Afishionados,

Another photo from Andrew heads my way, just in time for the 4th of July. Thanks, Andrew, I can always use more horse meat. I think I’ll use this chunk for my 4th of July Barbaro-B-Q.

I slept through the parade (again) but did manage to make my way downtown for the festivities. The old part of downtown was blocked off and was full of delicious, fried, and unhealthy food. Awesome. Since I live so close, I walked there, and on my way I couldn’t help but notice this crazy shit in the front of someone’s yard.

I snapped this with my camera phone at a good distance, but I think the photo came out really well, considering. In case you can’t read it, the yellow sign says “I think I can” and the red one says “I made a present”.

I hope you noticed the photo of Isaac. In his cowboy duds. In a toilet. In the front lawn. This is fucked up on so many levels that I don’t even know where to begin. Why would you dress your child up like a country western circus clown and take photos? Do you want him to be a virgin for the rest of his life? And yes, that really is a toilet, it just looks odd from the angle in the photo.

What am I saying? It would look odd at ANY angle. It’s a goddamn toilet in the front yard!

I’m really hope that Isaac is getting potty trained. Otherwise, the existence of the toilet completely baffles me. As for the “present” that Isaac made, well… Isaac, my friend, if you consider those things presents, have I got a treat for you. Come out with me after I’ve had some Chipotle and I promise to deliver you one HELLUVA gift. And since you’re claiming them as “presents”, Isaac, you just found yourself a spot in my ongoing feature, Christmas Gifts You Shouldn’t Buy. Congratulations. (For the record, I didn’t get close enough to the toilet to see if it was just dirt, or one of Isaac’s presents.)

On a more serious note, have yourselves a great 4th of July. Go buy some fireworks and celebrate our nation’s independence by blowing up a small part of it. And thanks to our troops, especially those overseas, who are over there so that we can celebrate. And to my good friends on the USS Abraham Lincoln, the USS Enterprise, and in the United States Marine Corps. Come home safe, you guys! Happy 4th of July and Congratulations to Isaac!

Afishionados,

Dining out all the time can really add up quickly. Fortunately, Hostess has realized this important fact and decided to help. Why should I have to shell out an entire dollar for my box of Twinkies when I can save money by making my own? When I think of all the money I’ll save by squirting my own creamy whiteness into the center instead of just eating out… well, I get excited.

Afishionados,

Christmas is closing in fast and so I bring you part two of O.F.A.L.’s ongoing series: Christmas Gifts You Shouldn’t Buy.

Chia Pets have always been stupid. Cuddly Chia Pets take stupidity to an all new level. Please, please, please don’t buy this stupid shit. Ever.

Afishionados,

The holiday season is approaching fast and you know what that means! Yes, friends, that’s right! The Christmas shopping season is nigh! Grab yer wallets and get ready for bitchy customers and long checkout lines!

I went shopping today and I already heard Christmas music. Why are stores playing Christmas music in October? What’s wrong with people? Santa should smack them.

Despite hearing the sounds of familiar Christmas tunes, the holiday shopping season has not officially kicked off because I haven’t yet heard the worst, most dreaded Christmas song of all time, which is how I determine the true start of the holiday madness. Until I’ve heard it in public, Christmas does not exist. (Every year I try to escape it but the song still finds me. It hibernates all year long and waits in the darkness, ready to play the moment it smells my blood and senses my fear…)

Despite the fact that it’s October, SEARS is getting a head start on its holiday sales goals, which brings us to the first part of a new OFAL series I like to call: Christmas Gifts You Shouldn’t Buy.

I couldn’t help but notice this ginormous rack of fugly slippers so I had to take a photo (how else do you expect me to start this new feature on the Fish?). While the slippers come in your more traditional colors of pink, lavender, and creamy white, SEARS is also proud to introduce the new and improved 2006 models.

These new models were designed from the ground up and feature three new textures and colors specifically designed for this holiday season. The new varieties are: Golden Retriever, Smurf, and Skunk. All six designs are made from the finest Muppet available today and are guaranteed not to impress anyone you give them to.

Buying these ugly-ass slippers is not only a dumb idea, but you’re putting yourself at risk as well. There always exists the possibility, however unlikely, that someone could re-gift these slippers to you.

If you’re thinking about buying these slippers (or any other stupid gift for that matter), remember the CGYSB motto: “If buying a present is proving too hard, then just substitute with a nice gift card.”