From Russia with love.

Afishionados,

Grand Theft Auto IV has been out for almost two weeks now, has brought in over $500 million, and is still buzzing in the media as to how violent it is and how’s it’s ruining America. I recently saw a video on YouTube featuring Glenn Beck talking about GTA IV. In case you don’t know, Glenn Beck is an asshole and a conservative. I know this is redundant, but I want to make this very clear.

Now, believe it or not, there is an even BIGGER asshole than Glenn Beck in the same video. And no, it’s not Bill O’Reilly, but good guess, though. No, it’s Jack Thompson, an asshole lawyer and a bible-beating Christian. I know this is redundant, too, but I wanted to make this very clear. It’s obvious to me that neither Beck nor Thompson have ever played any of the GTA games, which pretty much makes all their criticism null and void. (It’s like saying, “I hate the taste of this food” if you’ve never tried it before.)

Does your mother know you’re here?

Beck rants about how the game lets you have sex with prostitutes and then kill them and steal their money. This must really bother him, and I’m inclined to agree with him. I don’t know about you, but I only have sex with really good prostitutes and there is no way I would kill them when I was done. I mean, come on! If I did that, I’d have to find a whole new prostitute to sleep with and the might not be as talented as the one I beat to death with my baseball bat. Moral of the story: Treat your hookers with the respect they deserve.

If you’d never heard of Jack Thompson before today then consider yourself lucky. He’s an attorney who seems to specialize in placing the blame of school shootings, the pitfalls of society, and violent acts by youths on the gaming and media industry. The truth of the matter, however, is that he’s really just a self-righteous asshole who’s pissed off the state of Florida to the point where he might be disbarred soon. There really aren’t enough bad things I can say about this fucking moron.

BioShock: Arguably the best game of 2007

Further evidence of Thompson’s downright stupidity can be found right here. Essentially, Thompson was upset that a commercial for the game BioShock (a phenomenally great game, by the way) ran during the WWE’s Smackdown show. I know it’s shocking that something like a violent video game commercial would be shown during a television program as wholesome and moral-filled as wrestling, but apparently it got Jack’s panties in a wad. And what did Thompson do? He wrote a letter to Take Two Interactive and Rockstar Games (the makers of the GTA series). The only problem? Take Two and Rockstar had absolutely nothing to do with BioShock. (BioShock was made my 2K Games.) A good rule of thumb: If you’re going to write and send pointless letters about violent video games, at least make sure you send them to the people actually making the games. Dumbass.

Ultimately, what I believe it comes down to is parental responsibility. Games like GTA and BioShock are rated “M for Mature”, meaning you have to be 17 years or older to buy them. (Well, except for Australia. GTA IV had to be watered down for them because they’re softcore pansies.) This has been brought up many times before by people advocating the ESRB and gaming companies. Are there places that still sell to minors? Sure. But I think there is an even bigger point that people are overlooking, and one I’ve not seen brought up on any show or in any of the debates:

The cost involved in playing the games in the first place.

• The cheapest Xbox 360 is $279.00. And it doesn’t have a hard drive, so you have to spend about $20 more dollars on a memory card. The Xbox that most people own is around $349, which includes the 20 gigabyte hard drive (The memory cards and hard drives are necessary to save and play the games).
• The PlayStation 3 costs $399
• New games for each system (such as GTA IV) cost $60 each.
• You need a television or computer monitor to plug the console into in order to play the game. Prices of TVs are relatively cheap, but flat screen HD televisions are still expensive, especially for kids and teens on a limited budget.

The money to buy those things has to come from somewhere, and I’m willing to bet that it’s from the parents. Or the parents are buying the consoles and games in the first place. Don’t want your kids playing “bad” games? Don’t buy them the systems to play them on. “But what if my kid is exposed to games like GTA at their friend’s house?” I hear you ask. Well, I guess you have a point. In that case, lock your children in the basement and read the Bible together. Or better yet, don’t worry about it. Because chances are (unless they’re really dumb), your kid knows GTA is just a game and will probably turn out fine. And if not, it’s probably something else you screwed up at as a parent and is still not GTA’s fault. It’s probably best that you go and watch Oprah, try to sort out where you went wrong and failed your child, and:

Afishionados,

If Diane Keaton was a duck, she would look like this.  Now, moving on. Australia is awesome, but I’ve just read about the dumbest thing to come out of it since Speedos.

SYDNEY (Reuters Life!) - Walks like a duck, talks like a duck, dresses like a duck — it must be Australia’s duck fashion show.

Behatted ducks in pink, green and yellow outfits waddled down the catwalk in the Pied Piper Duck Show at one of Australia’s most famous annual country festivals.

Brian Harrington, who runs the show, believes his feathered models are just as talented as their human counterparts, and completely under-appreciated.

The 60-year-old has run the show for some 25 years and dresses his ducks according to the latest fashion trends for each event.

“I love that little duck. If she was a human, she’d be on top money,” said Harrington.

I have an Australian agent in the field that has done extensive research on ducks, but giving them their own fashion show? Dammit, people, birds are evil. They’re trying to take over, don’t you see? First it’s the little things, like shitting on your car or stupidly flying into your windows and doors because they supposedly don’t see the glass. Bullshit. All birds are liars. They see it. They’re just testing your house for weaknesses and determining the best time to strike. They mostly come at night. Mostly…

Soon, the madness continues and the next thing you know birds have their own fashion shows. Harmless, right? Just cute ducks in little costumes? WRONG. They’ve already scrutinized the integrity of your windows and plotted to peck your eyes out when you sleep, and this is just evidence that birds are trying to infiltrate society. They want to be destroy the system by being a part of it. Clever, but I’m on to them.

 

Afishionados,

This post comes with fine print. You must agree to the following terms and conditions before reading this post. If you do not agree, click here to go to a happy place.

By reading this post you agree with everything written, said, and/or posted on this blog. By reading this post you acknowledge that you might be one of (though certainly not limited to) the following:

Article I.

1. An Ubercunt.
2. An alcoholic.
3. An Evil Bitch.
4. A drug addict.
5. An absolute waste of human life.
6. A vindictive asshole.
7. A hypochondriac.
8. A liar.

By printing this post or any part of Old Fish and Lemonade and mailing it to ANY attorney you agree to ALL of the following:

Article II.

1. You agree to pay me $15,000 in cash.
2. You’re not worthy of the air you breathe.
3. Everything that I say is always right.
4. You’re completely incapable of doing anything for yourself because you can’t stand up to your parents.
5. I am absolutely fucking awesome.

If you do not agree with ALL of the above you are in violation of the terms and conditions hereby in effect immediately by order of the Awesome King as of this moment on Friday, November 30th in the year of our Lord 2007.

These terms and conditions do not apply to “Fellow Inmates” with the exception of Article II: Section 5.

::Whew:: Sorry about that. It seems that my Fairy Tale post has ruffled some feathers so I had to add a disclaimer for this one. Now, on with the post. And remember, NO PRINTING AND MAILING to attorneys without agreeing to the terms and conditions of this blog. Any similarities to persons or things in real life, no matter how guilty those persons or things’ consciences may be, is pure coincidence.

The Evil Bitch

Once upon a time in Magical Happy Land there lived an Evil Bitch. She was annoying, had short hair, and hunched a lot.

The Hideous and Overweight Scourge of the Land: The Ubercunt

The Evil Bitch could never do anything without the permission of the mentally unstable Ubercunt. No matter how much she thought she was independent, the Evil Bitch was not capable of thinking for herself or making decisions on her own, for fear of upsetting the Ubercunt. Upsetting the Ubercunt would only lead to panic attacks, severe dramatic upchucking, and a fast, albeit pointless, trip to the Room of Emergency.

One day, the Ubercunt got it in her head to continually pester the Awesome King by making shit up and sending him copies of his fairy tales by means of a Loiyar. Though the Ubercunt considered herself a super hero, the reality is that she was nothing more than a fat Ubercunt in really bad tights.

The Ubercunt on its cell phone.

One of the claims of the Ubercunt and the Evil Bitch was that the Awesome King had been “text messaging derogatory messages” to the Ubercunt’s phone. This was not at all true, however, and the Awesome King would be MORE THAN HAPPY AND WILLING to submit the last few records of his cell phone statements as proof. After all, the Awesome King only gets 200 text messages a month with His Majesty’s Service Plan, and why would he waste them on the Ubercunt when he’s since met so many beautiful women at college and work?

The Ubercunt and the Evil Bitch also feared that a specific line from the Awesome King’s Fairy Tale was a threat to their life. “If only they could be silenced forever”. The Awesome King was confused by their reaction to a fictitious tale, and certainly never planned to take the lives of anyone. Especially not with gas at $3.15 a gallon. Sadly, the Ubercunt and Evil Bitch were gravely mistaken if they thought that the Awesome King cared enough to travel so far to do such things. No, children, the Awesome King would never do that. The Awesome King never meant it as a death threat. But no one ever said that the Ubercunt or the Evil Bitch were intelligent and that the Awesome King’s schedule certainly did not revolve around them and their guilty consciences.

The Ubercunt, after learning that the world does not, in fact, revolve around her or the Evil Bitch.

In the end, the Awesome King also reminded the Ubercunt and the Evil Bitch that there existed, even in Magical Happy Land, the Bill of Rights. The Bill of Rights happened to include the First Amendment, which states:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

This gave the Awesome King the ability to continue to write his fictitious stories and share them with his followers and admirers throughout all of Magical Happy Land.

And so, the Awesome King continued to live a happier life with his newfound friends from school and work and the memories of much, MUCH happier times.

Afishionados,

Grades for this past quarter have been posted. I got straight As and it’s the first time that I’ve ever had a 4.00 GPA. Just about anything is easier than Nuke School, though. And design classes are a helluva lot more fun, too.

Of course, not everything can be an A. My Mozart brochure ended up being an 82 out of 100 (a low B), so the Colonel was very close in his estimation of a C. Nice work, Carnac.

Here’s the review, straight from her majesty’s mouth:

Several design elements have been editited and manipulated with Photoshop. Computers were to be used to write the panel of type and scan imags only. All effects were to be done manually. Copy inside was to be on ONE panel, not four. Nice overall look to piece.

Notice the typos of “editited” and “imags”. Perhaps it is just me, but shouldn’t professional graphic designers be able to correctly spell terminology associated with their line of work? And is the Queen’s eye so highly trained as to be able to determine which digital editing software suite was used on the Mozart piece? Could she really differentiate between Adobe Photoshop or Paint Shop Pro? Nay, says I. Methinks her highness hath stumbled upon the Fish, in which case I say to her: You’re a terrible professor and a hormonal bitch. Now go away.

The school is in the process of reaccreditation, so the instructors have been keeping various works to show “them” that the school is, in fact, capable of producing results. I shudder to think which brochures the Queen kept as examples of “A quality work”.

Afishionados,

Tonight was my last night with the Photocopy Queen. A BIG HOORAY to this, as I will never take another one of her classes ever again. What an uppity bitch she is. She works in Cincinnati at some design firm but lives and commutes to Dayton to teach. So she is always¹ in a FABULOUS mood when she arrives for class at 5:30 P.M. Tonight was no different. I’m pretty sure that my class is the worst she’s ever had, which isn’t really fair because most people do their work and turn it in on time. There are a couple of people that seem to have ruined it for the rest of us. I think the real problem is that most of the students in my class have personalities and the Photocopy Queen (PQ) doesn’t.

My final project was to create an brochure or pamphlet for my musician (Mozart). The way that the PQ wanted us to design the project was just as retarded as all her other “ideas”. Create a really nice comprehensive mockup and then (any guesses?) photocopy it for the final piece. If you have to, you may glue additional elements to your final piece as necessary.

No, I didn’t make a typo. You read that correctly. I said “glue”. Who the hell glues things into a FINAL brochure project? I can understand gluing two prints together to form a brochure, but I would never in a million years glue something inside a finished piece.

There is also a serious problem with students using images they found online inside their brochures. Copyright issues aside, the biggest problem with this is that the images are typically at resolutions of 72 dpi (dots per inch). This looks great on your monitor, but looks like total shit when you print it out. But nobody seems to be able to grasp this concept and of course the PQ never explained it to anyone. To better understand how poor 72 dpi is for printing, consider that a newspaper is about 150 dpi and most printed material you see (magazines, photos, books…etc.) is 300 dpi or better.

My classmates can be thankful that I am not their professor, because I would fail you instantly for using pixelated images in any final work that you turn into me. Instant F, no questions asked. I am a resolution Nazi.

I created my whole project by cheating with Photoshop at 300 dpi so it looked perfect when printed. I created a cover and back from scratch using an old leather texture. The cover should look familiar, because it’s what I was working on when I decided to redo Old Fish and Lemonade’s appearance. It even uses the same font.

Click for larger size (800 pixels wide)

All the burns, stains, and “spine crease” were added by me. There is also a gradient and burnt effect added to the text, in addition to separate stains for the W and the A (Wolfgang Amadeus, in case you were wondering). I “carved” the corner pieces out of a brass texture and added stains and cracks to them to make them look older as well.

Click for larger size (800 pixels wide)

There were 16 panel pieces in total, but these are the parts of the brochure that I like the best so I’m not showing you the other 6. The brochure unfolds to this “mini poster” made up of the interior 8 panels.

Notice the return of my flowery violin pattern! I wanted to use it somewhere in my final project and I’m glad I did. Also notice that the treble clef is stained inside and slightly blurred to look like an antique drawing or print. The text over Mozart’s head is a snippet from a biography paper we had to write about our musician and is typed in one of my favorite fonts. I added a slight golden glow to the text to make it look older, stained, and easier to read. The quote is from Mozart and is meant as a jab to the PQ and her ignorant beliefs about photocopying everything. I think my approach is better than hers.

The final brochure is 8.5 inches high and 17 inches wide. I printed the two parts on a plotter and used a spray adhesive (Barbaro in a can) to stick them together. I trimmed the edges so that they lined up then folded it together so it ultimately became a 4.25 inch brochure that unfolds into a poster. No glue or photocopying required!

Perhaps I am too conceited, but my brochure was one of the VERY few brochures that didn’t suck horribly. It really did look better than everyone else’s and I’m glad that I used the computer and Photoshop, despite the bitching of the PQ.

¹Never

Afishionados,

Borders Books and Music was kind enough to send me an email tonight, informing me of my membership earnings. I don’t know if I want to spend it all on one item or if I want to save some of it for later. I’d hate to just have it go to waste.

Afishionados,

You would think that someone considered to be quite the whore would not wear a costume that correlates with the old adage “Loose lips sink ships.” But, that would involved thinking, so I guess Paris is excused.

Happy Halloween!

Afishionados,

There are many of you out there bitching about the Cleveland Indians mascot being racist. I’ve even gotten comments about it here on my own blog, but I’ve deleted them and decided to do this post because:

1. The Cleveland Indians are awesome, even if they did lose to the Boston Red Sox. I don’t give a shit what you say.

2. For some of you, your fucking team is goddamn laundry.

3. You are retarded.

Therefore, I’ve made my own goddamn team. Since several of you have bitched, moaned, whined, and cried that there’s an abundance of professional sports teams that are “racist”, I’ve decided to pick on Whitey. That’s right, the crackers are gettin’ their own racist team. Suck it up.

The new team is the Honkies. And we bring our own bats. Don’t come crying to us about racist sports teams, because we’ll just smack you upside your ignorant head. We haven’t settled on a city yet, but are open to suggestions.

There are much bigger and much more important problems in the world than “racist” sports teams, so please do the world a favor and just shut the fuck up.

UPDATE: Due to a request from a faithful Honkies fan, I’ve made a small button you can proudly display on your own blog or website to show your team spirit. It’s a transparent .PNG file, so it should look okay on your web site no matter what color your background is. Enjoy, and Go Honkies!

Afishionados,

Once upon a time there lived an evil bitch. She was short and had red hair and she was very annoying.

The evil bitch was married to an Awesome King, but filed to leave him when the King was out of the castle visiting a family member that had just come back from the Crusades.

The evil bitch lacked any self confidence, so she made friends with idiots more easily than most. The idiots and the evil bitch liked to hang out and talk about how pointless their existence really was.

As a means to deal with her incompetence, the evil bitch turned to alcohol. This caused her to throw up in the King’s castle and pass out on the floor.

The evil bitch’s mother was even worse. Her mother was a rare species known throughout the land as an Ubercunt: A vicious creature that is known to suffer from hypochondria, laziness, drug addiction, and the Lifetime television network.

The evil bitch was completely incapable of ever saying “NO” to the Ubercunt. Anything the Ubercunt asked of the evil bitch, the evil bitch did. No matter what. After deciding to leave the Awesome King, the evil bitch teamed up with the Ubercunt to try and displease the Awesome King. Much like their own lives, their attempts were futile and pointless.

One day, the Awesome King received a packet of bullshit paperwork from the Ubercunt and the evil bitch. It had been sent via another feared beast, known as a Loiyar. As it turned out, the Ubercunt and the evil bitch had been reading His Majesty’s Royal Blog! Unfortunately for the Ubercunt and the evil bitch, His Almighty Highness the Awesome King had expected this all along, and so he had been careful as to what he should post about.

The packet of bullshit paperwork contained reproductions of the Awesome King’s posts about his new cell phone and his new Adobe software for school, along with complaints as to the funding of such niceties. The Awesome King never admitted to paying for these niceties himself, and so the cries of the Ubercunt and evil bitch were silenced. If only they could be silenced forever.

As long as the Ubercunt and the evil bitch are reading the Awesome King’s blog, they may as well also know that the Awesome King has recently acquired the brand spankin’ new Apple operating system, Mac OS X 10.5 Leopard a full two days earlier than the general public. And there is absolutely no way in hell that the Awesome King will ever send the Ubercunt and the evil bitch a copy for their *outdated* iMac.

And the Awesome King continued to live on, happier than ever without the evil bitch around.

Afishionados,

In the spirit of Mike’s excellent Myth vs. Reality blog, I offer my own submission.

Myth

Reality