Afishionados,

Afishionado Andrew has, a great personal risk, kindly sent this along. Was this how Barbaro really died? Is it all just one big conspiracy? It looks like a black, government sedan… What do you think?

Afishionados,

I think I’m better at Photoshopping and making blogs pretty than actually writing good posts, but for some strange reason, there are still some of you out there that feel compelled to stop by and read Old Fish and Lemonade. Thanks to you, another year has passed, and OFAL officially turns 2 years old.

Last year there was some bitching by some that there wasn’t any cake. Well, this year, I baked you a fucking cake. So eat it. EAT IT.

This year was the most fun yet (for me, anyway. I can’t speak for you poor bastards) and I look forward to year three. So let’s step into the DeLorean and take a journey back in time to some of my favorite posts from the past year.

When Seagulls Attack! Where the skies of Naval Station Bremerton are taken over by seagulls carrying delicious, keebler weapons.

Virgin Records Can Suck It. Suck It Hard. Virgin makes it abundantly clear that I am supposed to pirate their music off the Internet, not pay for it.

NASCAR: A Thinking Man’s Sport Game? Further evidence supporting my fact theory that NASCAR sucks.

Blown Hard and Put Away Wet The NAVY gets a day off because of rough wind on the sea. The NAVY.

Barbaro Dies, People Cry, Elmer Rejoices Arguably one of my favorite posts ever. Who knew I could touch the hearts and souls of so many assholes people on the Internet?

Wiing in my Underpants I love this Photoshop image, and Casey’s comment is one of my all time favorites.

Wish You Were Here Dissecting the NAVY’s intelligence when it comes to making brochures.

Kenny Loggins Killed Our Teddy Ruxpin I’m still crying on the inside…

Tin Trinket Not so much for the article, but I really like the photo I took with Photo Booth for Mac.

Hangar Management The photos are what really do this “infomercial” about the Navy true justice.

Straight from the Horse’s Mouth I love poetry. Joey loves poetry. We use some of our talents on Barbaro.

Happy 4th of July and Congratulations to Isaac Some people should not be allowed to have cameras. Or have children.

I’m So Hungry I Could Eat A… A most excellent photo from Andrew that continues the ongoing misfortunes of Barbaro.

Old Fish and Lemonade has become more vulgar and offensive this past year, and has even been de-linked from a blog or two. A couple regular readers don’t seem to post here as much, either. So this year, I promise that things will be different. No more boozing. No more swearing. No more hanging out with Polanski. Just me and Jesus, loving the world together and hugging it one person at a time.

Ah, who the fuck am I kidding? Bring on year three.

Afishionados,

Another photo from Andrew heads my way, just in time for the 4th of July. Thanks, Andrew, I can always use more horse meat. I think I’ll use this chunk for my 4th of July Barbaro-B-Q.

I slept through the parade (again) but did manage to make my way downtown for the festivities. The old part of downtown was blocked off and was full of delicious, fried, and unhealthy food. Awesome. Since I live so close, I walked there, and on my way I couldn’t help but notice this crazy shit in the front of someone’s yard.

I snapped this with my camera phone at a good distance, but I think the photo came out really well, considering. In case you can’t read it, the yellow sign says “I think I can” and the red one says “I made a present”.

I hope you noticed the photo of Isaac. In his cowboy duds. In a toilet. In the front lawn. This is fucked up on so many levels that I don’t even know where to begin. Why would you dress your child up like a country western circus clown and take photos? Do you want him to be a virgin for the rest of his life? And yes, that really is a toilet, it just looks odd from the angle in the photo.

What am I saying? It would look odd at ANY angle. It’s a goddamn toilet in the front yard!

I’m really hope that Isaac is getting potty trained. Otherwise, the existence of the toilet completely baffles me. As for the “present” that Isaac made, well… Isaac, my friend, if you consider those things presents, have I got a treat for you. Come out with me after I’ve had some Chipotle and I promise to deliver you one HELLUVA gift. And since you’re claiming them as “presents”, Isaac, you just found yourself a spot in my ongoing feature, Christmas Gifts You Shouldn’t Buy. Congratulations. (For the record, I didn’t get close enough to the toilet to see if it was just dirt, or one of Isaac’s presents.)

On a more serious note, have yourselves a great 4th of July. Go buy some fireworks and celebrate our nation’s independence by blowing up a small part of it. And thanks to our troops, especially those overseas, who are over there so that we can celebrate. And to my good friends on the USS Abraham Lincoln, the USS Enterprise, and in the United States Marine Corps. Come home safe, you guys! Happy 4th of July and Congratulations to Isaac!

Afishionados,

Breaking news in the world of Barbaro! Brother-in-law Andrew sends in these shocking photos, revealing what little remains of our favorite horse.

Afishionados,

Maya (pictured above) left a very nice, well thought out, and grammatically correct post on Barbaro Dies, People Cry, Elmer Rejoices.

i amsolutely think it is not a god damn horse and it deserves at the very least 10 minutes of our time. But i am glad to hear that there was a fund raiser set up for it. I just saw a website of horse staughter. The hatred that filled in my heart because of those stupid people is sad and people like me horses are our life and they do not deserve to be killed intentionaly and we have no buiseness eating them. please write back

I’m not exactly sure what her intention was in writing me. After reading the letter, perhaps it’s to prove a point: that Barbaro could type, spell, and email better than her? And who said anything about “we” and “eating them [horses]“? Have some of you guys been eating horses behind my back? And if you are, how the hell did Maya find out? And why aren’t you sharing? Pass the sauce!

Thanks for the letter, Maya. You’ve given me a great idea for a future post involving Barbaro. Stay tuned…

Image courtesy of the infamous Ebaumsworld.

Afishionados,

My Barbaro post continues to garner attention. Today, pictured above, Dagjjkscoot (Ironically, the name literally translates to “One Who Has Sex With Horses” in Swahili) took the time to write me (as well as many of OFAL’s long and trusted loyal readers) one of the sweetest letters that the Fish has ever received. He’s also kindly volunteered his email address for all my future SPAM requests.

Horsehumper Dagjjkscoot writes:

Hey assholes! Barbaro wasn’t just a horse you fuckin fuckers! Go fuck yourself! If you hate horses then just don’t bother with them! And Barbaro was not made into glue you fuckin assholes! So that’s what I have to say! I loved Barbaro very much! And if any of you have a problem with that contact me at dagjjkscoot@comcast.net! Bye-Bye!

When Dagjjkscoot says he “loved Barbaro very much”, I imagine he means something like this (NSFW). But do I really “have a problem with that”? No, Dagjjkscoot, I don’t have a problem with you having sex with horses. But keep in mind that Barbaro is still dead and sex with dead horses is necrophelia and beastiality. And that’s just weird.

Please, folks, if you have a PlayStation 3 offer you want to sign up for, a credit application at a sporting event to get a free t-shirt, or religious paraphernalia you want sent out, please don’t forget my new friend Dagjjkscoot. I know I won’t.

dagjjkscoot@comcast.net

Dagjjkscoot’s photo courtesy of www.have-you-seen-this-man.com

Afishionados,

Life on the Lincoln marches on, hence the lack of much updating for the past month here on OFAL. Apologies. But thank you to everyone who continues to visit, including all the new folks upset about my Barbaro post. The fact that you have proven my power to truly upset complete strangers on the Internet cheers me up.

And now for something completely different.

On my way out the door of my apartment building last week, I discovered a pile of very old toys at the bottom of the stairwell. At first I didn’t think much of them, and I just assumed that perhaps a new tennant had temporarily left the toys there as they moved in. Then I remembered that it was 4:30 in the morning and nobody moves in that early.

Only a few toys existed: an old Mighty Mouse doll, a Smokey the Bear doll and a tin rocket ship. The stuffed animals were in pretty ragged shape, but the rocket is in excellent condition. Aside from the astronaut’s head, “television”, and various small parts of the rocket, the toy is all metal. It has a battery compartment which looks to hold “C” or “D” cell batteries, but I have not yet tried it out.

I’ve Googled various phrases and searched on eBay, but I haven’t been able to uncover any further information about the toy. I’m curious about it, especially since it’s in really good shape. It makes me wonder why anyone would just abandon it in an apartment stairwell.

Afishionados,

I saw a commercial on TV tonight for Cesar dog food. One of Cesar’s “flagship” flavors is “filet mignon”. Upon further investigation, they also offer “porterhouse steak” and “top sirloin”.

How does Cesar test and determine that their horse meat dog food really tastes like the flavors they sell? I wonder which flavor Barbaro tastes the most like?

Afishionados,

It’s been all over the news that Barbaro the horse has died today. My local news channel reported that a fund has been set up in the horse’s honor and has already raised over a million dollars. Apparently, proceeds will go to help other horses or animals with their animal problems.

Fans and past sexual partners of Barbaro also sent emails to the horse (before it died, of course) wishing it “good luck” and better health. Unfortunately (and obviously) in the end, these emails did little good for two reasons:

1.) Horses can’t read email.
2.) The damn thing died anyway.

Is this really newsworthy? Why did I have to hear about Barbaro for 10 minutes?

It’s just a goddam horse.