Afishionados,

This is a Mini Cooper:

This is a Winnie Cooper:

One would look really good with its top down and would be a lot of fun to take for a ride. And the other is just a car.

The paperwork for the Big D has been filed, finalizing what I’ve been waiting for since June of 2007. As part of the agreement, Herbie will be going back to Washington state to live out the rest of his days without me. So sad.

I loved cars as a kid, especially Herbie the love bug. A tenacious car with a mind of its own and a penchant for adventure and trouble. What’s not to love? I think it was the Herbie movies that attracted me to Volkswagens in the first place.

The New Beetle had captivated my attention since it went on sale in 1998. It’s hard to believe that it’s been 10 years since its debut to the public. The first one my family owned was a 2000 GLS. It was silver, had a manual transmission, and a really sweet tape deck. “The Pod”, as it was later christened (complete with vanity plates stating so), belonged to my younger stepsister, Ly¹.

She used to let me ride with her once in a while (read: all the time), especially if it was dark out and none of her friends could see me hanging out with her in public. We had many a good time in that car, and I have a lot of fond memories. Some of my favorites include:

Watching Ly hook up the kick-ass CD player via the cigarette lighter and tape adapter to listen to a song at the loudest possible audible level known to mankind only to change to a completely different song a mere 30 seconds into it.

Going to Taco Bell at 2 A.M. during their 39 cent taco days, ordering 30 tacos, then paying with a bag full of pennies.

Watching Ly attack crash into a shopping cart in an otherwise empty grocery store parking lot at 15 MPH. “I didn’t see it,” she said. How can you miss a shopping cart directly in front of you in an empty parking lot?

My first “real” car (meaning, my first new one and not some used clunker) was a red 2002 New Beetle. I got it in college. It had absolutely no optional features aside from an automatic engine. Hand crank windows, baby! OH YEA! But it was mine, and I loved it.

At one point in time, we actually had as many as four New Beetles, a Jetta, and two Touaregs in the family. That’s a lot of Volkswagens to have in your driveway at family get togethers.

I have always wanted to make a Herbie out of a New Beetle, and in 2005 I did just that. At least, sort of. A dealership in South Carolina had a GLS on the lot that was done up like Herbie. Apparently no one was interested in the car because it hadn’t sold or had many potentially interested customers. This was also during the year end sales event, when the redesigned 2006 bugs had just come out. The E.B.² and I were in the market for a new car. Herbie had every option available at the time (with the exception of traction control) installed. It really was Herbie: Fully Loaded, so to speak. We got a good deal on him, and so Herbie was purchased.

It’s been one of the most fun cars I’ve ever owned or driven. One of my favorite hobbies in Charleston was to clean up Herbie on the weekend, drive down to the battery, park him, and watch the tourist’s reactions. The overseas tourists were always the most fun, as most seemed to have no idea why the car was made to look like a race car or what the stripes and “53″ were all about. One time a news van even pulled up and shot some footage of the car, though I never saw it make the television broadcast.

Driving onto military bases in a New Beetle done up like Herbie is also something that I will never forget. The car was a total chick magnet in Charleston (sexy southern women love Herbie, apparently) but driving into security gates with armed guards was completely different. The faces of the guards were often priceless, as they weren’t quite sure how anyone in the military could drive a Herbie bug. But even armed men and women in uniform can’t hide a smirk or a chuckle from such an iconic symbol such as Herbie. Whether they’d admit it or not, I think they liked it, too.

Within a month, however, Herbie is going away. I have mixed feelings about this, as I’ve grown quite attached to the little car and I like the attention that it receives. In the end, though, it really is just a car with decals, and not worth fussing over, especially if relinquishing it grants me my freedom.

So, since Herbie is west coast bound, I’m left to get a new vehicle. I’m not so starry-eyed for the Volkswagen brand anymore (and no VW could ever top the fun I’ve had with Herbie), so Volkswagen was out this time around. Instead I’m going with a Toyota, because people that own them really love them, they’re highly rated by Consumer Reports, and, according to a lot of car magazines and “experts”, they’re better built than most cars and last longer than the competition.

Well, I didn’t go with Toyota exactly. I went with a Scion, but they’re made by Toyota. Since I don’t have any money, my options were pretty limited. Unfortunately, most “affordable” cars are poorly manufactured, have very little standard features, and are hideously ugly or plain looking.

I’ve always liked the look the the Scion tC. I looked at getting one around the same time that I shopped for Herbie, but the car hadn’t been out long enough to get any sense of quality or reliability so I passed. The car has been out for sometime now, and it’s gotten pretty good praise. So far, I’m really happy with it.

Plus, the standard features and price are hard to beat. The tC comes standard with:

1.) Integrated iPod control - plug in your iPod and control it through the car’s stereo system.

2.) Retractable sunroof and rear “mini sunroof” - the whole ceiling of the car is glass, and the front part of the sunroof opens. The backseat gets one, too, but it doesn’t open. Still, a rear “roof window” is neat.

3.) 17″ Alloy wheels - Not steel rims with a plastic hubcap. I hate those.

4.) Cruise control - Perfect for those Chicago trips to see Missy Higgins!

5.) Subwoofer - Sure, it’s not the greatest sub in the world, but it’s still adds a lot of bass to the stereo system. I don’t even know if any other cars in the same class as the Scion offer a subwoofer as standard.

6.) Lots of airbags - Even has side curtain airbags to protect my delicate head.

7.) Keyless entry - Inserting the key into the side of the door is so 1990s.

8.) 60/40 fold down rear seats - The Beetle had a collapsable rear seat, but it didn’t split. Sometimes you don’t need the whole backseat to fold down.

9.) Halogen headlights - Great for getting behind idiots and blinding them for driving like morons.

And while I’m certainly not going to win any races, the 161 HP engine is a very welcome step up from Herbie’s standard and ultimately subpar 115. It’s also supposed to get better gas mileage than the Beetle, but I’ve yet to verify this for myself.

I like the look, I like the features, and I like the price (less than $19,000). There are some amenities from Herbie that I will miss, but I think this is the best car for my lack of buck right now.

So, with a new car and my freedom, on to bigger and better things!

¹Pronounced “Lee”. Name changed to protect the privacy of the more innocent than me.
²Evil Bitch

Afishionados,

Afishionado Andrew has, a great personal risk, kindly sent this along. Was this how Barbaro really died? Is it all just one big conspiracy? It looks like a black, government sedan… What do you think?

Afishionados,

I was out shopping with a friend of mine when she spotted this on the shelf of a local retail store. Hideous, I know. And scary. I didn’t even know they made NASCAR propaganda for rednecks this young.

Afishionados,

Good news for the War on Feather. Herbie and I have been road trippin’ for the past couple days, driving from Seattle to Ohio. Armed with bottled water and the radio, we made our way east posthaste. (Also, as it turns out, Volkswagen New Beetles, when released back into the open wild, are capable of speeds of 113 MPH through Utah.)

As loyal readers of Old Fish and Lemonade know, all birds are out to kill me. Which is why I am happy to report that, while traveling through Nebraska, Iowa, or some other pointless plains state (I can’t remember), Herbie was attacked by a bird. And won.

While cruising at a comfortable 85 MPH, a small, gray bird flew in front of the car, and LANDED on the road, DIRECTLY in line with the front passenger tire. (Ironically, this is the same tire that killed the raccoon.) Well, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that:

1.) I hate birds

and

2.) It’s impossible to stop immediately from speeds in excess of 5 MPH

So, as you can imagine, the bird lost. After a rather delightful sounding “THWAP”, I looked in the rearview mirror and looked upon a cloud of feathers. It looked like someone had thrown a pillow into a fan. Awesome. One less of their minions to shit on my car. Justice!

Afishionados,

Birds are Enemy El Numero Uno here at Old Fish and Lemonade, no doubt about it. It seems, however, that there is a challenger to the title.

Remember my post about Herbie and the raccoon? Well, it seems I may have been wrong to award Herbie “1″ and the raccoon “0″. I’d go back and change it, but that would imply that I’m wrong and I just can’t have that. There are no mistakes or falsities here on the Fish, only lesser truths.

It’s taken more than a year, but Herbie has just recently started making a strange noise in the front passenger wheel well. It seems that the tire is now rubbing against something. Something that will cost $80 to fix.

“It looks like you hit a curb or something” said the VW mechanic. I can assure you that Herbie, though quite robust and well known for speeding and cutting people off, has never, ever been over a curb. The only possible culprit? The goddam Raccoon of Doom from North Carolina. Bastard!

The sticker in question.

Afishionados,

While driving home from a bookstore today, a red Pontiac Grand Prix raced up beside me and wanted me to roll down the window.

After doing so, a man with a shaved head asks:

“Are you in the military?”

“Yea, what of it?”

“Do you realize that you’re breaking the law?”, he says.

“Ummm… no?” I wasn’t speeding. All my tail lights worked. My registration on my plates was current. What was this guy talking about?

Baldy replies, “That sticker on your car. You can’t have it on your car. Are you in the military?”

I thought we had gone over this? Did you not hear me the first time? And then I saw it. An Army sticker. Clearly I was dealing with a moron.

“Well if he wasn’t such an asshole maybe I wouldn’t have to put stickers like that on my car.”

“You better pray that your commander doesn’t ever see it,” he threatens.

Laughing at him, I reply, “Yea, thanks, I’ll pray. Fuck you.”

My only regret is that he couldn’t drive behind me longer, so that he could read my other sticker, too.

Finally got a “53″ added to the rear hatch of the car. Also added “Herbie” in the Futura font (used by VW in all their ads) in case there were any doubts as to the identity of the car. Now I’m off to rob a bank to pay for some new rims.

Behold, the face of a killer. On the trip back from visiting my brother in North Carolina, I hit a raccoon with my car. I like animals (especially for dinner) but I prefer not to kill any of them if I don’t have to. Especially if it means hitting them with my car because, while I like animals, I love my car.

Now, in my defense, there was another car in the left lane so I couldn’t have moved over without hitting it. And the fucking raccoon was sitting on its ass eating in the middle of the right lane. What was I to do?

Two crunches and two thump/thwacks later I was still safely on my way home but I don’t think the raccoon made it. So, in his (her?) honor, I’ve posted a photo of the little furball’s final expression right before my killer car took him out.

It’s just too bad I couldn’t have run over a bird instead. That would have been justice.