of probe the Dems are using, but I know that Gonzales has been talking out of his ass since this whole thing started.

Afishionados,

So, some interesting news from my old neighborhood of good ol’ farm country, Ohio, USA. The Wooster Daily Record reported “Hog farmers found not guilty on several other charges” including “improperly handling piglets”.

I’m not sure that I want to know what that means…

Afishionados,

Scotty from Star Trek had his ashes onboard a rocket on the way to outer space. Apparently, his last wish was to boldy go where no ashes have gone before. Unfortunately for him, the rocket crashed and landed somewhere in New Mexico. Instead of searching for aliens in space, maybe he’s taking the easy way out by taking a peek through Roswell? He just can’t doooooooo it, Captain! He doesn’t have the powerrrrrrrrr!

Here’s to you, Scotty. I would say “Live long and prosper” but… well… you’re already dead. So, instead: May the Force Be With You.

This news courtesy of Engadget.

Afishionados,

Life on the Lincoln marches on, hence the lack of much updating for the past month here on OFAL. Apologies. But thank you to everyone who continues to visit, including all the new folks upset about my Barbaro post. The fact that you have proven my power to truly upset complete strangers on the Internet cheers me up.

And now for something completely different.

On my way out the door of my apartment building last week, I discovered a pile of very old toys at the bottom of the stairwell. At first I didn’t think much of them, and I just assumed that perhaps a new tennant had temporarily left the toys there as they moved in. Then I remembered that it was 4:30 in the morning and nobody moves in that early.

Only a few toys existed: an old Mighty Mouse doll, a Smokey the Bear doll and a tin rocket ship. The stuffed animals were in pretty ragged shape, but the rocket is in excellent condition. Aside from the astronaut’s head, “television”, and various small parts of the rocket, the toy is all metal. It has a battery compartment which looks to hold “C” or “D” cell batteries, but I have not yet tried it out.

I’ve Googled various phrases and searched on eBay, but I haven’t been able to uncover any further information about the toy. I’m curious about it, especially since it’s in really good shape. It makes me wonder why anyone would just abandon it in an apartment stairwell.

Afishionados,

It’s been all over the news that Barbaro the horse has died today. My local news channel reported that a fund has been set up in the horse’s honor and has already raised over a million dollars. Apparently, proceeds will go to help other horses or animals with their animal problems.

Fans and past sexual partners of Barbaro also sent emails to the horse (before it died, of course) wishing it “good luck” and better health. Unfortunately (and obviously) in the end, these emails did little good for two reasons:

1.) Horses can’t read email.
2.) The damn thing died anyway.

Is this really newsworthy? Why did I have to hear about Barbaro for 10 minutes?

It’s just a goddam horse.

Afishionados,

Thanks to Dubya’s grand plan, my brother’s tour in Iraq has been extended by 90 days.

I love you, Drew, and I wish you the best.. Come home safe, even if it’s later rather than sooner.

Afishionados,

I would like to steal incorporate the idea of a “Diversions” section from the Headless Hollow blog here on the Fish, but in the meantime enjoy this completely random post.

The PlayStation launches in the USA this week. People everywhere go nuts for it. SmashMyPS3.com raises money to do what their domain name states. A brand new PlayStation 3 is completely destroyed while a crowd of nerds wait outside of Best Buy (click here to launch video in a new window). Virgins everywhere cry themselves to sleep.