Afishionados,

Seems being a kid these days has a lot more risk involved than when I was growing up. I watched MSNBC news this morning, and everyone is all upset over this Chinese toys with lead paint problem.

Believe it or not, I too, used to have toys. Some of them even featured lead paint. One of my favorite cartoons and toys as a kid was Voltron. I couldn’t tell you in a million years what the hell the plot of Voltron is, but as a kid (when such things are trivial matters), I loved it.

I do remember that the toy was a whole bunch of lions that snapped together to form a badass robot dude with a sword. I think they even flew through outer space or something. About the only way to make Voltron any cooler would be to give him a lightsaber and have Keira Knightley involved somehow.

Two of the lions were Voltron’s legs. Voltron accomplished this amazing feat by sticking the stumpy part of his leg into the blue and yellow lions’ assholes. (Really, this is how it was done.) Once his stump locked into the lion’s ass, BOOM, he had a leg. I don’t remember Voltron doing much running, and for the sake of the yellow and blue lions, I hope this was true.

It just so happens that the blue lion was painted with lead paint. My parents didn’t give a damn whether or not I ate blue lead paint, but they were always happy to see me miserable. So they took my blue lion and mailed it in for a free replacement, which did not have blue lead paint.

This didn’t bother me so much, because the blue lion was the GIRL’s lion. I never played with it by itself. Unfortunately, she WAS a pivotal portion of the super badass robot version of Voltron. Without her, Voltron had a difficult time walking. Why oh why did the blue lion girl have to paint her fuckin’ lion with blue lead paint? Thanks for screwing up Voltron, bitch.

It probably wasn’t more than a week or two until the new blue lion replacement showed up, but by my recollection, it took more like 2 or 3 years to get there. And when it did show up, it didn’t match the rest of the lions because her shiny, silver paint on her plastic lion limbs was still intact and none of her paint was chipped off. But at least Voltron could walk again.

Another danger facing children these days is spontaneous combustion on playgrounds. WHHAAAA…? A playground in Arlington, Texas caught on fire, and spontaneous combustion was to blame. No kids were hurt, apparently, but it did cause quite a bit of damage. I’m not so sure that it was spontaneous combustion so much as the Wrath of God. After all, if anyone needs to be punished, it’s gotta be Texas.

There you have it folks, I survived lead based paints and wood chips as a kid, and so can you’re children. Just make sure you don’t let them play with any toys or let them near playgrounds.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 14th, 2007 at 5:41 pm and is filed under Bullshit, Current Events, Help!, Humor, Mind Wandering, News, Nostalgia, Observations, Oddities. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.