Behold, the face of a killer. On the trip back from visiting my brother in North Carolina, I hit a raccoon with my car. I like animals (especially for dinner) but I prefer not to kill any of them if I don’t have to. Especially if it means hitting them with my car because, while I like animals, I love my car.

Now, in my defense, there was another car in the left lane so I couldn’t have moved over without hitting it. And the fucking raccoon was sitting on its ass eating in the middle of the right lane. What was I to do?

Two crunches and two thump/thwacks later I was still safely on my way home but I don’t think the raccoon made it. So, in his (her?) honor, I’ve posted a photo of the little furball’s final expression right before my killer car took him out.

It’s just too bad I couldn’t have run over a bird instead. That would have been justice.

Christmas is getting closer and you know what that means? People are getting dumber and more assholic than normal. And in South Carolina, this is saying a lot.

Imagine if you will a state completely filled with Randy Quaid’s character “Eddie” from all the National Lampoon movies, Cletus from the Simpsons, the Beverly Hillbillies, and the cast from from the Dukes of Hazzard (TV show and new movie, it doesn’t matter). Subtract at least 60 points from the average I.Q. in this country and you’re pretty much left with South Carolina’s general population.

The only thing worse than the intelligence (or lack thereof) of the citizens in this abhorrent state are the driving capabilities (or, once again, a lack thereof) of said citizens. Drivers in this state ride so close to your ass that I guarantee that if you farted they could smell it and tell you what you had just eaten.

Tailgaters are like rectal exams: There’s rarely an excuse for anyone to be that close to your ass. Period. I had someone riding behind my car the whole way home tonight. I breaked hard three or four times, hoping that they would get the hint and back down. Nope, not this tard.

It’s been a goal of mine for some time now to honestly try and kill someone while they’re tailgating my car. I’ve come very close on two occasions. Once, in Ohio, while traveling at a comfy 50 MPH or so on a 35 MPH on ramp. When I’m already speeding, do not try and push me faster. The result? I braked like a madman and instantly sped up whereas the fat driver behind me all but swerved over the edge. It was glorious.

The second time was in South Carolina in a huge mess of traffic at rush hour. Once again, I was already speeding with the flow of traffic but leaving enough room between me and the car ahead of me. Apparently the person behind me didn’t agree with me and unwisely tried to make me speed up. Again, I just braked suddenly and they came within inches of the guard rail after swerving. The best part was that the car directly behind me was almost rear ended by yet another tailgating South Carolinian. It was almost a two-for-one deal. So close, Mr. Darwin, so close…

If you have the audacity to tailgate me, let this be your warning that I consider you fair game and unworthy of life. Should your life perish in the event of me braking my vehicle, be forewarned that I will only feel pure happiness and delight in knowing that you are dead, because it just means there is one less troglodyte on the road that I have to watch out for.

I took Herbie to the dealership for a minor thing this morning and discovered that the local Volkswagen club was having an auto show. Lots of old Beetles were there, most in excellent condition, too. A couple of microbuses, a couple of Ghia’s, and a Thing even managed to show up.

The dealership offered to wash my car for free while I was there this morning and they even put the shiny stuff on the tires. So what was I to do but enter into the competition?

After looking at all the other cars and “competition” they announced the winners. Sadly, Herbie did not take Best of Show or Dealer’s Choice. I know, I know, it is sad and I’m crying on the inside as well. Apparently a fully restored black beetle (I forget which year because they all look about the same anyway) was a better choice.

But Herbie managed to take a spot in the Top 20 Honorable Mentions category. So I got a trophy, a free oil change, and a little poster with some old Volkswagens on it. It was a happy morning. I figure this only increases the resale value of my car since it’s a County Champion Trophy Winning something or other. Next stop, Detroit, New York, L.A., Geneva… Look out, world, here comes Herbie.