Afishionados,

I logged into my free Gmail account today and was greeted with this image. I think it’s a sign to move on and away from free email. I just get too much junk mail.

Since my parents can never remember my email address and they still believe it to be something@aol.com, I have decided to make my new email address idiot parent proof. Here it is:

Yes, mom and dad, you read it correctly. It’s MY FIRST NAME at THIS WEB SITE’S ADDRESS. Simple.

Ah, who am I kidding? Someone will fuck it up. For this reason, I’ve set up my old Gmail account to forward all mail to my new one for the time being. This is temporary, though, so bust out those bifocals and learn the new one posthaste!

Afishionados,

The Oscars are this Sunday and my wardrobe has finally arrived in the mail. I can’t wait to meet Keira Knightley on the red carpet wearing this baby. Oooooo she’ll be so impressed.

Many, many, MANY thanks to the peculiar and perplexing Peter Miller. Please go buy his music and artwork so that he can afford to send me more stuff in the future.

READ THESE IN THIS ORDER TO FULLY APPRECIATE THE T-SHIRT JOKE:

1. If You Only See One Film This Summer…

2. Cattle Call

3. If You Only Buy One CD This Summer…

4. Pick a Bale o’ Cotton

5. The Answers [to Pick a Bale o' Cotton]

Wondering what the hell this is all about? It helps to understand that OFAL is really only a third of a much bigger blog. To fully (mis)understand the Fish, one must also regularly read Tetherd Cow Ahead and The Joey Polanski Show. It’s an unholy alliance to be sure but the rooms in the nut house are crowded, and so we have to share.

Afishionados,

A sign on our newspaper machine outside the apartment complex’s office. It’s hard to believe that newspaper commerce is not a government operation, what with signs like these.

Afishionados,

I saw a commercial on TV tonight for Cesar dog food. One of Cesar’s “flagship” flavors is “filet mignon”. Upon further investigation, they also offer “porterhouse steak” and “top sirloin”.

How does Cesar test and determine that their horse meat dog food really tastes like the flavors they sell? I wonder which flavor Barbaro tastes the most like?

Afishionados,

I know it’s a little late, especially for you east coast folks (and Australians), but I wanted to say it anyway: Happy VD.

Image courtesy of this site.

Afishionados,

For reasons that I cannot explain, the memory of a toy from my childhood popped into my brain tonight. Specificially, my brother’s (Drew) Teddy Ruxpin from the late 1980s.

Teddy Ruxpin was a toy bear that featured a moving mouth, blinking eyes, and the ability to tell stories. I can’t recall specifically what Teddy’s overall quest was, only that he encountered various creatures and made many new friends along the way.

Two of his best friends were Newton Gimmick and Grubby, a crazy old human inventor and a large yellow caterpiller-like creature respectively. They cruised around in a bad-ass airship in search of new adventure. I wish my life could be that cool.

The original Teddy Ruxpin toy had a cassette player built into his back. His stories came with a color picture book and a cassette tape. Simply insert the tape into Teddy’s back, sit back, then watch and listen as he shared his tale. Teddy was also in cahoots with the battery industry, as he sucked down four C batteries like Homer Simpson chugs beer.

As young kids, my brothers and I did not have our own cassette player. We did, however, manage to own one music cassette tape between the three of us: an illegal copy of the Top Gun soundtrack, transferred via my dad’s record player no less. Ah, how I miss the sweet, sweet sounds of the popping and crackling of vinyl transferred to the cheapest cassette tapes that K-Mart sold. Those were the good ol’ days…

So, what do kids with one tape and no tape player do? Slap that sucker into their Teddy Ruxpin, of course!

When it came to Teddy’s own tapes, his mouth only moved when he spoke on the cassette. But when Kenny Loggins started playing “Highway to the Danger Zone”, Teddy flipped the fuck out. His eyes twitched, his mouth jittered, and he sang his little heart out in joyous, epileptic fashion.

Sadly, thereafter Teddy was never the same again. His eyes and mouth continued to twitch horribly (ironically, I now share Teddy’s reaction when I hear Kenny Loggins music) and he no longer only spoke when his character talked on the tape. Kenny Loggins killed our Teddy Ruxpin.

Teddy has since been through four various companies but has been resurrected once again. He now uses digital cartridges instead of cassette tapes and uses four AA batteries vice the original four C, but he still looks like the lovable bear from my childhood.

Afishionados,

Dining out all the time can really add up quickly. Fortunately, Hostess has realized this important fact and decided to help. Why should I have to shell out an entire dollar for my box of Twinkies when I can save money by making my own? When I think of all the money I’ll save by squirting my own creamy whiteness into the center instead of just eating out… well, I get excited.

&Afishionados,

After weeks of nonstop busywork onboard the Lincoln, I’ve been able to finally spend a quiet Friday night at home. I’m feeling exceptionally introspective tonight on the eve of my 25th birthday. I’ve been thinking how fast time has flown since I was 15, which leads me to believe that there is some truth to the old adage that “the more things change the more they stay the same”.

I’ve always had a passion for electronic gadgets. Ten years ago, my grandma bought me my first “sound system”. It had a compact disc player, two cassette decks, detachable speakers, and a remote control. It was also the very first CD player that I ever owned.

My CD player sat atop my twenty-some inch RCA television that was a hand-me-down from my grandpa. It was one of those console TVs from the early 90s that was encased in its own, ugly wooden cabinet. The picture tube was dying, so the lower corners of the screen “featured; large, green patches, but at least it was a color TV with a remote. I didn’t have cable TV in my room, but my dad helped me hook it up to our outdoor antenna so I was able to get the five local channels in my area.

Attached to my television was my first “home theater system”: My first (and only) VCR, complete with mono sound output and a wired remote control¹. Yea, sure, it ate tapes on occasion and the tracking could never be adjusted correctly, but it was still awesome.

My parents refused to buy me a Nintendo of any kind (something that upset me as a kid but am now thankful for, as it allowed me to grow up with my own imagination instead), though I did grow up with an Atari ST. It was our first home computer and allowed for word processing as well as gameplaying.

These days, things are nearly the same, but I am more attached to my toys and I have upgraded them. My TV has been upgraded to a 32 inch flat panel LCD, My VCR to a 1080i/720p DVD player, my boombox to a Denon surround sound tuner and an incredible 5.1 Definitive Technology speaker system, and my Atari to a Mac laptop, an Xbox 360, and a Nintendo Wii. Oh, and I have cable now instead of an antenna. Hell, I even managed to get a Logitech Harmony remote that is not only wireless, but seamlessly controls every entertainment device in my house as well.

This birthday seems like a big milestone for me and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I finally feel like I’m a “grown up” but I don’t really want to be. I may not be a kid anymore, but with all my fancy electronics I sure feel like one. But I would trade all of them for a chance to go back in time, just once, and play with my brothers in the backyard like we used to, dressed as Ninja Turtles and single-handingly saving the neighborhood from the Nazis who were always trying to kill us.

¹Yea, it was wired, but at least the cord could reach 6 to 8 feet away

Afishionados,

My apartment has underground parking, and every space is labeled “Compact”. Including the one where someone parked their big-ass, gas guzzling SUV.

Afishionados,

IHOP is having a special in their restaurants¹: All you can eat pancakes. Honestly, who thinks to themself, “Damn. I’m sitting here all alone and all I want are some pancakes. But not just any pancakes. All you can eat pancakes are what I need.”

I’m not sure that I have ever finished even a single order of pancakes when I’ve gone out to eat, let alone ponder the possibilities of an endless supply. For me, it’s like eating a lot of bread. It just fills me up quickly. Besides, there’s only so much maple syrup the body can take.

¹“Restaurant” in the loosest sense of the word in this case.