Afishionados,

Summertime is here, and I feel obligated to go over some very important safety tips. So, if you wouldn’t mind, please give me your undivided attention. No, really, this is serious. FOCUS, DAMMIT!

I appreciate you looking me right in the eyes with that look on your face. This way I know you’re paying attention. It also lets me know that you’re taking this seriously. Good

Now, some of the things that many people enjoy over the summer are sunbathing and swimming. Without proper precautions, however, you could end up looking like this:

Jesus Christ what the fuck was that? It’s one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen. Someone fetch me my gun. I’m gonna see if I can scare it back into the woods before it drinks my blood.

Hats are an excellent way to help keep the sun off you. Make sure you get a big one that even Carmen Sandiego would be proud of. Now, excuse me as I pause for a moment to admire Leighton Meester’s cleavage big hat.

Always use two hands when getting into the pool. When it’s this hot, things can get pretty slippery and wet, and you’ll want to be careful. Use both hands, get a firm grip, and gently ease yourself inside. If you’re fat and/or ugly, make sure only go swimming at night so that I don’t have to see you in a bathing suit.

Rafts can be fun, but difficult to inflate. The bigger they are, the harder you will have to blow. Always use caution. Be mindful of your surroundings and others in the pool, and try to stay abreast of the situation at all times.

By following these simple safety steps, you’ll help keep yourself out of harm’s way and your skin looking young and beautiful. You do will look better than Keira Knightley ever before! Healthy skin is important, unless you are fat and/or ugly. Should you fall into that category, you shouldn’t be in my pool in the first place.

On a completely unrelated note, I love you, Leighton Meester.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 18th, 2008 at 6:18 pm and is filed under Hot Babes, Humor, Mind Wandering. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.