Football is Overrated
Afishionados,
I spent yesterday afternoon with some family members and one weird Wisconsin fan watching the Ohio State game. I am not a football fan and never really have been. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t know most of the rules. I will also be the first to admit that I also don’t care what the rules are. I am pretty sure that football would still suck, even if I did learn everything.
I’ve watched a lot of football games, but they have never entertained me. Usually it’s a Super Bowl party and I am just there for the free food. I just don’t understand how so many people can be so infatuated with something that is nothing more than homoerotic male bonding + ballet.
First, the uniforms. Must they be so tight? I’m not saying you have to run around in robes and shit, but come on. Nobody likes when a fat woman wears spandex. But it’s okay for a herd of 300 pound men to wear tighter-than-tight pants? And what’s with all the ass tapping? I don’t want to pat a man on the ass, but it seems like a requirement for football. Blatantly placing one’s hand (or any part thereof) upon another man’s butt cheek is a homosexual act. And that’s fine if you’re into that sort of thing.
The game primarily focuses on these huge guys running around, sweating, and hugging each other. That’s pretty much it. And nothing exciting ever happens. Sure, one of the players will grab the “ball” (which it isn’t) and run hundreds of yards to score a touchdown.
He might be a fast runner, yes, but he’s just gotta outrun those huge gargantuan guys who are trying to fondle tackle him. What is so special about that? Even a New Beetle can outrun a Semi. Plus, a lot of those football cheerleaders are really hot. Why not run after them instead? Why chase the fat dude in the tight pants?
The game also takes hundreds of hours to play. Here’s how this is broken down: The whole ballet team huddles to talk about their next move and how awesome everyone is doing with their toe point and dance routine. Then they form a line, which they hope to touch, grab, and hug other members of the opposing ballet squad. A magical clock is started, runs for 30 seconds or so, and then stops. So even though football has four quarters around 15 minutes long, the clock only runs in 30 second increments.
In between these increments, former ballet players talk about their own glory days, what the new dancers are doing wrong, how great the new ballerinas are doing, and who they think is going to win and why based on their dance routines. A great deal of time is also spent nitpicking video replays of everyone, just in case you missed anything that happened within that 30 second window.
And then there is the mystical flag. At the start of the play, someone always fucks up. It doesn’t matter who or what, but it’s inevitable. You will know when someone fucks up because the Hamburglar comes out of nowhere and throws down his all-powerful flag. He then stops the clock, walks onto the field, and does the dumbest mime impersonation that you’ve ever seen. A lot of people can’t pat their head and rub their stomach at the same time, but the Hamburglar does this on a regular basis. And then, of course, because the clock is stopped, the television has to flash over to the middle-aged commentators arguing about who did or did not fuck up and was the Hamburglar’s call valid.
Eventually, one of the dance teams will win and the crowd will go apeshit. Some TV reporter will then find a dancer who made a great play during the game and ask them the same, retarded questions that are always asked:
“Ballet Man, you guys looked tough out there today! Why do you think your team won?”
The correct answer, of course, is this: “Because our team scored more points than the other team.” But the ballet squad is not allowed or is otherwise incapable of simply stating the truth, so they must reply with bullshit.
“Well, TV guy, our opponents really brought it today and they played a great game. Our team has been working hard and we’ve been really focused, and I think we just came together today and really pulled through. We’ve got some great players on our side who have a lot of talent and we have a lot of great coaching, and I think it could be a good year for us.”
At least the Super Bowl has entertaining commercials.
November 4th, 2007 at 8:39 pm
I happen to think those 300 plus pound men in skin tight pants with their guts hanging over and out of their uniforms are sexy.
Admit it,you’re jealous!
November 4th, 2007 at 8:50 pm
PrePo: Nope, not jealous. If you’re into huge men, tht’s your
problembusiness.November 4th, 2007 at 9:16 pm
November 4th, 2007 at 9:21 pm
Well, I guess I am into that thing. I mean, Sagacious Hillbilly still persists in hanging around my blog despite my best efforts to get rid of that bastard.
November 4th, 2007 at 9:42 pm
Sirdar: WWE?!? How dare you post here. If you admit you like NASCAR, I will ban you. And my feeling will be hurt.
AngryMan: Well, you and C.Rag are the only ones who post on his blog. And I dunno about Blogger, but there are ways of banning people with WordPress.
November 5th, 2007 at 7:13 am
“The game also takes hundreds of hours to play.”
And you like baseball?
Yes there is something gay about grown men in spandex touching & grunting each other, but the gayest sport ever is wrestling.
November 5th, 2007 at 7:14 am
Also I like the new layout.
November 5th, 2007 at 7:59 am
Well said. I hate football, and I can’t stand the religious-like fervor around it.
November 5th, 2007 at 10:25 am
C. Rag: You don’t like baseball because you only like things that are over in 2 minutes or less. Like AngryMan. And yes, wrestling is gay. Maybe that should be another post.
HTGT: It’s not nearly as cool as baseball
November 5th, 2007 at 10:38 am
The GODS of FOOTBALLS will be very upset.
November 5th, 2007 at 11:39 am
C.Rag: There is no football god, there is only zuul.
November 5th, 2007 at 11:58 am
You may be the only person living in Ohio that doesn’t like football. I’m not a huge fan either. Of course when you live in Michigan, you learn to hate it. It’s almost always disappointing.
I will watch a couple of games a year and those are mostly college games. There’s just something disturbing about fat illiterate men getting paid huge sums of money to chase each other around carrying a little ball.
That said, I do like to watch the super bowl. I have high hopes that some day there will be another Janet Jackson boob-baring moment.
November 5th, 2007 at 12:40 pm
i hang around your blog, angryman, because i know how much you want to pound my ass, and i want you to pound my ass. i keep leaving these homo erotic comments here, but nooooo jedimacfan doesnt seem interested. maybe if i was in drag as that australian singing chick misty… but even then, he would probably hafta be drunk.
oh, just so you know, angryman, i’ve named my baby jesus butt plug after you. so it’s like a little piece of you being inserted into my ass every day.
i love football season!
November 5th, 2007 at 2:58 pm
There’s only Xenu a.k.a. Tom Cruise.
November 6th, 2007 at 10:47 am
See, this is what’s so cool about the Patriots these days. When some lame-ass reporter asks Our Bill why the Pats won, he looks at them as if they’ve grown a third arm and says “because we scored more points. Does anyone have a question that isn’t stupid? But don’t bother because I won’t answer that either. You guys suck. Get out.”
November 6th, 2007 at 6:33 pm
…hundreds of hours to play. This reminds me of when I was a teenager and had no idea how long a game was. I’d seen games on t.v. and they always seemed to be on 6 or 7 hours. My sister and I told my Grandma one night that we were going to a football game but went to a party instead. When we got home 8 hours later we had some explaining to do.
November 6th, 2007 at 6:34 pm
I like the new header. It reminds me of a burnt football.
November 6th, 2007 at 6:40 pm
Mike: I lived in Columbus and worked near the OSU campus. Whenever there was a game, business was dead because no one could park.
Col: They’re not supposed to do that. Don’t let anyone else know, or they might move your team.
Chickie: I bet you’re a fun person to party with. Especially since you’re married to Vincent Donofrio. As for the header, you’re not too far off. I used an old leather texture to make it.
November 7th, 2007 at 10:10 am
Gotta disagree with you here. I used to not like football when I was little. During football games, I’d - instead - go shopping with my mom.
I’m sure my dad was devastated.
I thank God to this very day that I saw the beauty in a game of violence. Otherwise, I’d be at Kohl’s right now picking out a nice blouse to wear home from my sex-change operation.
Plus, it gives you an excuse to stay home on Sundays in your pajamas, and not have to go to church. Cheerleaders are SO much hotter than altar boys.
..unless..you know..you’re a Catholic priest.
November 7th, 2007 at 2:40 pm
i like those fantasy football teams. only i want to do a little twist on it, i want to have all of my favorite fictional characters on two teams, and then theorize who would win. the most fanfuckingtastic team would have Spiderman, Jesus, Walker Texas Ranger, The Incredible Hulk, and a sober Gary Busey.
November 8th, 2007 at 12:35 pm
Look up the video “2 Girls 1 Cup” and watch it. The material featured in the video should make for an interesting disscusion topic.
November 11th, 2007 at 6:44 am
You bunch of huge nerds, football is the greatest game ever, since soccer. Does your mother know that you write this shit on the internet? I had a snappy add-on but I forgot it. Beans, beans, the magical fruit, the more you eat the more you toot, the more you toot, the better you feel, so eat your beans with every meal!!
November 15th, 2007 at 3:15 pm
Football? The only thing more boring would be watching slightlyannoyedman trying to compose an interesting and readable post.