Afishionados,

I saw on television tonight that NASCAR is coming to Sirius Satellite Radio. Yes, you read that correctly. You can now listen to the most boring redneck pastime from the seat of your very own Monte Carlo.

Old Fish and Lemonade is proud to present you with this exclusive, never-before-heard clip of all the action, courteous of Sirius Satellite Radio. Click here to listen (MP3 format).

Afishionados,

A great day is upon us and should be celebrated accordingly. Some of you may call this day “Thanksgiving” but I prefer to think of it as “Death and Consumption of Evil Birds Day”.

It’s not about being with your friends and family today. It’s about getting even and sending a message to those feathered bastards that poop all across the planet and are always out to kill me.

Remember: If we kill and eat enough of them, they’re gonna catch on. And they’re gonna be scared. And they’ll eventually leave me alone. So help me out by doing your part: Eat as much damn turkey as you can. We can still win this thing.

Happy Death and Consumption of Evil Birds Day to all of you. I’m thankful to have each and every one of you read my blog so I know that I have at least someone to rant to and that I’m not alone. Right? Hello? Guys…?

Afishionados,

I would like to steal incorporate the idea of a “Diversions” section from the Headless Hollow blog here on the Fish, but in the meantime enjoy this completely random post.

The PlayStation launches in the USA this week. People everywhere go nuts for it. SmashMyPS3.com raises money to do what their domain name states. A brand new PlayStation 3 is completely destroyed while a crowd of nerds wait outside of Best Buy (click here to launch video in a new window). Virgins everywhere cry themselves to sleep.

Afishionados,

While waiting to pick up a package at my apartment complex’s main office, I couldn’t help but notice something very peculiar. The building has a common room with a small kitchen, a television, and some couches for parties and such. It also has a refrigerator, complete with latch and padlock.

I’m not really sure why the refrigerator needs a latch and padlock to begin with (I’ve never seen anyone use the room for anything. Ever.), but it’s also apparent that someone from the government installed it.

So, if you’re ever over at my place and you need to get in the communal fridge but you’ve forgotten your key, just bring along your standard sized Phillips head screwdriver instead. And something tasty for me.

Afishionados,

On Sundays, I like to watch ABC’s Extreme Makeover: Home Edition television show. For those of you heartless bastards who don’t watch it, the show’s premise is simple: People send in videos to ABC explaining why they deserve to have ABC build them a brand new house, then ABC chooses one to build for. Usually the families have dilapidated homes due to deaths in the family or medical bills. Almost always, these families have children as well.

The show has a design team of 3 or 4 people. Each person of the team takes on a separate part of the house. There are always a couple people who sit down and ask the children what they would like to see in their “dream bedroom”, then they go on to incorporate these ideas and suggestions into the finished room.

So far, I have seen a bedroom built as a dollhouse, an indoor sandbox, a room designed like a boutique, a room with a fishing boat bed, a camouflage room with an indoor treehouse and slide, a room with a firetruck bed, a “spy room” with toy gadgets everywhere, and a room with a pit of plastic balls for kids to jump in. Every time I watch the show, I think of the exact same thing:

What the hell are these kids gonna do when they’re older, sneak their prom date into the house and up to their room, and proposition them for sex?

Dear hemp-wearing, granola-munching, tree-hugging, hippy-loving People of the Seattle, Washington Area,

While other states have made remarkable technological advances in the way of bridges and normal speed limits, you have refused change and instead prefer to do things your own way.

Your speed limits to which even the Amish say, “Fuck, I can’t go any faster than this?” If the speed limits were raised beyond the current 60 MPH, we might actually get somewhere in a decent amount of time. But for you, one can never have too long a view of so many motherfucking pine trees.

Your ferry system. Who needs floating or suspension bridges, anyway? Doubtless that people will enjoy arriving at the ferries, only to wait 45 minutes or more for the ferry to arrive, another 15 to unload, and yet another 15 to board. Please let me also take this time to thank you for charging me $11.00 one way for this service. Yippee.

My only regret is that I am unable to repay each and every one of you the way that I would like to, and in the way that each of you wholeheartedly deserve for supporting such tactics. Unfortunately, the Space Needle is too big and I’m short on time for the reasons mentioned above. Therefore, I am unable to plunge the Space Needle into the darkest crevices set deep within your asses at this time, but please know that I truly wish I could. It’s the least I can do to repay you.

Sincerely Yours,

JediMacFan
Departed Bremerton: 3:07 P.M.
Arrived Everett: 6:10 P.M.

Afishionados,

I went to two separate restaurants this weekend and noticed that the restrooms of each had a very peculiar trait in common: they were both covered in boogers.

What is it about a wall that calls to people to wipe and smear anything and everything that gets caught in the mucus inside their nose? The restaurant on Friday was covered with 15 or 20 bloody boogers, all various shapes and sizes.

As I thought about this peculiarity, only one thing came to mind: maybe your fuckin’ nose wouldn’t have bloody boogers if you didn’t pick the damn thing and wiped them all over the bathroom tile.

There must be something special about this enigma because it seems to happen everywhere, though most notoriously on bathroom walls in front of urinals or on the sides of stalls, just above the toilet paper dispenser.

I don’t recall ever smearing one of my own finds in any public (or private, for that matter) bathroom but obviously it’s a hobby and pasttime for others. I don’t believe in the “pick and stick” routine. Instead, I think if you pick it, you should eat it.