Afishionados,

It’s been all over the news that Barbaro the horse has died today. My local news channel reported that a fund has been set up in the horse’s honor and has already raised over a million dollars. Apparently, proceeds will go to help other horses or animals with their animal problems.

Fans and past sexual partners of Barbaro also sent emails to the horse (before it died, of course) wishing it “good luck” and better health. Unfortunately (and obviously) in the end, these emails did little good for two reasons:

1.) Horses can’t read email.
2.) The damn thing died anyway.

Is this really newsworthy? Why did I have to hear about Barbaro for 10 minutes?

It’s just a goddam horse.

Afishionados,

When people in China look closely at their stuff does it just say “Made Here”?

Also, I’ve finished upgrading to WordPress 2.1 and seem to have no problems to report because of it. Report any issues you may encounter by sending email to nucleardisaster at gmail dot com or by posting here. Thanks.

Afishionados,

Today I had training on the Navy’s latest great idea: Making a cashless ship.

Instead of cash, the USS Abraham Lincoln will partake in the new Navy Cash Card program.

It works just like a credit card and has pretty much all the same features. Soon, it will be the only way to purchase items from the ship’s store and vending machines. I have my own apprehensions about the system, but we’ll see.

Anyhoo, the training was given by a young, skinny, personnelman who obviously didn’t prepare or rehearse his spiel whatsoever. Listening to him literally repeat himself drove me to the point of wanting to bitch slap him across the Puget Sound.

The biggest problem with the training was the fact that the new Navy Cash card consists of a “chip account” and a “strip account”. Essentially, the card has two sub-accounts independent of one another for purchases. The strip account can be used anyplace that takes Visa/Mastercard, whereas the chip account is what’s used in all the vending machines and the ship’s store.

I say this is a problem because “strip” and “chip” rhyme. Throw into the mix that I work on a “ship” and the personnelman repeated himself all too frequently and you get something kinda like this:

“Soon, we’re going to equip the ship with the new Navy Cash Card. The card is equipped with a chip account and a strip account. When we take our next trip on the ship, keep your card near your hip. To prevent losing it I recommend a clip. You can transfer funds from the chip to the strip for use off the ship. Or you can transfer funds from the strip to the chip, but only while onboard the ship.

If you get thirsty on the ship, just skip to the vending machines. If you insert your card into the machine and it doesn’t work, look for the chip. It’s likely you just inserted the card backwards and you need to give it a flip to slide in the chip. Once completed, grab your soda with a grip, hold it up to your lip, and take a sip.”

I swear the whole session sounded like it was given by Dr. Seuss.

Afishionados,

I had some friends over last night for a Wii party. (Playing Wii Sports Tennis and Golf is even more fun while intoxicated, by the way…) One of the snack items was some delicious cheese was this bread.

Good thing the clear, see-through bag is labeled or else I might have never figured out this trivial bit of information on my own. I didn’t even realize that baking bread was a government operation.

Afishionados,

Due to popular demand, I have decided to post a photo of myself playing my new Nintendo Wii in my underwear. As you can clearly see, the included Wii Sports game has only further enhanced my already masculine features. Enjoy.

Special thanks to Radioactive Jam for his comment on the previous post, which served as the inspiration for the title of this one.

Afishionados,

I got a Nintendo Wii as an early birthday present. And the Nintendo Wii is the most fun I think I’ve ever experienced with any console that I have ever played. Wow, is this sucker addicting.

For those of you who have been living under a rock since November, the Wii is arguably the hottest console on the market right now. The PlayStation 3 had a huge launch, but I’ve seen them in stock everywhere now. The Wii had a great launch as well, but good luck finding a Nintendo Wii on store shelves.

The graphics of the Wii can’t compare to the Xbox 360 or the PlayStation 3, but the way that you play the game more than makes up for it. Gone is the traditional controller with two thumbsticks. The replacement? A remote control (dubbed “Wiimote”) and a Nunchuck controller. An infrared sensor bar (strategically placed in front of you television) interacts with the wireless Wiimote and works much like a mouse, in that you move your controller and point and click to play the games. A sports game is included with the Wii, and great fun to play. Want to golf? Just swing your Wiimote like a club and hope your ball lands on the green. Baseball? Swing the Wiimote like a bat. Tennis? Well, you get the idea.

There’s just something about flailing your arms about together in front of the television that just makes you feel special. I can’t wait to try it in my underwear.

Nintendo Wii: Four and a Half Italian Plumbers out of Five.

Afishionados,

Thanks to Dubya’s grand plan, my brother’s tour in Iraq has been extended by 90 days.

I love you, Drew, and I wish you the best.. Come home safe, even if it’s later rather than sooner.

Afishionados,

Today I switched my driver’s license over to the state of Washington. I should get my new one within 5 days or so, but in the meantime I’ve been issued the sweetest temporary license ever! It’s made of the finest paper and even has my photo on it in case I forget what I look like.

I flipped it over and on the backside I discovered this peculiarity:

In Ohio, I had the option of being an organ donor, but Ohio never gave me a specific choice in what organ(s) I wanted to give away! So I need your help to decide. What organs should I donate? I already know someone special who gets Rasputin, but what about my remaining parts?

Afishionados,

While performing the ritual of “field daying¹” onboard USS Abraham Lincoln, I happened upon a brochure discussing how awesome² Naval Station Everett (NSE) is. I glanced through it and scanned, for your entertainment, the best parts and finest offerings that the base has to provide.

First, the MWR director (seen here after sharting his pants) was kind enough to welcome me at the front of the brochure with an expression of joy that would put even the most skilled Wal-Mart Greeter to shame. Based on his expression alone, I wonder if he served any prison time or really ingested all those fetuses in the first place.

The galley on base is really a small restaurant known as the “All American Restaurant”. The food and dining experiences are much, much better than those on the ship³. Whether you favor Mountain Dew or Wine with your regurgitated noodles matters not, as both are readily available at the All American. It’s always nice to sit down and experience a relatively quiet meal with - AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT IN THE WINDOW??!! THE ALIENS HAVE LANDED AND ARE AFTER US!!! RRRRUUUUUUNNNNN!!!!

Child care services are available to all sailors in the extremely likely event that they will be working long hours in a completely different city than that of CVN-72’s home port. The only stipulation? You must be British.

No base is complete without recreational events. What does NSE have to offer? I have no idea. But this photo sure got my attention and I am all for participating in this event. Shooting gigantic man-eating birds with slingshots? What the hell does this photo really represent? Who cares! Death to Birds!

¹Translation: cleaning for 15 minutes and tryin to look busy for the remaining 2:45.

²And by “awesome”, I mean Not.

³Sitting in a wet diaper and eating grass is probably more favorable than eating onboard the ship, so this isn’t saying a whole helluva lot.