Afishionados,

Grand Theft Auto IV has been out for almost two weeks now, has brought in over $500 million, and is still buzzing in the media as to how violent it is and how’s it’s ruining America. I recently saw a video on YouTube featuring Glenn Beck talking about GTA IV. In case you don’t know, Glenn Beck is an asshole and a conservative. I know this is redundant, but I want to make this very clear.

Now, believe it or not, there is an even BIGGER asshole than Glenn Beck in the same video. And no, it’s not Bill O’Reilly, but good guess, though. No, it’s Jack Thompson, an asshole lawyer and a bible-beating Christian. I know this is redundant, too, but I wanted to make this very clear. It’s obvious to me that neither Beck nor Thompson have ever played any of the GTA games, which pretty much makes all their criticism null and void. (It’s like saying, “I hate the taste of this food” if you’ve never tried it before.)

Beck rants about how the game lets you have sex with prostitutes and then kill them and steal their money. This must really bother him, and I’m inclined to agree with him. I don’t know about you, but I only have sex with really good prostitutes and there is no way I would kill them when I was done. I mean, come on! If I did that, I’d have to find a whole new prostitute to sleep with and the might not be as talented as the one I beat to death with my baseball bat. Moral of the story: Treat your hookers with the respect they deserve.

If you’d never heard of Jack Thompson before today then consider yourself lucky. He’s an attorney who seems to specialize in placing the blame of school shootings, the pitfalls of society, and violent acts by youths on the gaming and media industry. The truth of the matter, however, is that he’s really just a self-righteous asshole who’s pissed off the state of Florida to the point where he might be disbarred soon. There really aren’t enough bad things I can say about this fucking moron.

Further evidence of Thompson’s downright stupidity can be found right here. Essentially, Thompson was upset that a commercial for the game BioShock (a phenomenally great game, by the way) ran during the WWE’s Smackdown show. I know it’s shocking that something like a violent video game commercial would be shown during a television program as wholesome and moral-filled as wrestling, but apparently it got Jack’s panties in a wad. And what did Thompson do? He wrote a letter to Take Two Interactive and Rockstar Games (the makers of the GTA series). The only problem? Take Two and Rockstar had absolutely nothing to do with BioShock. (BioShock was made my 2K Games.) A good rule of thumb: If you’re going to write and send pointless letters about violent video games, at least make sure you send them to the people actually making the games. Dumbass.

Ultimately, what I believe it comes down to is parental responsibility. Games like GTA and BioShock are rated “M for Mature”, meaning you have to be 17 years or older to buy them. (Well, except for Australia. GTA IV had to be watered down for them because they’re softcore pansies.) This has been brought up many times before by people advocating the ESRB and gaming companies. Are there places that still sell to minors? Sure. But I think there is an even bigger point that people are overlooking, and one I’ve not seen brought up on any show or in any of the debates:

The cost involved in playing the games in the first place.

• The cheapest Xbox 360 is $279.00. And it doesn’t have a hard drive, so you have to spend about $20 more dollars on a memory card. The Xbox that most people own is around $349, which includes the 20 gigabyte hard drive (The memory cards and hard drives are necessary to save and play the games).
• The PlayStation 3 costs $399
• New games for each system (such as GTA IV) cost $60 each.
• You need a television or computer monitor to plug the console into in order to play the game. Prices of TVs are relatively cheap, but flat screen HD televisions are still expensive, especially for kids and teens on a limited budget.

The money to buy those things has to come from somewhere, and I’m willing to bet that it’s from the parents. Or the parents are buying the consoles and games in the first place. Don’t want your kids playing “bad” games? Don’t buy them the systems to play them on. “But what if my kid is exposed to games like GTA at their friend’s house?” I hear you ask. Well, I guess you have a point. In that case, lock your children in the basement and read the Bible together. Or better yet, don’t worry about it. Because chances are (unless they’re really dumb), your kid knows GTA is just a game and will probably turn out fine. And if not, it’s probably something else you screwed up at as a parent and is still not GTA’s fault. It’s probably best that you go and watch Oprah, try to sort out where you went wrong and failed your child, and:

Afishionados,

I’m well on my way to creating another category here on OFAL. Another photo I spotted while on way to dinner tonight. Something’s amiss, here…

Afishionados,

So I’m watching HOUSE last night and Faux News was kind enough to intrude upon the lower portion of my screen with BREAKING NEWS! I know that Fox Noise is “fair and balanced” and would never¹ lie to me or have a bias on one of their stories, but I just can’t figure out how men’s nipples tie in with the Republican agenda that Fox is constantly trying to shove down my throat. Thoughts?

In other news, large traces of dihydrogen monoxide were found in a local woman’s body, doctor’s say.

¹Yes, yes they would.

Afishionados,

I’ve got a bad cold, and so I decided to make myself some chicken noodle soup. Microwaved from a Campbell’s can, just like mom used to reheat. This part went rather well, actually. I also filled a glass with ice cubes, as a means to chill my delicious Coca-Cola (I’m am addict). This part went okay, too. The problem came when I went for the pour. Because my eyes, with tears flowing like water from Niagara Falls, and my runny nose, with snot running like water from Niagara Falls, I felt my way to the open can of Coke like Ray Charles in a maze (not at Niagara Falls) and went to pour it into my frosty glass. But I missed the glass and poured it directly into my bowl of chicken noodle soup instead. But, I’m so sick, I didn’t even fucking care. I ate the soup anyway. It’s not like I could taste anything anyway.

Afishionados,

Target gift cards specify “Ages 1½+” in the lower right-hand corner. And, honestly, what child wouldn’t want a nice plastic gift card in place of a toy? Remember, your kids are never too young to start being a part of corporate greed!

Afishionados,

I’m not a big fan of Hershey’s Kisses. You have to remove a whole roll of tin foil only to uncover a miniature piece of waxy chocolate. They’re more effort than they’re worth. And what’s with the stupid little flag?

I Googled for a photo of Hershey’s Kisses to coincide with my rant, and I discovered that you can buy your child a Hershey’s Kiss costume. Why would anyone do that? This costume is guaranteed to make your kid gay if it’s a boy. The Kiss hat will make him look like a princess. And those saddle shoes? No straight guy wears those. And if you should happen to buy this costume for a girl? It might not make her gay, but it will make her look too dumb to be seen in public. I guess the plus side is that if your child is ugly, you can wrap the dumb flag around their face so no one else is forced to look at them. There’s also good chance that the costume could also make your child a sociopathic killer. Don’t believe me? I offer up this photographic evidence:

Afishionados,

Lotsa folks out there are big supporters of Barack Obama. They’ve all got their reasons, but I’m here to ask you just one question:

Is another black man in Washington D.C. begging for change really what this country needs?

Do the right thing. Vote Polanski.

Afishionados,

Posting about your pets is typically a blogging “no-no”, but I’ve been trying for months to capture my cat Jinx’s “retard look” and share it. Jinx gets this look quite often, but whenever I go to take a photo with my iPhone he runs away because sexy looking gadgets scare him. And because he’s retarded.

I managed to sneak up on him after he was done licking himself and sort of captured it as best I could. Typically, his jaw hangs down a lot more, like Carl from Slingblade, but he bolted moments after I snapped this shot. And now that I think about it, his look isn’t too far off from President Bush’s “thinking face”. Except I think Jinx actually gets a thought in his brain once in a while. And probably licks himself a lot less than Dubya, too.

Afishionados,

If Diane Keaton was a duck, she would look like this.  Now, moving on. Australia is awesome, but I’ve just read about the dumbest thing to come out of it since Speedos.

SYDNEY (Reuters Life!) - Walks like a duck, talks like a duck, dresses like a duck — it must be Australia’s duck fashion show.

Behatted ducks in pink, green and yellow outfits waddled down the catwalk in the Pied Piper Duck Show at one of Australia’s most famous annual country festivals.

Brian Harrington, who runs the show, believes his feathered models are just as talented as their human counterparts, and completely under-appreciated.

The 60-year-old has run the show for some 25 years and dresses his ducks according to the latest fashion trends for each event.

“I love that little duck. If she was a human, she’d be on top money,” said Harrington.

I have an Australian agent in the field that has done extensive research on ducks, but giving them their own fashion show? Dammit, people, birds are evil. They’re trying to take over, don’t you see? First it’s the little things, like shitting on your car or stupidly flying into your windows and doors because they supposedly don’t see the glass. Bullshit. All birds are liars. They see it. They’re just testing your house for weaknesses and determining the best time to strike. They mostly come at night. Mostly…

Soon, the madness continues and the next thing you know birds have their own fashion shows. Harmless, right? Just cute ducks in little costumes? WRONG. They’ve already scrutinized the integrity of your windows and plotted to peck your eyes out when you sleep, and this is just evidence that birds are trying to infiltrate society. They want to be destroy the system by being a part of it. Clever, but I’m on to them.

Afishionados,

Don’t get confused. This ain’t your run-of-the-mill cheap plastic shit. It’s elegant.