Afishionados,

It’s always been my intention to be as compatible with as many computer configurations as possible. Unfortunately, the other guys just don’t always play fair. I’ve been using the Anarchy Media Player to display all my videos in Flash format, because everyone has Flash these days. It’s the same video format as YouTube.

Microsoft, however, has fucked up something in Internet Explorer 7, which has rendered Anarchy Media Player incompatible. And, of course, the Flash files won’t play without it, even with the Adobe Flash plugin.

So, friends (and enemies), from now on, Old Fish and Lemonade is embracing Apple’s QuickTime video format for any and all future video posts. It’s a free download, so go get it. www.apple.com/quicktime/download. Seriously. It’s a thousand and one times better than Microsloth’s Windoze Media Player. Do you have an iPod? Then you have QuickTime installed already, cuz you need it to use iTunes. Congratulations.

Goddamn I hate Microsoft.

Afishionados,

I’m happy to announce two new additions to our beloved family. Two new Intel Macs have been purchased for our humble home. A new 24; 2.4 GHz iMac and a 15″ 2.4 GHz MacBook Pro. Woo hoo. This brings the total number of Macs in the house to four, and the number in the family to five. Sure, we’ve still got a couple retarded PCs in the house but every family has its losers, right?

The big incentive for the le grande purchase was video chatting. Have you ever tried to video chat on a PC with more than one person? No, of course you haven’t because it’s ridiculously difficult if not impossible. Skype is free, but the video quality is crappy. AIM is nice, but what do you do it the person you want to chat with is on Yahoo? Bleh.

I’ve had my first foursome this week (video chat, anyway). My nephew in Cleveland was able to talk to Grandpa, Grandma, his Aunt, and myself, all for free and through the power of iChat. I’ve done video chats before, but never with more than one person at a time. It’s amazing how well it actually worked and the video quality was pretty good.

I don’t know why, but with so many new Macs in the house I’ve been thinking about my first Mac computer. It was the Titanium PowerBook G4 and it was (and still is) one of the sexiest computers ever. The tech specs are laughable by today’s standards, but in 2001 they were, as Darth Vader would say, impressive. Most impressive.

My TiBook had a 500 MHz G4 processor, 256 megabytes of RAM, a 20 gigabyte hard drive, a DVD-ROM drive (no burning of any kind), a 15″ screen with 1152 x 768 resolution, and Mac OS 9.1. The starting price was $3499, but that was before I added the wireless networking card, which was an additional $99.

Click here to see the original Titanium PowerBook commercial.

In comparision, my MacBook Pro has a 2.4 GHz processor, 4 gigabytes (4096 megabytes) of RAM, a 160 gigabyte hard drive, built-in wireless networking, a DVD/CD burner, a 15″ screen with 1440 x 900 resolution, and Mac OS X 10.4.10. The cost of my model MacBook Pro is $2499. So the features have gone up but the price has come down.

I uncovered, after much, MUCH digging within Google, the original Titanium PowerBook information video. It’s only 5 minutes long, and it’s funny to see how excited everyone is by something that, by today’s standards, is an obsolete antique. Still, I wish I’d kept mine around for nostalgic purposes, but I sold it many years ago for the 667 MHz version.

The video is cool, I promise. It even has the song “Rain Dance” by Karl Jenkins in it. You can’t lose!

Click here to watch the five minute Titanium PowerBook information video.

The Dell Inspiron 8600 that the MacBook Pro replaced has been formatted with an all-but-legit permanently activated version of Windows Vista Ultimate and is on its way to my brother Drew, who’s hard as hell on all his electronic equipment, gadgets, and toys. I figure, if you’re going to beat the shit out of something, might as well be a Dell with Windows.

(To the Dell’s credit, I am impressed that the ~3 year old laptop runs Windows Vista Ultimate with all its glorious bells, whistles, and eye candy. But, it’s still Windows.)

I’m sold on Macs for life. If you’re a Windows user and you’re happy with your PC, that’s great. I’m not looking to start a platform war. But if you’re a Windows user and you’re unhappy, remember: You don’t have to love your computer. But you certainly shouldn’t have to hate it, either.

Think different.

Afishionados,

Should I get the medium or the large? I just can’t decide.

Afishionados,

I took an exam today in hopes of testing out of an Introduction to the Macintosh Operating System class when I go back to college on September 5th. I’ve been using Macs since the original Titanium PowerBook came out circa 2001. And I’ve been using Mac OS X since version 10.1 came out.

So, I expected this class to be relatively easy. You have an hour to answer a written test, as well as perform a “hand on” portion. The class is designed to teach you how to use Mac OS X, so I assumed that the questions would relate to this simple objective. How difficult could it possibly be?

The test started out very simple:

1. How is the X in Mac OS X pronounced?

“Okay,” I thought, “no problem. This test is easy.”

Then weird shit started getting asked.

What are the three basic types of keys on the Macintosh keyboard?

What? I didn’t know there were three basic types of keys. Function and… what else? Letter key? Number key? Anarch Key? How does this relate to the OS? Whatever, next question.

What are two methods for writing applications for Mac OS X?

This question confused me and lead to a challenging discussion with the instructor giving the class. I asked him for clarification.

“Are you asking the types of programs used to write apps or the types of apps that are written by these programs?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“Which is it? The programs used or the results of the programs?”

“Yes.”

“What? You aren’t answering my question.” My frustration in MP3 format.

The answers ended up being “Carbon” and “Cocoa”, which I did know, but the question was poorly worded. I thought they were looking for Xcode and something else.

I know that 99% of you reading this have absolutely no idea what I am talking about. And that’s my point. The class is designed for total beginners, and total beginners do not need to be asked questions about Carbon and Cocoa application writing. BECAUSE IT DOESN’T MATTER.

I imagine the guy who wrote this test is the type of guy who can build you a computer out of your toaster, but can’t tie his own shoe. The same type of guy who can tell you all about the science of pheromones but has never actually kissed a girl. You know the type.

Also, this is an important message for any idiots who set up computer labs. If you’re going to have a 22″ CRT monitor plugged into the computer, don’t set the resolution for 1024 x 768. Save that shit for your 10″ screens. Oh, I’d also like to thank the same asshat who fucked up the resolution for setting the refresh rate to 60 Hz as well. How did you know that my eyes love the strobe effect of watching the screen refresh itself? Are you trying to give me a seizure?

Finally, Adobe Systems, makers of such infamous titles as Photoshop and Acrobat. I own two legal copies of Photoshop CS3 Extended for Mac. Which is nice, because I can call for tech support, right? You’d think so, but…no.

I was having problems with Photoshop remembering my settings and installing updates. I tried the usual (restart, reinstall, etc.) but to no avail. So I called Adobe for help.

“I can’t get Version Cue to update correctly and Photoshop won’t remember my workspace settings.”

“Huh. Well, no one uses Version Cue anyway”

“Then why do I need it installed to Save my files?”

“Well, yea, there is that.”

“Yes, I would like the ability to save my files.”

“Huh.”

Idiot. What’s the point of actually buying a legal copy if you can’t get help? It’s not as if you get support for downloaded versions from Bit Torrent. Gee, thanks Adobe.

And while we’re on the topic of buying Adobe software legally, why does their shit have to cost so damn much money? Perhaps it’s because there’s no longer any competition.

This package would set you back $1800 if you weren’t a student. Still, it’s $600. Do you know how many nuggets I could buy at Wendy’s for that? I could buy every chicken on the farm. It’s nice that students get 2/3 off the commercial price, but $600 is still outrageous.

/end rant.

Afishionados,

This post courtesy of the Man of Mystery. Aside from her slurred speech, strange scent of alcohol, and constant inability to walk straight, she’s a great teacher. I’m sure that Ms. Sheri Druckenbrod is a fantastic and very qualified teacher, but come on. We all know the real reason why she was nominated for this award.

Afishionados,

I ordered a pizza yesterday from PizzaHut.com. And I saw something profoundly retarded on their web site, which I feel compelled to share with you.

Here is a clip from a screenshot of their online ordering web site. I’ve sized it down so it fits on the Fish, but you get the idea.

Pizza Hut gives you the option to choose which side of the pizza you want your toppings on. They don’t do thirds or fourths, only halves. And it’s all up to you which side you want the pepperoni on, and which side you want everything else that sucks on. BUT, you ask yourself, what happens if you accidentally put the pepperoni (that you intended to have on the left side) on the right side of the pizza and the anchovies, pineapple, peppers, and mushrooms on the left side? Heavens to Betsy! The world is collapsing!

I’ve created a short video, using the new Apple iMovie ‘08 (which, by the way, aside from the new titles feature, sucks horribly) that explains what to do should you ever make this horrifying oversight yourself. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a real pizza and all I have is a very old all-in-one fax, copier, espresso machine, and printer that prints only black and white. But you can, in the name of science, pretend that it is, indeed, a delicious (and colorful) pizza pie. And now, without further adieu:

See the Pizza Predicament video

The world is full of idiots that I’m convinced would never be able to figure this out on their own.

Afishionados,

A friend of mine requested that I Photoshop a friend of his playing the guitar. This is his friend and this is the original image (above). I made the guitar picture, but I also made one of my own. I think it’s funny enough to share, so here you go.

I think Richard’s face is what really makes it priceless.

Afishionados,

School starts, at long last, the first week in September. And Uncle Sam is paying for quite a bit of it. I’ve gotten a part time job, just for spending money, gas, books, whatever, and I really fucking hate it. The people at this place are one or all of the following:

• 1. Asshole
• 2. Retarded
• 3. Worthless
• 4. Incompetent

Seriously. It’s definitely NOT a job where we’re saving lives, but the way the whole staff acts you’d think so. I’ve only been working here a short time, but I came so close to just walking out today. And I’m sure that there are natives in the Congo who get paid more than me, too.

Honestly, at what point do you cut your losses and just move on? I’m supposed to work at 8 AM tomorrow, but I can’t guarantee that I will make it. And even if I DO, I definitely can’t promise that I won’t just disappear while on a break and never come back.

Afishionados,

Seems being a kid these days has a lot more risk involved than when I was growing up. I watched MSNBC news this morning, and everyone is all upset over this Chinese toys with lead paint problem.

Believe it or not, I too, used to have toys. Some of them even featured lead paint. One of my favorite cartoons and toys as a kid was Voltron. I couldn’t tell you in a million years what the hell the plot of Voltron is, but as a kid (when such things are trivial matters), I loved it.

I do remember that the toy was a whole bunch of lions that snapped together to form a badass robot dude with a sword. I think they even flew through outer space or something. About the only way to make Voltron any cooler would be to give him a lightsaber and have Keira Knightley involved somehow.

Two of the lions were Voltron’s legs. Voltron accomplished this amazing feat by sticking the stumpy part of his leg into the blue and yellow lions’ assholes. (Really, this is how it was done.) Once his stump locked into the lion’s ass, BOOM, he had a leg. I don’t remember Voltron doing much running, and for the sake of the yellow and blue lions, I hope this was true.

It just so happens that the blue lion was painted with lead paint. My parents didn’t give a damn whether or not I ate blue lead paint, but they were always happy to see me miserable. So they took my blue lion and mailed it in for a free replacement, which did not have blue lead paint.

This didn’t bother me so much, because the blue lion was the GIRL’s lion. I never played with it by itself. Unfortunately, she WAS a pivotal portion of the super badass robot version of Voltron. Without her, Voltron had a difficult time walking. Why oh why did the blue lion girl have to paint her fuckin’ lion with blue lead paint? Thanks for screwing up Voltron, bitch.

It probably wasn’t more than a week or two until the new blue lion replacement showed up, but by my recollection, it took more like 2 or 3 years to get there. And when it did show up, it didn’t match the rest of the lions because her shiny, silver paint on her plastic lion limbs was still intact and none of her paint was chipped off. But at least Voltron could walk again.

Another danger facing children these days is spontaneous combustion on playgrounds. WHHAAAA…? A playground in Arlington, Texas caught on fire, and spontaneous combustion was to blame. No kids were hurt, apparently, but it did cause quite a bit of damage. I’m not so sure that it was spontaneous combustion so much as the Wrath of God. After all, if anyone needs to be punished, it’s gotta be Texas.

There you have it folks, I survived lead based paints and wood chips as a kid, and so can you’re children. Just make sure you don’t let them play with any toys or let them near playgrounds.

Afishionados,

I dunno if I am still gaspin fer my bloggin breff, but SOMEONE’s gotta keep campaigning around here.

Click for full size. Oh, and the inspiration comes from the famous Presidential Candidate himself.